Breene, K F - Jessica Brodie Diaries 01 (24 page)

My head snapped up. His body was
bowed over his knees, his eyes downcast, staring at his shoes.

Before I could form words, he kept
going. “I saw you the whole time, of course. I was actually walking out to my
car when I saw you walking in. I pretended to forget something and hurried to
head you off. I wanted a closer look. When you did the triple back flip and
came up laughing and embarrassed, I thought I had never seen anyone so
beautiful in all my life. So carefree and alive.

“I didn’t want to just take you
home for the night, which had been my embarrassing and non-gentlemanly default
up until that point. I wanted to talk to you. Meet you. Take you out. That was
confusing for me because it hadn’t happened in five years. But I knew it
wouldn’t work. There is no way I can fit courting a woman into my life. There
is just too much going on.”

I noticed he had slipped into
present tense, and quickly dashed the glimmer of hope that had wormed its way
into my head.

“I wanted to keep you at an arm’s
distance,” he continued, pain returning to his face and filtering into his
voice, “since the timing of you in my life was all wrong. Then there was the
obvious problem of your not being in high society—well, not a problem for me, I
can assure you, but my mother would pitch a fit. I’m sure it sounds stupid, but
she always suspects women of going for my wallet.”

He looked out over the valley. I watched
emotions playing across his face as he thought about how to phrase what he
would say next. He wasn’t trying to hide anymore, he was opening up with his
words and his inner feelings. I was in rapt attention.

“After seeing you a few times I
knew I wasn’t doing well keeping away from you. When I didn’t see you
physically I thought about you. About your voice, your funny outbursts, the way
you walk, all of it. All of you.”

As he paused, I took a moment to
reflect. Was I seriously sitting here in my holy sweats hearing the Golden God
tell me he thought about me? It couldn’t be. It couldn’t be happening... Did I
drop some acid at the hospital without knowing it?

So maybe not reflecting as much as
freaking out. I silenced my inner monologue as he went on.

“At the rodeo--" His jaw
clenched. I could see he was reliving later in the night, when he wasn’t
watching me so close. Like Adam, he hadn’t forgiven himself for that. It didn’t
matter that it wasn’t his job—to him, he’d failed me. He slightly shook his head,
not wanting to dwell. Not at the moment, anyway. I had a feeling he did plenty
of that on his own time.

“That night in the trailer,” he
went on, “you tossed and turned and called out for me. I went to the bed to see
if you needed anything. You curled up into my arms. A perfect angel. Bitter
sweet. I knew you deserved better, but I wanted for all the world to be with
you.”

“William...” I desperately wanted
to hear more, but this was obviously painful for him. It was killing me to see
his turmoil, especially when all was forgiven. He liked me! I would deal with
not being able to have him because his life was too busy, but it wasn’t me. It
wasn’t my faults, this time.

“Let me finish, Jess. I owe you all
the truth, regardless of how you feel about me. I have to explain.” He was
still avoiding my gaze. “At Froggy’s I was barely keeping a leash on myself
that whole night. I wanted to be near you, to touch you... I was holding tight
to what little self-control I could muster. Everyone saw right through me, but for
once I didn’t give a shit.

“When I thought you left with
that…with your date, I tried to move on to other distractions. I tried to
control the anger and jealousy. But you didn’t leave. And every time I saw you
I wanted you. Even when you taunted me,” he laughed to himself. “Not often a
girl does that, but still, I was bursting to share the joke. Then came the
dance off...” He shook his head and finally looked at me. The raging desire in
his sparkling sun infused eyes was plain.

“I thought it would be a fun
amusement. Usually only chicks vying for attention did them, but why not? It
would be funny. A way to interact with you without eyes watching. But, seeing
you dance... My God you can move your body, Jessica. I lost control
immediately. All of it. I couldn’t stop myself, couldn’t help myself. Pardon my
frankness, but I wanted to rip off your clothes and have my way with you.” His
face went red and he half shrugged. “I know I shouldn’t say that, but it was
true. Lord in heaven... I meant what I said. I thought I shamed you with my
actions; my desire. You are dangerous to me, Jessica. I have no self-control
around you. I would bend over backwards to make you smile.”

His whole body heaved in a sigh.
But he continued. “I decided I was going to say something about my feelings the
next time I saw you. Ask you out. I had to. It couldn’t go on like this. But
then you disappeared. You stopped coming around. It was like the light went out
of my life. The fun out of my nights.

“I kept trying to get Ty to get
Candace to invite you out with us. I was trying to be sly about it. Adam asked
what I had said to you on the dance floor. That I probably brought this on
myself. That’s when I knew what I said must have hurt you. I humbly apologize
for that. It was not my intention.”

The sun was blazing its last as it
slipped beneath the horizon. The sky was a fury of color.

I went to move to him, beyond
speech now. Somewhere along the way I started crying. The hurt he caused me was
acute, but seeing that he had felt the same way killed me. All that pain had
been needless.

I forgave him for it, of course,
knowing now that he was trying to do what he thought was the right. Trying not
to hurt me, but killing us both in the process. I just wanted to be held. For
all this pain and uncertainty to go away.

I still didn’t know if he resigned
himself to accepting me into his life, or was just explaining the hurt so I
knew. Him pushing me away now might kill me, but it would be a better pain
knowing that he at least cared for me rather than thinking I wasn’t good
enough.

“Almost done, Jess,” he said,
looking out over the valley once more. “I had hoped to see you in the hospital.
I saw your car in the parking lot and was determined to talk to you. Talk to
you as I am doing now. You left so quickly, though, I thought the damage had
been done, and you were done with me. The news of you leaving...” He took a
ragged breath. I did, too; tears freely rolling down my face. “I had a bunch of
work to do, so I wasn’t going to go out, until I got a text from Adam saying
you were on your way to the bar. I even told Adam to go for you if you would
have him, to keep you in
Texas
.
To at least keep you close. He refused, though. Didn’t say why. I think he is
overly fond of you. You are one of his favorite people, so I am not sure why he
wouldn’t try for you.

“To end my rambling diary, I heard
how desolate you sounded when you talked about...being touched.” William turned
toward me, his whole body opening to me. “Jessica, I am so sorry if I caused
any of that. I am so sorry if I caused you pain.” He went to reach to me, to
wipe tears from my face, but he held himself in check. “I do want to be there
for you, if even as just a friend. I hate to see you cry. Do you remember at
the rodeo when you were back behind the trailer with the jazz music?”

I nodded mutely.

“I will always be that guy for you.
I will always hold you when things get to be too much. Even if you move on and
start a family, or I do God willing, I will always be there to hold your hand
if you need me. That is a promise from a Davies man, no matter what.”

I could see the honesty in his
face, in his body. He meant it. I could love another, but he would come if I
called. That touched me deeply. Deeper then I knew I went.

He hung his head. “That is me,
laying bare my soul for you. I am sorry for thinking lustful thoughts of you. I
don’t know your feelings for me, but I won’t trouble you anymore if you like
another. I won’t stand in your way if your goal is to leave. I just thought I
should finally be truthful.”

I was quiet for a moment, letting
the crickets around us fill the void. Letting the soft breeze dry my tears. He
liked me the whole time. The whole time. I simply couldn’t believe it.

I laid back on the brittle ground
and looked up at the darkening sky. Life was a bitch, wasn’t it? I didn’t know
what to say. I didn’t know how to start. I didn’t know how quickly I could get
him into my bed.

“William, William. What a twisted
web we weave.” He was looking down at me, his face lost to shadow.

“I guess it is my turn, huh?” I
asked into the following silence. “Isn’t that how this works? Vulnerability for
vulnerability?”

“No, Jess. I ask nothing in
return.” I barely heard him he said it so softly.

I took a deep breath. Here goes.

I told him why I had fallen into the
dog food. How I kept thinking he didn’t want me, and how much that hurt, but
how the hope lingered until last night when I finally gave up. He looked at me
like he wasn’t believing what he was hearing, until I got to that part. Then
resignation took its place. Still, he listened.

I told him all, just as he told me.
How I viewed him as my safety net, my strong place. What everyone always said
about him, me thinking the whole thing was impossible, but not being able to
put the feeling of him around me aside. I spared nothing for embarrassment
sake.

I finished with, “I was aware of
every single time you were near. I honed in on you and watched your movements.
Had you kissed me at the rodeo, had you torn off my clothes in the middle of
the dance floor, I would have given myself willingly. Eagerly. So yeah, I’ve
always wanted you. You can only be hurt deeply if you cared deeply in the first
place.”

“Did I blow it? Did I ruin any
chance I might have had?” Hh asked tentatively.

“Are you asking because you want to
have sex with me, or because you want something possibly a little more
permanent?”

“Frankly...both.”

My stomach did a back-flip. I
didn’t know if I truly believed it, but I was a fool if I didn’t give it a
shot.

Goosebumps spread over my body.
Numbness gone. I was suddenly nervous. I was trembling all over. It was like
the anticipation of my first kiss.

I sat up slowly.

He scooched toward me just as
slowly and grazed his hand across my forehead to clear my hair from my face. He
traced his index finger down my cheek and along my jaw. With it he lifted my
chin slightly and leaned in. His face was inches from mine. His eyes reached
into me. I licked my lips in anticipation. He smiled a ghost of a smile and
closed the rest of the gap.

His soft lips touched mine in an
exploring way. He backed his head up a bit and looked at me again, then leaned
in and kissed me a little harder. He opened my mouth and probed with his
tongue.

I responded with all the
frustration and want from the last couple months. I brought my hands up his
toned arms and leaned into the kiss aggressively, putting my arms around his
neck. He met my demand, and increased it.

One of his hands rested on the side
of my face, the other around my back, bringing our bodies closer. He kissed
down my neck, then up to my ear. I moaned in pleasure and felt the playing
muscles on his back. I went to the bottom of his shirt and put my hand inside,
on his bare skin.

He sighed softly into my ear and
gently pushed me away. “If I don’t stop now, I won’t stop at all,” he said.

“I’m okay with that. I’ve wanted
this for a long time.”

He looked at me intensely. He
traced my neck with his hand as he stared intently into my eyes. He looked
around us at the hard packed dirt. Then back at me. I thought for sure we were
going all the way right now, right here.

“I want you so bad, Jessica. But
not here.”

“Why? It’s perfect. Secluded…”

He laughed. “It’s not that
secluded. There is a road up here ‘n all.” He laughed again and brushed my lips
with his.

“We’ll be quick.”

“For one, I don’t want to be quick.
The opposite, actually.” He backed away and stood up, offering me a hand to get
up with him. “For two, it’s dirty and we don’t have a blanket. And three,” he
led me to the car where he opened the door for me. “I have to be out at the
ranch tonight. Bull riding practice. I want all night with you when we... you
know.”

I smirked. “When what? What do I
know?”

He leaned his rock hard body
against me and put his lips near my ear. “When we share my bed.” He took my ear
lobe into his mouth and sucked lightly. He started kissing my neck, then back
to my lips. I held onto him tightly and ran my hands across his pecks, then up
to his hair.

I pushed him back suddenly and
violently. Shock and confusion spread across his face. “What was with that
faked boob girl you took home?” I demanded.

Embarrassment replaced the shock
and he started laughing in loud guffaws. He put his arms around me—I resisted
halfheartedly.

“I had to have some release after
dancing with you. Do you think me a brute?”

“Yes. She was disgusting.”

“Beer goggles helped that. What was
with you and that idiot Matt?”

“I needed a hobby. And I didn’t
take my clothes off for him.”

“You didn’t?”

“Ew. No.”

He looked mad.

“Why?” I asked.

“I heard you did. I’ll end that
rumor right quick.”

William leaned in to kiss me again.
Things got steamy in a hurry. He put his leg between mine. I pulled his lower
back against me and leaned back against the car. We made out for a second
before he backed off again, panting.

I followed him, not wanting space
between us. He was shaking his head. “No. Stop,” he said in a husky voice.
“Please. Must stop.”