Bright Side (37 page)

She rubs my forearms with her soft, small hands. “Thanks, baby.”

I love it when she calls me that.

Gus has finally caught his breath. “Goddammit, Bright Side, I think the big boy pants worked.”

Her laughter reverberates through me.

The recording sounds every bit as phenomenal as it did live. I feel goose bumps rise on Katie’s arms.

Tom looks at Gus as the “I love yous” fade out. “What do you think? You happy with that?”

Gus looks to Katie for confirmation before he answers. She nods her head. He smiles. “Yeah, we’re good.”

Tom exhales. “Good, because there’s no way I was going to let you even attempt to redo it.” He points to the soundboard. “That was brilliant.”

Next, Robbie, Jamie, and Franco all crowd around a microphone in one of the
recording booths to record all the background harmonies. It takes several attempts but they wrap up an hour later. This piece of the song is minor but when it’s layered in with everything else, it’s like the cherry on top.

We all listen to the final rough version when we return from lunch. Franco and Katie take turns telling each other how
god awful they sound. It helps relieve the stress that’s torturing Gus. He insists on listening to it five or six times. Tom strikes down every suggestion Gus makes to change it. When Katie agrees it should be left as it is, Gus concedes.

A cab arrives to transport the band and Tom to the airport shortly after. That means that it’s time to say goodbye to Katie. They don’t know if they’ll see her again.

Tom hugs her and tells her how honored he is to have worked with her again.

Jamie cries openly as he hugs her. He can’t even speak as he turns away to climb in the cab.

Robbie hugs her delicately, like he’s afraid he’s going to break her. His eyes are glassy when he tells her, “Hang in there, Kate,” before ducking in the cab’s backseat next to Jamie.

Franco looks up at the sky and blinks rapidly. “I told myself I wasn’t going to do this.” The tears trickle down his cheeks. He grabs her by the shoulders and pulls her into a bear hug. “I’m going to miss you so much, Kate. I can’t say goodbye. This is so fucking wrong.”

She’s trying to force a smile, but her lip’s starting to tremble. “I’ll miss you, too.”

He kisses her forehead and squeezes her hand before he walks to the cab.

She stops him before he disappears into the cab, “Franco?”

He turns. “Yeah.”

“Sorry about all the shit I’ve always given you. I hope you know I never meant any of it. You’re one of most awesome dudes I’ve ever known.”

He smiles through the tears. “Right back at
ya, Kate.”

It’s heartbreaking to watch.

Gus is standing a few feet away, smoking a cigarette. He takes one last drag and flicks it into the street before turning toward Katie. She takes his huge hands in her small hands. It’s funny how well they fit together given the extreme size difference. “You should quit, you know,” she tells him.

He nods and it’s solemn. “I know. Believe me, I know.”

She swings their arms between them. Neither one of them wants to say goodbye, like if one of them speaks it all has to end. So they stand in silence and stare at each other. The tears from Gus’s eyes start slowly, but when they turn into a steady stream he abruptly pulls her off the ground into a hug.

His voice is considerably calm despite the tears. “This isn’t goodbye. I’ll see you a
fter Christmas.” Their tour ends a few days before the holidays.

She nods against his shoulder. “It’s not goodbye. I’ll see you in a few weeks.”

He squeezes her tighter and his voices breaks. “Promise?”

Her voice sounds thick and muffled. “I promise, Gus.”

He sets her down gently and holds her cheek against his chest and strokes her hair twice before releasing her. She’s holding on to the hem of his shirt like she doesn’t want him to go. He takes her face in his hands and bends down until he’s eye to eye with her. “I love you, Bright Side.” He pecks her lightly on the lips.

She whispers, “I love you, too.”

He strides toward the cab, swings the front passenger door of the cab open, and climbs inside. No goodbye.

Katie blows kisses and waves as the cab pulls away from the curb. Tears are silently streaming when she turns to face me. She’s finally let them
fall.

When she hugs me, it’s like she’s falling into me. I rub circles into her back. “You have such great friends, Katie.”

“I know. I’m so fucking lucky.” She means it.

I kiss the top of her head. “We’re the lucky ones.”

(Keller)

My mother hasn’t talked to me in a month. She’s still upset with me for changing my major … my whole life, I guess. I know it shouldn’t bother me because it’s what we do, what we’ve done my entire life. There’s a pattern: I try like hell, but it’s never good enough, and she’s disappointed, I feel like a failure … repeat … repeat … repeat.

I guess it’s bothering me because for the first time in my life,
I’m
proud of myself. I feel focused. I feel confident. I feel brave. And I feel all of these things because of Katie. Being around her these past few months has changed me. I’m a better man because of her.

Why can’t my mother see that?

Katie and I drove from Grant to Chicago earlier today. We had dinner with Stella and Melanie here at my parents’ house. My father’s working the ER tonight and mother refused to join us.

Dinner was melancholy given that it’s probably the last time we’ll see Melanie for a long time. She’s moving back to Seattle. We promised to stay in touch, but we both know how that goes. Promises are easy. She’s going to live with her parents and go to school to finish her degree. I’m happy for her. She’s a good person. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her. She’s been Stella’s angel for almost four years. I can’t thank her enough.

Stella cried when Melanie left. It tore me up. And for a split second it made me wonder if I was doing the right thing.

It’s after 11:00 now. Stella’s been asleep for a little over two hours and my mother’s in her office where she’s been holed up since we arrived this afternoon.

Katie went to sleep in the guest room about an hour ago. This past week has been hectic and she hasn’t slept as much as she needs to. I can tell that she’s struggling. She’s so strong, the strongest person I’ve ever known, and she tries to put on a brave face for everyone, but when she’s alone she allows the pain to take over. I’ve seen it, and it breaks my heart. The reality that I’m going to lose her becomes more real every day.

I don’t want to lose her.

I’d take her place if I could. She’s the only other person, besides Stella, that I can’t honestly say I would die for. I wouldn’t even hesitate. I would take a fucking bullet for either of my girls.

I throw the covers back off the bed, because I can’t just lie here any longer. I pace around my room chewing on my fingernails. There’s nothing left of them. I’m anxious as hell and my mind is racing. I can’t turn it off enough to get some sleep.

I throw a pair of pajama bottoms on over my boxers and walk across the hall to check on Stella. She’s fast asleep. She looks so peaceful that it makes my heart swell with love. Katie was right. I am so blessed.

My next stop is Katie’s room. She’s asleep on her left side. She’s been sleeping like this for the past week. She says she’s just more comfortable in this position, but I know the real reason. The pain is killing her. It’s so intense that she can’t lie on her back or stomach anymore.

I fucking hate cancer
.

She’s in a deep sleep, but I know
it won’t last. It never does. She’s the lightest sleeper I’ve ever seen. She must wake up a dozen times every night, and her discomfort only makes it worse.

When she stayed at my place, I used to love to watch her sleep. She’s so beautiful that sometimes I would lie next to her and just watch her. The rise and fall of her chest. The flutter behind her eyelids as her mind raced through dreams. The absolute tranquility was breathtaking. Sometimes I would daydream, wondering
: What would it be like to get to keep her forever? What would it be like to marry her? What would she look like carrying my child? What would our child look like?

Last week, I stopped watching her sleep. Her pain has begun to take hold of her in the night. Her body stiffens against it. Her face contorts, fighting it. Sometimes she cries out. The tranquility is gone. And that shatters me.

So I don’t watch.

Tonight I can’t bring myself to be anywhere else but in this room with her, because I feel like I don’t have much time left. I don’t want to disturb her, so I sit on the sofa across the room from the bed. The darkness shields her from my eyes, but I can still feel her. I lean my head back and close my eyes, taking it all in. I don’t know how long I sit there, an hour or more, before I decide I should go to bed and try and get some rest. When I reach the door though, I can’t. I know I won’t be able to breathe if I leave this room. So I walk over to the bed and slowly pull the covers back and slide in beside her. The king-size bed is gigantic compared to the twin we’re used to sharing. There are
feet
of space between us.

“You’re not going to sleep all the way over there, are you?” Her voice is sleepy and hoarse.

It makes me smile and the anxiety that’s been building in my chest the past few hours disappears. “How’d you know I was in here with you?”

She laughs. “You’re not as stealthy as you think you are, Keller Banks. You’d make a horrible burglar. Or ninja. Don’t change your major again.”

I inch my way to her side of the bed and press my entire body against the back of hers and wrap my arms around her. She’s warm. I could live in this moment forever. I kiss the back of her head twice. “Good night, Katie.”

“Good night.”

It’s quiet and I’m almost certain she’s drifted back off to sleep.

“Keller?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for coming in. I hate sleeping alone.” She intertwines her fingers with mine, and raises them to her mouth to kiss the back of my hand.

“I love you, babe.” I have to get the words out before I get any more choked up than I already am.

“I love you, too, baby … I love you, too, baby.” She says it twice so I don’t have to ask her to say it again.

I really do love her. So. Much.

(Keller)

We’re almost done loading Stella’s things into Katie’s car. (She volunteered her car for the trip because, although she does
love
my beanbags, she didn’t think they’d be comfortable for several hours of ass time. Her words, not mine.) We can’t take much with us because there’s not much room at my place back home, but Stella will have everything she needs.

Katie’s helping Stella feed Miss Higgins. They gather her cage and everything else that goes along with caring for a turtle. Jesus, it’s like moving a goddamn menagerie instead of a solitary, small turtle. Let’s just say Miss Higgins has got it good. She may be the
most high maintenance turtle in history.

I’m making a final walk through of the living room to make sure Stella hasn’t left anything behind that I know she’ll miss later.

“Keller.” My father’s voice startles me. He clears his throat. It’s the same formal throat clearing that precedes everything he says to me. “Can I have a word with you before you go?”

I know where this is going and I’m not in the mood for an argument today. He’s going to ask me to come with him to my mother’s office because that’s where she feels the most powerful. And because he’s just the errand boy, he’ll clam up when we step through the door, and she’ll proceed to tell me everything I’m doing wrong. I’ll try to defend myself. She’ll raise her voice and try to intimidate me into seeing things her way. I’ve been through this a million times.

Like I said, I’m not in the mood. “Dad, no offense, but I know
having a word with
you
and
Mother talking at me
are the same thing. So, no thanks. Not today.”

He clears his throat again. “This isn’t about your mother,
son. This is about Kate.”

Up to this point I’ve kept my back to him, but I turn to face him when I hear her name. I can’t
not
react to her name. “What about Katie?”

More throat-clearing.

“Just say whatever it is you have to say, Dad.”

He looks me hard in the eyes, but there’s a softness that he reserves only for Stella. He’s a sucker for Stella. “Kate’s very sick, isn’t she?”

I nod. I haven’t told my parents about Katie’s illness, but my father’s around sick people enough to know one when he sees one. And he’s observant.

He releases a breath. “I was afraid of that. What’s her diagnosis?”

I’m reduced to one-word answers, because I don’t want to break down in front of him. “Cancer.” I hate that fucking word.

“Is she being treated?” His question is clinical, but the softness in his eyes hasn’t changed.

Again one word is all I can spare. “Terminal.”

He nods. “I see. How much time?”

I know what he’s asking but I don’t want to answer. I hold up one finger instead.

“One year?” He guesses. He knows he’s being optimistic.

I shake my head.

He exhales and nods again. “One month.” It’s not a question.

We stare at each other for a few moments while it sinks in.

Just then Katie walks in carry
ing Miss Higgins in her cage. She’s all smiles, oblivious to the fact that we’re talking about her. “I think Miss Higgins is ready for a road trip, Keller. She just had a big breakfast, and Stella says she’s all out of reptilian car sickness medicine, so you’re going to have to take it easy on the drive home, dude. Miss Higgins’s delicate digestive system is in your hands. You up to the challenge?”

It was funny, but I can’t bring myself to laugh.

My father’s just looking at her. His eyes are still soft with sadness, but there’s another thing; a look of admiration, as a small smile lights his face. He turns to me and shakes my hand. “Take care of them, Keller.”

I nod and swallow hard because it’s not a loving sendoff, but this is perhaps the first time I feel like my father has addressed me as an equal, as a man. “I will.” 

He nods in return. “Call if you need anything.”

“We’ll be fine, Dad, thank you.”

We leave without saying goodbye to my mother.