Authors: Kim Holden
As the last few words leave Gus
’s lips, and he strums his last few chords, I’m left to play out the rest alone. As I draw my bow across the strings for the last note, I open my eyes. The expression on Gus’s face is proud and reverent. “That’s my girl.”
I smile.
Stella begins clapping wildly again. “Play again, Kate. Play again.”
She’s beaming at me when I look into her bright blue eyes. Keller’s matching blue eyes are shining a few inches above hers. “You never cease to amaze me, Katie.”
God, I love him.
I look to Shelly and Duncan. Shelly’s mouth is agape. “What the heck, Kate? Why didn’t you tell us you played? You’re phenomenal.” She’s floored.
I shrug. “I don’t play anymore. My sister loved to listen to me play … ” I trail off. The rest is unspoken. I told Duncan about my sister the night we talked after the concert. I’m sure he told Shelly.
She nods in understanding.
Gus claps his hands. “We can’t stop now. Stella wants an encore. What’s next, Bright Side?”
Even though the pain in my lower back is
building to a deep, intense throb, I have to admit I’m enjoying myself. Even if I never pick up my violin again, I want to play right now. I whisper in his ear.
“Sure. We haven’t played that in a long time. You sure you can keep up with me?” He taunts.
I wink. “I’ll try. Shelly will know this song.”
Gus turns to Shelly. “Bright Side and I went to a music school together growing up. She was two years behind me, but she always kicked my—” he looks to Stella before he continues, “butt—”
Shelly interrupts. “Wait. Don’t tell me you guys went to The Academy in San Diego?”
“Yeah,” Gus says.
“What’s The Academy?” Duncan asks.
“It’s only one
of the most prestigious private secondary music schools in the country. Virtually impossible to get into, and they only accept the most talented applicants.” She shakes her head and looks at me. She’s smiling. “How did I not know this about you?”
I shrug.
Gus continues. “So, senior year one of my final projects was to cover a song that was on the charts at the time, something popular, but we had to put our spin on it. Turn it upside down and make it our own, unrecognizable. I, of course, enlisted the help of my talented friend,” he points to me and I roll my eyes, “to help me out. The song was hard-driving rock, and Bright Side, because she’s a freaking musical genius, turns it into this slow, melodic ballad with this unworldly violin arrangement.”
“Don’t let him fool you,” I add. “Gus rewrote the whole song for acoustic guitar, I just
added
the violin. It was all his idea.”
“Let’s play it. They can judge for themselves.”
So we do. And it’s not until the chorus that I see recognition flare in Shelly’s eyes and a grin emerges. She knows the song.
Keller hums along softly in Stella’s ear as he rocks her. She’s wearing her sleepy Keller eyes. By the song’s end, she’s out cold.
Shelly’s still grinning. “That was astounding. I don’t know what else to say. Just. Astounding.”
Gus stands and takes an exaggerated bow. “Gracias.”
I tip my head. “Thank you, m’lady.”
Duncan pats Shelly’s leg. “We’d better get going or your mom will have a conniption. We’re already five minutes late.”
Shelly sighs. “Yeah, you’re right.” She frowns. “This is just so much more fun than familial obligations.”
Duncan kisses her on the cheek and gently
urges her off his lap. “You’re right about that. But your parents are expecting us. Let’s go.”
Shelly drags her feet and by the time they leave, the pain is almost unbearable. It’s been
ratcheting up over the past hour but in the last five minutes it’s reached a new level I’ve never felt before. It’s pain that brings nausea and blurred vision with it. While Keller’s putting Stella to bed I excuse myself from Gus and head to the bathroom to take my pain meds. I sit on the floor while I fumble with the cap on my pill bottle, because I don’t feel steady enough to stand. My field of vision is constricting and when I feel my head meet the tile floor with a blinding crack, everything goes black.
(Keller)
I’m starting to worry. Katie’s been in the bathroom for ten minutes and I haven’t heard any movement or noise.
Gus throws back the rest of a beer. “Where’s the john, dude? Bladder’s full.”
I point toward the door. “Katie’s in it.”
Gus knocks quietly on the door. “Bright Side, hurry up, I
gotta take a piss. You’ve been in there a long time. You dropping some friends off at the pool?”
I would laugh if I wasn’t worried, but there’s no response from the other side of the door. My heart is racing. I don’t want to worry Gus unnecessarily, but I can’t shake the feeling that something is very wrong. I knock. “Katie, babe, are you okay in there?”
Silence.
I slowly urge the door open, but it meets resistance. I cringe and push
on it, squeezing through the opening. “Oh shit.”
Gus is on the other side. “What’s wrong? Bright Side?”
Katie is crumpled on the floor against the bathroom door. Her pills are scattered everywhere. There’s vomit on the floor, and it’s spattered with blood. I pull her up into my lap so Gus can open the door. She’s passed out cold, but she’s still breathing. “Call 911.”
His head appears around the door and when he sees her there’s nothing short of terror in his eyes. “Holy fuck.” He’s got his cell phone out and dialing 911 before I can ask again.
I’m rocking her back and forth now, brushing the hair out of her face. It’s matted with a wet, reddish-brown liquid. I start whispering in her ear and I can’t stop, “You’re okay, Katie. You have to be okay. This isn’t it. Don’t leave me. Not today. You can’t leave today. I love you. I love you.”
Gus brings me out of my trance. “What’s your address, dude?” As I tell him, he repeats it into the phone. Returning the phone to his pocket he grabs a towel off the rack and wets it in the sink and begins to gently wipe Katie’s face and hairline. He looks me in the eyes, waiting. He’s looking for answers.
I tell him what I know. “Katie has cancer.”
All the air rushes out of his lungs and he falls back against the wall behind him. The tears come in a torrent. “No. No. No.” He’s trying to deny it away. “This can’t be happening again.”
“Again?” I ask at the same time there’s a knock at the door and Gus struggles to his feet to answer it.
Paramedics charge in and I grudgingly release Katie to their care. I don’t want to let her go because I’m afraid I’ll never get her back. I tell them everything I know and give them her medication bottle. They have her hooked up to an IV and loaded in the ambulance in minutes. Gus rides with her.
After I wake Stella and load her in the Green Machine, I drive faster than I’ve ever driven in my life. The hospital is in Minneapolis. Stella is fast asleep in the seat next to me. I’m not a religious person and I’ve never said a prayer in my life, but during the entire drive I find myself pleading aloud, “Please dear God,
please
give her more time … please don’t take her yet … I need her here with me … Gus needs her … Stella needs her … Shelly needs her … Clayton needs her … I love her so much … please, please,
please
.”
Stella is sleeping in my arms when we find Gus in the ER admittance room. He’s filling out paperwork. I slump down into the chair next to him. “How is she?”
His eyes are red and swollen. “She’s stable. They’re examining her now. Said they were going to call her doctor, the one that prescribed the medication.”
I sigh and hug Stella to me. Her head’s resting on my shoulder and she’s limp in my arms, heavy with sleep. I set Katie’s bag in the chair next to me and with one hand I search for her wallet. When I find it, I pull out her ID and insurance card and hand them to Gus.
After finishing the paperwork and taking it to the admittance desk, he returns. “There’s no news yet. I’m gonna run outside, I need a cigarette. Come and get me if something changes.”
I nod. He looks how I feel: hopeless, helpless, and tense.
Gus returns ten minutes later and after what feels like an eternity, the doctor greets us. “Family of Kate Sedgwick?”
Gus jumps to his feet. “Yes.”
“Kate is stable. We’ve moved her to PCU room 313. She’ll need to stay with us overnight for observation. The trauma to her head resulted in a mild concussion. We spoke to her oncologist, Dr. Connell, and as I’m sure you’re already aware Kate has recurrent and metastatic ovarian cancer—”
“
What?” As I start to question the doctor, Gus holds up his hand gesturing for me to keep quiet. I do. He obviously knows this part of Katie’s history. I don’t.
The
doctor continues. “—Which has spread to other organs, her lungs and liver. Kate is in the advanced stages, the equivalent of Stage IV, inoperable and unlikely to respond to treatment. Kate’s chosen to forgo any such treatment and has opted for pain and symptom management. She wants to be kept comfortable and that’s what we, and her oncologist Dr. Connell, are trying to do.”
Gus speaks first. “How much time does she have left?”
“Although we cannot predict a precise amount of time, Dr. Connell tells us two months, maybe three. The cancer is aggressive. The progression over the next several weeks will be dramatic.”
I watch Gus swallow the lump in his throat and he nods. “Can we see her now? Room 313?”
The doctor nods. “Yes. I’m sorry.”
I follow Gus because right now I can’t focus on elevators and directions. I have a firm hold on Stella; she’s the only thing tethering me to reality. I’d get sucked into the black hole of complete despair if I let go.
Katie looks so small in the big hospital bed. She’s still hooked up to the IV, which I assume is distributing some intense pain medication. Her eyes are open but they look hazy, groggy. A bruise is blossoming beneath the surface of her left cheek and there are stitches along her cheekbone where she must’ve hit the bathroom floor. She raises her hand a few inches above the bed in a wave. “Hey, it’s my three favorite people.” Her voice is hoarse.
Gus tries to smile. “How’re you doing, Bright Side?” He sits on the edge of her bed and takes her IV-free hand in his.
“Better now.” She smiles.
I sit in the chair on the other side of her bed, Stella still asleep in my arms.
She looks at Stella and frowns. “I’m sorry you had to get her out of bed, Keller.”
I rub Stella’s back. “Don’t worry about it. Stella’s a deep sleeper. A freight train could pass through this room and it wouldn’t wake her.”
Katie’s still frowning, but the corners of her mouth are turned up. “She’s so precious, Keller. You’re so blessed to have her.”
The look on her face is heartbreaking. She’ll never have children. She’ll never have what I have. It’s not fair.
“When did you find out?” Gus is whispering. He doesn’t want to upset her, but he has to ask.
“Right before I left to come to Grant.”
He looks crushed. “But you said your check-up went okay?”
She nods.
“Why didn’t you tell me the truth?” He’s trying not to cry.
She squeezes his hand. “Because I needed to come here and you needed to go on tour. If I would’ve told you, what would’ve happened?”
He doesn’t hesitate. “I would’ve cancelled or postponed the tour to stay with you.”
“
Exactly
. You would’ve put your dreams on hold, or thrown them away, to sit at home waiting for me to die. I want more for you than that. You’ve worked so hard, Gus. You deserve to be out there performing every night, making people happy with your music. Do you know how happy it makes me to know that you’re out there living your dreams?”
He nods. “I know, but you’re more important.”
She shakes her head. “No, I’m not. Our friendship means more to me than you’ll ever know. But life doesn’t come with a guarantee, Gus. We had twenty years together.
Twenty years
. That’s pretty amazing when you think about it.” She smiles and her eyes sparkle. “And that friendship won’t die with me, I know that. It will live inside you for the rest of your life. It’s like a little piece of me gets to go on with you. And I want to be one helluva ride. You have so many things to do, and people to meet, and someone out there to fall in love with, to have a family with. It’s going to be beautiful. I don’t want you to stop living your life just because I’m sick. But I promise to keep bugging you every day I can. Nothing needs to change. I still love you and you still love me, I know that whether you’re sitting here in this room with me or you’re a thousand miles away.”
The tears are streaming down Gus’s cheeks. “Why? Why you? Why now?”
She shakes her head. “I don’t know, dude. I guess it’s my time. Maybe Gracie misses me as much as I miss her and she put in a request with the big man upstairs.” She yawns and looks over at me. “Keller, you want to lay Stella in bed with me? There’s room, she might be more comfortable.”
Even though I don’t want to let her go, Katie scoots over and I place Stella at her side. Stella doesn’t wake but she snuggles into Katie’s side for warmth and comfort. Katie smiles. “Thanks. I think I needed that.” She kisses Stella’s forehead and yawns again and looks at me. “I don’t think I can keep my eyes open any longer. This is one hellacious cocktail they’ve got me hooked up to. Come here and give me a kiss.”