Broken (12 page)

“
Is there
anyone else in the house?” she asked.

“
No, just
me.” I said.

“
What’s your
name?”

“
Garth
Gilmore.” I replied.

“
I’ll get
someone to come here as soon as I get back to the hospital.” the
woman said as she turned and hurried away.

I shrugged my
shoulders. I didn’t need anyone to look after me. I could manage
quite easily on my own.

A few minutes
later I heard the ambulance’s engine burst into life, the siren
began wailing and the vehicle moved smoothly away.

About an hour after the
ambulance had left to take Aunty Rose to the hospital I was in my
bedroom preparing to go to bed when I heard a knock at the front
door. I went to the front door dressed in a T-shirt and rugby
shorts. A middle-aged woman smiled at me.

“
Hello.” she
said. “Are you Garth Gilmore?”

“
Yes.” I
said.

“
I’m Misses
Phillips from the Child Welfare Department.” the woman said. “I’ve
come to see that you’re okay. I understand that your aunt, Misses
Cooper, had a nasty accident.”

“
Yes.” I
said. “But I can manage on my own.”

“
Good.”
Misses Phillips said. “But, as you’re still under the age of
eighteen, it’s our duty to help you if necessary. However, I
haven’t come here to boss you or try to run your life. I just need
to make sure that have adequate food and that the water and
electricity account has been paid. It’s obvious to me that you’re
quite capable of looking after yourself. Do you have enough
food?”

“
Yes.” I
said.

“
And is the
water and electricity account paid up to date?”

“
Yes.” I
said.

“
And have you
had something to eat this evening?”

“
Yes.” I
said.

“
Okay.”
Misses Phillips said. “I’ll come past here each evening to see that
you’re alright. If there are any problems you can tell me about
them and we’ll fix them.”

“
Okay.” I
said.

After Misses Phillips had left I
went back to bed. I lay in the darkness smiling. With my aunt in
hospital I could now do whatever I wanted to.

Living on my
own in Aunty Rose
’s house wasn’t as much
fun as I’d expected it to be mainly because there was nobody for me
to defy. Also, I could watch pornography and masturbate whenever
and wherever I wanted to which took away the risk that had made it
so exciting. Misses Phillips made no demands on me and the black
domestic maid that the Welfare Department sent to dust and clean
the house ignored me completely. I continued to go to school each
day and in the afternoons I played snooker and pinball. Then I went
home and ate whatever I could find; cereal, tinned foods and
biscuits. As I continually forgot to buy milk I was forced to eat
the cereal dry and drink black coffee. During this time it never
entered my mind to go and visit my aunt in hospital.

Eight days
after my aunt
’s accident, I had just
finished eating a tin of baked beans in tomato sauce and was about
to climb into my bed when I heard a knock at the front door. As
Misses Phillips had already made her daily visit I opened the front
door with some trepidation. Two men stood on the
veranda.

“
Are you
Garth Gilmore?” the man in the front asked.

“
Yes.” I
said.

“
I’m Captain
Williams of the South African Police Services.” the man said
showing me his police identity card. “And this is Warrant Officer
Piet Cilliers.” the man said pointing to his companion.

I felt my
heart begin to race and I faint sweat broke out on my forehead.
Were the police here because of my pornography habit? I couldn’t
think of any other reason for their presence. I stared at the two
men, trying desperately to appear calm, even though my heart was
pounding in my chest. Since my aunt had gone to hospital I had
neglected to delete my web-surfing history.

“
May we come
in?” the Captain asked.

‘
Yes.” I
stammered, stepping aside to allow the two policemen into the
house.

Without asking, the two visitors
walked into the lounge.

“
May we sit
down?” Williams asked.

“
Yes.” I
said, trying to keep my voice from shaking.

The two policemen sat down on
the couch. Captain Williams pointed to a chair opposite them.

“
Sit down.”
he said with a slight smile.

I sat down in the chair.

“
Unfortunately Garth, I have some bad news for you.” the
Captain said. “Your Aunty Rose passed away late this afternoon as a
result of the first degree burns that she suffered over almost
ninety per cent of her upper body when she accidentally fell into
the bath of hot water.”

I stared at the police captain,
relief flooding through my body as I realised that the two men had
not come to the house to investigate my pornography habit.

“
It’s
standard procedure for the police to become involved when there is
an accidental death.” Captain Williams explained. “However, I want
to assure you that nobody suspects any kind of foul play. Your
aunt’s injuries are consistent with your statement and the
conclusions reached by the State pathologist. No further enquiries
will be made. Please accept our sincere condolences on the death of
your aunt.”

The two policemen stood up and
shook my hand.

The three of us walked to the
front door. I opened it and the two officers walked out onto the
veranda. I closed the door and I felt my whole body begin to shake
with relief. I had to remember to delete my computer’s roaming
history in future, I told myself.

My Aunty
Rose
’s funeral was well attended as she
had been popular in the neighbourhood as well as at the hospital
where she had worked. I hardly knew any of the people who attended
the service except for Cindy Bedford, the only person from school
who came to commiserate.

As Cindy
lived with her parents not far from my aunt
’s house, we occasionally walked to school together in the
mornings. We seldom had much to say to each other but I had a
strange feeling of association and companionship with her. I
couldn’t identify exactly what it was but it was almost as if we
shared something. Something in her aura connected with my aura. We
didn’t have the same interests or personalities but the bond was
unmistakable. At first I thought that the attraction was sexual as
Cindy had developed into a very attractive young woman with long
shapely legs, a narrow waist and smallish firm breasts. She wore
her fine auburn hair just over shoulder length, her large blue eyes
were large and direct and her wide, expressive mouth smiled
easily.

But the
attraction went much deeper than sex. It was obvious that we both
felt comfortable in each other
’s company
and there was never any need for verbal communication. Often we
would walk to school together without saying a single word and yet
when we went to our different classrooms I felt as if the walk had
been fulfilling. The silence between us never felt awkward or
embarrassing.

“
I appreciate
you coming here today, Cindy.” I said when she came to offer her
condolences.

“
I’m glad I
came to the service.” she replied. “I didn’t know your aunt but I
believe that she was very popular. Where are you going to live
now?”

“
I don’t know
yet.” I said. “At the moment I’m still classified as a juvenile and
it’s up to the Child Welfare Department to find somewhere for me to
stay. But as soon as I finish school and find a job, I’ll be able
to find my own place to stay.”

“
So we won’t
be walking to school together any more.” Cindy said.

“
Not if I
have to go and live somewhere else.” I said. “But we can make up
for that during our lunch break if you like.”

“I’d like that very much.” Cindy
said.

CHAPTER 5

I had been
listening very carefully to Garth
’s
testimony, especially the last part concerning his early feelings
towards me. What really surprised me was that I had experienced the
exact same feelings towards him, although at the time I hadn’t been
quite so aware of them. Although Garth had said that he didn’t
understand the feelings, I now felt positive that the feelings
related to us both having been abused. I began to believe that
people who were abused during their formative years subconsciously
recognise others who have suffered the same experiences and a
subtle bond builds up between them.

“
Thank you,
Garth.” Paul Greave, Garth’s attorney said with a smile. “I’ve no
doubt that the court appreciates your forthrightness and honesty.
You can step down from the witness stand.”

Paul Greave turned to Judge
Warren Bester.

“
Your
Honour.” he said. “I would like to recall Doctor Thomas to the
witness stand."

The judge nodded and the
psychiatrist stepped onto the witness stand and sat down. He looked
at Greave expectantly.

“
Doctor
Thomas,” Paul Greave said, “I think that it’s quite obvious that
the court is dealing with two very serious instances of child
abuse; psychological, physical and sexual. Two cases that, if they
became known to the public, would result in a huge outcry of
indignation. However, we are not here to expose child abuse but
rather to try and understand its consequences as far as the two
victims are concerned. We are not looking for excuses but rather
for reasons.”

The psychiatrist nodded.

“
What I would
like you to do, Doctor, is briefly summarise the long-term
consequences of child abuse.”

“
The most
profound effect is loss of personal control.” Doctor Thomas said.
“Abused children lose their right to say no and also their sense of
control in the world. They feel helpless and powerless to prevent
what is and has happened to them. All three types of abuse create a
sense that he or she is of little value and what this does is limit
their ability to trust. They have been in the power of another
person and have been let down.

"
All human beings are born
expecting love which is just as important as warmth and food. If
they then experience abuse they are made to feel unwanted and of no
value. Some become perfectionists who strive to achieve to excess
while others abandon all hope of achievement, believing that they
are useless. They begin to fear others, especially the prospect of
arousing anger in them. For this reason they seldom stand up for
their own rights. Loneliness often results.

"
Although anger is a natural
response to abuse, victims tend to turn this anger inwards, blaming
themselves for their inability to stop whatever is happening to
them. They often view themselves as weak and unable to exert any
positive influence on their lives.

"
Abused children also try to
limit intimacy and physical contact with others. They suppress
their feelings and easily become indifferent to other people’s
feelings and the consequences of their behaviour.

"
And finally, self abuse can also
be a long-term consequence of child abuse and it can be
psychological and physical. Committing crimes in the hope of being
caught and punished is one extreme example of this type of
abuse.

"
There are a great number of
other long-term consequences of child abuse but the ones that I’ve
mentioned are the most important.”

“
Thank you,
Doctor.” Paul Greave said. “You may step down.”

Paul Greave addressed Judge
Bester.

“
Your
Honour.” he said. “My learned colleague, Mister James Foster, would
now like to continue.”

The judge nodded.

James Foster rose and addressed
the judge.

“
Your Honour.
As I said earlier, the tales of our two clients are heavily
interwoven. I would therefore like to recall Miss Cindy Bedford to
the witness stand.”

“
You may.”
the judge said.

I walked to the witness stand
and sat down.

“Cindy.” James Foster said,
smiling at me. “Please tell the court of your three years at High
School and the beginning of your working career.”

***

Although I
tried to erase the memory of the incident with Mister Harris in his
office at the department store, the fact that it
hadn
’t nauseated me but had actually
quite excited me in a strange way that I didn’t understand, made it
very difficult to do. What also worried me was that each time I
thought about the incident I felt a strange excitement in my lower
body and, at the same time, I began to excrete a thin clear fluid
between my legs that left the crotch of my panties quite wet. I
also found myself staring at the boys at school, and especially
Garth Gilmore, and trying to imagine what their penises looked
like. Whenever I caught myself doing this, the same feeling of
excitement that I had felt in Mister Harris’ office swelled up in
me and I had to force myself to change my thoughts and hope that
nobody noticed that I was blushing quite furiously.

“
How long
will you be allowed to continue staying in your aunt’s house?” I
asked Garth one morning as we walked to school.