Broken (13 page)

“
The Child
Welfare lady, Misses Phillips, has been appointed by the Court as
my legal guardian and seems satisfied that I’m able to look after
myself at this stage.” Garth said. “”The domestic worker still
comes in once a week to dust and clean the house and wash and iron
my clothes so she’s recommended to the Board of Directors that I be
allowed to stay there until my aunt’s estate has been wound up. The
attorneys handling the winding up have agreed to pay for the
domestic worker as they are confident that the estate is solvent
and there’s enough money to do this. They’ll also be paying the
water and electricity accounts and the rates and taxes.”

“
Are you
likely to inherit the house?” I asked.

“
Yes.” Garth
replied. “And apparently there’s also quite a bit of cash as my
aunt had an investment that she had been contributing for some
time.”

We walked on in silence for a
while.

“
What are you
going to do after you leave school at the end of the year?” Garth
asked.

“
I’ve applied
for a job as an assistant bookkeeper at Checkers.” I said. “I
haven’t got the job yet but I’ve already been for an interview and
the manager, Mister Botha, seemed quite satisfied with my school
bookkeeping results. He’s going to let me know if I’ve got the job
in three weeks time.”

Garth
nodded but didn’t say anything.

“
What are you
going to do?” I asked.

“
It depends
on what I inherit from my aunt.” Garth said. “If there’s enough
cash I would like to start my own business. If not, I’ll have to
find a job, especially if I inherit the house. There’ll be rates
and taxes, water and electricity bills, insurance, food and the
domestic to pay. I don’t really care what I do as long as it brings
in enough money.”

“
Wow! Your
own house at sixteen!” I said.

Garth didn’t even smile.

I was so
excited when
Mister Botha, the manager of
the Checkers store in Rosettenville, eventually ‘phoned me to tell
me that my job application had been successful and that I could
begin work in January of the following year. There was only one
condition though: I had to pass my Grade 10 exams. I felt quite
comfortable that I would graduate but nevertheless I decided to put
an extra effort into my preparations for the exams, as, not only
would passing my exams ensure me of a good and permanent job, it
would also be a major step to getting out of my parent’s house. My
salary wouldn’t be enough for me to do this immediately but the
Checkers manager had promised me that if I worked diligently, a
substantial increase in my salary would be forthcoming.

Although my
father no longer made any attempt to molest me sexually he
continued to shout at me at every opportunity. He also refrained
from assaulting me so often, although there were times when he lost
his temper completely and punched me. Mostly though, he would raise
his fist and then, with a great deal of self-control, lower it and
walk away. My mother remained indifferent to the verbal abuse that
was thrown at me by my father though. I began to realise that she
was petrified of my father and in my eyes she began to get smaller
and smaller. I had no sympathy for her and her predicament, just as
I imagined she felt no sympathy for mine.

I looked into
the possibility of renting a small apartment but, although there
were a few very tiny ones available that I could afford, the cost
of furnishing it, paying for electricity and water and feeding
myself made the move impossible. I resolved to be patient. The
first thing that I would do when I received my first increase would
be to move out of my parent’s house. What I did do though, was to
beginning collecting small items such as cutlery, crockery and
household utensils. I was very careful though, to hide these
articles in a cardboard box under my bed as I didn’t want my
parents to know of my intension to leave. I did tell them about my
upcoming job though.

“
Good.” my
father said. “Now you’ll be able to start paying to live in my
house. You’ve lived off my generosity for long enough.”

“
How much
will I have to pay?” I asked.

“I don’t know yet.” my father
replied. “Your mother and I will have to sit down and work out what
you’re costing me. And, get this through your thick skull. Even
though you’ll be paying to stay here, nothing will change. I’m
still the head of this household and if you misbehave or get
uppity, I’ll beat you to a pulp!”

I tried not to let the
importance of my exams fluster me. I swotted diligently, trying to
cover everything in all my subjects and not focus on things that I
hoped the examiner would ask about. I tried to imagine what
questions the examiner would ask that would indicate that the
students had indeed learnt their subjects. I also avoided talking
to the other pupils in my class about the exams as they tended to
make the exams far more important than they really were and this
usually created pressure for me. I focussed on the parts of my
subjects that I believed were important and glossed over what I
considered to be unimportant.

To my great
relief my tactics worked and most of the questions that the
examiner asked fell within the areas that I
’d focussed on. When the results were published a week
later I had passed all my subjects comfortably. The accounting job
with Checkers was mine!

I was glad to
see that Garth Gilmore had also passed all his subjects. I knew
that he had never had any difficulty with his studies and that he
usually passed all his tests with the minimum of effort. Unlike all
the other students who had graduated Garth showed no enthusiasm for
his success. When I congratulated him on passing he simply shrugged
his shoulders without even smiling.

“
So when do
you start work?” he asked.

“
On the
second of January.” I said. “What are you going to do?”

“
My aunt’s
estate has finally been wound up and I’ve not only inherited the
house, I’ve also inherited a nice sum of money.” Garth said. “So
I’m going to start my own business. I don’t yet know what kind of
business but I’m in no hurry. With the money I’ve now got I can
afford to take some time off.”

When I left
the school to walk home that afternoon Garth was standing at the
school gate.

“
Now that all
this school nonsense is over I was wondering if you and I could get
to know each other better.” he said. “I’ve always appreciated that
you took the trouble to come to my parent’s funeral as well as my
aunt’s funeral. None of my other so-called friends did. Do you
think that you and I can be friends?”

I looked at this big gangling
boy in surprise. He had always been so shy and withdrawn in the
presence of girls and I could see the effort that approaching me
was costing him. I wondered if the fact that he was now a property
owner with money had boosted his confidence.

“That would be nice, Garth.” I
said. “Starting a whole new way of life is going to be exciting and
also quite daunting. It would be nice to have a friend to
experience it with."

“
I hate
living at home.” I said to Garth as we sat on the park bench
overlooking the Wemmer Pan. We had been seeing each other
occasionally for two months but Garth was still very remote and
withdrawn, despite the fact that he had suggested that we become
friends. I had just begun to smoke cigarettes and was beginning to
regret it. Garth had been smoking for well over a year now and it
was obvious that he enjoyed it. I had tried several times to stop
the habit but found it more difficult than I had imagined it would,
even though I smoked less than fifteen cigarettes a day.

“
The problem
is that I can’t afford to leave home.” I said. “My salary’s great
but it won’t cover the rent and all the other expenses that living
on my own entails.”

I had been
working at Checkers for just over two months and was really
enjoying the work. I had my own little office and my immediate
boss, Misses Hawkins, was patient and eager to help me learn the
various accounting systems. The main systems were wages, purchases,
cash sales and stock levels and obviously they were all on
computer. Our school had not had computers and so I had spent a lot
of time in the library using their computers so as to become
computer-literate. I worked from eight in the morning to four
thirty in the afternoon with an hour for lunch. My main function
was to collect data and enter it into the various systems. Apart
from my salary I also received special staff discounts on any goods
that the supermarket chain sold. I was very proud of my job and
also proud that I was beginning to get my life together after the
trauma that I had experienced in my earlier life.

“
I could help
you.” Garth said as he stubbed out his cigarette on the edge of the
wooden bench. “I can easily afford to pay the rent for a flat for
you.”

“
No, thanks,
Garth.” I said. “I have to pay my own way through life and I would
feel indebted to you and I’m determined never to be indebted to
anyone if I can possibly help it. It's been bad enough feeling
indebted to my parents for so long. It’s amazing how much better I
feel now that I’m paying them to stay in the house.”

“
You’re
paying your parents to stay in your own home?” Garth said, looking
at me incredulously. “That’s shocking! You’re their only child and
they make you pay to stay with them! I think that’s a
disgrace!”

I could see
just how angry Garth
was becoming. I
tried to pacify him.

“
It’s not
that unreasonable and I’m quite happy with it.” I said. “My father
doesn’t earn much at the mine where he works and besides, I don’t
want to be indebted to them and I can’t leave home yet. It’s not a
train smash.”

Garth took a deep breath as he
tried to calm himself. He lit another cigarette.

“
I still
think it’s wrong.” Garth said. “So why don’t you come and live with
me then? The house is much too big for one person.”

I looked at Garth in
astonishment.

“
Garth.” I
said. “That’s crazy! We hardly know each other. We can’t simply
start living together! Our relationship hasn’t progressed to living
together! Also, as I said earlier, I’m determined to pay my own way
through life. I’m not going to be indebted to anyone, especially so
early in my adult life. And two sixteen-year-olds living together
is just ridiculous! What do you think I am?”

"
But this is two thousand and
six!” Garth exclaimed. “Not nineteen fifty six!”

“
Forget it,
Garth. I’m not coming to live with you.” I said.

We sat on the park bench in
silence. I was astonished at Garth’s proposal. It was so
unemotional and clinical, as if two people who hardly knew each
other and had never even held hands, could simply begin living
together was quite normal. I began to wonder what Garth’s emotional
level was. In the short time that I’d known him I couldn’t remember
him showing any emotion besides anger. Sure, he smiled and even
laughed occasionally but it always seemed as if he was only
laughing with his face and not with his soul. His eyes never seemed
to show any emotion.

Although my
life was progressing along the route that I had
planned
, I was still plagued by my anger.
The anger was directed mainly at myself although at the time I
didn’t realise that, nor that it stemmed from my helplessness and
ignorance during the time that my father was abusing me. I
constantly berated myself for not having stood up to him and
refusing to be subjected to his lust. But deep down within me I
knew that he was too strong and too clever for me to appose.
Obviously there was the fear of making him angry which was likely
to end up in my being brutally assaulted. I had no doubt that by
refusing to take part in the abuse I would have suffer severely.
The fear that I had been forced to live with had been very
debilitating, affecting my schoolwork, my relationship with other
people and my self-image. I couldn’t stop accusing myself of being
cowardly and weak.

One of my
most destructive habits to come out of my abuse was my fear of
making other people angry. I seemed to freeze up when confronted by
an angry person, quite incapable of defending myself in any way. I
realised that this fear originated from my fear of my father’s
anger but, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t accept that when
other people became angry I was seldom to blame and that their
anger was nothing for me to fear. Anger was a weakness and, apart
from my father, people were unlikely to attack me or even direct
their anger at me.

My anger also
caused me to belittle myself and I would punish myself for things
that I did and didn’t do. Although I seldom physically hurt myself
I did make myself suffer in other ways for the things that I’d
done. This vindictiveness also surfaced when I felt that I had been
wronged by others and even the smallest slight would cause me to
look for some way to retaliate.

I had often
wondered at the time whether my father’s sexual abuse of me would
harm my attitude towards sex at a later date. The experience had
been frightening and unemotional and, because of my lack of
knowledge of the subject and what was happening to me, I couldn’t
imagine that sex could possibly be pleasurable. But as I became
more aware of the opposite sex and learnt a little more about the
sexual act I found myself getting excited and eager to learn about
this mysterious act. And even though I’d vehemently rejected
Garth’s proposal that I move into his house with him, the thought
of living with a man stimulated and excited my imagination. I knew
that, had I been two years older I would very likely have taken up
Garth’s proposition.