BROKEN BLADE (16 page)

I covered my face with my hands as another laugh ripped out of me. It turned into a sob.

“Don’t go getting all carried away. We wouldn’t know normal if it bit us. But it might be nice to have something…well, nice.”

“Yeah.” Sleep was actually closer than I thought, I realized, but I forced my eyes opened, stared outside. “Nice… what’s nice and normal.”

“Christmas…you ever do Christmas, Kit?” His hand stroked my nape.

I snorted. “Hell, no. The aunts and Grandmother celebrated the solstice and I’d helped in the house, but I don’t think that’s the same as doing Christmas.” I rolled my head to peer up at him through my lashes. “What about you?”

“Yeah.” He stroked a finger along my cheek. “Me and the kid always did it, just me and him. Will be different this year, but…” His hand slid into my hair and tangled. “You’re going to do Christmas this year. With me.”

I lifted up a little to look at him. “I am, huh?”

“Yeah.” He lifted up onto one elbow and pressed his mouth to mine. “Nice, normal…it doesn’t get much more nice and normal than that.”

“Christmas, huh?” I lay my head back on his chest, smiling a little. “We going to get a tree?”

“Damn straight a tree. I’ll buy you presents. You can buy something, too. I think something red and slinky, like all those lingerie things you look at and never buy.”

The memories cut off abruptly as somebody knocked. “Kit. It’s me.”

Colleen…

I glanced over at the Christmas tree and then turned toward the door. I’d think about the tree, Damon, all of that in a few minutes. That son of a bitch.

I’d
told
him I needed time.

* * * *

“He put it up the week after we brought you back.”

I stared at her over a cup of tea. I didn’t want to talk about the tree. Or Damon. Or anything.

But…

I shot the tree a dark look. “Christmas was more than a month ago…I’ve been back longer than that. There’s no way that tree has been sitting there that long.” It was a real tree, too.

“It’s a living tree. It will need to be transplanted soon, but…” Colleen shrugged. “He’s here every week to water it. That’s what he says, anyway. I could water the damn thing. But when I show up here on Fridays to charge your wards, he’s sitting outside waiting.”

She ran a finger around the outside of the mug of tea. “Should I have maybe sent him away?”

I shoved back from the table and rose. Edgy, restless energy filled me and there was just no way to purge it. I turned and stared at the tree. That delightful and deadly tree, decorated with ornaments and weapons.

I doubted many women would feel their heart flip over in their chests, but I certainly had. Even now, staring at it for probably the tenth time, I still felt a weird little catch. “I don’t know how to answer that, Colleen.”

Then I looked over at her. “What does it matter to you, anyway? You don’t much like him. You never really did.”

She’d never said as much. But I knew my friend.

Colleen made a face at me. “Like him?” She shrugged. “It’s not a question of whether or not I
like
him. He’s not exactly the guy I would have pictured you with. That would have been Justin.”

“I don’t love Justin,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest and looking back at the tree.

“Why do you love
him
?”

The words slashed at me.
Why
…not
do you
, but
why
.

She didn’t even have to ask. But then again, Colleen wouldn’t need to. With her empathy, she’d probably known before I had. “I’m not sure if I can explain that or not,” I said, my voice wooden. “And I don’t even know if it matters. Not now. If I can’t put myself together, it won’t matter. I can’t be with him when I’m like…this.”

“You’ll get there, Kit,” Colleen said, her voice gentle. “You’re not giving yourself enough time. And you still haven’t answered me.”

Turning, I faced her. “What does it matter?”

“I’m just trying to understand.” She shrugged and plucked at a loose thread on her shirt.

“I don’t want to talk about this.” How could I talk about it when I didn’t understand it myself?

I grabbed the mug of tea off the table and headed down the hall. But as I passed by the living room, I caught sight of something I hadn’t seen before. The tree had been partially hidden behind the couch and now I saw all of it…including all the gaily wrapped boxes on the floor.

Presents. More than I could count. And that ache lingering deep in my chest rose higher, threatening to rip out of me.

“He bought me presents,” I said and my voice sounded ragged even to my own ears. Passing a hand down my face, I turned and looked at her. “I’m twenty-five years old and nobody’s ever bought me a damn Christmas present.”

Colleen shifted her attention past my shoulder, staring at the tree. “Actually…you’re twenty-six.”

I started, and then laughed sourly. Yeah. I was twenty-six. My birthday had come and gone and I hadn’t even noticed. “Twenty-six, and not a single Christmas present.” I didn’t exactly celebrate it, but then again, I’d never had too many people give me gifts, period. Colleen had sometimes given me things on my birthday, and Justin had done the same when we were together, but beyond that?

Colleen didn’t celebrate Christmas. My relationship with Justin had been one of the crazy, sporadic things and we’d always been on our
off
stages when the holidays rolled around. My family…nothing from them.

Gazing at all the gifts under the tree, I rubbed my hand over my chest and wished I could make the ache there go away. “Why did he have to do this?”

“Because he loves you,” Colleen said, her voice matter of fact.

I looked over at her, barely seeing her through the tears. I tried to fight them, but it was getting harder and harder to hold them back.

Colleen reached up and touched my cheek. “And you know, I’d really
like
to tell you a different answer, Kit,” she murmured, shaking her head. “I wish I could tell you there was nothing but guilt motivating him. That he just felt responsible and thought maybe this was a way to make it all better. Maybe that would piss you off and you could kick him to the curb. I’d love to say he’s doing it for any other reason than the truth, but that son-of-a-bitch does love you…and you love him.”

I turned away from her and pressed the heels of my hands against my eyes, waiting until that burning sting passed. I sucked in one breath after another and waited until I thought I could speak without my voice giving me away.

“Kit—”

“Stop,” I said. I swallowed and shook my head. “Just…just give me a minute, okay?”

She wasn’t helping. I wanted things to be easier. Not harder.

I couldn’t even count all the presents under the tree. Technically, all those weapons glinting off the pine boughs were gifts, too. Sidestepping around the wrapped packages, I made my way over to the tree and touched one of the stars hanging from a seemingly delicate thread of silver. I watched as it spun in the light and then pulled it down. The balance of it, the weight of it in my hand was perfect. I touched the tip of it with my finger lightly and then looked over at Colleen.

“I don’t understand it either, you know. It’s just…when I look at him, something inside me feels whole. And before….well, you know…I even felt peace. It wasn’t really that I felt
safe
with him—I
do
feel safe, and I like that. It should be
okay
to enjoy that. Although…hell. I don’t
need
to be safe. He made me happy, just being next to him, and he made me
whole
. It was like I had something empty inside me and didn’t even realize it until I met him…he filled that part of me.”

Happy…whole.

And now look at me.

I laughed bitterly. I wasn’t ever going to feel
whole
again, though. And happiness felt just as out of reach.

“You’ll be happy again, Kit.”

Closing my eyes, I pressed the heels of my hands against my eye sockets. “Coll, please stay out of my head, my emotions. I’ve had…
me
…invaded enough.”

“I…I’m sorry. Damn it, I’m sorry. But it’s just right there and it’s hard for me not to see it.”

Hearing the soft brush of her shoes against the floor, I turned and looked at her.

“I
can’t
and I
won’t
tell you that you’re going to
get over this
,” she said, watching me with sad eyes. “I know better. But I also know
you
. You’ll pick yourself up…you’re already doing it.”

Was I?

Her fingers brushed my arm.

I reached up and caught her hand in mine. Then I looked back at the tree. “What kind a crazy bastard decorates a tree with weapons?”

“I have to admit, I wondered the same thing when I was watching him. But when he was done, I couldn’t think of anything that would have suited
you
more.”

Tentatively, she slid an arm around me and I sighed, rested my head against her shoulder. She was taller than me, curvier and I felt like a little girl standing in the embrace of her bigger, wiser sister. Maybe it wasn’t a bad thing. We both eyed the presents strewn across the floor.

“You going to open them?”

“No.” I wasn’t ready to do that.

No yet.

I didn’t know if I ever
would
be. Not any time soon, at least.

I’ll wait
…

* * * *

One gift hadn’t been wrapped.

I didn’t see it until after Colleen had left.

She’d offered to stay. And I’d been so tempted to let her. Instead, I’d just asked her to charge the wards, maybe give them an extra kick, then, before I could give in to temptation, I’d told her goodnight and locked the door behind her.

Unable to stay in the living room, staring at the tree, I fled down the hall to my room and that was where I found the other gift.

A blade.

His metal gleamed in the soft light falling in from over my shoulder, dancing along the length of steel, along the grip. I recognized the design right away, but what I couldn’t figure out…how had this blade gone from something I’d only half-worked on for a few minutes one day to this?

I’d been sketching it while I talked to him one day. Doyle had been there. Then Doyle had taken off with the sketch. I hadn’t realized it until later.

Well. I guess that explained the
why
.

Swallowing around the knot that had decided to take up permanent residence in my throat, I moved into my room and sank to my knees in front of my bed. My fingers shook as I reached out to touch it. Silence roared in my head as my fingers brushed the grip. I’d stopped expecting to hear any music, so it didn’t tear into my heart, although I’d be lying if I tried to pretend I wasn’t disappointed.

But still…the blade. Man. He was beautiful.

His length had the odd gleam unique to silver. It wasn’t pure silver—I already knew that. Silver wasn’t a good metal for swords or knives, not on its own. It’s too soft. But a talented swordsmith can forge a blade with enough silver in it to make it suitable…deadly.

Damon had apparently found a very, very talented swordsmith.

I closed my hand around the grip and lifted it and despite everything, I couldn’t stop from swinging him once, just once. A smile spread across my face at the sound he made, slicing through the air. Maybe I couldn’t hear the music anymore, but this blade made his own song.

The weight of him was different in my hand, the balance something I’d have to get used to. But maybe if I was going to adjust to life without the music of my blades, it would be easier at first if I did it this way.

A new blade. Something that didn’t carry all the memories of the past.

I glanced around and it wasn’t a surprise to see the scabbard lying near the foot of my bed. He’d wanted me to see the blade first, but he’d made sure he had the right tools for me to carry it, too.

“Damn you, Damon,” I whispered, stroking my finger up the blade. I caught the end and bent it, watching it bow just a little and then go back to its sleek, straight length the second I let go. Perfectly balanced. Perfectly forged.

I sheathed him and left the blade lying on the bed. A few months ago, that’s the very spot where Damon would have been.

Instead of the man, I had a piece of forged steel and silver.

The irony wasn’t lost on me.

Chapter Twelve

I wasn’t surprised to see Justin loitering outside my office when I pulled in.

I was actually
more
surprised by my presence than his.

As the car door opened, I met his gaze across the busted pavement and tried to pretend life was normal. Things were normal. Everything was fine.

Justin did the same and flashed me a wide, wicked smile. It didn’t have the same effect it used to, but I was able to smile back. I pulled the blade from the back seat and slid it into place, acutely aware of the fact that he was watching.

“That’s a new piece,” he said, his voice neutral as he crossed over to stand near the front of the car. He leaned one hip against the banged-up hood and studied the sword for a moment before looking up at me.

“Yeah.” I shrugged restlessly and stroked a finger down the pommel. “It’s new. My other one is still back in Wolf Haven and this…” I finished on another shrug. I wasn’t ready to pick up my old sword until I could hold her without feeling like I was dying inside. I didn’t have to explain that to him, either. He’d know. “I could use some practice with it, though. I’m not as up to speed on fighting with a blade like this as I ought to be. If I can get you a similar one, wanna go a round or two?”

His brow lifted up. “If that’s your way of getting some blood out of me, I guess it’s the least I can do.”

“Ha-ha.” I hauled my bag out of the back. “I called TJ. She’s sending somebody with my gear so I’ll have some sort of practice blade for you later on. You can come back by when you feel like it or I can call.”