Broken Series (17 page)

Five

Rainey

I spent that morning unsure of what was going on with Baker. He seemed interested in a morning quickie, but then he turned away without a second glance my way. I was pissed, but I figured he had a lot on his mind with the bar.

I’d been shocked when I walked into the bathroom and caught a glimpse of my back in the mirror. I was covered in bruises. As much as I didn’t want to, I called my oncologist and explained that I was bruising easily again, a sure sign that the leukemia was back with a vengeance. He told me to come into his office that afternoon.

I showered and then grabbed a cup of coffee from Baker’s kitchen. I had to pop it in the microwave for a minute before it was drinkable, but I sucked it down, still only lukewarm, and sat on the couch to lose myself in some television before my appointment.

That afternoon, I made my way to the mini-van.

My mother hadn’t even noticed that I took her mini-van, but I couldn’t decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing. She was probably passed out from the pills and if she had any booze, she’d be down for a while.

I started the van and drove straight to Doctor Hansen’s small practice. His receptionist greeted me and then took me right into one of the examination rooms. She held up a gown and instructed me to undress and put it on.

Doctor Hansen was a short, balding man with a knack for making me laugh. Despite his humor, though, I always felt safe and informed whenever I saw him. The doctors in Boston had made me feel insignificant, so it was nice to have a doctor who actually wanted me to know as much as I possibly could about leukemia.

“Good morning, Lorraine,” he greeted me by my given name, claiming he would never call me Rainey when I asked him to. It was one of the quirks I adored about him. “Let’s see those bruises,” he said. I pulled the back edges of the gown forward, keeping the front of my body covered and allowing him access to the discolored skin on my back. “These are pretty bad, my dear. What happened and when did they form?”

“I fell last night and they were like this when I woke up this morning,” I explained.

“Alright. Let’s do some blood work. These will heal, but the quickness with which they appeared worries me. I want to see what your white blood cell count is,” he said. He sat at the computer in the office and moved his hands across the keys. After a few moments, he turned back to me. “So, what else is new, Lorraine? Are you seeing anyone?”

How he knew, I would never know. “Yes, sir. I’ve been dating Chris Baker for a couple of weeks now,” I told him.

“Chris Baker. He’s the fellow who bought The Landing, isn’t he?” At my nod, he continued. “He’s quite the hard worker. What does he have to say about the bruises?”

“He doesn’t know,” I said. “He actually doesn’t know about the leukemia at all.”

Silence.

“It’s just that I don’t want him to get upset over nothing. I mean, the blood work I had done in Boston last month showed an increase in white blood cells, which is good, right? I’m getting better,” I said, desperate to defend my decision not to tell Baker.

“You
were
getting better, Lorraine. Things looked good a month ago, but with these bruises, I can only imagine what the blood work is going to show. We may have to discuss chemotherapy,” he explained.

I groaned. The last thing I wanted was for the cancer to be back. Not to mention losing my hair would seriously damage my self-image. I mean, I knew how necessary it was, and how
not
doing it could be seriously dangerous, but I’d spent the bulk of my life being overweight. My hair was the one thing that hadn’t changed – it was a long and soft, a gorgeous shade of blonde that a bottle couldn’t replicate. It wasn’t fair.

“I don’t see any other choice,” Doctor Hansen emphasized. “Now, let’s get the blood work done and we can get you out of here for today.”

I knew he was right. Whether I was okay with it or not, chemo was the final step in my road to recovery. Although, if the cancer was back, there wasn’t much that could be done after chemo, which meant all my dreams in life weren’t going to be realized.

I tried not to think about it as I had my blood drawn. I thought about my perfect summer with Baker and how it might be my last. Having an inkling that I could die was like a revelation about what mattered in life. And it wasn’t my blonde hair or the fact that my mother was a druggie. All that mattered to me, at that exact moment, was Baker.

I left the doctor’s office and drove straight to Mallory’s house. I needed to talk to her about what the bruises meant for me. I called Gabby on the way and asked her to meet me there. It was convenient that we’d planned a girls’ night, since I really needed the only two people in Casper (other than my doctor) to know about the possibility of my cancer coming back. Doctor Hansen promised I would have results in twenty-four hours, and it would be a rough day for me.

I pulled into the driveway of Mallory’s home and thought of her father. Joe Wells was one of the most amazing men I’d ever known. In the short time I’d spent with him last month, I’d grown very close to him, probably because of our common cancer-filled bodies. He’d been supportive of me when I told him about the leukemia.

Mallory was grief-stricken and I felt helpless. Her father was going to die soon and there wasn’t a damn thing any of us could do about it. When she went to Luke’s apartment, determined that a sexual romp would release some of her pent-up anger, I went into Joe’s room.

“Hey, girl. How’s it going?” Joe’s voice was weak and he was far too skinny. I stared at him for a moment without answering. This could be my future.

“It’s going, Mr. Wells,” I tried to joke, but ended up sounding more despondent than playful.

“Sit down, Rainey. Tell me what’s wrong,” he demanded.

I swallowed hard and took a seat in the chair next to his bed. “I don’t know where to start,” I admitted.

“Start at the beginning,” he replied. He placed his hand over mine and I was immediately comforted.

“Well, I guess that would be when my dad died. And I don’t need any reassurances or comfort about his death,” I said quickly, when it looked like he was going to say something about my dad. “I’m okay with his death. But after I went back to LA, I found out I had leukemia.”

“Well, I didn’t see that coming,” Joe said.

“So my aunt encouraged me to stay there, where they have some great doctors, and I wouldn’t be burdened with trying to keep all my friends happy and not worried about me. It was easier to deal with everyone long-distance. Gabby is the only one I told about the cancer. And now, I’m afraid to tell Mallory – she’s not exactly handling the news of your cancer very well.”

“I agree that you should keep Mallory in the dark. She’s still dealing with my sickness, and soon, she’ll have to deal with my death. But there will come a time when she’s going to need to hear it and you’re going to have to tell her. And I think you’ll know when the time comes. But back to you. Are you afraid of what the leukemia will do to you?” Joe asked.

“Yes and no. I mean, so far, it’s under control and the doctors haven’t told me to say my goodbyes or anything, but it’s still there, lurking in the shadows. I’m afraid to say goodbye.”

“It’s hard, Rainey, but not impossible. Once you accept your fate. You can help others deal with your death, even before it happens. Cancer patients have the coveted advantage of knowing they’re going to die, whereas most people don’t. You have a chance to inspire the people around you, not to mourn your death, but rather celebrate your life. And I think that is something worthwhile,” he said.

His words really hit home. I wanted to talk to him some more, but he fell asleep. It was the last conversation I had with him.

Joe was the one person who understood my issues completely. Eventually, I told Mallory about the leukemia, and she and Gabby were supportive, but they didn’t understand the disease. They didn’t know how many times I had to force myself to get up in the morning when I would rather lay in bed and sleep all day. They didn’t understand that drinking alcohol usually made me violently ill or that I often got extremely tired for no reason at all.

This life was a burden, one I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I didn’t have to wish it on someone else, though; it was just for me: my own personal hell. I tried to ignore the facts and focus on living whatever life I had left to the fullest. I didn’t want to count my chickens before they hatched.

I pulled into Mallory’s driveway and made my way inside. The house still smelled a little like Joe and I smiled at the immediate memories his scent brought to my mind.

“Hello?” I called into the seemingly empty house. When I got no answer, I checked outside for Mallory’s car. It wasn’t there. Instead of leaving, I made myself comfortable. I sat on the couch and pulled my smartphone out of my purse, clicking through the apps until I had a book on the screen. I had a distinct love of reading and tried to get in as much time as I could with a good book.

It was a while later, when the sun was just starting its descent into western horizon that the front door swung open. I jumped.

“Hey, Rainey,” Luke said from the doorway.

I turned toward him. “Hi, Luke. I’m just waiting for Mallory,” I explained.

“I figured. She had to work at the bank late, but I just got off the phone with her and she should be home in a few minutes. Actually, do you have a minute to talk?” He walked through the living room to the extra-large recliner in the corner and sat down.

“Sure,” I said, putting my phone back in my purse and giving him my attention.

He locked his hands together with elbows resting on his knees, a gesture that reminded me so much of Joe.

“What’s going on, Rainey?”

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t play dumb. I watched cancer slowly kill Joe for years. Do you really think I wouldn’t recognize the signs? I’m not letting it go anymore. You either tell me right now or I take my suspicions to Baker,” he threatened.

“No! Please don’t,” I begged. Tears welled up in my eyes and I tried to reign them in. “It’s not what you think.”

“Oh? Then tell me what it is,” he suggested.

“Uhh,” I tried to think of something, but my mind came up blank.

“Don’t lie to me, Rainey. I’m your friend and I don’t really understand why you’re hiding this from everyone,” he said. His blue eyes turned sad, almost fearful.

“I’m not hiding it from
everyone
,” I emphasized. “I just don’t want Baker to know. It’s not wrong of me to want one perfect summer before…”

“Before…you die?” Anger flashed in his eyes and he stood. “Tell me what it is.”

“I have leukemia,” I whispered, not looking at him.

Luke sat back down. “Rainey, I’m sorry that you are going through this, but all of us care about you, and we should have known. You need to tell Baker.”

“No! I can’t,” I said. “He won’t understand, Luke. You remember how it was with Joe – he couldn’t tell Mallory for years because of the guilt he felt. That’s how I feel now. I don’t want Baker to know.”

“You’re being selfish,” he said, rising off the recliner again. “I won’t let you do this to him, Rainey. He’s already half in love with you and this will cut him deep when he finds out. And he
will
find out. He’s not an idiot – he already came to me wondering what was up because of the bruises. Not to mention that this is a small town, which means eventually someone will let it slip to the wrong person and everyone will know. And how will that make Baker feel to find out about you from the gossips in town instead of you? You’ve got a choice to make. I’ll give you a week to tell him the truth or I will,” he said. He stomped out of the room, effectively cutting off any other arguments I could summon.

He was right; I needed to tell Baker. I hoped he would understand.

Six

Baker

When I finally made it back to my apartment, I was exhausted and definitely not in the mood to deal with a guys’ night. But Luke and Wolfe were already waiting for me, so I couldn’t exactly kick them out, as much as I wanted to. They were standing in front of Luke’s truck in the driveway, deep in discussion when I pulled in. I opened the truck door and nodded to them.

“Hey, what’s up?” I asked as I climbed out. I slammed the door closed, more out of habit than frustration, but they both raised a brow at me. “It closes hard.” They both looked appeased.

“What’s on the agenda?” Wolfe asked as they followed me up the stairs into my apartment.

My apartment was above a small pool hall, and although I sucked at the game, I didn’t want to be stuck at my place. I needed a beer and a little bit of relaxation.

“How about we play a few rounds of pool?” I suggested.

Both of them looked amused. “Trying to take your mind off Rainey?” Luke asked. I rolled my eyes but didn’t comment. He was right, of course, but I wasn’t about to give him the satisfaction of knowing.

“Let’s go,” I said instead. I left the apartment without so much as a backward glance and walked into the pool hall.

I order three beers from the bartender and then paid for a table. I had the balls racked up and beers waiting by the time Wolfe and Luke made it downstairs. No doubt they took an extra minute up there to discuss me. I took a long swallow off my beer and grabbed a cue.

“You going to girl-talk all night or play pool?” I grinned at them, lining up the break. Of all my lacking pool skills, I could break like no one else I knew. It was my best chance at winning.

“Who said you get to break?” Luke protested as I slammed the white ball with the cue and it went sailing into the group of colored and striped balls, spreading them out across the table. Two dropped into a corner pocket and I laughed.

“I break because I never get any balls after the break,” I admitted. Both of them were aware of my shitty pool skills and were probably wondering why on earth I would choose to play pool instead of poker or something.

The truth was, the loud music in the pool hall drowned out my thoughts of Rainey and the loud cracking of the balls slamming together filled my head instead of thinking about Rainey’s secret. She was important to me, but I didn’t want to allow myself to get too close. She’d made herself very clear at the beginning of our little arrangement, informing me that this was to be just a summer fling and nothing more. It didn’t matter that I had feelings for her; she wouldn’t have it.

“Hello? Earth to Baker.” Luke waved a hand in front of my face and I realized I was poised to shoot but I hadn’t moved in several seconds.

“Whoops,” I said, lining up my next shot again and then whipping the cue into the white ball.

It careened off the table and onto the green felt top of the pool table two rows over. It bounced once and then rolled into the side pocket of that table. Lucky for me, it didn’t hit anyone and there wasn’t anyone playing at that table. Wolfe and Luke erupted into riotous laughter as I made my way across the place and grabbed the ball before anyone else noticed my mishap. The glaring bartender let me know that she had seen. I grinned like a fool at her and made my way back to our table.

“Shut up,” I demanded of my friends. They could hardly contain themselves. I ignored them and set the ball down on the table. “One of you just take a damn shot.” I walked over to the small pub table against the wall and sipped from my beer.

Luke stepped up to the pool table and lined up a shot. Wolfe finally quieted down and came to stand next to the pub table. He rested both his hands on the top of his cue and looked at me pointedly.

“How’s things with Rainey?” he asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, Luke told me about her keeping a secret,” he explained.

“Real subtle, Wolfe. Play the damn game,” Luke said, walking away from the pool table after his missed shot and pushing Wolfe away from the pub table.

“I’m going.” He shrugged Luke off and lined up his shot.

“So you told Wolfe before you told me?” I glared at Luke.

“I didn’t tell him anything. He asked about you and Rainey and I just told him that you thought Rainey was hiding something. That’s
all
I told him,” he said with a glare at Wolfe.

“So what’s she hiding?”

“Unfortunately, I can’t tell you,” he started. At my look of surprise, he continued. “I
will
tell you, if she doesn’t. But I’ve given her a week to work up the courage to tell you. And when she does, man, you’ve got to try to be understanding, because it’s not something that’s easy to discuss with someone. Trust me, I know,” he said.

I sighed. “I guess I don’t have a choice then. I’m not going to give up on her, so that means waiting for her to trust me enough to tell me the truth.” I sipped my beer and Wolfe approached. “Does everyone but me know?”

“Not really. Wolfe doesn’t know,” Luke said with a grin.

“Hey, not for lack of trying, though. Gabby’s not talking to me right now, so I am currently shit out of luck for knowing gossip,” he said.

“What’s with the on-again, off-again thing you and Gabby have going?” Luke asked him.

“Oh, that. She runs hot and cold. She loves me one minute and hates me the next. It’s frustrating and it really makes me want to walk away, but I love her, so I’m stuck. For the time being, I’m just happy for any time she wants to spend with me,” Wolfe explained.

Wolfe and Gabby were going through a divorce, but the judge had demanded they go to counseling and try to work on their marriage for an entire year before they would be granted a divorce. It was something to do with them being so young when they married and the fact that the judge was anti-divorce.

Theirs was an odd situation and I definitely wouldn’t want to be in it, but I did feel for Wolfe. He was in love with his wife and she couldn’t make up her mind how she felt about him. It was sad, really. But it was their problem to deal with, and Wolfe wasn’t a huge fan of discussing the intimate details of his marriage, so I only knew bits and pieces from what Rainey had heard from Gabby.

“I totally get that hot and cold thing,” I told Wolfe. “Rainey claims she doesn’t want anything more than a fling, but she sleeps over almost every night, regardless of whether I have to work the next day or not. It’s like having a live-in girlfriend who doesn’t want to actually
be
my girlfriend,” I sighed.

Another round of laughter started and I ignored them. They called me a girl and then drank their beers, talking amongst themselves while I took another shot. When I walked back over to them, they stopped talking and Luke went to take his next shot.

“If you guys are going to talk about me, the least you could do is include me,” I muttered under my breath.

Beer flew out of Wolfe’s mouth as he tried to hold back a laugh while he drank from his beer. The floor was soaked and I shook my head in disgust, but didn’t say anything more. I wished someone would put me out of my misery.

“Listen, Baker,” Luke said as he approached the table and grabbed his beer. “We are never going to understand women.
Never ever
. If you accept that, you’ll live a much happier life, I promise.”

I rolled my eyes, but he made sense. Rainey was someone whose behaviors and attitudes I was never going to be able to predict. She was a hellcat and every minute with her was time spent on my toes. She had a great sense of humor and she got weepy late at night when she thought I was asleep, but I didn’t get why. Luke was right; I wasn’t going to understand her.

“So, I should just enjoy the ride?” I asked.

“Oh, she likes to ride? Good to know,” Wolfe joked.

“Some women are domineering,” Luke laughed.

I couldn’t help but laugh along. “Shut up. My sex life is none of your business,” I informed them. “But if it was, you’d know that I’ve never been with anyone like Rainey,” I boasted.

“Oh, now you
have
to tell us,” Wolfe begged. “You can’t leave us with a juicy piece of info like that and then just cut us off.”

“She’s just a little wild, you know? She takes what she wants and she’s not afraid to tell me exactly what it is she wants me to do,” I said.

“Nice,” Luke chuckled.

“Damn. Gabby’s more reserved in the bedroom. Of course, it’s been a long time since she and I were even in a bedroom together,” Wolfe said wistfully.

“Can we stop with all the girl talk and get to this stupid pool game?” I asked, making my way back to the pool table.

“It’s my turn.” Wolfe pushed me back against the pub table and our beer bottles would have fallen if Luke hadn’t been fast enough to catch them.

Wolfe laughed and took his spot at the pool table while I hung back and took my beer from Luke.

“You think you and Mallory will ever get married?” I asked, suddenly curious about it.

Luke choked on his beer. “I’m not sure. I mean, watching Wolfe and Gabby go through what they’re going through makes me nervous, you know? They used to be happy, and now they can hardly stand each other most days. It’s heartbreaking and I’m not sure I want to experience that,” he answered.

“But what about love and all that?” I asked, watching Wolfe sink a ball in the corner pocket and then line up another shot.

“I know. It’s a confusing thing. I love Mal, but we haven’t talked about marriage and I’m not sure we will for a while. She’s still mourning Joe’s death – hell, we all are. He wasn’t someone you forget easily,” Luke said.

I couldn’t help but agree. My mind drifted back to one conversation Joe and I had before his death.

Rainey was back in town and completely ignoring me. As much as I wanted to ask her out, I was a little afraid of rejection. She was the one person who shook the foundation of my very soul when she walked back into town. Seeing her for the first time after all those years was like someone put a vice around my heart and tightened it so that my heart just exploded inside my chest. She was beautiful in every possible way, inside and out. And I was a fool to think she would ever have anything to do with me.

Joe Wells was on his deathbed at home and I needed some guidance. He was the smartest guy I knew.

“Chris, good to see you, son,” Joe greeted me. He refused to call me by my last name like everyone else I knew.

“Mr. Wells, I’m glad you’re awake,” I said, shaking his frail hand.

“Sit down, sit down. Let’s chat,” he suggested. Once I was seated, he smiled at me. “What’s new, boy?”

It usually bothered me when people called me boy, but with Joe, it was appropriate. “I’m just trying to figure out what the hell to do about Rainey,” I blurted.

“Ah… Mallory told me Rainey was back in town and I wondered when you would see her,” he said.

“Yeah, I ran into her at The Landing last night and made a complete fool of myself,” I admitted. “She probably thinks I’m a dumbass.”

Joe chuckled. “Probably. But ever there were two people who belonged together, it’s you and Rainey. The way you two clicked when she was in high school wasn’t a fluke. The two of you are meant to be, Chris. I suggest you do whatever is necessary to make it right and don’t give up on her. Never, you hear me? No matter what obstacles you face, stand by her side,” he commanded.

I had nodded my agreement and then the conversation turned to something more menial. I blew out a breath and decided right there in the bar that I would heed Joe’s words. I would stand by Rainey no matter what her secret was, no matter if I was hurt by her or not. Joe was right; Rainey and I were meant to be and I wasn’t about to let her slip through my fingers.