BrookLyn's Journey (27 page)

“Yes, sir?”
She
look
ed straight down the stairs
,
directly into his eyes
.

“Your mother better not call me at wor
k
. I will keep you home from school tomorrow
.
”

“Yes, sir
.
”

H
e meant that
he
would
keep her
home
so
the teachers
wouldn’t
see
her
bruises.

BrookLyn remembered the last time she had to stay home from school
.
He
’d
woke her up from a deep sleep and
beat her black and blue—
her face, chest, and arms
—she
was stuck in her room for a week
with nothing but the fear and pain he’
d
instilled
.

“
Y
ou’re no
t
hurting from a few days ago
anymore by the look of it
.
Y
ou don’t want to feel that way again, right?”

Actually,
I love the way that beating made me feel.
Let’s get together and
do it again sometime
.
I
f only she
could say it to him.

“
No,
sir,
I
don’t
.”

BrookLyn
walked into
her
room
and
hopped onto bed
. She
grabbed
her
journal
again
.
No more
think
ing
about
her parents
and their threats
, just
thought
s of
Gabby
. As she
penned
her
story
, she
kept going back and forth
with her
feelings
, much the
same
as she had been
in real life. As
soon as she decided it was
right
,
that
thought
was
immediately
conquered by reasons that
they
shouldn’t be together. The ball was in
her
court. Was
she
ready to make
the
next move?

Chapter
Nine

A few weeks had passed and BrookLyn hadn’t seen nor heard from
Gabby
. She had spent those weeks wandering the school halls
,
lost in thought
,
or at choir rehearsal, always scanning for Gabby
—s
he hadn’t even been to church. Honestly, BrookLyn didn’t even know what she would say if she did call. And the more days that passed, the harder it became for her to pick up the phone and call Gabby too. Although she was desperate to hear the sound of Gabby’s voice, she had no answers, she felt as if she was dancing on the fence.

Being with a woman challenged
BrookLyn’s
belief system.
She had been
taught that it was a sin for two women
, or two men,
to love each other.
She may not have clearly understood the man-woman relationship either, but at least it was a familiar sight.

Since her parents made her watch the news all the time, she had seen the stories about hate crimes and gay people being bullied. Did she want that for herself? Was being with
Gabby
worth that?

Standing in the entry to the
church
, filled with
a combination of old women spraying on cheap perfume and old men using the whole bottle of cheaper cologne
, BrookLyn longed for Gabby’s sweet smell.

Tiffany
walked
into the church
and BrookLyn saw her chance to at least find out about
Gabby
.

“Tiffany,
” BrookLyn whispered,
“
I want to ask you something
.
”

“What’s up?”

“I haven’t seen your cousin in a
while. I was wondering if you have.”

“I have a lot of cousins, BrookLyn. Which one?”

“You know I mean, Gabby. Have you seen her?”

“No. I did hear she was upset about something but wasn’t sure what it was. You know what’s going on?” Tiffany asked.

Tiffany acted like she didn’t, but BrookLyn was
sure she knew
.
“Maybe
,
but I don’t really want to talk about that.”

“I know,” she whispered
.
“You don’t want church people in your non-church business.”
Tiffany
laughed pretty loud
,
but
BrookLyn
didn’t see the humor in what she
’d
said.

“It’s much more than that, Tiffany. It really is much more than that.”

“Well, Ms. BrookLyn you might want to call
her
then. Leave me out of it. If you really want to know how she’s doing, call her. It really is that simple
.
”
She
stroll
ed
away with attitude.

“None of this is simple. If it was I wouldn’t be wondering how she was doing, I’d know.”

“Pick up the phone and call her BrookLyn,” she
hollered
over her shoulder
as the old ladies looked like they were
about to shush them.

BrookLyn
smiled and mouthed
sorry
.
The
last thing she
needed was for them to tell
her
parents
she
was loud and acting up in church.

She had
expected
her
conversation with Tiffany to go much better than it did.
She
wanted to call Gabby
,
and many nights
she even
tried
, but
hung up before she
’d
picked up.

W
ill
I ever see her again?
W
ould
it be fair
to call her
? She
still had no answer
s, but she
needed
to at least hear her voice.
Her
cell phone was back in the closet
,
and i
t wasn’t very easy to call from
home
anyway. BrookLyn
anxiously
sneaked
to the back of the church where the pastor’s phone was
, picked it up and
dialed
.
Her
heart rate increased
with each number she
dialed
.

After three long
,
desperate rings,
Gabby finally
answered. “Hello
.
”

BrookLyn
didn’t answer.
She
had no idea what to say.

“Hello?”
Gabby repeated.

Did
Gabby
kn
ow
,
or
maybe
even hope
,
it was
her?

“Well, since you don’t want to talk, I’m hanging up
.
”
She
paus
ed, waiting
for an answer.

BrookLyn
wrapped the phone in both hands
as if
trying to bring
Gabby’s
voice closer
.
Her
heart skip
ped
a beat.
This
is
right for me
.
Her
heart knew
,
but
her
mind
wasn’t
on board
yet
.

“Peace
.
”
Gabby
hung
up the phone. As the dial tone sang in
BrookLyn’s
ear,
her
heart cried
and she
realized that
the pain she felt in
lov
ing
Gabby
was
almost
equal to the joy it brought.

She
didn’t want this pain to define what
she
felt. Love
is
not supposed to cause you any pain. Every movie or show that
she
saw or book that
she
read
said that—l
ove shouldn’t hurt.

What
am
I going to do with Gabby
?
She
felt something that
she
believed to be
love and the fear of it hurt.
They’d
be together in front of
Gabby’s
friends
,
but not
BrookLyn’s
.
Is
that anyway to live?
BrookLyn
didn’t think so.

She
grabbed the receiver again
and
dial
ed
Gabby’s number.
She
had to hear her voice
one more time
. That one word,
hello
,
spoke
volumes to
her. She
had to call her again.

The phone stopped ringing and
there was
anger in Gabby’s voice when she
answered.

BrookLyn
froze. Too many thoughts swirled around her head.

“You got about two seconds to talk
,
or
—
”

“It’s me
.
”

“Well
,
me
, w
hat do you want?”

“I wanted to hear your voice.”

“Well, you heard it.”
Gabby
still
sounded
angry
,
but didn’t hang up.

“Listen, this is all new to me. I’m afraid.”

“Afraid of what?”

“Not sure.”

“I told you that I love you.”

“I know
.
”
BrookLyn
started to cry.
Would that be enough?

“
I told you a million times,
I’ll never hurt you
, but
I don’t want to be with someone who is afraid of me.”

“I’m not afraid of
you
. I’m afraid of us
,
and what my parents and family will think.
”

They
sat in silence for a moment
, and all BrookLyn could hear was the beating of her heart.
“Look
,
I’m going through something since all this came about. My heart is saying yes at the same time my head is screaming no. It boils down to me just being afraid of what’s to come out of all of this. And, when I get afraid sometimes it’s easier to just run.”

“You’re allowed to be afraid.
Please, just don’t
run
,
or cut me out of your life.”
She was almost begging.

“I just need a little more time before I know what to do. I know what I want to do but
...
sometimes the heart is wrong. I’ve always listened to my head. Actually, my heart has never played a role in any of my decisions.”

Gabby
sighed but didn’t say anything.

“I miss you,”
BrookLyn
managed to say.