Butterfly (7 page)

That lady scared the shit out of me! She was kind of husky with big-ass eyes. She was adorable, though, in her own crazy way.

“Quit it, girl!” Ms. Alicia laughed.

“I'm Auntie Tina. I have a daughter around your age. Y'all might be able to hang out sometime.”

Auntie Tina was about five feet four inches, dark, slightly overweight, and she had long hair but it was not styled at all. She was soft-spoken and timid.

“That'll be nice.”

“I'm Auntie Susan. Alicia and I used to work together.”

Auntie Susan was white. She was short, cute and acted like a black woman. Her husband was a black man and that may have something to do with it.

“That's the white sheep of the family!” Auntie Wanda joked.

“Okay.” I chuckled. Nobody else laughed, but I thought Auntie Wanda's joke was hilarious.

“I'm Auntie Tazzy. Good to meet you.”

“Good to meet you, too, Auntie Tazzy.”

Auntie Tazzy was short, petite and also soft spoken. She had a certain charisma about her that everyone seemed to respect.

“Hi, Shante, I'm Darsha. I'm too young to be your aunt, but you can call me auntie anyway.”

Darsha did not look much older than me. She was young but she sounded like she had herself together.

“Y'all about the same age, Darsha!” Auntie Wanda joked.

“Don't pay no attention to her. She's just mad because her old ass ran out of Geritol this morning!”

“Damn, that's cold. I just made a little joke and you coming at me with ageism.”

“Forgive these ladies, but they don't know any better. I'm your Auntie Lisa.”

Auntie Lisa was prim and proper. She was kind of tall, not nearly as tall as me, but tall. Her hair was long, and her face was unblemished.

“Hi, Auntie Lisa.”

“Hey, I'm your Auntie Valerie.”

Auntie Valerie dressed like a dude. Her hair was cut like a dude. And she talked like a dude. She reminded so much of a man I almost called her Uncle Valerie.

“She's our version of Ellen DeGeneres!”

“Wanda, shut your big-ass mouth!” Auntie Valerie yelled.

“Stop cussing like that in front of that girl, Val!” Darsha said.

“I'm sorry, Shante.”

“That's okay.”

We drank tea, and then two very fine masseurs came over and gave all of us relaxing massages. By the way, I found out that day that a masseur was a male who gave massages and a masseuse was a female. Anyway, we also got our hair and nails done, too. I felt like a queen. The only time I was treated like that was when Mr. Harry groomed me for the stage.

It took me a while to feel comfortable because those women looked important and I did not want to say the wrong thing. I was not used to being around those kinds of professional people. I will always love the Powells and consider them as my real family, but they were not exactly Buckhead type of folk. Buckhead is a very upscale area of Atlanta. No, they were educated but old
school. These women were hip and knew what was going on in the world.

I studied Auntie Valerie all day because she was a little peculiar from the rest of the “office girls.” She was pretty but she was also very masculine-looking. That night, my curiosity got the best of me and I had to ask her.

“Are you a lesbian?”

“Don't you answer that!” Auntie Wanda covered Auntie Valerie's mouth.

“Move!” Auntie Valerie pushed Auntie Wanda's hand away. “Yes, sweetheart, I'm a lesbian.”

“Oh Lord! She done corrupted our youth!” Auntie Wanda said.

“One of my best friends is a lesbian. We messed around a little but nothing major,” I said.

Ms. Alicia spat out her drink and sprayed on her friends.

“Man, damn!” Auntie Wanda shouted. “You done gave me a damn shower!”

“What?” Ms. Alicia asked.

“Good for you and your friend!” Auntie Valerie laughed and then kissed me on the cheek.

“I believe the children are our future!” Auntie Wanda pulled Auntie Valerie away.

“But uh,” Ms. Alicia said, “but you're not a lesbian, right?”

“No, ma'am. It was just a curiosity phase.”

“Lawdy Clawdy!” Auntie Wanda shouted.

“What do you know about lesbianism, Shante?” Ms. Alicia asked.

“Nothing,” I said.

“Nothing?” Ms. Alicia asked. “You just said,
‘it was a curious phase.'”

“I meant to say, um, I'm, um, I'm good.” I knew that did not make sense, but I was nervous and said the first thing that came to my mind.

“Excuse me, ladies, but I think me and Ms. Shante needs to have a little talk.”

“Oh-oh!” Auntie Wanda said. “Somebody's in trou-ble.”

“You gon' be in trouble if you don't shut the hell up!” Auntie Valerie said.

“I'm serious, girls, the party's over! Shante and I need to be alone.”

The “office girls” grabbed their jackets and purses and left. Ms. Alicia asked Auntie Valerie to stay behind to talk to me. They sat on both sides of me and talked very cautiously as if I had some kind of a disease or something.

“Do you want to talk about it, Shante?” Auntie Valerie asked.

“Talk about what?”

“Lesbianism!” Ms. Alicia said.

“Calm down, Alicia! I got this,” Auntie Valerie said. “Go 'head, baby.”

Ms. Alicia sat back and folded her arms.

“Well,” I said, “I don't really have anything to talk about.”

“How old were you when you started to have those urges?” Auntie Valerie asked.

“What urges?” I asked.

“Urges to touch another girl.”

“I'm sorry, Auntie Valerie, but I never really had those urges.”

“Then why do you think that you're a lesbian?”

“I never said I thought I was a lesbian. I just fooled around with a girl, that's all. We all did.”

“We all who, Shante?” Ms. Alicia sat up.

“Alicia! Don't overreact!” Auntie Valerie shouted. “Okay, we all who, baby?”

“My friends from school.” I looked back and forth at Ms. Alicia and Auntie Valerie.

“When you say ‘fooled around,' what exactly did you do?” Auntie Valerie asked.

“I mean like, we would kiss each other. Touch each other.”

“Touch each other where?” Ms. Alicia asked.

“Everywhere,” I said.

“Everywhere like where, the breasts, the vagina? Where?”

“The breasts, the butt, you know.”

“OH MY GOD!” Ms. Alicia shouted.

“I'm sorry!” I shouted back.

“Would you stop it, Alicia?” Auntie Valerie said. “If you want her to open up and talk, you're going to have to stop tripping every time she opens her damn mouth!”

“I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!” Ms. Alicia said. “I won't say another word. Y'all go on. Act like I'm not even here.”

“It's hard to do that when you won't be quiet,” Auntie Valerie said. “Now Shante, did you enjoy touching your friend?”

“It was okay.”

“Did this happen only one time, or more than one time?”

“Way more than once.”

“Lord Jesus!” Ms. Alicia screamed as she covered her mouth. “Okay, that's enough!”

“No, let her talk! Ignoring it is not going to make it go away, Alicia.”

“I don't know if I want to hear any more of this, Val.”

“I don't believe you, Alicia.”

“What do you mean, you don't believe me?”

“You know what I went through at Shante's age and now you're doing the same thing to her!”

“I'm not doing anything to her but trying to protect her!”

“Protect her from what, Alicia?” Auntie Valerie said. “Hell?”

While Auntie Valerie and Ms. Alicia were arguing, I sat back and hoped they would forget about me.

“You said it, Val, I didn't!”

“What good are you doing this girl by making her think the Lord won't love her if she likes girls?”

“The Bible clearly states that homosexuality is a sin!”

“The Bible also says that lying is a sin! Adultery is a sin! And judging is a sin! I don't see you condemning yourself to hell.”

“That's different and you know it.”

“Let me tell you something, Alicia! If your God is like you claim, He loves everybody! It's not Him that's turning people away in Heaven. It's hypocrites like you who are turning people away from His churches!”

After listening to them go back and forth, I figured they would never stop so I tried to step in. If it meant answering all of their questions, so be it.

“Can I say something, please?” I asked.

“Sure, sweetheart,” Ms. Alicia said.

“I don't like girls,” I said. “I...”

“If you like girls, you like girls. There's nothing wrong with that,” Auntie Valerie interrupted.

“And there's nothing wrong with liking boys, either, Shante.” Ms. Alicia raised her voice to talk over Auntie Valerie.

“I'm afraid you can't just turn it on and off like that, sweetheart.”

“I'm not turning it off and on, Auntie Valerie,” I said. “I never really liked girls like I liked boys. It was just that I was always in that situation with girls, and not boys.”

“Which do you prefer?” Auntie Valerie asked.

“I mean, I don't have to prefer because I just like boys.”

“Did Ms. Alicia's reaction intimidate you into saying that?”

“I didn't intimidate her! This house is a free society!” Ms. Alicia snapped.

“No, she didn't intimidate me. I just like boys; that's all. Some of my friends still like girls, but I don't.”

“Have you ever had sex with a boy, Shante?” Auntie Valerie asked.

“No, ma'am.”

“Thank you, Jesus!” Ms. Alicia clapped her hands together.

“Then how do you know you like boys?”

“Valerie!” Ms. Alicia shouted. “She doesn't have to have sex with a boy to know that she likes boys!”

“You got to have a test drive to know if you like the car, Alicia.”

“Okay, that's it!” Ms. Alicia said. “Good night, Val.”

“We're not through yet.”

“Oh yes we are! Good night!”

“So we're going to end the conversation all up in the air like this?”

“Yes, 'bye!” Ms. Alicia grabbed Auntie Valerie's hand and led her to the door.

“You have her batting for the wrong team, Alicia,” Auntie Valerie said. “The girl is confused!”

“Okay, thank you for all of your assistance. Good night!”

Ms. Alicia pushed Auntie Valerie out of the door and closed it behind her. She came back into the dining room and asked me to sit down.

“Sit!” Ms. Alicia pointed to a chair.

I sat down and put my hands underneath my legs.

“Okay, let's discuss some of the rules of the house.”

“Okay,” I said.

“In this house, we are allowed to speak our minds but in a respectful and articulate manner. Is that understood?”

“Yes, ma'am.”

“And I want you to know that you can talk to Dr. Forrester or me about anything that concerns you. I should not have judged you just now. I should have listened and discussed it with you. That will never happen again. In this house we keep no secrets. Now I want you to promise that if anything bothers you, or if there's anything
you want to discuss, you'll let Dr. Forrester or me know, okay?”

“Yes, ma'am.”

“Promise?”

“Yes, ma'am, I promise.”

“Shante, if you call me ‘ma'am' one more time, girl!”

“I'm sorry, ma'am,” I said. “Oops! I mean, Ms. Alicia.”

“Girl! Are you trying to get yourself hurt?”

“It slipped.” I chuckled.

“Seriously,” Ms. Alicia said. “I know I'm not your mother and I'm not trying to be, but...”

“Please! My mother was a bitch!”

“Oh my God! Why would you say such a thing?”

“Because she gave me up for adoption!”

“Shante! You're not going to use that language in this house, and I don't want to ever hear you talk that way about your mother!”

“But you don't understand, Ms. Alicia. That woman abandoned me!” I started to cry and Ms. Alicia consoled me.

“It's okay, baby.” Ms. Alicia leaned over and put her arms around me. She handed me a napkin from off of the table to wipe my eyes. “Here you go.”

I don't know where the words came from, but they began to spill out and I screamed. “I hate that woman! I hate her! I hate her! I hate her! I hate her! I hate her!”

“You don't mean that, sweetheart!”

“Oh yes I do!”

“Hey, what's going on in here?” Dr. Forrester peeked around the corner. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes, everything is fine, honey. We're just having an important girl conversation, that's all.”

“Well, that's my cue to exit,” Dr. Forrester said. “If you need me, I'll be upstairs.”

“We won't need you. So go to sleep.”

“Good night, ladies.”

“Good night, baby.”

I would have said “good night,” but I had my face stuck on Ms. Alicia's shoulder and was crying my tears out.

After Dr. Forrester went upstairs, Ms. Alicia raised my head. “Baby, listen, I don't know what you've been through, but you're home now. There's no reason for you to hate anybody. Not your mother, not anybody. It's time to start forgivin' so you can start livin'.”

“I can't.” I lowered my head.

“Why not?”

“Because it hurts.”

“I understand more than you realize, but you shouldn't hold on to that anger, Shante. It's not going to do you any good.”

“But if my real mother had been there for me, my life probably would have turned out differently!” I said. “She didn't even care what happened to me.”

“I'm sure she did.”