Authors: Janet Sanders
Ellie burst through the door onto the street, then swiveled back and forth until she saw a man in jeans and a leather coat walking off down the sidewalk. “Hey! You!” she shouted.
The man turned around. He was tall, athletic, and beautiful, and Ellie was quite sure who she was looking at. “You’re Brad, right?”
The man considered her for a moment, then took a few steps forward. “You’re the sister?”
“Ellie,” she answered. “I have a name.”
“I know you do,” he answered. “How did you know it was me?”
“A guy walks into a bar, tall and muscular, and takes one look at my sister before spinning around and running away? I don’t think there are two guys in this town who answer that description.”
“I wasn’t running away,” Brad said, though he was clearly dismayed to have been caught in the act. “I just didn’t think Sarah would want to see me.”
Ellie stood in front of him with her hands on her hips, her chin thrust out as if in challenge. “It’s pretty clear to me that you have no idea what my sister wants.”
Brad nodded. “You may be right about that. I am sorry for how it turned out, for what that’s worth.”
“It’s not worth much.”
“You’re probably right about that, too. How is she doing?”
“She’s not doing great. You hurt her. She’s doing her usual thing, working so hard that she forgets she has feelings in the first place. But you hurt her badly, and that’s not going away anytime soon.”
Brad looked down at his feet, and when he looked up it was with pain in his eyes. “That was the one thing I didn’t want to happen. We both knew it wasn’t forever, but I hoped that we could be friends at the end. I miss her.”
Ellie was ready with another angry retort, but somehow the pain in Brad’s face made all her words fall away. “Why don’t you go talk to her?” she asked finally.
“About what? That I’m still leaving? That she’s still not coming with me?”
“Did you give her that choice?”
“Do you really want me to? Is that what you hope for your sister, that she’ll end up waiting at home for her husband to come home from a job that’s his entire life?”
“And is that how it has to be?”
“It’s how it’s always been, with every coach I’ve ever had. They’re either bachelors, divorced, or in marriages that from the outside look more like business partnerships that actual marriages. I swore I’d never put a woman through that, and I haven’t seen anything since then to change my mind.”
Ellie searched her mind for the words or the plan that would make this situation right, but nothing came to her. She had enough trouble keeping her own relationships from falling apart, and she had no particular talent for managing the love lives of others. Still, she knew in her heart that something needed to be said by someone.
“Maybe you can’t part as friends,” she said, “but Sarah is really hurting right now. If you have feelings for her – and I can see that you do – you won’t want to leave her like that.”
Brad nodded, slowly and deeply. “You’re right, Ellie. You’re right, and thank you for reminding me.”
She turned then and headed back to the bar. When she reached the door she looked back to where Brad was still standing. “Tell her that you love her, Brad. Just tell her. That won’t fix this, but it will make it better.” And with that she returned to the dark interior, where her sister sat contemplating her fourth mojito.
29
Brad was not a man to procrastinate, but packing his things was a task that he couldn’t ever seem to get started on. He didn’t have much – barely enough to fill a duffle bag – and he wasn’t particular about packing things up neat and tidy. Bundling them up and stuffing them into the bag would do him fine, and he knew that it would only take a few minutes to do. As it was, though, that was what kept him from doing it. Almost as soon as he started he’d be done, and then it all would be done – his time in Tall Pines, his … whatever it was with Sarah, everything. It would be done and behind him as he drove out of town, and he wasn’t ready for that quite yet. And so he puttered about, in the style that drove him crazy when he saw his father doing it. He cut and stacked firewood in a pile that already had plenty of wood in it. He rolled up a rug and carried it to the garage, before thinking better of it and carrying it back into the cabin. He was just beginning to consider whether he should vacuum the floor when his father intervened.
“What the hell you doing, boy?” John growled in a manner that was gruff even by his standards.
Brad looked at him sideways. “Trying to help with a few things before I go.”
John snorted. “Killing time is more like it. Used to be you couldn’t wait to get out of here. Now you don’t want to leave after all?”
Brad shook his head. “I want the job. It’s just what I was looking for. I just … it doesn’t feel right, leaving this way.”
“And what way is that?”
Brad pointed in the direction of Sarah’s cabin, as if the two of them were not indoors and could see her from where they were. “We didn’t exactly leave things on good terms.”
“No you didn’t,” John said as he eased himself into a rocking chair with a sigh. “And maybe that has something to do with the fact that you weren’t straight with that girl.”
“I was straight with her,” Brad protested.
“Were you?”
“I was. I just didn’t tell her right away about the job offer. But I was going to tell her.” Even to his own ears he sounded like a teenager making excuses for his bad behavior. “She knew I was going to leave town as soon as I got an offer. I was straight with her from the beginning about that.”
John gave him a skeptical look. “Did she react like a woman who knew what was coming?”
Brad had nothing to say to that. Instead he stuffed his hands in his pockets and looked at the toes of his boots, where they poked out from the frayed bottom of his jeans.
John wasn’t done with him yet. “So you haven’t left yet, which means you either have something to do or something to say. Which is it?”
Brad shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe both.”
John looked at him closely. “Are you leaving?”
“Yes.”
“No second thoughts?”
“Oh, lots. Plenty of them. But not enough to make me change my mind.”
John nodded. “Good. Because as big of a mess as you’ve made, the only way you can make it worse is to change your mind.”
Brad looked back at the toes of his boots, hoping that this lecture would be a short one, but his hopes were in vain.
“You’re leaving that girl because there’s something you need to be happy, something she can’t give you. And she’s not going with you because there’s something she needs to be happy, something you can’t give her. If she follows you into that life, or you follow her, you’ll end up hating each other without even knowing why. Better to part as friends than end up as enemies.”
Brad smiled despite himself. “Thank you, Dear Abbie. When did you become a relationship expert, anyway?”
John scowled at him. “I’ve been living a long time, and paying attention all the while. I’ve learned a few things that you could use, boy, so wipe that smirk off your face and listen for a change.”
Brad wasn’t smiling anymore. He gave his father a nod. “I know you’re right, Dad. But I don’t have to like it, do I?”
After a time John shook his head and looked away, rocking in his chair. “No, you don’t. There are things in life that you never have to like, and all you can do is find a way to keep getting out of bed in the morning. But you do need to treat that girl like a precious thing. She deserves nothing less than the very best you have.”
Brad nodded again, then turned and went out into the gathering night. He needed some time to himself, to gather his thoughts and say what needed to be said, but now thanks to his father he was back on the track of getting it done. Two hours later his duffle bag was packed and slung in the back of his jeep, and a packet of folded papers was in his hand as he said his goodbyes to his father.
The two of them hugged awkwardly but firmly. “You could wait for morning,” John said.
Brad shook his head. “No, I want to get a start. I’ll sleep on the road.”
John nodded. “You’re driving straight there?”
Brad knew what his father was actually asking. “I’m not going to stop to see her. I don’t think she wants to see me right now. But I have this for her.” With that he handed the packet over to his father. “Could you see that she gets it?”
His father looked at the packet in his hands for a long time, then he looked up at his son. “I’m going to do you a favor, boy.” And with that, he tore the packet into two.
Brad stared in horror at his father as the old man took the paper fragments and tore them again, into smaller and smaller pieces. “Some things can’t be written,” he said at last. “They have to be said.”
The two men stared at each other in silence. Inwardly Brad was wrestling with conflicting impulses, some that said he should take a swing at the old man, while others shouted for him to turn and drive away without a word. Finally, though, he arrived at the option that seemed the hardest of them all. He nodded. “I suppose you’re right about that.”
John stepped forward to hug him awkwardly. “It was good to have you around,” he said, in what Brad would have thought was a voice heavy with emotion if he didn’t know better.
“I’ll call you from the road,” he said, then slung the door open and got into the driver’s seat. The roar of the engine sounded good to him. It had the sound of his future coming closer. With a final wave, he pulled out from the driveway into the road and headed off in the direction of the highway. He had a stop to make first, though.
Sarah’s cabin was quiet. As he parked his jeep and walked up to the door, Brad wondered whether she was at home and asked himself what he was hoping for. Would it be better for her not to be there? Would that be the clean break he had wanted, or would it leave a chapter in his life that would never be finished? He had not yet made up his mind when he knocked on the door.
And then the door was open, and there Sarah was, looking small and vulnerable as she blinked against the sunlight, but still more beautiful than he had ever thought he would see. Brad’s heart gave a great thump in his chest, and he almost stepped forward to take her into his arms. But then he remembered that she hated him, and that he was there to say goodbye.
He cleared his throat. “I’m going now,” he began, wishing that he had taken some time to compose his speech. How could he come to such an important conversation without knowing what he was going to say? He tried to remember what he had written in that note that his father had destroyed, but the words were gone now. His mind was a blank, and Sarah was staring at him with what looked like a combination of anger and confusion.
“OK,” she said, and held onto the door as if ready to close it.
“I wanted to say some things before I left,” he said, more to prevent her from shutting him out than because he knew what to say. “First, that I’m sorry about how everything went down. I thought I had planned out everything just so, but I didn’t plan that, and it went exactly the opposite of how I’d like. You deserve better than that, and I’ll always be sorry that I handled it that way.”
Sarah’s eyes dropped, then they came back up to meet his. “OK. Thanks. You’re right, I deserved better, but I appreciate you saying so.”
Brad felt somewhat relieved. That was a better reception than he’d been expecting. It gave him courage to go on. “I also want you to know, this wasn’t just a thing. You and me. I didn’t think of you as a fling. When I was with you I was happy.” He had more to say, but those words made the others catch in his throat, so he let it go while he waited on Sarah’s response.
At first it seemed that she swayed a little bit, as if his words were heavy things and she struggled to contain them, but then she recovered. “I was happy, too” she said at last. The past tense was not lost on Brad.
“There are some things in life that I never want to forget,” he forged on. “Like the first time I played in a college game, and the roar of the crowd when I ran out with the defense. The day I was drafted. The day I knew I had made the team, and would be playing pro ball for real. I’ve seen some things that made me feel so alive, and I keep them close. Hold onto them. You’re there too, Sarah. We weren’t together for long, but the days we had together were better than good. I understand if you hate me, but I want to remember what we had. I want to keep that forever.”
Then she did sway, and he could see her eyes misting up. “I want to keep it, too,” she whispered, and then she was in his arms, and Brad could feel hot tears in his eyes as well. He hugged her close while she cried, and he kissed the top of her head. Then, too soon, it was done and it was time for him to go.
He kissed her head one more time, gave her a squeeze, and gave her a sad smile. “Goodbye, Sarah. I hope you get everything you want.”
Sarah wiped a tear from her eye, then crossed her arms across her chest as if in protection against a cold and uncaring world. “You too, Brad. I hope you live out your dreams, and that they’re everything you want and need.”
Mutely he nodded, then there was nothing left in him to say. He turned, walked to his jeep, and started the motor. Sarah was still watching him from the front step. He gave her a wave, then pulled the jeep onto the street and headed toward the freeway on-ramp. There was a heavy weight of sadness in his chest at the knowledge that he had probably seen her for the last time, but he was beginning to feel excitement, too. Come what may, he knew that he would always look back on these few weeks as among the best in his life. Who would have thought that his life could get better when his football career was over?
When he came to the freeway on-ramp and accelerated to the east, Brad raised one hand in the air to wave goodbye – to Sarah, to his father, and to a time in Tall Pines that he knew he would always cherish.
30
A football field in the offseason was a strange and unearthly place in a way that Brad had never really noticed when he was a player. The grass of the field was immaculate, as always – greener than green and perfectly trimmed, with none of the bare patches or outcroppings of weeds that would have made it look like a natural thing. And then there were the stands that lifted up like two enormous, gray wings on either side. When they were full of fans, they were bursting with color and life and energy. Empty like this, though, it was a little disconcerting, like it would be to wander through a major city center when all the people had been evacuated.