Cadence Reflection (Wheels & Hogs Book 2) (13 page)

I start shaking as tears run down my cheeks.  I could have lost my baby before it was even born because I was too afraid to stand up to the sadistic bastard.

I jump as someone knocks on the bathroom door, “Baby, you okay in there?” Cadence asks tentatively. I’m so overcome with emotion that I can’t even find my voice to answer him back.

After a couple of minutes, he tries again, “Trinity, please tell me that you’re okay.  If you don’t answer me, I’m coming in, babe.” 

I try to get the words out but it feels like my jaw is locked shut.  I can feel his impatience as he starts to mutter under his breath, and then I watch, as if in slow motion as the bathroom door starts to open and by the time I see his face, I’m an absolute wreck and begin crying so loudly that I don’t even hear anyone coming into the bathroom. I’m so lost in my mess that I don’t realize that Cadence has picked me up and carried me to the bed.

“Baby, whatever it is, it’s going to be okay.  I can’t leave you in the shitter for five minutes alone, can I? Cadence’s choice of words for the bathroom brings me out of my head and forces me to giggle, followed by a very loud snort. 

Taking both hands, I put them into my shirt and up to my face to wipe the tears and snot from my cheeks while all three men, along with Fern, watch quietly as I try to pull myself together.

The doorbell rings, scaring the shit out of everyone and Wolf leaves to check it out.  Minutes later, he returns with Des behind him, worry apparent in his eyes.

Glancing around the room, I take everyone in and feel the need to say to all of them, “I am so sorry to be such a burden on all of you.  It finally hit me in the bathroom that if you didn’t get me out of that trailer last night that my dad would have probably killed my baby and me.  It was so stupid of me to not reach out to you, Des, or even you, Cadence, for help. I should have called the police, but after no one bothered to help me when I reached out before, and with his friends, I didn’t feel like I had any other choice but to accept it until I could find a permanent way out.”

The feeling in the room is suddenly awkward as Doc, Fern and Des tense while Wolf glances in Cadence’s direction. When I look his way, I’m shocked to see that he’s crying. I immediately look toward the three other men in the room to see uncertainty in their expressions.  Fern actually turns and leaves the room, her shoulders hunched over as if in defeat.

A throat clears and I move my gaze back to Cadence, “Baby, do you mind if I sit next to you? I need to tell you something?”

“Do you want us to leave, Cadence?” asks Doc.

Cadence shakes his head no, telling Doc, “You might as well hear what I have to say. It’s been a long time coming Doc, and you know most of it anyway. Please guys, if you don’t mind having a seat. I have something to share with Trinity and it should be shared with you. Shame and pride have kept me from letting you all in, but it’s time for me to let this shit go, or at least start the process. I want that to begin with all of you, my family.”

Everyone finds a place in the room to sit, ready to hear what it is that Cadence has to say. We give him time to think of what he is about to say while he sits next to me, gripping my hand like it’s an anchor. He’s nervous so I close my fingers around his hand, letting him know that I’m here, “We’re all here for you, and no matter what you tell us, we won’t judge you. Look at what you know now regarding my situation. Nothing could be as bad as that, can it?” 

“Trinity, first and foremost, I owe you an apology for how this all turned out.  I was a total asshole to you, but I never intended to take advantage of you or treat you the way that I did. I’m not going to use my past as an excuse, but since that time in my life, I’ve tried to escape my nightmares and insecurities by using sex as a way to avoid what truly bothered me.  Never in all these years have I sat down and truly dealt with what had happened to me, and because of that, my selfishness and lack of dealing with the situation caused you to suffer. I never intended to hurt or humiliate you, Trinity. I really wanted to, for the first time in my life, begin a real, meaningful relationship with you, but that day I just freaked out and dealt with you the only way I knew how, and that was by acting like I didn’t give a shit.”

I watch Cadence look to Doc who gives him a nod of support to continue, “You need to know this, Trinity, because you’re not alone.  I know exactly how you feel in regards to being abused and suffering at the hands of your dad because –” he clears his throat and looks down at his feet, “When I was a kid, I never thought bad things could ever happen to my family until my old man took off one day, never to return. To this day, I have no idea why.  I was probably five while Griffin, my baby brother, was two years old. Ryker, my older brother, was eight.  After Dad left, it was a struggle for all of us, my mom especially, but we always pushed forward. After a couple of years, mom started dating. Some we liked, while others, not so much.  One day mom came home with this bear of a man and tells us boys that the two of them were getting married and that he would be our new dad.  None of us were happy with her choice, as we all, at one time or another, had run-ins with Duke, but we wanted our mom to be happy so we tried really hard to make it work for Mom’s sake.

There were bumps in the road in the beginning, but everyone was trying, then Duke lost his job and spent his days on the couch, drinking, while Mom worked two jobs to make ends meet. Ryker even got a paper route to help out, and still Duke did nothing but drink beer and hang out with his not-so-friendly friends.

I started to see a difference in my mom first. She was always affectionate, always hugging and kissing us, always showing her love for us, but then she started to distance herself from us, her kids. She stopped being affectionate and when she tried, it wasn’t with the same love she always showed. Funny how a kid would notice that, but being that we had it for so long, once it’s being taken away, you miss it.

She started to wear long sleeved tops, even when it was warm out. Once Griffin was goofing around and turned, grabbing Mom’s arm and she let out a scream. Ryker pushed her sleeve up to reveal some really huge bruises up and down her arm.  When we asked her what happened, she told us she fell into the wall vacuuming, or some shit. Then Griffin started acting strange.  He withdrew from Ryker, Mom and me completely and was always hanging with Duke, day in and day out. They would spend hours in Griffin’s room, always while Mom was at work. When we said something to her about it, she confronted them, but they both said they were just finding things to do together as father and son. One day after Ryker and I got home from school, earlier than usual, we heard Griffin crying, screaming and begging for something to stop.  We ran down the hall and found Duke raping my little brother. I will never forget that sight of my brother being held down by a man twice his size, being forced to endure something so vile and disgusting by a man who was nothing but a sick motherfucker. By this time Ryker was a teenager. He was built since he was lifting weights so he got Duke off of Grif and beat the shit out of Duke. 

Everything seemed to happen so fast from there. By the time my mom got home, the cops and an ambulance were there. I have no idea who called them. Grif was in pretty bad shape. Apparently it had been going on for a while, and do you want to know why he didn’t tell anyone?  Duke threated to do it to us, so Grif thought he could take it and no one else would have to get hurt like him.

Duke was gone. Cops were looking for him and we filed charges, but that was all we could do. We thought that that would be the last we would ever hear from him so we moved on, trying to find our way back to some kind of normal for us, especially Griffin. It took him some time to heal, not only physically, but also mentally.  Mom even took him to talk to a counselor so he could get it out and after about ten months, everything was going good. Mom was getting back to her old self while Griffin was slowly coming back around. It was a really rough year for him with all the psychological shit going on in his mind, but he was coming back to us. Then in one day, things changed us again, but this time for Ryker.

Grif, mom and I were playing some board game or cards in the kitchen when we heard noises from the wooded area out behind our backyard.  We all rushed out to find Ryker beaten to a pulp.”

I take in a shocked breath, looking to see that everyone in the room is staring at Cadence with tears in their eyes. 

“Ryker told us that Duke did it as payback for Ryker kicking his ass, but Duke wasn’t alone or Ryker wouldn’t have had a problem fighting him off. Duke was a bear, but he was weak. The thing that we all knew, but Ryker would never say, was that Duke raped him that day. This put our family back to square one, always looking over our shoulders, bringing back past pain and new pain as well. Ryker was never the same, so a few months after it happened, he turned eighteen and immediately joined the service − The Marines. It was his only way to deal with what happened. Ryker told us on the day he shipped out that no one would ever hurt him again. Mom got a restraining order and for a while we were very careful, but after a few more years, time went on and we let our guards down, and I became his next target. 

I don’t know how it happened, but Duke kidnapped me. I was at a bar with a friend drinking one night, and the next thing I remember was waking up in some shitty cabin out in the middle of nowhere, tied to a bedframe where he beat me for days, making me too weak to even get away if I had the chance. There were a few times that he would leave for a day or two, leaving me with no food or water. He kept me cuffed and bleeding to that bed until one day he came back, finally making his move.” 

Wolf leaves then returns with beers and a glass of water for me and passes them out to everyone. Cadence takes a deep breath, reaches for his beer and finishes it off quickly. 

“So Trinity, I kind of know how you feel because that night changed my life, and I have never been the same since.  I was seventeen when Duke raped me. He raped me repeatedly until I passed out from the pain.  I woke to more of the same and don’t remember much except that there were times I asked – I begged him for death. He obviously didn’t give me that, but he did much worse. He brought in his friends, and along with Duke, they all did things to me – made me do things that were so beyond fucked up.”

He wipes his eyes but he continues. I can see that he’s trying to get it out as fast as he can because he may not finish if he has a chance to break down.

“What has fucked with me more than anything since that time is that through all the sick ass shit that happened in that room, my body liked it.  They worked me and worked me until they made me cum, then I would cum again, and again. How the fuck could my own body betray me that way?”

The disgust in his voice pulls me from my thoughts. I feel what he’s feeling right now. I know what he means, so I squeeze his shoulder to get his attention, “You’re wrong, Cadence. That was just a body function reacting to stimulation.  We may not have wanted it, but it’s normal and that’s the truth. There were times when I was being abused that my body reacted due to the fact that my dad made it his mission to learn how to make me respond. Not me, but my body. He took a sadistic pleasure in knowing that he was making my body react to him, even though my mind was shut down and somewhere else. Don’t you dare feel wrong or sick about it. You never stood a chance against a pack of rabid degenerates who were making it their mission to do that to you.” 

Wolf stands and walks to Cadence and tells him, “Listen to the little one, Cadence. She is right.  No matter what, you had no control over what happened to you and you should never hold your head in shame because you have nothing to be ashamed of. Those men will face their punishment one way or another, as I truly believe that what goes around, comes around eventually. Everyone here is your family and there is nothing you could say or do that could ever change that. Don’t you ever forget it.” Cadence grabs Wolf’s hand off his shoulder and gives it a fist bump. 

Then turning to me, he finishes up, “We have each suffered torture and abuse throughout our lives by men that don’t deserve to breathe the same air as we do, but it is on us, individually, to make the most out of our lives and not let our abusers win.  Please, Trinity. We can be one another’s support. Besides Doc, Fern, and parts to a counselor, I have never told anyone the story of my past. Des found me and still I never told him this story until tonight.”

Des looks like he could strip paint off the wall with his bare hands. The quiet in the room is overwhelming until Doc suggests, “That’s enough for tonight. Everyone needs to get some rest, especially Trinity.” He then gets up, heading toward the door, “I’m a phone call away if you need me. I’ve got to get Fern home.” 

Wolf begins to pick up the empty bottles and glasses. Des approaches Cadence, reaching out and pulling him in tight, “I am so proud of you for what you did tonight.  Never forget how strong you really are. You are a survivor,” Cadence lets out a long breath and softly thanks Des.  Des looks at me and then back at Cadence, “You both need to get some sleep. You know where I am if either of you need anything.” Turning, he walks out of the room behind Wolf, softly shutting the door behind him.

I know that Cadence is aware of me staring up at him but he can’t seem to look at me.  Finally, I bump his shoulder, asking him if he would spend the night with me. Looking shocked to his core, I explain what I’m asking, “I have been having really bad nightmares and when I wake up, it still feels like a nightmare. After what you just shared with everyone tonight, for my benefit, I figured we could comfort each other.  No hanky panky, Cadence, and I mean that. I don’t want to hate you or be mad at you because no matter how bad you treated me, we were friends before all of this, so why don’t we try going back to that, before we did the ‘
nasty
.’”

Cadence lets out a giggle, “I still have nightmares too, Trinity. I would like to stay with you very much.”

I feel a weight lift. I don’t want to hold on to this bitterness and resentment toward Cadence. I want us to be able to find a commonality between us so that we can raise this baby together without unnecessary baggage. We need to get in a good space with each other for the sake of our baby.