Carla Kelly (17 page)

“
Dear
God,” Omega said, and swallowed.

“
Her
face was practically transparent, drained of all blood, but
everywhere else was covered with blood. The sheets, the floor. We
were both awash in it. The room stank of blood. It was the worst
nightmare you could imagine, except I was not dreaming.”

“
What
of ... the others?” Omega’s voice sounded far away to her own ears.
Her heart was pounding so loud she put her hand to her chest to
quiet it.

“
There
was only Rotherford. He told me the others had fled. He alone
remained. He assured me that he would get me out of the mess.
Promised that no one would ever hear of it. My secret was safe with
him.”

Matthew closed
the window and pulled two blankets from the chest at the foot of
the bed. He covered her with one of them and wrapped the other
around himself and sat down in the chair again. “I had time to
bathe and dress and show up at St. Alphonse.”

“
Oh,
Matthew.” Omega reached for him again, but he would not let her
touch him.

“
I
rode past St. Alphonse in a rented hack. Everyone was already
inside, waiting for you to walk down the aisle. I tried to go in,
but I fled. I kept going until I was home in
Shropshire.”

A heavy silence
seeped between them. I must say something, thought Omega. I must
continue this until it is done.

“
Why
did you not write to me later, or communicate somehow? Couldn’t you
imagine my distress?”

He winced at that
and settled the blanket high on his shoulders. “I was so ashamed,
so utterly devastated. Someone had died because of me. Someone no
one would ever miss, someone so expendable. Someone my name would
never be connected to. Her life was ... so cheap, and I was afraid
I had ended it.”

“
Your
friends?” she asked in the stillness. “What of your
friends?”

“
One
of them wrote to me. I did not answer. Another came to Shropshire.
I refused to see him. The third rejoined his troops immediately.
The only one I ever saw again was my brother-in-law. Even he seemed
happy enough not to mention the workings of that
evening.”

“
But
that poor child!”

He laughed but
there was no mirth, and the sound drilled into her brain like an
awl. “You have said it, Omega. She was poor, and she was a child.”
He clapped his hands together in frustration, and she jumped. “Did
you never look about you in London? In Plymouth? It is not we
wealthy men who ever suffer. No, Omega, we were all of us glad
enough to overlook the doings of that night. God damn
us.”

The rain stopped.
Somewhere far below in the house a door opened and then closed.
Morning was coming. Soon the servants would be about. Omega’s ankle
throbbed but she said nothing, unable to bring herself to interfere
with his train of thought. She dreaded what he was saying, but she
had to hear it, and he had to tell it.

“
I
thought later of writing to you, I really did. Then I began to
reason that you would be better off with someone else. Surely there
could be no lack of suitors. Your life would go on.” He sighed.
“Imagine my further dismay when I learned that your father had
killed himself over his reverses on the Exchange. I knew then that
you would not have a pleasant time of it, after all. But it was too
late for me to make any amends. Not only had I ruined two lives; I
had ruined yours too, and that was unforgivable.”

Dawn was lighting
the sky outside now, and she could see his face. He looked old and
tired, the fine lines around his mouth and eyes more deeply etched,
his eyes as hopeless as Jamie’s. He would not allow her to touch
him.

“
I’m
not done yet, Omega,” he said, his mouth twisting into a caricature
of a smile. “I told you it gets worse. I thought long and hard
about seeing you, but I did something unforgivably stupid instead.
I procured myself another whore and tried again. And failed again.
And again. After that, I tried no more. The next two years were
spent deep in my father’s wine cellar. I have been through some
very good years, Omega, down-cellar in Shropshire.”

He leaned forward
suddenly and wiped her face with his fingers. She hadn’t realized
that she was crying. His fingers were so cold.

“
So
you see, my dear, even if we had found a way to overcome the simple
matter of a brutal murder—excuse my sarcasm ... I can only almost
bear it when I am sarcastic—we still could not have made much of a
marriage, considering my inability.”

He stood up and
went back to the window, the blanket tight around him. “And that
was what I wanted to tell you. Have you ever known a greater
sinner?”

She couldn’t help
herself. The tears streamed down her face. She tried to stifle her
sobs, but it was useless. She sank lower on the pillow and cried
into the blanket.

Matthew stood
with bowed head by the window. He opened it again and breathed
deeply of the fragrance that the breeze of morning was bringing up
from the flower garden below. He closed the window again and
stumbled like an old man to the door, the blanket still tight
around his shoulders.

“
I’ll
leave now, my dear.” He looked at her. “I suppose you have been
frightfully compromised by my presence in your room all night. I
might add that you have probably never been in less danger from any
man.”

He opened the
door. “Good night, Omega, or good morning. There’s more to tell
you, and it touches on Jamie. Perhaps if we ever feel up to it
...”

He closed the
door quietly behind him, not looking back.

Omega cried in
earnest until her pillow was soggy, and then she turned it over and
tried to sleep. It was day now, the air cool and smelling fresh
after the long rain. The birds that had been silent yesterday made
up for the lack, and right under her window, too, singing,
quarreling, and shrieking at each other until she wanted to throw
something.

Her ankle ached
amazingly. It hurt so badly that no amount of discipline that Miss
Chartley possessed could convince her to fling back the covers and
have a look at it.
If my leg is turning black, with shooting red
streaks
, she told herself grimly,
there is not a single
reason in the world for me to watch it happen
.

Her mind could
dwell on nothing but the pain, and the anguish of Matthew Bering’s
disclosure. Somehow she knew that when all this was over, as
everything must end eventually, she would always associate the
two.

Omega wished he
would come back into the room, wished that he felt like talking
more, and she like listening. That he had made a shocking mull of a
terrible situation was not lost on her.
And what would I have
done in a similar circumstance?
she asked herself as she
gritted her teeth and tried to find a comfortable position.
Had
I been Matthew Bering, could I have faced me?

She concluded
that she could not. How could anyone have dropped such a disclosure
into an eighteen-year-old’s lap? The thought brought the only
comfort available to her.

There was a
scratching at the door. Two heads peeked in.

“
Oh,
come in,” Omega said gratefully.

Angela and Jamie
entered the room, Jamie edging along the wall, half-dreading
another scold from her, and Angela eyeing her with worry of another
kind. She came close to the bed.

“
Lord
Byford said we were under no circumstances to bother you. But ...
but he doesn’t understand!” Angela’s eyes filled with
tears.

In her surprise,
Omega forgot her own hurt for a moment. She put out her hand and
drew the little girl closer. “Why, Angela, what is the
matter?”

Angela knelt down
and rested her head on the bed, her voice muffled. “He doesn’t know
what it’s like to wait outside a hospital and wait and wait and
then be told it’s too late or told to run along and not bother the
wounded.”

Without a word,
Omega rested her hand on Angela’s hair, smoothing it back from her
face. “No, he doesn’t understand, my dear. I’m glad you came to see
for yourself.” She managed a smile for Angela’s benefit. “I’ll be
fine in a few days.” She put her fingers to her lips, kissed them,
and touched Angela on the cheek. “And that’s all you needed to
know, wasn’t it?”

Angela
nodded.

It was Jamie’s
turn. “Omega, I’m sorry for the trouble I caused. It’s my fault,
isn’t it?”

She held out her
hand and he came closer, standing beside Angela. “It’s no one’s
fault but my own that I was clumsy. Don’t be a goose, Jamie. Come
here, you scamp, and give me a kiss.” He laughed and did as she
said. “Now, my dears, I would recommend that you hurry belowstairs
and see how very helpful you can be today. Lord Byford is not
precisely ...”

Angela’s eyes
opened wide. “Oh, miss. I’ve never seen anyone with such a case of
the megrims! And all because Jamie was such a
fulano!
”

Omega considered.
Perhaps there would be no harm in prevarication. No good would be
served for the children to have even an inkling of Matthew’s agony.
“Jamie, Angela. Lord Byford is not used to having children in his
house. I am sure he will come around. Now, run belowstairs before
you find yourself in trouble.”

“
It is
already too late,” came a voice from the doorway. “Omega, you know
you should not encourage these graceless beggars.”

His voice was
light, but there was nothing light about Matthew’s demeanor. Omega
had to admit that he looked better today than yesterday; his
blacked eye was open now, and the bump on his nose scarcely
noticeable. It was the lack of expression in his face that was so
disconcerting. Upon hearing Matthew’s voice, Jamie shrank back
against the wall again, watching his uncle’s every move.

Matthew noticed
Jamie’s fright. He knelt by him with that wonderful instinct of his
that Omega so delighted in. Jamie drew away, closer to
Omega.

Matthew put out
his hand slowly, as if he were trying to touch a skittish colt.
“Jamie, Jamie, if we are to rub along together in this household,
there is something you must know. It is something that will never
change.”

Jamie was too
terrified to raise his eyes to his uncle. He continued his minute
examination of the grain in the wooden floor until Matthew slowly
reached out his hand, raised the boy’s chin, and forced him to look
in his uncle’s eyes.

“
Jamie
Clevenden, I will never strike you. I do not hold with beating
children, no matter what the provocation. I mean what I say. It is
more than a promise, Jamie; it is a covenant.” He rested the back
of his hand against Jamie’s cheek for a second. “Now, run along.
Tildy is waiting downstairs to take your measurements.
Yours
,
too, Angela. I
can’t have such ragged children in my household. How on earth am I
to puff up my consequence in Byford if you look like workhouse
brats?”

Jamie smiled
then, and took Angela’s hand. “Let us hurry! Do you think the cook
will teach me some French words? Papa used to say some, and Mama
would scold him.”

“
Jamie, let me warn you, I have no objection whatsoever to soap
applied to the mouth,” said Lord Byford.

Jamie laughed and
tugged Angela out of the room with him.

Matthew waited
until the children were gone. “I was afraid they would be bothering
you, Omega.” He came to the foot of the bed. “But see here, you
look hagged.”

Without a word,
he took the blanket off her foot and stood another long minute
looking at it. “I’ve already summoned the doctor, Omega. I’ll be
gone with Angela on our errand as soon as he arrives. There is a
fair nearby in Templeton, and Tildy informs me I can find
secondhand clothing for children.”

He left her alone
then. Omega lay back and stared at the ceiling, biting her lip to
keep the tears back. He hadn’t once looked her in the
eye.

The minutes
shuffled by like hours. Omega was ready to gnaw her knuckles
against the pain when Matthew returned with the doctor. He ushered
the man in, but did not leave the doorway. “I’ll be off now,
Omega.”

Omega pulled
herself upright. “Matthew, don’t you dare leave me!” she cried, and
then looked at the doctor in embarrassment. “Can’t you just ...
can’t you just hold my hand again?”

The doctor looked
from one to the other, and then discovered a fascination with the
beech tree outside the bedroom window, strolling over to it and
gazing at each leaf in turn. When the doctor’s back was turned,
Matthew knelt by the bed. “You ... you truly want me here? After
everything I have told you?”

“
Oh,
shut up!” she whispered back fiercely, clutching for his hand. “You
cannot fathom how doctors terrify me! How am I to bear it if you
are not here?”

The doctor did
not turn around, but he seemed to have taken his mind from things
arboreal. “May I be so bold as to suggest, my lord, that you do as
the lady wishes? I, for one, never argue with women.”

Without a word to
either of them, Matthew pulled the chair nearer and laced his
fingers through hers.