Authors: Janice Hadden
“
Past?”
what about what I’m doing to you now? Being here with you,
meddling in your life?”
“
I
have free will too and I choose to be...with you,” the last
words were hard for me say. But I found the courage to finally admit
to him that I wanted him—I wanted him more than any reasons he
had given me and more than what I wanted to feel.
“
It’s
not just up to you, so you don’t have to feel guilty.”
“
But,
I am guilty. Don’t you see. I’m a fallen, an outcast of
everything that is good…of everything that you are, and
everything that you could be,” his eyes, too intense that I
automatically shivered.
“
I
want to do what’s right…and what’s right is not as
easy as leaving any longer. I need you to be who you are…to be
good…to be safe…to live your life before all these.”
A
sudden pain welled up in my heart and tears dropped from my eyes. I
wiped my cheek dry. He soon joined my hand with his, and kissed my
wet palm. “Please don’t cry.”
“
How
can I not…when I feel like you’re saying goodbye.”
“
I’m
not leaving…yet…until I make everything right…until
you‘re safe.”
He
extended his hand. I took it before he led us on a large mossy rock
to sit. His actions seemed conflicted. He was silent for a while.
“
How
did you fall out of heaven?” I whispered without emotion. I
couldn’t afford to
scare
him away—not before he tells me everything and not before I
know that he wouldn’t leave for good. He sighed, looking away.
“I can’t explain everything now,”
his
face low.
“
But
I need you to be careful and not go with anyone right now, not even
Josh. I know that’s selfish of me to ask. I really have no
right.” There was a look of certainty in his eyes.
“
You
have to trust me. I know that’s a lot to ask. I have to go for
a while…but I will come back.”
Noooo!.
my
thoughts of protest only a whisper in my mind. I couldn’t seem
to find
the
will to say it out loud. There was a hush of silence in his stare. As
if somehow, only his mind spoke to mine, convincing me to heed his
warning and do what he had asked. It was all too much for me. I still
didn’t understand, but I didn’t resist, his thoughts were
clear in my head. I couldn’t argue my own obedience.
As
soon as he saw my willingness, he kissed my forehead good-bye. I
couldn’t move. He left as fast as he got there. He disappeared
in lightning speed. His shadow only left the bitter cold. Even his
voice, dropped dead to silence.
Suddenly,
I was alone again.
I
exhausted everything in me to find the words to define the feelings
and emotions that flooded through me at that moment, but none came to
claim the overwhelming emotions I felt and the knowledge of this one
very significant truth; Tristan wasn’t human, and what that
meant—I still wasn’t entirely sure.
Truth
o
r
Consequence
R
ays
of light sliced numerous times and a massive roar gave way to the
loud thunder as hail shot from the dark sky. I could hear the loud
clanking in the roof as well as my loud breathing.
I
scanned my room, still feeling too overwhelmed by everything that's
happened. I woke up yesterday morning, feeling utterly lost about my
broken heart. Now, that’s all yanked away to something
unrecognizable—something bigger than I had ever faced before or
ever imagined.
It
had made sense when I was with Tristan, to think and lean towards the
side of rational, the side where he was all good—a fallen
angel, who was cast down to earth as punishment and somehow changed.
Now that I am alone, It was hard to wrap my mind on all the things
that I couldn’t easily comprehend—the reality that I’ve
always known, the idea of anything that altered that, and the
truth
to the true nature of his fall, felt overwhelmingly heavy in my
chest.
'But
I am guilty. Don’t you see. I’m a fallen, an outcast of
everything that is good…of everything that you could be.’
His words haunted me, repeating in an endless echo of an eternity of
his pain. It wasn’t until in that instant, when I thought about
how I really felt about him, that I started to think about what I
needed to do—what I must do.
A
s
minutes turned to hours, and hours turned into days, with each
passing moment, the anxiety in me grew relentless. Finally, Tristan
had opened up about who he was. A hundred questions still ravaged my
mind, but nothing mattered more than seeing him again.
What
if he was hurt? What if he never came back? What if…?
M
y
thoughts were tangled between an overflow of many different emotions.
A thousand possibilities spun through my subconscious, but the same
dark ending lied behind the curtain of darkness. I had gone to class
and work for the last four days and I have not heard from him. It
felt like a dim eternity was staring me in the face, taunting at me
every second.
My
previous instincts of anger, fear and frustration, now felt shallow
and bleak in comparison to my dying need for him to be safe and to be
with him at this moment. My heart burned in yearning.
Would
my agony end? Would the time come when I would gaze at his glorious
face again?
The
answer was silence.
The
thought of losing him grips me with fear, because I knew if he never
came back, I will never be the same. I swept my eyes at the window
and raked the wet streets and the same line of trees again and again.
I glanced through the same window in the living room at least a
hundred times—but there was no sign of him.
The
torrent of rain came down in sheets. The menacing relentless rain did
not ease its hostility, making the windows hazy. I couldn’t see
anything at all, except for the continued bright lights that always
ended in a massive roar.
As
the anxiety in my heart grew relentless, I couldn’t help but
feel that the bad
weather
was a clear sign of something terribly wrong. Tristan should have
been back by now and not hearing from him made me draw the worst of
my conclusions.
F
inally
the doorbell rang. Jolting my almost numb body from where I sat, I
sprung quickly, unwilling to wait another second longer. I sprinted
to the door, faster than I thought possible, yanking the door open
before I could peep through the hole to check who it was.
After
many days of restless waiting of what seemed like eternity and while
my mind wracked my brains out to the point of exhaustion, the thought
of him, being here—alive, sent a surge of adrenaline within
me—pulsing me to life.
Flinging
the door open, I immediately saw his perfect posture standing right
outside my door. I gasped at the sight; his dark hair—soaking
wet, the contour of his face—so angelic, took my breath away.
His wet clothes clung to him, unwilling to let him go, and without
the slightest hint of hesitation, I found myself mimicking the fabric
that embraced him.
I
immediately locked my arms around him, unable to contain my emotion
any longer. I felt a sudden blanket of comfort. “You came
back.” I tripped over my words. My inability to control my
actions gave me away. I sobbed uncontrollably, like a whimpering
child. A thought slightly crossed my mind that I was being overly
dramatic and that this kind of behavior is the kind of thing that
would probably drive him away. But I didn’t care. I buried my
face into his chest.
As
soon as I felt his
skin
against mine, my
heart felt full. As much as I still feared him in some way, I felt an
overwhelming relief. I didn’t care how I looked in front of
him. The worst of my fears had just came true in my mind. And nothing
can change the fact, the absolute fact that…I love him—not
even, Tristan.
“
I’m…okay,”
he said reassuringly. He locked his arms around me as I tightened my
grip on him—my voice in broken sobs. His body wrapped me in a
courage of comfort. I never wanted to let him go. But I had to pull
away. I needed answers. I detached myself so that I could see his
expression. Slowly, I glanced up, as he gently brushed the wet stream
from under my eyes, caressing my face with his warm fingers.
“
I’m
so sorry, I shouldn’t have worried you,” his eyes still
glowing.
“
Why
couldn’t you call? my voice a whimper. I bit my lip in
distress, feeling the uncertainty growing in me. I wasn’t sure
what I was going to find out. My stomach clenched tight.
“
Where
have you been?” my tone was tense. I knew I had no right to
demand nor really have a sense of claim on him. But the past four
days had clued me in to how
my
life would have been like without him. Without saying a word, he took
my hand firmly as we glided to the living room. His warm fingers
laced mine—a sudden string of fear suffocated me. He sat and I
followed him, still holding my hand. Then, his eyes locked into mine.
I suddenly felt a nerve wracking feeling in the pit of my stomach
rising cautiously. He looked serious. Too serious. I gulped
nervously.
“
I
was doing some spying and negotiating and it took some time.”
The
almost casual tone in his voice confused me. Horror rushed over my
mind, increasing in intensity as the emotion mirrored itself on my
face. All relief had left me, finally dawning that what he’d
been up to was what I had previously thought—dangerous.
Shock
shot up through my veins, paralyzing me for a brief second, before
questions spewed out of my quivering lips.
“
Spying?
Negotiating?” I tried to steady my voice. But my worried tone
sounded
harsher
than I had intended. The sudden relief of his return vanished,
replaced with absolute terror.
“
I
wanted to make sure you were safe and I used my high position to make
sure that you stayed safe.” His voice was stern—almost
indignant. I almost felt convinced, but the threat in my life was the
only thing I could wrap my mind on.
“
What?…who’s
trying to kill me and why?” I demanded. My ears burned like
fever. I felt the burning heat descending, brushing all over to every
single nerve ending in my body, making me weak with horror.
“
I
can’t tell you the details...at least not right now.”
“
What?…why
not?”
“
It’s
part of the negotiation.” He stated.
“
I.
don’t. understand? You need to tell me everything,” I
pressed.
But
my indignation fell short, sounding weaker at the terror I was
hearing.
“
Please…Katheryna…I
want to protect you and this is the only way I know…my hands
are tied…all you need to know is that you’re safe and I
made sure of that. In return, I have to keep you in the dark,”
he pleaded.
“
I‘m
so sorry…If there‘s anything else I could do, I would do
it…I would do anything...anything to protect you,” his
words were agonized.
He
held me close to him and kissed my forehead. “You’re
safe, that’s all that matters,” he murmured. I Felt a
brush of comfort under his touch, but it wasn’t enough. I
simply wanted more…to know with absolute certainty that I was
safe—that we both were.
We
were both quiet for a moment. I didn’t force the subject. I
knew he’d only been trying to protect me, but I couldn’t
be certain how long I could live with the idea of being in the dark
yet again. I yanked the simmering panic in the pit of my stomach—the
anxiety that was rising from within, and replaced it with the comfort
I have in front of me.
Right
now, the only thing I cared about is that Tristan was back and
everything else can wait. I suddenly found myself curled in the
curves of his body, feeling the warmth of comfort radiating from his
physical touch.
I
stayed in his arms longer than I should have, unable to move from the
pull of security that blanketed all of me. I didn’t shiver at
the wet clothes that soaked me, his body was warm to the touch, a
little warmer than mine. But still, he detached himself from holding
me.
Standing
up, he carefully took off his shirt, revealing the physical
perfection that no human could ever possess. My mind didn’t
linger on that thought. I suddenly noticed something on his upper
back—a tattoo perhaps.