Authors: Janice Hadden
I
tipped my glass and sipped the ice cold soda. I started humming to
the beat of the music, feeling somehow relaxed, when Jeremy had
gotten there. Becca jumped off her seat and curled both her arms
around his neck ecstatically. They both turned to look at me.
“
Hi,
Katheryna. Glad you could come,” Jeremy yelled. The noise was
so loud, I decided not to overpower the sound and nodded instead.
Jeremy wore a long sleeve shirt and dark pants. As Jeremy was yanking
Becca to the dance floor, she whispered in my ear.
“
I’ll
be right back.”
“
Have
fun. I‘m okay,” I yelled.
I
raked the room. The room had a decent amount of people. The lights on
the dance floor were intense and electric. My vision and hearing were
continually adjusting to the flickering lights, loud noise and the
crowd.
I
twisted myself to get another sip of my drink and continued to scan
my surrounding; the bar was elongated into what looked like an etched
glass piano, the booths were covered in rich fabrics tufted in large
industrial nails. There were large art deco pieces, massive rock star
paintings and electric guitars on the stone walls. The room was
edgy—steel,
glass, stone—
very
hard
rock.
Barely
a second passed, when something unexpected made me jump from where I
sat. Though, the alternating lights were blinding, and I could barely
make out a few shapes from a distance, but across from where I sat, a
silhouette that I was sure I could pick out from the darkest
lighting, emerged from my peripheral vision. I held my breathing. My
eyes focused sharply, adjusting with clarity to someone unexpected.
Tristan
.
I
gasped and pressed my lips together, feeling the heat creeping
through every inch of me. An outpour of distinct emotions
followed—crashing into me.
Burning
Pain. Anger. Love. They all came rushing like a landslide and not one
was greater or less than the other. Although, the latter seemed to
have been the reason for the former. And for the briefest of moments,
I was reminded of a beautiful beginning and a love I never had.
I
stared with uncertainty and stayed very much glued to my seat, unable
to process the searing pain and the heated eyes that were on me. I
knew for sure he was here for me. But whatever the reason was, I
didn’t really want to know and didn’t want to be the one
to approach him first, even though, he clearly followed me here.
Something in my heart told myself to let this one go. I couldn’t
handle another confrontation with him. Pain and anger burned inside
my heart—igniting within and I let it dominate my emotion,
pushing the love I felt.
But
that was one of those lies I came up with to convince myself in order
to avoid the greater pain I had to suffer later—whoever cared
the most, got hurt the most, and I wasn’t going to prolong my
agony.
He
wore all black. His eyes flashed darker than ever before. I held my
breath evenly as I met his gaze under the flashing streaks of blue
strobe lights, unsure of what I will find in his eyes. But even with
conscious resistance, he must have seen something in my
face—something I tried so hard to hide. Misery. Sadness,
perhaps. Because his expression was one of pity—pity for the
pathetic girl who couldn’t get over him whom she barely met. It
had to be that.
Then,
focusing more intently on him, he wore a dark and sleek sport coat
and a black shirt underneath. A cluster of ladies, all looking
decently attractive, flocked around him. He didn’t seem to
notice their attraction to him, though they all continually flirted
for his attention.
I
lifted my glass as I gestured a toast of sarcasm in his direction. I
wasn’t sure why I did it, maybe trying to save face. But I felt
the need to acknowledge his presence in
some
way. I didn’t rationalize my reason—my thoughts were too
tangled. He looked at me with piercing eyes; a look that a father
might give a misbehaving child.
I
instantly moved my gaze away from him and searched for Becca from
among the crowd on the dance floor. I brushed off the look of
pathetic
from
my face and hoped, I passed his unwelcome scrutiny. Becca seemed to
be trying some new moves I have never seen before. Jeremy followed
her new dance routine, and imitated her what seemed like
chicken-dance slash rodeo-moves. Becca, glanced in my direction and
pointed her eyes toward someone next to me. I followed it.
“
Excuse
me,” a rather loud but muffled voice said. My eyes flickered to
look at a man in front of me, wearing a blue, long sleeve shirt. His
expression was pleasant. Friendly. Attractive—basing on the
fact that four ladies moved to his table right before he came over
here. “Would you like to dance?” He seemed nice that I
questioned my own response. I reminded myself that I was here to have
fun and that it was okay to take him up on it.
“
No,
thanks,” I said politely. If there was a time to use jealousy
as a playing card, this would be it. But I don’t like playing
games. Even though, I came here tonight, it wasn’t because I
was looking to fill some need. I just wanted to go out. Have fun.
Though, at this point I didn’t think it was possible.
I
gazed at Tristan’s direction. He didn‘t move. I saw a
trace of worry in his eyes. He seemed alarmed. I wasn’t sure if
it was because my face was such an easy read that he knew I was
miserable and he felt the need to protect me from myself. I rubbed my
hands on my arms, feeling the goose bumps that pricked from the cold
and the heated eyes coming off of him.
Then,
as the shock of seeing Tristan was barely wearing off, a dizzying
jolt awakened me. I was pushed violently. My whole body yanked off
from my seats edge. A huskier man had swung to hit the leaner man
next to me and had pushed me aggressively from where I was sitting.
Then
it happened in an instant.
I
saw Tristan’s gaze from me to where I was about to land, and
before a second had passed, he caught me before I hit the ground—an
impossibility that I didn’t understand and didn’t have an
answer for. I couldn’t focus on it for too long. I was more
aware of his body so close to mine, and that was enough to keep me
confused. He grabbed my hand while his other arm lifted me from where
I almost landed on the concrete floor, and scooped me so effortlessly
like I was paper and gently like I was a delicate petal.
Our
eyes locked for a moment, before I saw two shadows coming in our
direction. Tristan hardly paid attention to the two men that now
landed into a brawl. Like animals fighting for territory, they both
had backed up, swinging punches in every direction. One of the
huskier man swung in the air, hitting Tristan’s head
unintentionally from behind.
Tristan,
unfazed by the aggression—as if he had just swatted an
insignificant insect—grabbed the guy’s shirt and lifted
him with no effort, several inches from the ground. I heard him
murmur something unintelligible that sounded like a warning. It
seemed like he told him to go home—I couldn‘t be sure.
Then,
as soon as his feet touched the ground, he hurried to leave. The
leaner man seemed to have disappeared from the crowd. And before I
could completely comprehend what was happening, he focused his
attention on me.
“
Are
you okay?” He looked at me with the confusion still evident in
my expression.
Hearing
his voice and the concern radiating from his eyes, hurt me more than
if I had actually fallen off. As much as I should have appreciated
his gesture, I knew too well that it wasn’t enough—not
enough for him to change his mind to be with me—not enough to
change anything.
His
eyes looked torn, but I didn‘t allow myself to gaze in them
longer. It hurt me too much to stare at those
eyes
.
I swallowed dry. “I’m fine,” I snapped, feeling the
magnified ache that still lingered in my heart. I walked away toward
the dance floor, wanting to find Becca and away from the deep torment
that raged within me. I decided, I had enough of this and I was ready
to go home. But Tristan’s strong and gentle hand caught my
wrist, and gently and slowly tugged me back. I spun back to him. He
held me close and locked his body to mine.
As
I met his gaze, he caressed my face with his hand. I was about to
jerk my body away from him, when I caught an unexplained pain and
sadness in his eyes—deeper, cutting through me. I found it hard
to let go of his embrace and his body made no attempt to let me go.
Everything
came in slow motion; his now anguished face, ever so slowly came
toward me, as if it took all of what he had, to resist what he was
about to do. His soft lips found mine—warming my lips, cooling
them with his breath and tongue. He kissed me with a hunger that is
wrapped with such passion and need that echoed my own. Confusion
settled in my thoughts briefly. There was a rattle of conflict in my
mind. Then it was gone. So was I.
His
lips lingered, making me forget momentarily everything I knew—where
I was—what I was thinking. I spun in exhilaration. My mind
suspended in an excruciating bliss, maybe even agony at the thought
of what this would cost me later.
I
felt like time stopped, waiting for me to understand what it all
meant, even though everything was still moving. For a flicker of a
moment, I didn’t care about the reason. I simply wanted him.
Then,
my body pulled away without my approval as I pushed him with wasted
effort, though he automatically withdrew his lips on his own.
“
Why
are you here?” I hissed, wanting so badly to match what just
happened with his words. It didn’t take time for him to
respond.
“
I’m
sorry, I shouldn’t have done that, I just wanted to make sure
you were okay,” his voice wrecked. He abruptly stopped. A trace
of confusion settled on him briefly before the trace of regret faded
completely. The hard edge came back. In fact, the look on his face
seemed truly infuriated, and I’m momentarily lost and confused.
My thoughts juggled, finally catching his response as aggressive.
“
You
shouldn’t be here.” The intensity of his voice resurfaced
almost automatically.
His
voice, a menacing growl.
“
You
need to go home! There are worse guys than me here. I kissed you to
prove how easily anyone can get to you, and you fell for it!”
His voice an order. Rejection tore my insides. Disappointment stabs
my heart. His sharp-edged words floated in the air, choking my every
breath. I was right, nothing has changed. I was as confused by his
actions as I was with his words. Nothing seems to match up. Nothing
makes any sense when I’m around him.
Looking
intently into his eyes had given me the answer I was searching
for—the only one that mattered. And even when everything in me
tried to bury it deep inside, I knew Tristan didn’t want
anything to do with me.
The
heat of my anger stirred, simmering into rage. And even though,
everything in me wanted to scream, hurl every insult or let all of my
aggression spill, something prevented me—an unknown force I
couldn’t completely comprehend. “I’ll drive you
home,” his voice, an order and not a request.
“
No,
thanks!” I spitted. “I’m getting a ride with
Becca.” I decided I wasn’t going to demand for any
explanations. I knew I wasn’t really going to get any answers.
All I knew was that I needed to leave.
I
skimmed the crowd and caught Becca’s glare—her eyes
seemed to process what just happened. She glided to my side
immediately. She was still unaware of Tristan being here. But the
curiosity in her eyes vanished when her gaze went back to
him
.
She
stared at me assessing my expression. Her concern for me was like a
sister and she immediately yanked me away. She knew I wanted to
leave. Jeremy followed her lead. I walked fast, and even though I
couldn’t see his eyes, I felt the heat of his stare behind me,
piercing as it followed me all the way out.
I
waited—waiting for all the emotions to pour out. As I was lying
in bed—the large lump in my throat was building. I didn’t
want to fight it any longer. I hugged my pillow tight and braced
myself for the inevitable.
The
gates of pain opened. Tears poured, rushing like a landslide—and
I’m left drowning in tears of my unbidden emotions. I found
myself in the company of the only feeling that stood out—confusion.
I
tried to clear the muddle inside my head. I didn’t understand
why I felt so vulnerable…so broken. My emotions didn’t
make any sense at all.