Authors: Janice Hadden
His
jaw clenched tight for a brief moment. His face seemed undecided
between anger and frustration. A sudden flash of hurt passed his
face. Then it was gone. He stared from afar for a brief second and
when he looked back, his expression was softer. The sudden rising
anxiety in his response made me decide to change the conversation.
“
You
know I don’t know anything about you? I curiously asked.
“
Well,
there’s not much to know. I'd rather talk about you. Besides, I
don’t like to talk about myself. I’m not that
interesting.
Him…not
interesting?…you’re nothing, but interesting.
His
voice returned to its casual tone and I suddenly felt a trace of
relief lifted from his expression. He briefly smiled, curling his
lip. I couldn’t help but stare like an idiot again. After
realizing he was waiting for me to continue, I tried to scramble for
my immediate thoughts.
“
Well,
My mother died when I was ten…I was with her but I couldn’t
remember the details of her death. We were attacked and somehow I
survived…” As I shared a horrific and painful time in my
past, I quickly regretted it. Rationally, I knew It wasn’t
something I wanted to share with someone I barely knew, but for some
reason that was the first thing that came to mind. I wasn’t
sure why I felt so differently about him now.
“
I’m
so sorry to hear that,” his voice sounded strained. His eyes
grew in intensity. My pain seem to affect him immensely. I felt a
brush of warm affection radiating from him. I felt like I could tell
him everything. I continued, still unsure of the reasons why I felt a
strong need to disclose about my childhood and my mother.
“
I
don’t know why I don’t remember, which makes it worse
because whatever happened, is something so bad that I blocked it
completely…and as much as I feared remembering…”
I breathed deeply. “I feel that I owed it to her to remember
and give her justice. There were no suspects. It wasn’t
burglary because nothing was taken and my mother had no enemies that
I knew of…she was the kindest person…” As I began
to recollect my memories of her, trickle of tears started flowing. I
gazed down, trying to suck back in my emotions. I shouldn’t be
this open, this vulnerable to someone I barely knew.
He
stopped walking now. He faced me. Tristan gently lifted my chin and
wiped my tears with his fingers as he cradled my face unto his warm
hands. I felt a strange sensation ripple through me—his skin,
his touch, his comfort felt familiar somehow. A thousand distant
emotions floated in the air. I suddenly felt the need to touch his
hair again—to kiss him. The feeling was urgent—It tugged
at the deepest part of me. He looked deeply into my eyes as pain and
regret flashed within its depths.
“
You
shouldn’t feel responsible…you’re not responsible
for her death.” For whatever reason those words gave me such
comfort. He was about to cradle me in his arms and wrap me in an
embrace, when suddenly, the familiar addicting scent caught me off
guard again, and I felt drawn to him, making me weak in the knees,
and this
time
in every literal sense of the word. I staggered like a drunk.
What
a strange
affect
he has on me.
“
Are
you okay?” he noticed my unsteadiness.
Could
I be more obvious!
And
of course, I flushed guiltily.
“
I’m
fine.” Embarrassed, I slowly tried to move away from him to
catch my breath and clear my mind from the twisted state it had gone
to.
“
I
think we better sit,” he said in a formal, worried tone as he
gently tugged at my left hand. He lead us on a rock to sit. He sat a
little further away from me this time. I wasn’t sure if it was
a conscious effort from his part, but I was glad. It was always hard
to be coherent when I’m too close to him.
“
I’m
glad you’re talking to me…I mean, I was a complete jerk
to you,” he stated.
“
Jerk?…that
was an understatement,” a half smile passed my lips, my
eyebrows crinkled.
“
You’re
right…If I were you, I wouldn’t be talking to me right
now.” His gaze lowered. Then he looked up at me. There was a
clear visible vulnerability in his eyes.
“
So
why are you?” he asked with genuine curiosity as if he didn‘t
understand any of it.
“
Well,
it seemed to me, your actions toward me were based upon something
else and it really had nothing to do with me…so in that case…I
think it’s forgivable,” I smiled. “Besides you
already apologized for that,” I added.
“
Well,
I’m glad…you’re really an amazing person, and I
don’t mean just the way you are with me…the way you are
with people…the way you care about your friend, Josh.”
Guilt flashed through me steadily.
“
No,
you shouldn’t feel guilty, it’s not your fault,” he
said it as if I just had said it out loud—that I was
responsible for his fall.
“
How
did you know that…?”
“
Oh,
I just knew the kind of person you are. You take responsibility for
everything and you shouldn’t. There are other reasons, bigger
reasons why things happened,” he interrupted, before I could
finish my question.
“
I
really want to know more about you!” I demanded. I had been
open about myself and felt that it would only be fair that I should
get something in return. We began walking now. I waited patiently for
his response. I decided, I wasn’t going to say another word
about myself unless he’d open about him too.
“
There
are many things I can’t tell you. Things I can’t explain.
In some ways they’re not good—maybe even dangerous.”
At the word dangerous, I began to get scared. A voice in my head told
me that whatever it was
—
it
was something big.
“
You
see, I’m torn between many things…I seem to make the
wrong choices. That’s always been my mistake,” he sighed.
“
Either
way, I have to make decisions. Whether I make them or not, the
consequences are still there. There’s more to it, maybe I don‘t
have a choice at all anymore. The choice had already been decided and
I don‘t have a say in the matter any longer…you see,
sometimes, when one wrong choice is taken, it leads to another that
takes away all the others.” There was deep regret behind his
words.
I
was beginning to get dizzy with his half confessions. As we walked
further, my eyes became hazy and my head spun dizzy.
“
Katheryna,
are you okay?” Bright lights blinded me and all I could see was
brightness and all I could hear was Tristan’s voice, that
slowly disappeared into a dull echo. I tried moving my lips but my
voice was too weak—fading—and so was I.
M
y
eyes opened to the familiar, bright colors. Feeling the soft blanket
on top of me, I immediately felt warm. I was in my room. I sat up,
feeling a little disoriented. Steve came in and I suddenly felt
relaxed as my eyes focused sharply and caught his worried face.
“
What
happened, Dad?” I questioned, while trying to recollect the
last place I was at.
“
You
passed out.” I’m going to get you to see Doctor Hancock.
I already called him. Steve’s voice was stern with worry.
Maybe
add a psychiatrist to that
,
my subconscious suggested.
“
Where’s
Tristan?” I suddenly remembered everything. I was with him, and
we were talking and—I blacked out!
“
Who?…oh,
Tristan.”
“
He
was in your room when I came home. I thought at first he was some
sort of an intruder, but then he explained to me what happened and
said he was a co-worker…and I remembered him bringing
something at the hospital…anyway he left. He said he’ll
be back to check on you later…I told him to come back
tomorrow.”
Tomorrow!
I need him now
!
This new feeling surprised me.
When
and how did I develop this dependency on him?
C
oming
down the stairs, I smelled coffee, the usual morning aroma after
Steve, my dad had left for work. He had left me a note on the
counter.
Kat,
Breakfast is on
the table.
Don’t miss
your appointment
with Dr. Hancock
Have a Great day.
Love, Dad
Two
eggs, hash browns, two biscuits and five strips of bacon! And I
thought, Steve wanted me to see a doctor to check my head…not
a
blocked
artery!
As
I was about to heat my very unhealthy breakfast, the doorbell rang.
My heart began to flutter. My mind suddenly felt overwhelmed, unable
to really decipher the excitement I felt. My feet hurried to open the
door.
And
there he was. I could never get used to seeing him, as if every time
was always the first time. I sucked in my breath and stared at him,
unable to move from where my feet were planted.
“
Where
are you going?” A very concerned look was evident on his face.
His tone,
anxious.
“
Oh…I
…my dad…made an appointment for me to see a doctor.”
My thoughts and lips got
un-wired
again. Feeling like an idiot, I gazed down to look at my hands, my
fingers…anything else except his
absurdly
handsome face. I
can’t really afford a repeat from the day before…when I
fainted…
Oh
no—I fainted
…
the
memory was too nerve wracking for me to be able to find the courage
to look at him. I don’t know anyone that would collapse at ones
good looks
—
my
face was too hot.
“
Good.
I was really worried about you. What time is your appointment?”
I was glad he was too preoccupied about my health to notice the chaos
in my expression.
“
Not
until two this afternoon.”
“
So…where
are you going right now?”
What’s
with the questions…what are you some sort of cop
?
If it was somebody else, I would have been annoyed by his
interrogations.
“
I…was
just….going out for a while,” I mumbled.
“
Hmm…I
can’t help but somehow feel responsible for making you go up
that hill, I should have known…you’re barely
recovering.”
I
wouldn’t call that a hill…but, I better not contradict
him. That sounded like a really good excuse.
“
I
actually feel better,” my voice finally sounded a little
steady.
“
Well,
could you at least stay home and rest…or at least let me drive
you somewhere?” It really felt strange, how Tristan could act
so differently in comparison to the first time we met. I would have
never thought that there was a side to him like this a couple of
months ago. I was glad to see him today. I already felt better just
having him here. I didn’t think too much of the reason behind
the strange feeling that I get when he’s around, but I knew
somewhere deep inside that, there was more to him. But, I shoved the
thought aside for future analysis. I couldn’t concentrate on
that idea any longer, no more than I could concentrate on the fact
that he’s at my house yet again. He wore a white v-neck tee
under a black vest and slim black pants.
“
Come
on in.” I tried to keep my distance this time. My reaction to
his close proximity is beginning to feel really ridiculous even to
myself. I headed to the kitchen as he followed me. I grabbed a small
bowl and placed it on top of the counter.
“
I
haven’t had breakfast yet…do you want coffee? eggs?”
I offered.
“
No,
I’m fine,” he said, his tone—casual, while he sat
on a stool and stared at me in fascination. After heating the eggs
and biscuit, I slowly ate it and realized how disgusting reheated
eggs were, so I decided to grab the cereal box and poured a little on
the bowl and grabbed the carton of milk. Maybe I need to eat a little
bit more. I filled the bowl and it brimmed all the way to the top.
As
I was chewing the grains, his eyes were still fixed on me. I felt
extremely self conscious. It was silly to feel this way around him.
My mind raced with every ounce of insecurity. What a strange thing to
feel. My awkwardness lingered, almost evident now on my face. My mind
wandered idly on questions that I normally would have never thought
about.