Authors: Janice Hadden
Cash
and I also shared something in common. Both his parents died when he
was young, much younger than I was, and was raised by his aunt. But
despite the unimaginable tragedy in his life, he wasn’t a
victim. I wasn’t sure if it was his personality or his grateful
attitude; he didn’t allow his circumstances to dictate his
life. I really admired that.
C
rackling
wood turned to an orange tinge, spitting heat and smoke. It was dusk
and we started a bonfire. The edgy feeling in my heart seemed to
diminish after seeing the happy glow in everyone’s faces. In
the background, the beautiful sound of samba, had momentarily masked
my overwhelmed thoughts and a wash of calm spread over me.
Sitting,
I stroked the fine sand beneath me, It felt like warm fire. The air
was cool. I clasped my arms around my knees. I looked up to see Sam
and Al. They have been dating for a while now. She sat on his lap,
her head tilted and rested on his chest while she popped a melted
marshmallow in her mouth. Al held her with his right arm while he
held a drink on his left. They both looked very much in love.
I
looked to find Michella and Rob playing tag. She wore a brown slip-on
dress underneath her gold two-piece swim suit. He had his blue
swimming trunks. As always they looked good together. Happy. Airi
never really had a serious boyfriend after Sean, whom she broke up
with when she found out, he was cheating on her. Phillip and Ryan
both liked her but she didn’t really like either of them or she
wasn’t willing to give them a chance.
At
one point, they fought over her that they almost lost their
friendship. Realizing, she wasn’t into either of them, Phillip
and Ryan decided to call it a truce. Adam and Avril had gone on
several dates, though at this point, I don’t think it has gone
to the next stage. They both broke up with their ex’s almost at
the same time. Jen had just been dating around. No one that she felt
worth talking about. Vinny is one of those guys that haven’t
come out of the closet yet, but I knew it was just a matter of time.
He’d always been a good friend but for some reason he hasn’t
found the courage to be open about himself. I would accept him either
way, and I know the guys would, too.
T
he
water was cool and refreshing as we all went for a dip. The large
moon illuminated the dark water, cascading all the way to the end of
the line. The waves were calm but playful. Puffs of air blew on my
face while water dripped on my hair to my face all the way to my
chin. As I stroked the water down, trying to clear my vision, Cash
was suddenly inches from me. His muscular arms held my waist with
both hands, clasping them behind me.
“
I’m
really glad you’re here.” His face lit for a brief second
before becoming a little somber. “I really missed you…I
should have gone to see you, when you had the accident. I was just in
the middle of something important…not that you’re not
important,” his voice was calm but apologetic again. There was
deep pain in his eyes.
“
Cash,
I truly understand. I wasn’t hurt, remember no broken bones.”
I smiled a little, trying to lighten the mood. I knew how it felt to
feel guilty about something and I didn’t want him to feel that
way about me. He had been a great friend, a best
friend
in many ways. I still felt that way about him now, that is why in
many ways, I couldn’t understand why I kept some of the secrets
that are haunting me now, he understood me more than anyone. I gazed
at his face once again, feeling the regret in his voice. I really
wasn’t sure where it was coming from.
“
It’s
just that I should have been there…I should be with…”
His expression suddenly looked like he was holding more than just
guilt.
“
I
feel like you feel guilty about something, but please—don’t.
You’re not responsible for me. You’re a great
friend
and I like that
you care about me,” I pleaded, almost mad. At the sound of the
word
friend
,
his eyes looked hurt, maybe even torn.
“
I
wish there was some other way.” As he said the words, he
detached himself from me and swam further—he sank himself out
of sight, diving deeper, making a splash. It took a few
nerve-wracking seconds before I saw his head break the surface. I
sighed
in relief.
I
felt the warm water as I waded through the glimmering waves under my
palms, stroking it gently. It felt soft like silk. I sunk myself a
little deeper, feeling the layer of warm blanket on top of me. My
neck craned up at the enormous sky, so vast, almost never ending. I
felt small—almost insignificant.
As
I continually glanced at the moon, the cast of pale light gave me a
wash of overwhelming loneliness—like I was apart from
something. And for some strange reason I felt an ache, like my heart
was a world away, so fragile, like it could tear at any moment. I had
felt this feeling before and like always I tried to bury it.
Then.
I
went down.
A
strong strange current from below pulled me. My body sunk—the
waves engulfed me like quick sand. My head was buried in the depths
of the salty water. Cool liquid rushed inside my mouth and up my
nose, I swallowed automatically, choking at every breath.
My
hands wrestled aggressively, trying to push myself up with every
ounce of strength that I had. I could no longer breathe. Everything
was happening fast but everything in me wanted to fight. My mind
still so clear and coherent, knew that—
something
was down there and
was trying to drag me to the bottom.
I
immediately waded down deep to hook my fingers at the bottom of my
foot, trying to entangle whatever it was that was pulling me under. I
wasn’t sure what I was touching, but whatever it was, It’s
grip was strong, like my ankles were in thick chains, feeling heavy.
I continued to struggle. But it was no use. I used the tight grip
from my ankles to push for momentum and kicked myself to the surface.
Unable
to detach myself, I jerked up a long stride again. I was able to feel
the surge of air brush my face for a brief second. For a fraction of
an instant, I was able to suck air quickly, knowing it would
disappear in an instant. I contracted my lungs before the hold pulled
me down again. Air was cut off, rushing past me with a gurgle.
Water
poured inside me, filling my lungs. My leg, still caught, was
beginning to pull me even deeper. I knew it was just a matter of
moments before…it was over. I wasn’t sure how I was
going to survive, but I knew I wasn’t giving up. Kicking to
pull myself up, I managed to stick my right hand up, hoping someone
would see me as I wrestled with agonizing effort. All of a sudden, I
felt weightless, bolstering like a canon ball. A strong grip pulled
me and I could feel my body sprung from the bottom.
As
soon as I came up, I filled my lungs with air. I breathed as quickly
as I could. I felt my lungs almost bursting as I gasped in desperate
breathing. I started choking as water continually gushed out of me.
“
Are
you okay?” a tunneled voice asked. I wasn’t able to
answer but I knew It was
Cash.
A sudden relief took over my senses. I knew I was going to be fine. I
wanted to cry.
Cash
anchored my arm to his and pulled me quickly to shore, dragging my
lifeless feet. I almost collapsed on the sand. I started to spit out
more salt water, feeling hot in my mouth. The salt burned my throat.
I didn’t realize I was cold until someone wrapped me in a
blanket. My body shook uncontrollably. My body numb. I heard murmured
voices and whispers.
Everyone
gathered around to see what happened; their faces, a blur of shock
and worry all seemed washed out from a close distance. I couldn’t
make out all their
voices
except for one.
“
What
happened?” Cash spitted. I Saw his face popped out among the
many in the crowd with an undecided expression—fear, anger or
both, mimicking the sound in his voice.
“
I.
don’t. know.” My voice shook while my mind swirled, still
trying to reclaim the acceptance that I was still pretty much alive
and feeling overwhelmingly grateful despite the fact that my body was
still in shock. He hugged me tight, then let go to look into my eyes
to look for answers.
“
My.
Leg. Got. Caught. In…something and it started pulling me
under,” I said in broken words. Cash clenched his jaw but
didn’t say anything. He locked his arms around me then quickly
swooped me with strong arms. I was too weak to even hold on to him.
He carried me all the way up the hill, all the way to the house and
gently placed me in bed.
W
rapped
in blankets, I sipped my hot green tea, feeling uncertain about what
had happened. I decided to stay in the bedroom for a while. Except
for the occasional checking-up-on-me duty by pretty much everyone,
especially Cash, I was alone. I couldn’t find the strength to
talk about something that I could hardly wrap in my head. As I tried
to shove the fear, I suddenly felt a strange chill. I tried to brush
off the unusual sensation I was feeling.
It’s
just the fear talking.
My
thoughts trying to calm myself.
I
focused my thoughts on the objects in the room to keep myself from
becoming hysterical. On the left wall, hung two picture frames of
beautiful waterfalls. I focused on it’s soothing images. The
frames were made of chunky chestnut wood. Next to the beds were side
tables with lamps that had the shape of pineapples, its shades had
neutral colors with pineapple trees all around. I traced the wall in
my left—there was a large chestnut chunky cabinet, on top was a
flat screen. Across from me was a massive window with wooden
shutters. It was open and the breeze came in. It overlooked the
endless ocean. It was dark—very dark.
Suddenly,
the wind whipped so violently that it slapped all the windows shut
and yanked them open almost at the same speed. I crouched in panic as
I tried to pick up my heart that had fallen out of my chest. I
sprinted out to the living room where I found everyone half asleep
watching a movie.
Cash
immediately met my eyes. There was a deep underlying anger in them.
He welcomed me affectionately to sit next to him. He was sitting on a
recliner. There wasn’t enough space for the both of us. He
gently tugged at me to sit on his lap and I collapsed in his arms and
found a resting place for my head in his shoulders. He stroked my
hair and held me tight, long enough, until it lulled me into a
beautiful dream.
I
looked up as the lights blinded me. The sun was intense but yet it
didn’t burn. It was cool like the beginning of spring. I tried
to see who it was but the sun was always there blocking my view.
“
Show
yourself, I whispered” I saw shadows hiding against the
intensity of the sun. Then out of nowhere, Tristan came out. He
glistened as he came closer. His face was warm and soothing. His face
angelic. He didn’t say a word. He looked into my eyes and held
me in his arms. I didn’t resist. I knew him like I knew myself.
New
Light
I
didn’t tell
Steve about the accident in California. I didn’t want to worry
him. He had so much to deal with. Besides, I wasn‘t sure how I
was going to explain the chain of accidents that have been plaguing
me once again.
When
I was younger, as my father had vaguely told me, I had suffered more
than my share of accidents. He had left out many of the details, not
wanting me to live in constant fear. A few times I recalled him
crying, but the strange thing was, I couldn‘t recall the
details of all my past near death experiences.
“
I’m
glad you're back, I couldn’t help but worry about you being
miles away…how’s Jen and her parents?” Steve had
missed Jen and her family as I have. Steve would have gone with me
but he couldn’t take off work.
“
Great,
they said hi.”
“
How’s…Cash?”
His voice was casual. Steve had spent so much time with Cash enough
that he considered him family. He even thought we’d get married
someday.
“
He’s
good…he wanted to visit soon.”
“
Um…Do
you think that’s a good idea?…I mean, he’s a nice
kid but I don’t want him messing with your head.”
“
No
Dad, it’s not like that…you know we’re still
friends…we still talk and e-mail almost everyday. He’s a
good friend.”
“
Are
you sure he understands that?” his voice skeptical.