Authors: Janice Hadden
Desperation
coats my mind. I was helpless. But my will couldn’t surrender.
I couldn’t accept that this was the end…even when I knew
the certainty of my fate.
Then,
I lost consciousness.
There
was nothing.
Blackness
lingered in my mind.
The
sound of chaos, a loud familiar voice and cold hands yanked me back
to momentary consciousness. “Kat!…Katheryna! Are you
okay?” I heard Becca’s voice and all the loud, buzzing,
muffled voices in the background. I slowly opened my eyes.
Incoherent, I tried to move my lips.
“
What
happened?” Half conscious, I spun dizzy, my voice so weak, I
could hardly hear my own words.
“
The
ambulance is coming you’ll be fine. Josh was thrown as well and
he’s still unconscious. Don’t move until the ambulance
gets here.” I could hardly comprehend Becca’s ranting. I
stayed still, trying to focus on one thing—anything that made
any sense.
Suddenly,
I remembered the fall. Horror struck me like a landslide instantly.
Am
I dead? Oh my god, Steve?
I
stopped the babbling in my head for a brief second, trying to feel my
body. My body was vibrating…I was trembling.
If
I was dead, how come, I can hear Becca and she thinks I’m
alive. And if I was alive, why am I not feeling any pain from the
fall?”
My
mind spun with questions. None of it made sense.
I
could see Jeremy trying to push the crowd. “Please give them
some space.” I started curling my back upward to get up and
tried to look for Josh, but I couldn’t see him. Becca was
trying to pin me back down gently.
“
Kat,
lie still. Please don’t move.” A clamor of voices plugged
my ears, making me dizzy, and I floated back unto unconsciousness.
Soul
S
earching
W
armth
cradled me in an embrace before my eyes opened and coherently
adjusted to an unfamiliar surrounding.
Cold,
stiff bed, blinding light and pale blue sheets separated me from
seeing right outside the door of my room; I woke up in a hospital
bed. I faintly heard the doctor talking to Steve from just outside
the hall. “She had no broken bones, no fractures. We did an
MRI, she didn’t suffer any head injuries. After we do
additional testing, she should be able to go home. She’s
extremely lucky.” I sighed. I felt more than relieved that I
was okay. I didn’t care about me as much as I cared about
Steve. I didn’t want him to be worried—to be alone. Steve
came in. His face wrapped in an expression of relief, worry and
frustration.
“
Dad…I’m
sorry,” my voice was unsteady and light as a whisper. I knew it
wasn’t my fault, but somewhere deep inside, I knew that Steve
wouldn’t be facing so much grief if I wasn’t his
daughter.
“
Katheryna,
It’s not your fault…how are you feeling? Are you in any
pain?”
“
I
feel okay, dad…how’s Josh?” I was very anxious to
know about Josh. Up to this point, I still didn’t know his
condition.
“
Becca
and Jeremy are with him now and his parents are here.” Steve’s
voice was flat, almost without emotion. He slowly sat on a low chair
next to my bed and pulled it forward to face me. “Look, Kat…”
he began to say as he held my hand, squeezing it tightly…It
doesn’t look good…I’m not sure how to tell you
this,” his voice, cracked. The muscles in his jaw tightened,
holding back tears and possibly anger. “He’s in a coma,”
he blurted.
“
A…what?”
a gasping explosion came out of me. I didn’t realize his
condition was severe. For a brief moment my mind went numb. I
couldn’t wrap around the words that I was hearing. I didn’t
understand how I could come out without any injuries, not a bruise,
not even a scratch and him, be in a coma. It didn’t seem
possible. He squeezed my hand tight.
“
I’m
so sorry sweetheart. I really can’t help but be glad you’re
okay…If I ever lost…” He started to choke on his
words. A sob escaped him. I have never seen Steve show his emotions
this openly before. I slowly sat and hugged him tight. “Dad
it’s okay, I’m fine.” He wiped his eyes dry. “I
cannot lose you, too.”
“
You
won’t…I’m fine Dad,” I reassured him,
clutching him tight, knowing that it might not be enough. I dismissed
the uncertainty in my voice that would have given me away.
“
Promise
me you’ll take better care of yourself. I know it’s not
your fault…it’s just that…you have too many close
calls.” I knew Steve didn’t want to remind me of my
past—the many times he almost lost me. He had always made a
point of not
mentioning
any of it in any of our conversations. But I knew, he constantly
carried
the
fear in him.
“
I
promise,” I sternly said.
He
wrapped me in his arms once again before he kissed my forehead and
got up.
“
I’ll
check on Josh. I‘ll come right back.”
“
Oh
and I forgot, some of your friends were here earlier to check on you,
but I didn’t want you disturbed. They said they’ll come
back.”
“
Thanks
Dad,” I said in a composed tone. I needed him to know that I
really am okay.” He walked out, he held his forehead high and
shrugged his shoulders like he was preparing to face something very
difficult. I could only imagine how Josh’s parents and his
family are handling everything.
I
raked the cold room and suddenly realized the colorful well wishes
that surrounded me; a couple of beautiful arrangement of flowers in
vases, several balloons and cards scattered in every corner. Then, my
eye caught a beautiful pot of orchids next to my bed. I pinched to
grab the neatly tucked envelope and read the small card.
Katheryna,
I
hope you feel better soon,
I’m
so deeply sorry about everything.
Tristan
I
read it again and again, wondering briefly why I’d been so
happy that he’d thought of me—wondering how he knew I
love orchids. Of course, he probably didn’t know I liked the
exotic plant. He might have merely picked it up randomly from among
the many selections at the store.
I mean who doesn’t like
orchids?
I
suddenly felt very happy at the thought of Tristan thinking of me.
Though, the thought had been brief, clouded by the words that Steve
said earlier, ‘Too many close calls.’ How can I forget. I
wasn’t sure if making it alive this time was a good thing, only
to face another inevitable strings of accidents later. I didn’t
want to think about it anymore. But I knew I couldn’t hide from
it either.
Then
something snapped—like something electrocuted me. Oh my God!
This thing that happened—it’s my fault. Josh is hurt and
may possibly die because of…
me.
Something’s
out to get me…the gnarling sounds, the metals colliding, I
heard it when I fell. I was supposed to be the one to die, but
instead—I cringed at the image that suddenly flashed in front
of my mind. I felt like I was suffocating, feeling paralyzed about
everything.
A
flood of emotions overwhelmed my thoughts and a landslide of
questions started pouring.
Who
is trying to kill me? Why? Am I going crazy? Are any of these real?
Josh? What if he dies?
The
anxiety continued rising and reeling. I felt trapped, feeling very
much helpless again. With conscious effort, I tried to divert my mind
away from the chaos of my world—knowing that I will need to
find the answers soon…but where?.
I
came home the following day, feeling the weight of everything that’s
happened. I wasn’t able to see Josh because his condition was
critical. All I knew is that he was still in a coma. No one was
allowed to see him except family. His accident was my fault, even if
it was indirectly.
Sleep
stood me up, my sore lids stayed open, even though the dark night
finally ended and a glimmer of light peaked.
Falling
endlessly, screams muffled by the wind, streaks of light, the
suffocating air—played over and over in my mind like a
recorder. It was already eleven in the morning. I was still in bed,
when Sue, Airi, Adam, Avril and Sam came as soon as they heard that I
had gone home. I assured them I was fine, and by some miracle, I was
really fine physically—a mystery, I still couldn’t
understand. My thoughts were still too jumbled to coherently piece
everything. But it wasn’t because I didn’t remember. I
clearly remembered everything that night up to the point when my body
was supposed to hit the ground. What didn’t make sense was why
I wasn’t hurt. I could understand broken bones and surviving
the impact of the fall. But I didn’t even think I hit the
ground at all. I didn’t feel any pain, no broken bones, no
bruises, no scratches…just—nothing. I am more than glad
that I survived but this unknown mystery was too much to ignore.
Ryan,
Rob and Michella also stopped by late that afternoon. By that time I
had managed to change and had started cleaning the kitchen, trying to
forget for a moment the mysteries and horrors of that night. Jeremy
and Becca dropped by too. Everyone had left before Steve came in with
groceries. He had taken a whole week off to take care of me, even
though I assured him, I didn’t need to be taken care of.
“
Dad…let
me get that.”
“
Oh…no…no…you
better lie or sit down young lady. You are barely recovering…Doctor’s
order.”
I
decided not to contradict him. I wasn’t going to go into detail
about the fact, that I didn’t think I have actually fallen, so
there was really no need for me to rest.
“
I’m
cooking for us tonight. What do you feel like eating?”
The
rest of the afternoon was a quiet affair. After Steve baked a box of
frozen lasagna, he insisted on clearing the table and washing the
dishes and I headed immediately upstairs to catch up on sleep. That
night, I finally fell asleep without even trying. I felt an unusual
warmth, cradling me again. For the first time, I felt grateful for
being able to dream. I couldn’t really remember the dream. It
was more a feeling of being warm, being loved.
The
next day I decided to go back to work. Despite some oppositions, I
assured Steve and everyone that I was fine. I was fine physically,
but emotionally I was a total wreck. The thoughts of my body plunging
to my death, played over and over and no rest can cure me from my
memory of that awful night. It was no accident and only I knew that.
I needed to go to work to distract myself from being on the edge of
losing it. I started my shift earlier than usual. Lonnie didn’t
like the idea but I convinced her that this was exactly what I
needed—a distraction.
I
had missed a couple of days of work and wanted to make up for my lost
hours. It had been relatively slow, with only a few customers even
during the dinner rush when I came in. A seven and a half hour shift
was not enough to keep me busy and sane. As my shift had ended
faster, and as I was getting my purse from my locker, the sound of
faint footsteps from behind, made me jump and I automatically twisted
to look behind me to find—
“
Katheryna!
You shouldn‘t be going back to work!” I felt a little
confused about the statement, but even more with the voice that was
too familiar. Tristan was talking to me, in the most unusual but very
formal serious worried tone. Almost an admonishment. I would have
expected it from Steve or even from Becca, but not from someone who
hated me not too long ago.
Hearing
him say my name, gave me the strangest feelings of familiarity. I
briefly assessed his eyes. There was a slight anger but I didn’t
feel that it was directed at me this time. But despite Tristan’s
unusual interest in me, the lingering worry and guilt of Josh‘s
condition was the only thing in the surface of my thoughts, blocking
my other emotions.
“
I’m
fine.” I said in a flat voice as I continued to gather my
things from the locker. He came toward me cautiously.
“
I
know I’m the last person that you would probably like to see
and talk to, but I was worried about you when I heard…”
The awkward expression in his face was hard to
look
at. I kept silent.
“
I
would like to apologize for my behavior…” he continued.
His voice was so low, it sounded genuine. “You didn’t
even know me and I was rude to you…and in more than one
occasion.”