Authors: Janice Hadden
A
sudden plague of anger washed over me. I wasn’t sure if it was
because he was now showing a little humility and I felt the
entitlement to lash out at him or I was angry about the fact that I
felt very much helpless in my own life and every aspect of it seemed
to be spiraling out of control, or something entirely
different—something I had no explanations for.
“
Why
were you?” It wasn’t so much of a question as an
accusation. I looked at him straight and fierce, as mixture of pain
and anger settled on me. His eyes were suddenly intense.
“
I
had some personal problems and I’m sorry, I shouldn’t
have taken it out on you. I was out of line.”
“
I
really don’t care what your problems were. We don’t know
each other and frankly I’d like to keep it that way. Now, If
you’ll excuse me, I have to visit a friend at the hospital,”
I snapped. Seemingly unaware of my catty mood or just completely
ignoring it, the soft tone in his voice didn’t change.
“
Um,
about that…your accident…are you okay?” he
sounded more than genuinely concerned. He seemed really worried. The
color of his eyes were radiant.
“
I’m
fine, you shouldn’t worry about me,” I hissed, but it
seemed the intensity in my voice faded quickly. I fought back a tone
that would have given my lie away. I wasn’t fine. I was far
from fine, but he didn’t need to know that.
“
Well…I…do…”
he stated. His expression was conflicted again.
“
It’s
not me you should be worried about. I’m the lucky one.” I
tried to put a mean edge in my voice that now seemed to have deflated
yet again.
“
How
is he, your friend?” he finally asked.
“
Josh
is…” my voice in broken words, and as tears began to
pool from my eyes, I flung myself out to leave before he could see me
completely break down.
D
ays
passed and I continued to worry about the accident and Josh. My
lingering guilt clouded everything else I felt. I wanted more than
anything to go back in time and change everything. If only it was a
matter of being at the wrong place at the wrong time. But I knew the
truth—even if I couldn‘t completely wrap my mind around
it.
The
phone rang. Finally, the news I’d been waiting for. Josh was
out of the coma. I rushed to the hospital, driving like a maniac in
the afternoon traffic. I wasn’t sure why I was in a rush, I
wasn’t really prepared to face him. I parked the car abruptly,
turning the ignition off.
But
despite the speed I had taken to get there, my anxiety, nearly out of
control, wedged me to my seat. I wasn’t sure how I was going to
hold myself together. The hospital couldn’t discuss his
condition despite my attempts. Of course I had monitored his everyday
progress, but I certainly didn’t want to keep bothering his
parents at least not today of all days.
As
I reluctantly sprinted to the long hallway toward his room, my mind
was consumed by a crippling anxiety that I couldn’t contain.
Josh, waking up was obviously the best news I could have hoped for,
but his mental state was still much a concern.
Coming
in, I immediately saw him. His head and most of his body were still
wrapped in white stripped bandages. His right foot hung to a cord so
he couldn’t bend his knees.
It
had been five days since the accident. But time didn’t help
ease the guilt that plagued me. I hardly slept—thinking every
single day when he’d finally wake. I breathed deeply, trying to
look braver than I felt before I faced him.
Mrs.
Bailey came toward me. “How is he?” I muttered softly.
“
He’s
doing much better. The doctors are doing some more testing but he
wanted to see you. I‘m glad you‘re here.” A sudden
burst of happy tears almost escaped me, but I held it. She let hers
out freely. She gave me an unexpected hug and my arms automatically
wrapped my arms around her. I held her a little longer. After a
moment, she pulled away and wiped her tears dry.
The
evident dark circles in her eyes had clued me in to the fact that she
had not slept for hours, but the relief in her smile and the tone
happier than I have seen and heard, had made it all up.
She
silently closed the door as she left—leaving me to the silence
and the queasiness in my stomach. I slowly walked toward him—the
longest walk I can remember. I had been waiting for this moment, but
now, It felt harder than I was really prepared for. I felt like, I
should be the last person to be here comforting him. But I knew that
I couldn’t abandon him—especially now. He needed me.
I
sat on the chair next to his bed, pulling it forward and putting my
hands on top of his, very gently, making sure I didn’t put too
much pressure on them. I looked into his eyes, barely open—around
them were dark, purple, bruised-like circles, evidence of the trauma
his body had endured.
His
head can hardly move as he twisted his head to meet my eyes. I didn’t
know how much he remembered or if he even had any memory of that
night.
“
Josh,
I whispered softly, tilting my head, leveling to his, my face a foot
away. “How
are
you feeling? Please don‘t talk if it‘s too hard,” I
said faintly. It took him some time to answer. I waited. Suddenly, a
deep groan escaped his lips. “I feel like I was in a boxing
match.” He smiled crooked.
“
I’m…so…sorry.”
The words escaped me, feeling heavy in my throat. I didn‘t know
what else to say. The words failed in my lips. Only my thoughts knew
how deeply and responsible I felt.
“
It’s
not your fault…you didn’t make the roller coaster break.
If anything I should apologize to you. You could have been killed…I
invited you…they were my tickets,” his voice, gentle and
remorseful. I couldn’t believe he’s apologizing for this.
Of course
he
would. Of course, he would think that. I kept silent. The guilt was
ripping my
insides.
How could I possibly tell him that someone or something is trying to
kill me and that he almost died because of me and not the other way
around.
“
It’s
not your fault, either.” I tried to comfort him in the only way
I could. I caressed
his
hand gently. “Do you need anything?”
“
No,
I’m glad you’re here and that‘s more than enough,”
he said it with so much sincerity, it made the guilt in my chest well
up even more.
“
I
want you to know, I’ll be here whenever you need me,” I
whispered.
“
I
couldn’t ask you to do that.”
“
You’re
not asking me…I’m volunteering.” My lips curved
upward and I faked a smile.
“
I
can stay here today…I don’t have to work…If
that’s okay with you?”
“
I
don’t mind at all…but I have to warn you…I’m
quite a handful.” Suddenly, I saw the Josh that I was hoping I
would see. The same happy Josh before the accident. Awake. Alive. And
better than I expected. The thought gave me a sudden surge of
momentary relief. “I think I can handle that.”
I
stayed at the hospital whenever I didn’t work or had class.
Becca and Jeremy visited him as well. Charlie, Sue, Airi, Sam, Avril
and the rest of the guys all had dropped in at one point, bringing
flowers, books, magazines and everything else that his room started
to look like a bachelor pad that needed a visit from a cleaning lady.
But then, I was glad I found a way to be useful and had taken the job
eagerly.
G
oing
to school had been tough. I missed several days so that I could take
care of Josh, though I made every effort to make sure that I did my
very best to make up for any lost work and study time. Brody had left
me a couple of messages to let me know he was dropping by later to
check on me and keep me up to date on everything I might have missed.
He’s such a good friend. I wondered briefly if my absence had
caused him to do extra work at lab since I hadn’t been there to
do my part. But before I could feel completely guilty about it, my
thoughts were suddenly interrupted.
“
I
made a copy for you from last week’s notes when you missed
school.” Tristan’s voice broke me from my reverie,
surprising me while he handed me a stack of papers.
“
What?…”
I looked at him wide-eyed, feeling lost in his words. The packet felt
thicker on my hands. I stared at him in confusion. A few tangled
emotions washed over me, blocking my thinking process yet again. His
face was pleasant like the last time. But there was something else
that was unusual. There was an unusual spark in his eyes
—something
different that I have never seen before. His face was gentle, the
hidden anger in his eyes had completely vanished that I began to
question how it was possible for someone to completely change, as if
I was looking at a completely different person.
I
was too preoccupied by the sudden shift and my always too strange
reaction that I forgot how clueless I was still about the pages he
was handing me.
“
I
saw your friend Brody at the library and asked him for copies for the
notes that you might need to study for.”
“
Oh…”
That
totally made sense…of course…you, me and Brody. The guy
you’ve never met and me…the girl you hated.
I
wasn’t sure if I felt annoyed or grateful.
“
Well,
I saw him at the library, introduced myself and told him that we work
together
and
that I would be seeing you today…I thought I’d save him
the trip of having to go by
your
place. He had mentioned that he was coming to see you later.”
Oh…how
thoughtful. Tristan—thoughtful…that really is a change.
My
heart was hyperactive again. I was suddenly and completely taken back
by the unrecognizable person standing in front of me.
“
You
didn’t have to do that. I could have gotten it from him
myself,” I whispered. My face a little flushed.
“
No
trouble at all…I’m just really sorry for the way I have
treated you. You must know how terrible I feel…this is sort of
my peace offering.” There was a deep underlying regret in his
voice mixed under a trace of reluctance. Once again, I was
taken
back by how truthful he was about everything
—
confirming
that his actions toward me were dead on. He was hateful and was
actually admitting and apologizing for it.
Suddenly,
and as much as I didn’t want to bring up the motorcycle
incident and as much as I wished I could erase it, and weighing on
the fact that we are now being honest, I felt the need to apologize
myself.
“
Uhhm…”
I cleared my throat. “I’m sorry about last week…I
really…wasn‘t trying to follow you…its just
that…” and before I could even finish my confession and
my lame apology…
“
No,
don’t worry about it. There’s nothing to apologize for.”
I sighed in a rush of relief. Despite all the chaos that’s been
going on, I had been so worried about the
motorcycle-
stalking-incident,
I couldn’t believe I was getting off this easy.
“
By
the way…thank you for the lovely thought…the orchids
are beautiful…they’re my favorite.”
“
You’re
very welcome.” His eyes, smoldering, his smile was really
distracting, I wasn’t sure why he was still standing there.
Then I noticed he was still holding out the stack of papers. I gently
grabbed the notes from his hands.
“
Thank
You,” I said pleasantly, feeling somehow that we were now,
even. I headed to the lounge to get my purse. I sat down on one of
the tables and skimmed through the papers carefully. It was about ten
pages long; I didn’t realize, I missed that much. Then, I
noticed he also added study notes that he wrote himself that he
neatly organized and highlighted. My eye, caught his handwriting. It
was neat and the pen strokes of every letter, perfectly written. I
browsed through them in admiration.
In
the last page, there was a picture—a beautiful sketch of a
girl—no—a woman. I pulled it out to assess and admire it
longer; her expression was warm, the contours of her face was soft,
the wind blew her long, dark hair. She had a beautiful long black
gown—it was so beautiful, I envied her instantly. Her eyes were
light amber, cheeks blushed in rosy red.
And
as I studied the sketch in detail, I realized she looked somehow
familiar. She looked like me. Tristan drew me…
why
would he draw me?
I
suddenly began to think about Tristan—how I could never really
hate him even though I tried—even when I had good reason
to—even when I could just simply ignore him, his presence
always made me confused about my feelings. A clash of emotions always
followed me when I was around him.