Authors: Janice Hadden
“
Katheryna…would
you like a drink? I opened my eyes and I’m mentally aware that
I’m high…up high in the sky. I flicked my eyes to see
the stewardess handing soda and juice. Sam was staring at me bright
eyed as she waited for my answer. “7-up would be great,”
I murmured nervously. Sam passed it to me.
“
Thanks.”
I grabbed the cold can eagerly, pulled the tab open and glared at the
window next to me. The fizz distracted my thoughts briefly. I let the
cold settle on me before I focused my eyes on the bright, blue
background that stretched in my vision and doodled continually on
it’s vibrant canvas.
The
flight seemed to be endless before I heard the familiar voice
announce our arrival. As I felt the plane slowly descent, a
familiarity of terror struck me with force and I felt my head spin
out of control. I held the cushioned armrest with as much force as
probably a woman in labor about to give birth. I felt a tear under my
fingers. I concentrated on my breathing, trying to ignore the strong
impulse of hysteria as the plane continually glided lower.
It
seemed to have been the longest landing. I cringed in anticipation as
I waited to feel the tires hit the ground. I gritted my teeth. My
stomach was in knots. My heart pulsating hard. I concentrated on my
breathing. When it finally came to a halting stop, It took me a long
moment before finally feeling a little coherent to slowly move my now
too stiff arms and legs into a stretch. I exhaled deeply and waited
for everyone to get their things, before standing to grab my carry on
from the over head compartment.
I
couldn’t rush fast enough to get out of the small confined
space and breathe the open air. I Still felt a little shaky even
after I planted my jet lagged feet on the ground. But as soon as I
saw the entrance to the terminal, I was glad to be in California.
I
was surprised to feel the heat. A three digit advisory was in effect
for the valleys. I thought it unusual to have a summer weather in
early December. I couldn’t complain too much. This just meant
swimming would be at least bearable. The last time we were here, I
was hardly in the water. California waters were always too cold for
me and I wanted very much to spend a couple of days under the blazing
sun—under my thick layer of sun block of course.
The
last time we were here, we packed the whole house and not having
enough rooms we practically
sardined
on top of each
other. As we picked up our rental car, we headed to the local market
to pick up some items for dinner. Sue, Avril, Michella, Sam, Airi and
myself decided to prepare a meal for all of us while we let the guys
start the grill. I couldn’t help but feel bad that Becca wasn’t
able to make it, not to mention, Josh who was still recovering.
He
had gone home to his parents house a couple of days ago. Except for
my every day calls, I have not gone to see him before I left, not
wanting to bother his family. I knew he lived in a dorm at Andrews,
but with the accident they wanted to keep an eye on him for a while.
When
we got to the house, I immediately unpacked the groceries and
seasoned the steaks and chicken. Michella prepared Greek salad. Avril
and Airi made our favorite dessert, the molton lava chocolate cake
with vanilla ice cream. The guys went out to get more drinks. Rob and
Adam were in charge of the grill. Ryan and Al decided to play beach
volleyball while we finished preparing for an early dinner. As we
were about done setting the table on the porch, the door bell rang. I
opened it.
“
Oh,
hi Cash!” I was very glad to see him and I could tell, he felt
the same. I gave him a peck on the cheek.
“
Hi
Sweetheart,” he said too smoothly. He had always been the
funny, playful and affectionate type. He gave me a tender but
crushing hug and swung me around.
Though
Cash and I broke up, we remained really good friends; it was one of
those, growing up kind of break up, it just ran it’s course.
Jen just got back from grocery shopping. Phillip and Vinny had also
arrived. The room was the same as I remembered—the stretch of
the sparkly ocean was around us, the music was playing loudly in the
background.
“
Well,
I’m glad you all have made it.” She gave everyone a hug.
She took out the paper plates, utensils, and napkins and we all
headed to the balcony.
“
So
Kat, how’s Josh doing?” Jen haven’t met Josh.
“
He’s
doing better, considering...” I held my thought, I didn’t
want to relive the
horror
of that night.
“
What
happened to you was not but short of a miracle…not even a
scratch,” Jen continued.
“
Yeah,
we still couldn’t believe what happened,” Rob added.
“
Uhm
Jen, We promised Kat, we weren’t going to bring up the
accident. We really
want
her to take a break from all the stuff at home.”
“
Oh…I’m
sorry, Kat…I’ll shut up now.”
“
No…it’s
okay…Josh is back with his parents.” I kept my answer
short.
“
Now,
Kat also likes this guy Tristan,” Sam teased, trying to change
the subject I guess.
“
I
do not,” I protested—blushing.
Maybe
we should go back to the whole Josh
subject
.
Cash seemed irritated. Even though, we’ve broken up several
months ago, he didn’t like hearing about other guys. I guess
that’s understandable. I’d probably feel the same way
too. I’m quite protective of him in some way.
“
Maybe
it’s more of a crush,” Airi countered. “Kat is not
into falling in love.” Thinking about Tristan, crush is such
juvenile word when I think of him. He seemed to be way more mature
than any of the guys I’ve known.
“
How
did you meet him?” Jen asked.
“
Well,
Becca set me up with him…and that’s about it.”
Sam, squinted at me. Of course, she knew about Tristan, way before
Becca had even set us up. But I figured, she’d caught on and go
along. A white lie. I didn’t want to go into detail about our
first meeting and all the strange interactions we‘ve had—the
rudeness, the anger, the accusations and the warning about staying
away from men I hardly know…then, more recently, the flowers,
the apologies, the notes and the sketch of me and the date—oh,
no the date…I still can’t process that. It’s just
way too exhausting to think and assess all of Tristan’s mood
changes and all my strange reactions toward him. I was suddenly too
drained.
After
dinner we all cleaned up and lounged in the living room.
“
Kat,
can I talk to you outside, if you don‘t mind?” Cash’s
voice was serious but calm. We both headed to the porch. Cash
suddenly looked anxious. His emotions had been very clear on his face
without even saying the words. He slowly paced back and forth before
facing me. It took him a while before he could say anything. I
waited.
“
When…we
broke up…it wasn’t because of you,” his voice was
hard. He was silent again for a moment, like he was carefully
choosing his words. I didn’t wait for him to continue.
“
I
know…Cash,” I interrupted, feeling a little
uncomfortable about the conversation. Of course, I knew it wasn’t
about me. He had made that crystal clear before he left for
California. Maybe he still feels guilty about it. I felt the need to
reassure him. He didn’t need to feel guilty about anything. He
didn’t need to worry about me.
“
Please
just let me say this.” He squeezed both my hands with his. His
voice was wrecked under a thin layer of composure.
“
It’s
just that, there are things that I couldn’t tell you. I didn’t
even know it myself.” He gritted his teeth and a subtle ache
crossed his face. I just stood there waiting for the next words. I
wasn’t really sure where all this guilt was coming from. As I
recalled, when Cash got accepted at a culinary school in California,
we have discussed it and decided that the separation wouldn’t
change how we felt about each other, but we didn’t want our
relationship to be a problem with our future plans and that he’d
love me no matter what, but he couldn’t ask me to sacrifice
anything
and
wait until the timing was right. I understood that.
“
Well,
I’m not really explaining this very well…all I know is
that…I still…
love
and care
about you and I always have. I really want you to believe that.”
His eyes were rough on me and for a shadow of a second, I saw what we
had been to each other—what I was to him and what he meant to
me.
“
The
reason I moved to California was not just because of school, there
were other reasons, I just couldn’t tell you. I’m telling
you this because I want you to be careful.” His eyes were
suddenly too serious. I was silent for a moment, trying to really
hear what he was saying.
“
I’m
fine Cash.”
“
I
don’t know…are you really?…I thought I was doing
the right thing then…but I don’t know now.” I
could hear the skepticism in his voice. His face looked conflicted
and I couldn’t really tell the reasons behind them. He had
known about my accidents in the past but that was when I was younger.
He also knew about my repressed memories. So why is he bringing this
up now? Is he changing his mind about breaking up with me? But before
I could try to draw any conclusions in my head…I heard the
sliding door open.
“
Hey
Kat, It’s Josh, I think he’s been trying to get a hold of
you,” Sam yelled from the door. Cash sighed deep before
releasing my hands.
“
Go
ahead…we’ll talk later,” Cash said reassuringly.
His face, gentle. I looked at him, hesitant. I knew he wanted to tell
me more, to explain something that he couldn’t seem to find the
words for.
“
Really…we
can discuss it later.” Suddenly, his face dissolved into a
calmer expression and his lips into a reserved smile. He didn’t
wait for my response, instead, he kissed my forehead before letting
his arms dropped to his sides. I went toward the house, grabbed my
cell phone from Sam, feeling excited about hearing from Josh. “Hey
Josh, how are you feeling?”
“
I’m
good…”
“
I
just got here a couple of hours ago. I’m really glad that you
called me.” Hearing from him always made me feel better. Happy.
It was a feeling beyond guilt and duty.
“
I
sorta kinda got dragged in here.” I stuck my tongue out
teasingly at everybody.
“
If
you need me to be there anytime, I can fly out as soon as I can.”
“
No…no…don‘t
do that…I just wanted to check up on you.”
“
Are
you sure?”
“
Yes…have
fun,” he said reassuringly.
“
Okay,
then. I’ll see you in a couple of days.”
It
was nice to get away and be with old friends again. We were
practically inseparable in high school. It was nice having Sue here.
She was my first friend when we moved right after my mother died.
Thinking of her, I recalled a time when I almost lost her too.
Bullies
I
was a bit chubby
when I started sixth grade. Katheryna, the nicest and I think the
prettiest girl in school, was the only friend I had, and coming out
of grade school was very difficult for me. I acquired the nickname
Suzy Chubby beginning in fourth grade. Although I wasn’t that
heavy, the taunting made me want to eat more, beside the bad genetic
factor which gladly helped piling on the weight.
By
the time I was in eight grade, I had gained fifty more pounds. On the
outside I made it seem like I was taking it well. I even made cracks
at my own self for being overweight. It was my way of coping with
everything that I felt inside. I wanted to conquer my fears by facing
it head on, but It was all an act. I knew it was an act because
whenever I didn’t feel good about anything, food was my source
of comfort. At our eight grade graduation party thrown by one of the
parents was when it happened.
I
came to the party with Katheryna, Leslie and Eva. At first I was
having a lot of fun. Making it out of Junior high alive, was already
an unimaginable accomplishment and I was glad to end that chapter in
my life. Although having friends like Katheryna, Leslie, Eva and Liz
made Junior high tolerable, I couldn’t help but feel like I
wasn’t good enough.
All
of them were beautiful, slim, popular, have great personalities and
talented in so many ways. Maybe with the exception of Liz, who I
would consider plain which she compensated with a great friendly
personality, I couldn’t help but be insecure when I was around
them. At that time I still didn’t know why I was friends with
the popular girls. In the back of my mind I always thought that they
just accepted me because Kat took me in as a poor soul needing to be
saved from the cruel world.