Authors: Janice Hadden
“
Fallen
angels…we also have a higher law, the one rule we were not
allowed to cross. Fallen angels are not allowed to intentionally hurt
a human being—unless, one wants to be banished from one’s
existence.” I processed that for a moment, not really feeling
the reassurance that I should feel.
I
guess sort of the equivalent of capital punishment like the death
penalty. Still, that didn’t stop serial murderers from
committing murder and it certainly didn’t stop Gabriella from
trying to kill me.
I
figured, the only alternative I have, is to learn as much as I can.
“
This
sounds like a stupid question,” I stated.
“
There
are no stupid questions, ask away,” he encouraged.
“
Well,
if you’re a fallen angel, how were you able to fly and keep
your wings?” He erupted into a barely restrained laughter. “I
suppose that was a fair and an obvious question,” he mused.
Then his tone changed. “Fallen angels have many powers. We
never lost our wings; we just lost our place in heaven,” his
face dimmed as he said the last words.
By
then, I had realized, there is such a thing as a stupid question.
“
Gabriella?…I
thought you could read her mind?” Tristan had mentioned before
that
other
than humans and archangels, he could read the other fallen angels'
thoughts.
“
She
was merely obeying what they had instructed her…she didn’t
have her orders until now…that was why, I didn’t see the
threat in her…but I should have.” The muscle in his jaw
strained.
“
Is
there a way to kill the dephils?” I spitted, before I could
lose my nerve to ask the
question.
I couldn’t really afford the leisure of ignorance any longer.
“
No,”
he said without hesitation. “The only thing that could make us
weak…is our
association
with mortals,”
he said without expression. I suddenly felt the burden of
truth.
I couldn’t really think of anything to say.
“
I’m
not staying away from you…not now…if that’s what
you're thinking,” he said firmly, almost furious.
But
the thoughts continued burning in my mind. Tristan’s continued
association with me…I suddenly questioned, if I was really
worth all this trouble. Even before, I always knew that I didn’t
deserve someone like Tristan and now…to be the only
cause…for…another—downfall.”
His
eyes blazed, looking like he could see all the way into my soul. His
jaw clenched and tightened.
“
Tristan!”…my
words were hesitant and shaky. “You have to admit, you and
I…we’re messing with some sort of great chasm here.”
“
Do
you think…I really care about that!” His voice was razor
sharp.
“
I
mean, how do you even really know that you
love
me?…and to risk…” I decided to take a different
approach. I have to admit, it was a shallow effort, but I had to
throw my logic out there.
His
face was pleasant then. His lips curved in that adorable way again.
“
Humans
might say beauty, personality, talent—those are all true of
you, of course. But I don’t see just the way humans do—humans’
eyes are limited.” He brushed my face with the back of his
hand. “You certainly are beautiful. I’m beginning to
possess the qualities of a man’s eye, but I also see beyond…you
know,
love
…
It
chooses you. It’s complicated and complex. For
most
humans…attraction
first, then love. It’s always opposite for a fallen angel.
You’re beauty radiates. I saw your heart—kind, pure,
selfless—by no means perfect…but good. I wish you could
see yourself, the way I see you. No one else can ever capture my
heart like you, it‘s beyond words. And forever will never
change that…and if that isn’t
True
love…then
we have definitely messed up the chasm between heaven and earth or in
this case, human and angel, for no good reason.” By then, even
my insecurities couldn’t argue.
The
hours drifted restlessly. Tristan had been on the phone on and off
the rest of the afternoon. The sun was about to set when he returned
to the room to yank me out to the deck to view the sunset. He folded
his arms around from behind me as we both watched the striking
streaks of burnt orange, fall to the bottom of the earth.
We
headed back inside and I prepared a quick bite to eat. I familiarized
myself with the galley kitchen and made a chicken fajita. After I
ate, put everything away and cleared the dishes, I headed to the
bathroom to get myself ready for bed. I brushed my teeth longer than
usual and changed into a pastel sleeper gown. When I came out of the
bathroom, Tristan was already in the bedroom.
My
mind wandered, dissecting every movement and reaction from his face.
I couldn’t quite read into it. His impassive expression gave
nothing away. He seemed preoccupied and drifted off to the other room
for a brief moment and when he returned, he had brought in extra
pillows and blankets.
I
sat awkwardly in bed while I waited for him. “You need to get
some sleep,” he said, almost a whisper as he came toward me and
gave me an extra blanket. “…I will sit in the sofa.”
“
No!”
I protested. “Please, I want to be next to you,” his eyes
were hesitant. I wasn’t sure why Tristan was suddenly acting
strange. Somehow he was distant. He gave no
protest
to the idea, so I decided not to question his sudden aversion to our
close proximity.
He
lied down in bed while I cradled in his arms—my head rested on
the curve of his neck, my arms gently pressed on top of his chest. I
didn’t want to say anything that could ruin the peace that
surrounded us by uttering the words that continued plaguing my
mind—the fear that had been simmering endlessly inside my head.
I tried to shut out all the voices that is now too tangled in my
thoughts, hoping I could momentarily pause all the worries that I
have. Sometimes, I wonder if it was at all possible to stop time, to
cling to the perfect emotion and stay in it—to forget what was
outside of this vessel that threatened everything.
But
it was simply impossible. I propped my head up, wanting to see his
eyes for confirmation. The silence hovered for another second before
I interrupted—my heart felt heavy, my throat, dry. “They’re
really going to kill me, aren’t they?” my words horrified
me. But I suddenly felt the need to yank everything out of me or I
would explode.
There
was something in the way he looked that made me regret my question.
It wasn’t the confirmation of my statement that made me felt on
extreme edge—It was Tristan’s pain that suddenly flashed
dim in his angelic face.
“
No…nothing
will happen to you. You have to believe that,” his eyes
suddenly looked certain and I felt a stream of confidence wash over
me. I knew he read my emotions. I wondered if he had chosen to use
his powers to alter them. I couldn’t tell. My fears were simply
shifting into something extraordinary. He held my face close to his
and kissed my hair delicately, reassuringly. My mind had forgotten
momentarily the threat that surrounded us.
His
intoxicating scent quickly filled my senses. It always caught me off
guard. It was something I could never get used to. My heart, full of
love, suddenly intertwined with deep desire. I was suddenly clearly
aware of the intimacy I was facing—one part feeling completely
nervous, vulnerable, naked—the other part, already drowning in
exhilaration, past all comprehension. My body crushed to his—weak,
wanting and full of need .
My
mind lost my fears and all logic. In that instant, the only thing I
knew was that Tristan was with me and I’m in his arms and
nothing else mattered. His scent lingered, making me
intoxicated—engulfing me in a flame of passion. Very slowly, he
brushed his lips behind my ear all the way into my neck, delicately
tracing them up all the way to my chin. He quickly found my lips. He
pressed them with his, soft and gentle. As soon as his lips touched
mine, I was delirious. The warmth of his body and the coolness and
taste of his mouth, made me incoherent. I merged myself completely
into him—letting go, feeling and giving everything without
hesitation. My hands began to entangle in his hair, and his, was
slowly moving from my waist up. The anticipation was seductive,
agonizing and simply euphoric.
“
No,”
he began to softly say, almost a faint whisper. But there was nothing
in his actions that said otherwise. I ignored the inconsistency of
his words. He kissed me
passionately
once again, this time stronger. His hands began to pull the loose
sleeve of my gown. My shoulders were bare. His eyes burned in
yearning. His hunger was desperate.
Caught
up in the exhilaration of the moment, I responded, kissing him
deeper, and an electricity rippled through me. The surge of passion
was instant and electrifying. I drowned myself in the sea of all my
emotions.
“
No,”
he protested again. His voice, rougher this time. There was a clear
conflict in
his
tone and actions. But my mind couldn’t simply comprehend the
words. The
passion
lingered for a while in a beautiful fog of chaos in my head.
Then,
he abruptly pushed me away with agonizing effort, even though, his
physical strength was indisputable. Both hands locked me in place
away from him, while confusion continued settling in me. He closed
his eyes rigid, tightened his jaws. His body stiffened while he
struggled for the words.
“
I
can’t be with you in this way,” gasping for breath at
each word—like each uttered word were heavy boulders. I was
completely thrown off balance as I try to juggle the words
consciously up in the air. I waited for something to click in my head
or a recognizable reaction from him.
And
after a few nerve wracking seconds, he opened his eyes, now in agony
while he stared at mine. The pain and expression I saw was
Indescribable. Once again, I saw the familiar flame that ignited—the
burning desire, passion and love, with more intensity of heat than
ever in his eyes—blazing wildly—violently.
I
found myself drowning in the mysteries right in front of me. He sat
down at the edge of the bed, still gasping. I sat next to him
automatically, still unable to comprehend what happened. It took
awhile before I heard his voice.
“
I
want you more than I can bare!” He can barely utter the
words—almost a pleading—an agony.
His
hands curled and balled up into fists to his sides. He looked away
with a clear pain and anger in his expression. My lips felt numb. My
ears burned in exhilaration, hearing words that seemed magical. His
words flooded me with so much love. Nothing in his actions or words
made any sense. An overwhelming mix of emotions raced through my
thoughts. The sudden changes in his tone and actions always confused
me…except for the only thing I felt at that moment.
“
It’s
okay, I want you, too,” my words, comforting, trying to make
sense of it all.
“
You
don’t understand…I feel…very…
human
,”
he sighed deep. As he said the word human, an anger started burning
inside me, rising from deep within, choking my heart.
Rejection
wrapped me in
agony as his actions and next words clicked in my head.
“
I
don’t care if you’re human or fallen, I don’t care
either way, I just want you! Is this what you’re trying to tell
me, that I’m only human, a stupid mortal and that you don’t
really want to be with me because…I’m not good
enough…and that…you hate…that you love me!”
My voice was brimming with hurt that I could hardly contain the brush
of fire of my pain.
“
There
are things you don’t know and things you don’t
understand,” he looked at me. His eyes pleaded for
understanding, but his voice was furious.
“
Then,
explain it to me,” I snapped. “I deserve to know
everything.” He stood up and walked toward the window—gazing
at nothing. His eyes were glassy and distant like the sea—dark
and deep as the ocean.
“
When
fallen angels become
attracted
to
humans the way I do with you…they begin
to
feel all the emotions as well as the physical attraction that humans
do, except
their
physical and emotional senses are heightened. It’s a long
process and it takes
years,
decades; these
changes
eventually make us susceptible and vulnerable. It took me a very long
time to fully feel all the physical vulnerability I have for you,
though the emotional side had happened rather quickly, I just wasn‘t
truly aware of it. When I started to
care
for
you and protect you from the dephils by erasing your
memories,
I became susceptible to these emotions but my powers were intact…but
when I fell in love with you, my susceptibility to humanly desires
and weaknesses became much stronger. My body can react like any
human/man would, and the longer I‘m with you, the stronger they
become and it takes time and conscious strength to channel all the
emotions that I was never accustomed to. Everything is new and I’m
still learning them.