Authors: Janice Hadden
I
stared at his eyes again, a vibrant color, almost translucent—an
emerald, kissed by the sun. I knew that being with me changes him in
depths I could only imagine. Everyday he feels the intensity of human
emotions and in many ways, I was glad that he is capable of so much
love, love that for whatever reason I cannot fathom, he felt for me—a
love, that is more intense and true than I had ever known. It was
very difficult for me to see it differently; to see it as a weakness
would be truly an injustice.
‘
I
only have weaknesses for you…it’s hardly fair,’
little did I know how literally true, those words were. And in more
ways I realized, I was more of a curse to him than, he is to me—that
being with me, opens him to the many weaknesses that goes against his
nature. I still find it hard to comprehend…how loving me, made
him susceptible to the intensity of human emotions…and that
being with me
physically
can
completely alter his being. The thoughts felt heavy in my chest.
“
What
are you thinking about?” Curiosity sparked in his eyes. He
stared at me
longer
without saying a word, waiting for an answer.
“Y
ou
are overly suspicious. That’s probably why it’s not
helping your mood. You need to learn how to relax a little,” I
almost laughed at my self. I sounded like I was talking to an old
man. He exhaled slowly. “Am I that difficult?” his fierce
expression, changing to somber. I half regretted my comment, but
decided he could handle a little truth.
“
Well,
don’t feel too bad. I have to admit, as much as this crazy side
of you drives me
insane,
I really love that about you—my voice faltered at the end. His
face lit.
“
I
could work on it, I suppose.”
“
We’ll
both work on it. I get a little crazy about you too…I guess it
comes with the territory.”
“
So…are
you going to tell me what’s on your mind?” he pressed. I
looked into his eyes flooded with so much warmth, I couldn’t
bare to lie. I guess, I’m guilty too, wanting to hide anything
that would hurt him in any way. So instead, I tried to pull out
another truth.
“
It’s
just…I was just thinking that, when you left…It would
seem that I have forgotten about you. But even if I couldn’t
remember, I still felt like I was missing something…someone. I
just didn’t know what it was or who. I guess what I’m
trying to say is that…I still felt the pain of losing you.”
He was silent for a moment, he seemed to weigh my words.
“
I’m
so sorry,” the depth of regret in his eyes was too deep.
“
No…I’m
not saying it to make you feel bad. I just wanted you to know that I
always loved you even when I couldn‘t
remember.”
I
didn’t know how long we’ve been there. Time stood still.
And as always, I was surprised to see the sun setting in for another
goodbye, It seemed too fast when I’m with Tristan.
It
had been more than a week, and whether I liked it or not, at some
point, I had to come back to my life. Although, a huge part of me
wished I didn’t have to. For one, I didn’t really know
what life would be without Tristan. I had called Steve every single
night and felt only guilty for leaving him alone, having to fend for
himself almost every night to prepare his own dinner.
Sam
was going to be another story. I’d promised full disclosure
about my whereabouts once I had come back. I had been very vague as
to where I’d been and what I’d been up to. I inhaled
deeply. I wasn’t sure still how much I could tell her. I hate
lying to people especially when I wanted to tell them everything
that‘s happened.
School
starts in a couple of days and a huge part of me felt too unprepared
to face and tackle what ever it was that was supposed to be my normal
life. But then, I decided that my normal life was so much less
threatening in comparison, and that I was pretty sure I could juggle
all of it and handle a few more months of high school.
A
s
we drove to my house, Tristan held my left hand. Passing all the
corners, I noticed the lights continued to turn green, and knew luck
had nothing to do with it. I smiled silently in my head, thinking of
all the times I had been stuck in traffic, how convenient his little
talent would have been.
The
porch light was on as we approached my house. The engine slowly died
and the quietness hovered between us. Steve was usually asleep by
this time, but I couldn’t be sure. He still worried about me. I
guess that will never change. And in a lot of ways, I counted that as
a blessing, I felt the same way about him. He knew I would be coming
home late and that I’d wake early to see him in the morning.
“
Will
you come in?” I whispered softly, unable to concentrate as much
as I wanted to, my mind side tracked by thoughts of
him
.
I tucked his hands in between mine. He smiled pleasantly and stared
at me for a brief second, his eyes beaming, as if somehow savoring
the moment. “Yes, If you would like me to. But is your dad
going to be okay with that?”
“
Well…we’ll
have to be quiet. Steve is a light sleeper.” I avoided
answering the question directly hoping he wouldn’t pursue it. I
didn’t know what the rules were, now that I’m eighteen,
but I can assume that inviting guys into my room was still out of the
question at this point. Though, it was more of a technicality issue.
I’ve had friends in my room and even Cash, but that was usually
as a group and usually never past midnight. It was a silent rule in
place.
I
twisted the key to open the door and locked it very quietly behind
us. I gestured for Tristan to go up the stairs silently. I tiptoed
making sure I didn’t make any noise myself. I looked behind me
and was utterly surprised to see Tristan’s feet glide so
smoothly up the steps without so much as an effort.
“
Impressive,”
I murmured softly. I locked the door behind us. It suddenly felt
strange having Tristan in my room—having him in my own personal
space. I clicked the remote to turn the television on to muffle our
voices. I wasn’t sure what channel or what program was on, as I
was now fixated on Tristan’s reaction which is unreadable at
the moment.
“
So,
do you like my room?” I asked, trying to break the silence that
suddenly surrounded us, and eager to share something of myself. I had
remembered that the last time he was here, everything was different
and he was saying goodbye.
“
It’s
nice. I see a lot of variations of shades here,” His face
scanned the walls, gazing at my bed, then focusing on the photographs
on my computer desk. His face lit brightly as if he was admiring
something so marvelous.
Suddenly,
I remembered that Tristan couldn’t see color. I felt a new wave
of pain wash over me. Even though I could easily ignore and pretend
that this one difference between us didn’t bother me, I felt a
squeeze of pain in my heart. Not only because Tristan and I didn’t
see the world the same way, but because his world were just all
shades of gray—no green trees, no colorful flowers, no
rainbow—the saddest world I’d ever pictured in my mind.
“
What‘s
wrong?” he asked before I could yank my thoughts away. I
decided not to share my dim thought. He didn’t need my pity.
“
It’s
just that I don’t want you to leave…pleeeaaase…can
you stay the night?…I don’t want to be…alone.”
“
I
don’t know…I don’t want to take a chance. It’s
better if I start keeping my distance…I don’t want to
fall into…” His face was…almost apologetic for
something that he clearly saw as a weakness.
“
Me
hard to resist?” My eyebrows raised.
“
I
promise, I’ll behave. I yanked him slowly in bed to sit, then
snatched a pair of old
purple
pajamas from my bottom drawers—unsure why I kept such a hideous
thing all these years. I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth,
slipped myself easily enough into my oversized pj’s, opened one
of the medicine cabinet and grabbed my favorite night mask. I
lathered a generous amount of mud colored goo all over my face.
After
I looked hideous enough, I slowly swung the door open. I raked the
room and found Tristan, who is now sitting comfortably in my bed, his
legs stretched and crossed, and his back against the headboard—his
hands behind his neck. His face warm. His eyes on me. He looked
absolutely breathtaking that I almost forgot—what I was about
to do.
Unrehearsed
at playing a seductress, especially looking hideous as I did, my
voice
felt
a little unsteady on my performance.
“
Am
I still irresistible?” I said provocatively as I paraded myself
and glided at the imaginary catwalk ending at the foot of the bed,
twisting and posing in front of him like I was in an amateur photo
shoot. He suddenly burst into an unrestrained laughter. I’ve
never heard him laugh this freely before. He laughed so hard, I was a
little worried, Steve would wake up.
“
I’m
just overly cautious, but I’m not that unrestrained either.
Obviously, If this is what you look like when you sleep,” he
swung his hand upward pointing at me—he curled his lips into a
smile. My arms automatically crossed in a teasing protest. But what
did I expect.
Suddenly,
in an invisible instant, he was on his feet holding my face. He
didn’t care that his hands were stuck in the green blob of a
mess, his voice serious now—all teasing gone.
“
Fortunately,
my attraction to you is more than physical…but that is why,
nothing will happen…because my love for you has grown more
than any desire I have,” his eyes deep—his voice full of
passion.
I
was silent. I almost fell apart at his words. All the planning of
restraint in my head disappeared in that instant. It almost felt
painful to detach myself from him. But I had to. I went back in the
bathroom, feeling the weight of his words. I felt extra ordinary,
like I was the luckiest person in the world. It felt too ironic to
realize how Tristan viewed everything so differently. He always felt
like he was a curse in my life rather than the most excellent gift I
could ever have, or anybody could ever have—why out of all the
people in the universe would I be this fortunate to find love in
someone who had crossed the boundaries of heaven and earth and of
distance and time, and defied the barriers of good and evil to be
with me…not by choice or logic or anything else, but somehow
by fate…fate that is now so uncertain.
Would
life be this cruel to take away the love that I didn’t search
for?
—
love,
I didn’t know could ever be possible in this life or any other
life—and the love I didn’t know
existed
until now.
I
knew that there are bigger things than both of us, and maybe in the
larger scheme of things, we were irrelevant. But I have to believe
that he matters, that I mattered. I gasped at the uncertainty of our
future. I drenched my face with water, feeling the coolness take away
the mask until all traces were gone.
I
blinked at the face in front of me. I felt overwhelmed by the face
that is now staring back. Of how plain she looked. No one extra
ordinary. Just a human girl that lived among the many. Nothing about
me was spectacular. Nothing about me deserved to meet someone so
amazing and wonderful—and someone who literally, is out of this
world.
I
decided to put on a moisturizer and tied my hair up. I twisted myself
back to the room and stopped briefly to stare at his face, admiring
the beauty that is beneath the layers of his physical appearance—the
courage and strength that came from the suffering he endured despite
being in the darkness where he once were, the kindness—all so
much more beautiful than the outside.
He
met my eyes and swept his hand on top of the bed for me to join him.
I smiled brightly and jumped in bed like an ecstatic toddler. I
immediately cradled myself in his arms, feeling lost in the security
I found. I could never get used to it. It could never be enough. All
of him.
He
kissed the side of my head gently. My breathing accelerated. I felt
overwhelmed by all the emotions I was feeling. His scent did little
to ease my self control. But despite the irresistible pull that is
impossible for me to resist, I knew too well the cost of even one
night with him. I loved him too much to risk—him. Us.
Everything. I turned my head away from him, trying to get away from
his too addicting scent and all the emotions that filled all of me. I
concentrated hard on my breathing—long—endless—and
finally it slowed.