Change of Heart (13 page)

I missed Bram so badly that it made me nauseous.

But I refused to cry about it. Instead, I stomped down the anger and hurt until it festered like a sickness in my stomach.

Having a family was my dream for as long as I could remember. It was something that would be distinctly mine. A family that I could mold and lead in the exact opposite way my mother had. When I'd agreed to the hysterectomy, that dream seemed dead but I hadn't let myself mourn it. I'd pushed it deep down into the recesses of my mind and carried on. Just like I did with everything else that I'd lost. Just like I was doing with Bram.

Growing up in the system meant that I rarely had anything that belonged to me alone. Sure, I had a backpack full of stuff that I'd managed to take from home to home until I'd aged out, but the bedrooms I'd lived in were never decorated especially for me. I'd never had my own bike. My clothes had always been hand-me-downs, and my coats almost always came from the coat drives that a mattress store in Portland had every year.

When I grew up, I knew that I would never live like that again. That's why I'd bought a house instead of renting one. Why I'd paid for my car in cash once I'd saved up enough money. Why I didn't shop at thrift stores or vintage shops.

I shook my head as I climbed out of my Toyota, stretching my arms up high. I'd been working long hours to make sure everything was ready for the temp to come in, and I was tired as hell. I'd been talking to Bethy almost every day, and it seemed like she'd be having the baby soon, which meant that I slept so light waiting for a phone call that, when I woke up in the morning, I didn't even feel rested.

My phone rang in my front shirt pocket, and I almost dropped it on the pavement as I scrambled to answer it.

“Hello,” I said, disappointed.

“Sorry, I know you're waiting for a call,” Trevor said, chuckling. “Just wondering if you wanted some company. I'll make dinner.”

“If you're cooking, you can come over anytime,” I answered, smiling as I walked to the front door.

“Okay, good. I'm here.”

I turned as Trevor's truck pulled in behind me and parked.

“You ass!” I called out, laughing as he climbed down from the cab. “What if I'd said no?”

“You'd never say no to dinner,” he called back with a smug smile.

I unlocked the door while Trev unloaded the groceries, then left it open behind me as I went into the house.

I'd been trying to get things fixed up as much as I could, and the entire place was looking better than it had since I'd bought it. Furniture and a baby swing in the living room, a table and chairs I'd found on clearance in the kitchen, and baby paraphernalia anywhere I could store it.

It finally looked like a home instead of somewhere I crashed when I had nothing else going on.

“Place is looking good,” Trev said, echoing my thoughts as I followed him into the kitchen.

“Thanks. It's a work in progress.”

“Who knew getting a baby would put a fire under your ass?”

“Who knew I'd ever have a baby?” I chuckled.

“Eh, I knew you would eventually,” he said quietly, emptying ingredients for tacos all over my countertop. “Wasn't sure how you'd do it, but I knew you would.”

“Really?” I asked in surprise, grabbing a soda out for each of us. “I didn't.”

Trev nodded, pulling out the ground beef and a frying pan. “Tunes?”

“Sure.” I turned on the stereo on my kitchen counter.

“So, yeah,” Trev said. “I always figured you'd be a mom. Get me a spatula? You love kids, and you've always said you wanted a family.”

“Yeah, but after this hysterectomy stuff—”

“There's more than one way to skin a cat.”

“Ew!” My face twisted. “Why the fuck would anyone skin a cat?”

“Shut up,” Trev chuckled. “Adoption is a good choice.”

I was silent for a few moments. “Did you ever look for your parents?”

Trev glanced at me in surprise. “You worried about that? Wait. Get a knife. You can help me cut shit up while I'm spilling my guts.”

He set me up with a couple tomatoes and a cutting board before going back to browning the meat. “Yes,” he said with a slow nod. “When I was nineteen, I looked them up. I probably shouldn't have.”

I glanced at him but didn't say anything.

“My dad was fine. Had a family with his wife and wasn't interested in anything I had to say.”

“Ouch,” I replied, slicing through a tomato.

“Eh. I got it. I have parents.” He shrugged. “I didn't need him for anything, more just curious, you know?”

I nodded.

“My mom was dead.”

“Oh, shit.” The knife in my hand slipped, nearly taking off the end of my finger.

“Whoa, careful,” Trev warned. “Yeah, she overdosed when I was fourteen.”

“Do you ever wish—” I stuttered, shaking my head. “I feel like I'm stealing their baby or something.”

“Seriously?” he asked incredulously.

“I don't know. It's just—she's my little sister. Like, what if this isn't what she wants to do and I become this monster that takes her baby?”

“She called you, right?” he asked, draining a can of olives.

“Yeah.”

“And the dad is out of the picture?”

“No, I think he's around. But he's like sixteen.”

“Look, you have to—” He paused as if gathering his thoughts. “She came to you, Ani. She wants you to raise her baby because she's not ready to do it herself. That doesn't make you the bad guy. That makes you the lucky guy.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“The baby isn't going to resent you,” he said gently, draining the hamburger grease into the empty olive can. “Being adopted—shit. At first, yeah, maybe you might get into fights with him. Okay? Like around thirteen when he wants to go shoot paintball but he got a bad grade so he's grounded. He's going to say shit that breaks your heart. But underneath all that? You
chose
him, Ani. He wasn't an accident or a mistake. You actually chose to take him in and make him yours. He'll know that.”

“Did you do that stuff?” I asked, my eyes watering.

“I was an asshole,” he said with a snicker. “But probably not as bad as Henry.”

“I'm just nervous.”

“I think that's probably normal.”

“What if she changes her mind?” I murmured, sticking some tortillas into the microwave.

“Then you won't be a mom yet. Yet, Ani. Because you will be. If not this baby, then the next one. Or maybe you'll adopt a five-year-old. Who knows? But you'll have a family. I'm sure of that.”

“Thanks, Trev.” I smiled at him and grabbed a couple plates out of a cupboard.

Trevor always seemed to get to the heart of the matter, but he didn't bullshit me. He never had. When I talked to him, I always had the feeling that he was going to tell me something I didn't want to hear, but by the end of the conversation, I'd feel better about whatever we'd talked about.

“So, Bram,” he said as we sat down at my new table.

“Shit, I'm going to need booze for this,” I bitched, standing up to get us a couple beers out of the fridge.

“What happened?” he asked as I sat back down.

“He doesn't want kids,” I answered simply.

“And?”

“And he dropped me when I said that I was adopting Bethy's baby.”

“That's it?”

“That's it,” I replied with a nod. “He hasn't talked to me in two weeks.”

“What an idiot.”

I just shrugged my shoulders. It was what it was. Did I want to be with Bram? Yes. Did I want to be with Bram if he had one foot out the door? No way in hell.

“Are you hoping he changes his mind?” Trev asked, watching me closely.

“Do you think he will?” I asked, holding my breath.
Maybe I should hold out. Maybe I should—

“I don't think so, sweetheart,” Trev said gently, making the air rush out of my lungs in a whoosh. “Bram's always said he didn't want kids. He's adamant about it.”

“Yeah,” I said under my breath, fiddling with the taco that was falling apart on my plate.

“I know that Katie waited for Shane,” Trev said, leaning forward to rest his elbows on the table. “And it worked out for them. But I'm not sure that waiting for Bram to get his head out of his ass will ever give you the results you want.”

“It's okay to not want kids,” I murmured, not meeting Trevor's eyes. “Lots of people don't want kids.”

“True,” Trev said, nodding. “But Bram's good with kids. He likes kids. His absolute refusal to ever even discuss having some of his own just doesn't fit. Not that I think he'll change his mind. I just think there's probably more going on there than just not being interested in being a parent.”

“Why didn't you become a shrink?” I asked teasingly. “You seem to notice shit other people wouldn't think twice about.”

“I like playing with wood,” he teased back, flexing one large bicep.

“Yeah,
your
wood,” I snickered.

“That too.”

I laughed hard at the smirk on his face.

“You'll do good, Ani,” he said after my laughter had died down.

“Yeah. I got this,” I replied with a nod.

That night, as I lay in my bed, I put my thoughts of Bram to rest. Trevor was right. He was always right.

For whatever reason, Bram didn't want kids, and I did. Eventually, it would have come down to that fact, and we would have broken up anyway. I was lucky that I hadn't been in any deeper with him.

At least that's what I told myself.

And I kept telling myself that for the next three days as I passed him in our small office every day at work. Our breakup had been inevitable.

I almost believed it.

I
was drunk.

Again.

I knew that I should be out doing something. Hell, it would have been less pathetic if I were out at the bar getting drunk, but I wasn't. I was sitting on my leather couch in front of the TV, drinking beer like it was water.

My phone started ringing somewhere in between the cushions, but I ignored it. I was too lazy to search for the damn thing. I breathed a sigh of annoyance when it stopped ringing and then started up again. I didn't look away from the TV or set my beer down as I pushed my other hand into the cushions, finally dragging the phone out.

“Hello, Alexander,” I answered.

“Why aren't you answering your phone?” my twin bitched.

“I just did.”

“I've been calling you for two days.”

“What's up?” I grabbed the remote and shut the TV off, leaning my head back on the couch.

“Look, I was giving you time to get your shit together—”

“What shit?” I cut in.

“I know you and Ani broke up. Hard not to notice that shit when I was there—but I thought you'd have fixed it by now.”

“Nothing to fix,” I replied, digging my fingers into my eye sockets. Shit, I was tired.

“She loves you—”

“No she doesn't. It wasn't like that.”

“And you love her, you idiot.”

“Nope.”

“Stop being an asshole,” Alex snapped.

“Did you seriously call me to bust my balls? Because I'm in the middle of something.”

“I know you're sitting on the couch watching reality TV and drinking beer,” Alex said drily, making me sit up and look blearily around the house.
How the hell?

“Actually, I'm at the bar,” I argued, sitting up straighter.

“No you're not,” Alex scoffed.

“What do you need, Alex?” I said, pushing myself to my feet. I needed to get to bed. I was tired as hell. Who knew that avoiding your office manager was so much fucking work?

“You're being an idiot,” Alex said, sighing. “Why are you so hell-bent on not having kids?”

“Just don't want them,” I mumbled, trudging up the stairs to my room.

“Really? That's your answer?”

“That's all I've got.”

“And you're willing to give up Ani so you don't have to have any?” he asked gently.

“It's already done, brother,” I told him, stripping out of my jeans and crawling into bed.

“You'd be a really great dad, Bram. You know that, right?”

“Probably not, but that's irreverent—irrevelant—irrelevant.”

“Jesus Christ, you're plastered.”

“Had a few beers,” I slurred, starting to fall asleep.

“She's not going to wait for you, man. The longer you wait, the less chance you have of getting her back.”

“Don't want her back.”

“Bullshit,” Alex growled in frustration. “I'm not talking to you like this. Call me when you're fucking sober.”

“All right, good talk,” I said, tossing the phone on the bed before completely passing out.

“Good morning, good morning!” Trevor called cheerfully the next day as I was climbing out of my truck. My head was pounding, even after three ibuprofen, so I shut my door carefully, wincing as Trevor slammed his.

“Hey,” I said quietly, scratching at my beard.

“Rough morning?”

“Late night.”

“Oh, yeah? Where'd you go?” Trev asked as he walked beside me to the front door of our office.

“Bar in town.”

“Oh, yeah?” he chuckled, looking at me sideways. He went in the office ahead of me and I cursed under my breath. I didn't need Trevor putting in his two cents, too. I vaguely remembered the conversation with Alex the night before, and he'd been all up in my business, I didn't need any more bullshit.

“I was in Portland,” I called as I stepped in behind him. “That's why you didn't—”

My words cut off sharply as Trev turned toward me, and I caught sight of Ani.

She looked good. She looked so goddamn beautiful.

Her short hair was pulled back in two tiny pigtails by her neck, and she was wearing a light blue shirt that clung in all the right places.

“Hey, Bram,” she said. “You look like shit.”

“You look gorgeous,” I replied without thought, my mouth snapping shut as soon as the words were out.
Fuck.

“She does,” Trev said, smirking. “New haircut?”

“Shut up, Trev,” Ani replied, elbowing him in the gut.

“I've got shit to do,” I said, moving around them to get to my office.

“Hey, Bram?” Her voice was tentative, and I hated it. Ani was bitchy. She didn't take anyone's shit, and she was never fucking nervous.

“What's up?” I asked, turning as Trevor passed me, giving me a slap on the shoulder.

“It doesn't have to be weird,” Ani said, a little of her attitude showing as she put her hands on her hips. “You're making it weird.”

“
I'm
making it weird?” Yeah, I was making it weird. I hadn't had sex in two weeks, and even as she spoke, I was imagining how I'd bend her over the desk and pull her jeans over her ass so I could fuck her from behind. I wasn't sure how I could ever not be weird around her when I knew I'd never fuck her again no matter how many times I imagined it.

“Yeah. You can talk to me, you know. Say hi, fuck you, where's my paperwork from the mill,
anything
.”

“I don't want kids—” I blurted, making her eyes narrow.

“Are you shitting me right now—”

“But if I did, they'd be with you,” I finished quietly, making her shoulders slump.

“That doesn't really mean anything,” she snapped. “God, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“I just wanted you to know—”

“What, Bram?” she said sharply. “You just wanted me to know that you love me? Is that what this is?”

I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Did I love her? Probably. I'd probably loved her before we'd ever started sleeping together.

“It doesn't fucking
matter
,” she hissed, dropping her hands to her sides. “I have a baby waiting to be born. Okay? I'm adopting a baby, and that's not changing. So I
will
be a parent. The end.”

“Ani,” I murmured as she reached up to wipe at her face.

“Stop it,” she cried. “Just stop, okay? You made me choose, and I didn't choose you.”

I rocked back on my heels, feeling like I'd been punched in the chest.

“Can we just be friends?” she said tiredly, shaking her head. “Can we just—I don't know. I just want to go back to normal.”

“So sniping at each other over dinner and bitching at each other at work?” I asked, my entire body tightening as she wrapped her arms around herself.

“Yeah, Bram.”

“Fine.” I spun and walked toward my office without another word.

What had I expected, that she'd just change her mind because I loved her? I hadn't even said it, she had.

I'd never thought about loving Ani. It had never been a conscious decision that I'd made. Somehow it had morphed into that though. I'd always cared about her, and it probably would have taken months for me to figure out if we hadn't stopped seeing each other. But now that I didn't have her? I knew I loved her.

Shit.

I sat down at my desk and tried to focus on the bids in front of me.

“Hey, Bram?” Ani called softly from the door to my office an hour later.

Her face looked like she'd been crying, and I had to fist my hands on my lap to keep from rounding the desk to get to her.

“Yeah?” I asked, my heart thumping hard in my chest.

“If”—she drew out the word, looking down at her feet before her eyes rose to me again—“if you changed your mind?” She bit the inside of her cheek and I wanted her to stop. Just stop what she was doing.

I didn't want to see her like that. Begging. I didn't want her fucking humbling herself in front of me. I broke up with her. If I decided to grovel, that's what I should do, but it pissed me off that she was acting like every other woman I'd ever known. Making herself weaker for me.
No.

“Stop talking,” I ordered, getting to my feet. My anger was irrational and overwhelming.

“If you wanted to change your mind, I'd—”

“Get the fuck out of my office,” I yelled, the words burning my throat.

A sob left her as she startled, and her eyes met mine for just a second before she ran. A few seconds later, I heard the bells ring as she completely left the building.

“You stupid motherfucker,” Trevor hissed as I dropped back down into my chair, staring blankly at the papers on my desk.

“Get out of here, Trev,” I mumbled, reaching up to smooth my beard.

“She just—”

“I mean it, Trev. Get the fuck out of here.”

“You don't deserve her, you fucking prick,” Trevor snarled, stepping farther into my office. “I get it, man! You don't want kids. Fucking good for you.”

“I'm not doing this with you,” I warned, pushing to my feet again.

“
Ani
just came in here, handing you another chance, practically begging—”

“You think I want her begging?” I bellowed, my chest heaving.

“You want her!” Trev yelled back, looking at me like I was an idiot. “What the fuck are you so afraid of?”

“I don't want kids!”

“Nice excuse, fucker. Now why don't you cut the bullshit?”

“I'm done,” I said quietly, shaking my head. I reached forward and scooped the paperwork on my desk into a pile, stuffing it back into a file folder.

“Ani's not like Kate,” Trev said after a moment.

“Obviously.”

“Kate gave Shane a million chances, and thankfully he finally got his shit together.”

“What's your fucking point?” I snapped, picking up my thermos and wallet from my desk drawer.

“Ani just gave you another chance, man, which surprised the fuck outta me,” Trev huffed and shook his head. “She's not going to give you another one.”

He turned and walked out of my office without another word.

“Fuck,” I yelled, throwing my thermos so hard against the wall that it put a huge hole in the Sheetrock.

I hated that she'd come in here making my day go to shit and my head throb. I hated that Trevor saw through me. I hated that I couldn't go home because I had actual work to do.

I hated that I was so fucked up that I'd given her an ultimatum, essentially asking her to give up her happiness for mine, and she was still looking at me like she loved me.

My phone rang late that night, pulling me from a restless sleep. “Mom, is everything okay?”

“It's time, Bram,” she sang happily. “Get up. We need to get to Seattle.”

“What?” I sat up in bed, trying to wake myself up. Seattle?

“Ani's baby is on its way.”

“Oh, uh—”

“Abraham Daniel,” Mom said sharply, making me silently groan. She and Dad had changed my and Alex's middle names when they adopted us—with our permission—and whenever she used it I knew she meant business. “This is what we do. When someone in this family is having a baby, we go to the hospital.”

“Not sure that's a good idea, Mom,” I said quietly, even as I climbed out of bed.

“Son,” she sighed, “I don't know why you're so adamant about this, but I'll respect it.”

“Thank you.”

“But if you don't go meet Ani's new son or daughter, you'll never forgive yourself, and neither will she.”

I swallowed hard.

“I'm on my way. Give me fifteen.”

“Good boy.” She hung up, and I tossed my phone on the bed, going to my dresser to grab some clean clothes.

When I got to my Mom and Dad's, every light in the house was on, and Uncle Mike's truck was in the driveway.

“Oh, good, you're here. Let's go!” my mom called as I opened the front door. I took a step back onto the porch as the entire family came pouring out of the house. Uncle Mike and Aunt Ellie, my dad, Trevor, and Ani, and then my mom, locking the front door behind her.

“I'll ride with Ani,” Mom announced.

“Me too.” Aunt Ellie gave Uncle Mike a kiss and then headed toward Ani's SUV.

“Catch you on the flip side,” Ani said to Trevor, her voice shaking.

“You're going to do great,” he assured her, pulling her into a tight hug.

She passed me on the porch on her way to the car but didn't look my way once. I almost reached out to stop her, but I met Trev's eyes and fisted my hands by my sides instead.

“I'm going to take my truck so I can drive back down in the morning,” Trev said.

“I'll ride with you,” Mike replied, walking away.

“Looks like it's me and you,” my dad said. “Take my truck?”

I nodded and followed him to his truck, climbing into the passenger seat.

The ride was long as we followed Ani all the way up to Seattle. Dad was quiet as we listened to country music playing from his stereo, and I was really glad for that. I wasn't sure I could choke out anything resembling actual words. My hands were sweating so badly that I left a damp spot on the thighs of my jeans by the time we arrived at the hospital, and by the time we parked the truck, I was shaking.

“Hey,” my dad called as he opened his door, but I stayed rooted to my seat, not even bothering to take my seat belt off. “You okay?”

“Yep.” I nodded jerkily, staring at the cement wall in front of the truck.

He shut his door again and leaned back on the seat, shooing someone away from his window with a shake of his head.

“You wanna tell me why you're pretending to be a statue?”