Let me tell you, shopping for maternity clothes isn’t like regular shopping. There is no joy in finding cute clothes, because they don’t exist unless you’re willing to pay an arm and a leg for them. Sticking to my own funds, I opted to shop in secondhand stores and my biggest delight was in finding pants that looked like jeans but had a big elastic panel in the front to support my belly. As long as I wore a baggy top I could look reasonably normal, but I felt as wide as a house on some days. Even my feet grew a size bigger. What was that about?
Without the constant nausea and fatigue, I got bitten by the nesting bug big time. I had to look that up, by the way. Apparently the mother is inspired to ready her “nest” in preparation for the coming baby. What that translated into for me was some serious spring cleaning. Poor Nelo, I kept him hopping with all the special chores. We’re talking everything from toothbrushes on the grout to taking down the drapes to wash them until my apartment gleamed.
And baking. I’d always been lousy at baking, but I had the biggest cravings for baked goods and I finally got the hang of it after a lot of trial and error. I know, eating for two wasn’t a license to eat my weight in cookies, but I didn’t like to sit idly for very long and I seemed to not need as much sleep as soon as the second trimester hit me. I gave away more than I ate and the guys at work got used to me showing up for my shift with a plate of something most nights.
I didn’t see much of either Sam or Daphne, and I ended up hanging out with Luz or Parker a lot when I didn’t have to work. From the snippets of conversation I picked up when we touched bases, I gathered they were living firmly in the land of denial, pretending the course they were on couldn’t end in anything but hearts and flowers.
I finally managed to wrangle them both for a night of Totally Awesome Tuesday movies and snacks, and I’d decided to make it Hunger Games themed (minus the hunger), since that’s what I had from Netflix. I went all out with outlandish snacks inspired by the movie and recipes I found online. Nelo seemed very interested in the cheese tartlets, and I let him sample a little preview with Mimsy who became his very best friend the moment he sat down with it.
“It finally happened!” Daphne gushed, the moment she got to my place. Cheeks bright with color, she looked about ready to explode with good news.
“What happened?”
“You know…” She gave me a meaningful look, but I had no clue what she meant at all.
“You’re gonna have to throw me a bone here. Is it bigger than a bread basket?”
“Sam and I…” she beamed, plopping down on the couch, completely ignoring the elegant buffet I’d laid out on the breakfast bar.
“Sam and you…” I waved her on, and then I got it. “Oh. You mean Sam and you… are dirty sinners?” I couldn’t help but tease.
“Shut up, it’s not a sin.” She smacked my knee with a laugh. “We’re in love, that makes it okay.”
I wasn’t so sure about that in God’s books, but I didn’t want to argue the point. “Wow, that’s… wow.” I admit, I didn’t think they’d ever take
the step
, not with Sam knowing what the consequences could be. Then again, they weren’t married like Adam had been when his wife was killed. Maybe nothing bad would happen?
“I know, right?” Whatever their actions might bring, Daphne obviously didn’t want to dwell on them, too giddy with happiness.
“When did this happen?”
“Last night. I still can’t really believe it happened, it was so unexpected.”
“So, um, how was it?” Not that I wanted details, but she seemed to want to talk about it.
“It was wonderful,” she sighed, leaning back against the couch. “Well… I mean, at first he was a little like Bambi with new legs on ice, but after a while, he definitely got the hang of it.”
“Okay, that’s maybe more information than I needed to know.” I took a cooling sip of iced tea to wash away that mental image. “But um… so now you two are…
together,
together?”
“Definitely.”
I listened to her talk about the future with absolute faith in their love. It was sweet, but part of me couldn’t help but think it wasn’t that simple. Unable to keep from snacking, I dug into the spread while she chatted, and I was on my second trip to the breakfast bar when I noticed the time. Sam should have been there a long time ago.
I sent him a quick text while I refilled my glass.
Where r u?
I hovered by the by the snacks while I waited for a response.
Nothing.
Finally, Daphne’s stomach gave a rumble and she looked at the clock. “OMG, I didn’t realize it was getting so late. No wonder I’m starving,” she grinned, hopping up to buffet. “I wonder what’s keeping Sam?”
“I wish I knew.” Or I wished I didn’t know, because I had definite ideas percolating in the back of my brain.
“I’ll try texting him,” she replied, fingers flying over the keyboard, and I hoped she had better luck than I did. As the minutes ticked by, Daphne started to lose some of her good mood, and despite her rumbly tummy, she didn’t eat much of the food on her plate. “Mercy… do you think something bad could have happened to him?” she asked at length.
“No, nothing happened to him,” I said confidently, feeling in my gut I would have known if he was in trouble thanks to our shared Grace. “Why don’t we go ahead and start the movie though? You know Sam, he gets easily distracted. He’s probably holed up with one of his books and forgot about the time.” I don’t know why I made excuses for him, I just knew she needed to hear it at the time. Mollified by my thin assurances, Daphne settled in to watch the movie, but I found myself distracted.
Could Sam have freaked out and skipped town without saying goodbye?
By the end of the movie, I had a pretty good idea I wasn’t going to like the answer to that question. Daphne was still in her bubble of happiness though, and I refused to be the one to burst it. Instead I hugged her goodbye, put away my leftovers, ate my fifth cookie of the day and then stepped out into the night sky.
I’d definitely started to prefer traveling by flight than by driving. I didn’t even worry if anyone could see me anymore. I had the imperceptibility down pat without sparing it much thought. Besides, it saved me a fortune on gas.
That night I had one destination in mind. I didn’t bother to call him, via cellphone or otherwise, I
knew
he wouldn’t appear. I only hoped I wasn’t too late, but Sam didn’t feel distant the same way Adam did. I kept myself dim as I entered his apartment building through the main entrance (I was way too clumsy and awkward with my pregnant belly to manage trying the bedroom window the way most angels seemed to prefer). It wasn’t in the best part of town, and even though I didn’t have anything to fear from most people anymore, I didn’t feel like slowing down to deal with anyone who got in my way. I had bigger fish to fry.
Sam’s front door was unlocked, as usual, and I felt myself holding onto a breath as I entered, relieved when I saw his messy blonde curls tilt up at me. He didn’t look all that surprised to see me, and went back to the task of carefully packing up his books without saying anything. Even when he hid from me before he never packed up his books. Whatever he had planned, it looked permanent.
“What the hell is this?” I demanded, slamming his door shut, but he barely flinched at all.
“I can’t watch movies with you tonight, Mercy. Something of far more import has come up.”
“Yeah, I heard all about it,” I muttered, trying to figure out what was different about him. It was more than the lack of his usual open smile. Sam looked… harder. Maybe that’s the wrong word, I don’t know, but it made me nervous.
“Then you know why I have to leave,” he said simply, continuing to ignore me for the most part, utterly focused on preserving his precious books.
“No, I don’t,” I said, my eyes narrowing. “Why don’t you explain it to me? Or better yet, explain it to Daphne, who is off in fantasy land expecting you to turn up at her door any moment now.”
“I can’t stay now that I’ve… sullied what we had. I can’t risk her life by continuing it.”
“Sullied?” Ugh, trust an angel to have guilt issues with sex. I guess it made sense, it being his first time and forbidden and all. “That’s one way of putting it. Maybe you should have thought about that before you slept with her.”
Sam’s head came up and he threw me a pained look. “I didn’t mean to!”
“Oh, someone put a gun to your head, is that it?” I fired right back at him. “Grow up, Sam. You made a big boy decision, now you need to stay and live with the consequences.”
“If I leave now she’ll be safe.” Sam went back to his packing, utterly convinced in the sincerity of his words. “Adam had many one night stands with women and there were never any reprisals.”
I pushed away the image of Adam with his bevy of bimbos. “He wasn’t in love with any of them. You care about Daphne, don’t you?”
“You know I do. We would not be in this difficulty if I had not allowed myself to experience these feelings for her.”
“What makes you think she’ll be fine if you leave?”
“I can’t stay with her now. It would be too difficult.”
“Anything worthwhile is. I feel like I keep having the same conversation over and over with you people. When are you going to get it through your skulls that she won’t be any safer with you gone?”
“I have no choice in the matter.”
“Yes, you do. You have a world full of choices, this is just the easiest one. And the stupidest, by the way.” I waited for a rebuttal, but Sam ignored me, reaching for the packing tape. “Then you don’t care what this does to her at all?”
“Daphne will recover soon enough. Better she suffer this heartache now and live to love another.”
“Easy for you to say, you don’t have to be here to pick up the pieces. Tear filled nights wondering what she’s done wrong to drive you away. She’ll be devastated.”
“Don’t project your own abandonment issues onto our relationship,” he said coldly and I felt like I’d been slapped in the face. This was a new Sam, and I didn’t care for the change very much.
“I thought you were different.”
“I’m just a man, same as any other.”
“You’re supposed to be better than that.” Didn’t he see that?
“I’m not.”
I met his gaze for long moments and I was the first one to look away. “Alright, obviously there’s no point in trying to talk you out of this, you’ve made your decision. Are you at least going to say goodbye to her?”
“I’ve written her a letter there on the counter,” he nodded his head towards the kitchen. “I’d consider it a favor if you took it to her. I’ll mail it otherwise.”
What was it with angels and goodbye letters? Were they all a big bunch of cowards on the inside? I wasn’t sure I felt much like granting him any favors, but I didn’t want to prolong Daphne’s worry either. If it was his final decision, she deserved to know as soon as possible.
“In time you’ll understand my decision. In time you may come to realize certain truths about the world we live in and our role in it.”
“Call it what you want, but I won’t understand your decision to act like a douche,” I muttered, picking up the folded letter, sticking it in my pocket.
“I don’t understand.” His forehead puckered in confusion, and for a half second I had my Sam back - slightly clueless, utterly adorable, not a mean bone in his body. But in the next instant, he dismissed the question, his mind weighted with other matters.
“I guess this is goodbye then,” I sighed. There didn’t seem to be anything else to say. Sam left his books to come stand before me and I hated the solemn way we faced each other.
“Goodbye, Mercy. This won’t be the last time we see each other, trust in that.”
“If you leave like this you’d better have a damn good ice breaker then next time you show up.” Part of me wanted to hate him for taking the coward’s way out, but part of me was sadder than I could say at the prospect of losing him from my life too. I didn’t want the last things I said to him to be in anger, and I wrapped my arms around him in a big hug. After a moment’s hesitation I felt his arms encircle me as well. “Goodbye, Sam. I’ll miss you bunches.”
“I’ll miss you too. Tell her… tell her I’m sorry,” he whispered into my hair. “And I hope she forgets me soon.”
Not damn likely.
Chapter Ten
“Men suck.” In a crummy mood, I set down the row of shot glasses with too much gusto, spilling nearly half the contents. Swearing under my breath, I picked up the bottle to top them off.
“We do.” Parker agreed without skipping a beat, reaching over to swab up the counter with a rag. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the little smirk on his lips, clearly amused by whatever had my panties in a bunch. “What do we suck for, by the way? I feel like I should know.”
“First Adam, now Sam… one moment you’re all, ‘you’ll never find a man who loves you more than I do,’ and ‘I’ll never leave you, I swear,’ and the next moment you’re gone without so much as a phone call. What is it about sex that scrambles a man’s brains like that? Is it genetically coded behavior or is there like an orientation you all have to attend?”
I’d already filled him in on the basics of Sam’s departure and he’d seen Daphne crying in her beer on the couple of nights I’d dragged her into the club to try and cheer her up. With my cocktail of pregnancy hormones, all it took was the tiniest shine of tears in her eyes and I was right there bawling with her. So far Parker had given us a wide berth, but he seemed in a sympathetic mood that night.
“I gotta say I never would have pegged Sam for a douchey move like that,” he offered, opening a new bottle of tequila for me.
“I know, right?” I’m not sure what threw me into such a crappy mood that night. Nothing new happened to set me off in particular, but there’s nothing like watching skeezy guys trying to hit on women all night to reinforce your opinion on the suckiness of some men.
“At least I’ve been up front with women,” Parker shrugged. “I don’t make promises I can’t keep. What they see is what they get, I make no bones about being shallow.”