Cloud Walking (A Find You in the Dark novella) (10 page)

     God, it sucked to be right all the time.  I
knew
Danny would crush my heart.  And darned if I wasn't right.  He had ripped it right out of my chest and smashed it on the floor.    Fall Formal had been a complete and utter disaster.  What an idiot I had been in thinking it was the chance for Daniel and me to really be together. 

     I should have known he'd always yo-yo back to Kylie.  He did each and every time.  Why had I been surprised?  We seemed to have been playing this song and dance for so long already and my part was firmly laid out. 

     My aside would read,
The love struck best friend stands on the sidelines, watching the happy couple go off together.  Her face crumbles as she realizes she never had a chance.

     Daniel had been blowing up my phone since I had left the dance.  I had gotten a ride with Ray and Claire.  I hadn't even bothered to tell Danny I was leaving.  Especially considering the last time I had seen him, he and Kylie were having quite the reconciliation.  I had known instantly where that was heading and I didn't want to be left there, ditched and humiliated.

     Particularly after Maggie had taken off after Clay. 

     And there was the other side to this big ol' mess. 

     Maggie and Clay were a time bomb waiting to go off.  I knew the guy had issues.  I had seen first-hand how all over the place he was.  But when he had gone off at the dance because Maggie was dancing with Luke Tyler, it had seriously freaked me out. 

     And the way she had taken off after him, without a thought to anything else, scared the crap out of me.  I had followed her outside with every intention of using bodily restraint to stop her from making, what I was sure was a horrible mistake. 

     But then I had seen Kylie and Daniel kissing out by the parking lot and that had been it.  Put a fork in me, I was done. 

     So I had begged Ray to give me a lift.  I was done with standing there like an idiot while my friends made crappy life decisions.  I had gone home and went straight to bed. 

     The next morning, my mom had come into my room.  “How was the dance?” she had asked me as I sat up in bed.  My head was killing me and I knew the headache came from the ridiculous amount of crying from the night before. 

     I sighed and my mom had grimaced.  “That bad, huh?” she said, reaching out to touch my arm.  “What happened?” she asked me and I couldn't help the look of surprise that I gave her.  I couldn't remember the last time she and I had a heart to heart about my life.  She was either too busy or too exhausted to worry much about what I was doing. 

     “You don't need to worry about my boy drama, Mom.  Did you just get home from work?  You must be tired.” I tried to shift the focus of the conversation elsewhere.  I really didn't feel liked rehashing my humiliation from the night before.   My mom made a pained expression.

     “I haven't been the best mom lately, have I?” she asked me, gripping her hands tightly together in her lap.  I widened my eyes.  What in the world brought this on?  I was feeling emotionally raw and wasn't entirely sure I could handle this discussion right now.

     “You do the best you can,” I answered diplomatically.  But I really meant it.  While, yes I did feel bitter and resentful at times, deep down I understood she was doing all that she could for Kaitlyn and me. 

     “But sometimes you need more than that.”  My mom took one of my hands in hers.  “Talk to me, Rachel.  Maybe your ol' ma could give you some advice.  I know I've made some pretty horrible choices in my life, but I remember what it's like to be young.”  Her smile, while weak, was genuine.

     I needed to unload the weight from my heart so badly.  Maggie was out of the question.  Not with the state of her love life.  And I wasn't close enough to anyone else to really talk to them.  And I
did
want to talk to my mother.  I wanted to repair that part of our relationship.  That part that knew I could come to her no matter what.

     So I told her.  All about Daniel.  My feelings for him, the seesaw of our relationship.  The way he ditched me, once again last night, to go off with Kylie.  When I was done, I could feel the tears drying on my cheeks from where they had fallen during my story.

     My mother reached over to my bedside table and grabbed a couple of tissues.  She gently rubbed them across my face, wiping the wetness away.  “Sweetheart, I'm so sorry.”  I leaned my head down until it rested on her shoulder.  Her arm came up to wrap around me and she held me tight against her, the same way she had when I was a little girl.

     We were quiet for a while.  I soaked up the comfort she so willingly gave me.  Finally, she lifted my chin with her fingers.  “Rachel, you put everyone and everything above what you want.  Your friends, your family.  Somewhere along the way you've gotten it in your head that your feelings and wants are second fiddle to what everyone else feels and wants.  I know that's my fault.  But darling, you are an amazing, loving, loyal girl who should only have the best in life.”  My mom's smile was soft as she looked at me and the tears started all over again.

     “I just want to be the only thing he sees.  I want to feel like we're walking on clouds when we're together.  That I'm the girl he wants,” I whispered, feeling completely bare by my confession. 

     “Baby girl, you deserve some cloud walkin'.”  I snorted at her statement.

     “Cloud walking, huh?” I teased, feeling a little better from our conversation.  I never thought I'd see the day where any sort of advice from my mom would make me feel anything other than annoyed and frustrated.  But here we were.  Me a mess and her a mess.  But together we made a weird sort of sense. 

     “Yes, Rach.  Cloud walking.  And don't settle for anything less,” she had told me firmly. 

     “Thanks, Mom,” I said and she had left not long after that but I didn't forget what she said.  Because it had hit home for me.  She was right...I did deserve some cloud walking, darn it!

     Daniel called me about twenty times on Sunday.  I had hit ignore each and every time.  Maggie had called and I had reluctantly answered.  She had been all excited and giddy that she and Clay had decided to take their relationship to the next level. 

     There was no point in me trying to talk sense into her.  To remind her of the ugly side Clay obviously had.  Because she wouldn't have listened.  And I was through wasting my breath. 

     Monday had been borderline painful.  I had never felt lonely at school.  I was pretty well liked and Daniel and Maggie were a constant source of company.  That had very suddenly changed.  I was avoiding Danny like the plague and Maggie was so deeply immersed in Clayton Reed land that I barely saw her. 

     Daniel had tracked me down right before lunch.  I knew it was only a matter of time until he found me.  Though I was proud of how effectively I had avoided him up until then.  He came jogging down the hallway toward me and I looked around, wondering if I could make a break for it.

     “Hey, is your phone broken?  I've been trying to reach you all weekend,” he said, looking at me with confusion and more than a little hurt in those beautiful blue eyes.  No!  I would not notice how pretty his stupid eyes were!

     “Nah.  I just wasn't feeling too great.  Spent the day vegging out in front of the TV,” I lied, forcing myself to look at him blankly.  Daniel's face showed concern and he put his hand to my cheek. 

     “You feeling better?” he asked softly.  His eyes looked into mine and I swear I could feel something different there.  But then all I had to do was remember him and Kylie kissing on Saturday and I pulled away. 

     “Yeah, I'm fine,” I said, grabbing my lunch and heading toward the cafeteria.  Daniel fell into step beside me.  His fingers casually brushed mine as we walked and I felt my face get warm.  We were about to go into the lunch room when he grabbed a hold of my arm and pulled me to a stop.

     “Is that why you left on Saturday without saying anything?  Because you were feeling sick?  Because you know, I would have taken you home.  Hell, I would have made you chicken soup and everything.  I can be a good little nurse when I want to.”  Daniel's lips quirked in a flirty smile but I couldn't summon my own in response.

     “You were busy.  Ray took me, it was no big deal,” I said blandly.  I didn't let on at how hurt I had been by him ditching me.  I didn't reveal that I had seen Kylie wrapped around him like a vine.  No sense in dredging it up. 

     Daniel frowned and lifted his hand as though he wanted to touch my face but then dropped it back to his side.  “I'm never too busy for you.  Look, I'm sorry I left you for a while...but I had to take care of some things,” he explained, his fingers wrapping around my wrist.

     I pulled out of his grasp and looked away.  “Yeah, I could see that.” So much for hiding my bitterness.  And I had been doing so well too. 

     Daniel rubbed the top of his head in agitation.  “Rach.  Seriously.  It's not what it looked like.  You see Kylie and I...well...” I held up my hand, cutting him off. 

     “Spare me the gory details, please.  Let's go eat.”  I started to walk into the cafeteria.

     “Rachel, please let me explain,” Daniel pleaded, grabbing for my arm again.  Before he could say anything else, we were both pulled up short by the sight that greeted us at our lunch table. 

     “What the hell?”  Daniel growled.  That was a good question.  Clay and Maggie sat there, wrapped around each other as though they were one freaking person.  Well, this would make for an interesting lunch. 

     “Play nice, Danny,” I warned.  Daniel had let out a huff but followed me silently to the table.  Our earlier conversation had been forgotten as we tried to get used to the fact that Maggie was now part of a “we.”  The differences in her were astounding and I tried not to freak out over it.  But there was a possessiveness in the way she and Clay were together.  A neediness that was a little hard to stomach.  It was very obvious that they loved each other.  But their love was a little scary.  Because it consumed everything around them until that's all either of them saw.  They lived in their own little Maggie and Clay world and the rest of us didn't even compute. 

     Now that they were officially together, everything else took a back seat.  Absolutely everything.  The weeks passed and it only got worse.  I watched as my best friend slowly become someone else.  A girl who's entire world focused on the boy she was with.  I
never
thought I'd see the day Maggie would become
that
girl.  But she was happy.  Or at least she claimed to be every time I asked her.  But I stopped digging into their relationship, because she became rabid about it.  As though I had no right to go there.  Hello!  I was supposed to be her best friend!  Wasn't that my job?

     Daniel never did finish “explaining” things to me.  Okay, so maybe I never really gave him a chance to.  But I wasn't sure I wanted to hear whatever he had to tell me.  Though I did notice that he and Kylie were decidedly not together. I could only assume that she dropped him...once again.  I wanted to feel self-righteously smug about that.  But I didn't.  I just felt empty. 

     So, here we were, three weeks post dance, sitting all together in our strange little group, full of awkward tension.  Maggie and Clay were practically in each other's laps while I worked really hard to pretend Danny wasn't two feet away from me.  Daniel was obviously way passed trying to make small talk, so he ate in surly silence.  I was actually surprised he continued to eat with us, considering he had other friends.  Ones that he didn't have this tension with.

     But he staunchly stayed at our table.  I guess I had to give him props for that. 

     I was trying to choke down my sandwich while not watching as Clay kissed the side of Maggie's neck.  Even though, I didn't like the whole obsessive nature of their relationship, even I couldn't deny how at times they were almost beautiful together.  The way he brushed the hair off her shoulder so he could put his lips on the skin just below her ear.  How she leaned into him, closing her eyes as he whispered something only she could hear. 

     I wasn't going all Peeping Tom, I swear.   But it was like watching a love story unfold in front of my eyes.  If I forgot about the way Maggie seemed to be losing herself to Clay in a way that bordered on unhealthy, I could appreciate the genuine affection between them...even if I didn't like the rest of what I witnessed in their relationship.