Cloud Walking (A Find You in the Dark novella) (12 page)

     But Rachel was beyond angry.  Beyond upset.  “You know what, Daniel.  I'm fucking done.”  And that made me angry.  Because I didn't want her to be “done.” I wanted to hear, from her, why she was so mad at me all the time.  I was sick of the games.  Sick of the drama.  I just wanted everything to quiet the fuck down so I could think around this crazy buzzing in my head.

     Maggie immediately intervened but I cut her off.  “No, Maggie.  Let her say what she wants to say.  Obviously I've pissed her off,
again
.”  Okay, so I sounded like a dick.  I didn't mean to sound like an insensitive ass but I just didn't know what else to do.

     Rachel got up in my face.  Her mouth was an inch from mine and we were both breathing heavily.  I couldn't stop myself from looking down at her lips and thinking about tasting them.  God, I wanted to taste them. 

     “Damn straight you pissed me off! I'm so sick of watching you go back and forth with that skank!”  I was tired of her throwing Kylie in my face.  Particularly when it was a complete moot point.  If she'd just let me explain, for once...  But I was pissed too and I didn't handle that well. 

     “What the hell is it to you?” I growled as I watched Maggie and Clay try to lead Rachel away.  I was goading her, I knew that.  But I wanted to hear what she'd say. I wanted to know what she was thinking, more than I wanted anything.

     Maggie glared at me and told me to back off.  Clay positioned himself between us, which was even more exasperating.  Why was this dude interfering?  It was none of his damn business. 

     Then Rachel was telling me I walked all over her and I was telling her she was my friend.  That I wanted to know what I had done wrong and then
it
happened. 

      “Yes, we're friends!  But damn you, Daniel!  I love you!  I'm tired of you hurting me!” Rachel cried out, covering her face with her hands.  I stood there completely dumbstruck.  She loved me?  She loved me!  But I needed confirmation.  I needed to make sure I heard that correctly and that it meant the same thing to her as it did to me.  I stared at Rachel, willing her to look at me, but she kept her face covered.  Her shoulders shaking with sobs that ripped my heart out.  So I turned to Maggie. 

     “She loves me?  What the hell is she talking about?”
Please, just tell me what I want to hear
, I begged my friend silently.  Rachel tore away from Clay and Maggie and ran down the hallway to our room.  Away from me.  And then I couldn't take anymore.

     So I punched the stupid fucking wall.  I knew it was a shitty thing to do, but I just couldn't keep it all inside anymore.  And then I freaking left.  I walked out into the freezing snow.  I needed to get away from all of them.  Away from the craziness. 

     I headed to the lake and sagged down on a bench.  I didn't feel the cold.  I was too caught up in my erratic thoughts.  Rachel loved me.  Once she said that, it all clicked into place and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I wanted her.  I wanted a chance at happiness...with her.  But I was worried that I had messed that all up.  How do I approach her now and say,
Hey there, I love you too...wanna be my girlfriend? 

     Maggie found me a few minutes later and she talked me off of that cliff, just like she always did.  She convinced me that I needed to go talk to Rachel.  That I needed to sort things out. I didn't lay things out for Maggie and admit how deep my feelings were for Rachel.   Call it dumb pride, but I didn't want to admit all that and then have my heart broken publicly by Rachel's rejection.  I was too unsure of how things were going to go. 

     I hadn't realized Clay was standing there until I got up to walk back into the house.  He didn't look happy, but the truth was the dude rarely looked happy and my mind was focused on the girl inside.  The girl who could shred my guts in an instant.

     So I made my way back into the house.  I slowly walked down the hallway and stopped outside the door to the room we were sharing.  Should I knock?

     Screw it.  I pushed open the door and went inside...and froze.  Rachel was curled in the middle of the bed, her chin tucked into her chest, looking completely destroyed.  Had I done that to her?  Oh lord, I didn't want to do that to her. 

     I had told her love shouldn't make you feel like that and here I was making her fucking feel like that.  That ends now.  Tonight.  I didn't care about the damn consequences.  I needed Rachel to know how I felt, that the hurting had to stop.

     I sat down on the edge of the bed and looked at her.  She was so beautiful.  Had I never really appreciated how incredibly gorgeous she was?  Even with her face red and splotchy from tears, she was the most intensely amazing thing I had ever seen.  My life began and ended with her.  She was the one who always made me feel like I was able to put one foot in front of the other.  She was the one who had held my hand as I cried (as much as I had tried to hide it) after breaking my arm in the second grade.  She was the one who had brought me soup last year when I was sick with mono.  She was the one who had kept me company in the dark days after my parents split up.  Maggie was my best friend too.  But Rachel had always been that something
more. 

     This girl was my rock...my heart.  My everything.  I had been such an idiot for so long.  Why did I ever think Kylie could mean to me what
she
did?  I realized now that these feelings had always been there.  I had always known on some basic level, that Rachel was the girl for me.  But I had allowed too many things to get in the way of that. 

     Not any longer. 

     She could tell me to go to hell.  She could kick me in the balls and say that she hated me.  But I wasn't leaving.  I would love her until she realized that together we were something great. Something perfect.  Something forever.

     I reached out and put my hand on her arm.  She didn't move away but she didn't look at me either.

     “Rach,” I said softly.  She didn't say anything, those horrible tears still making their silent trek down her face.  “Please Rach.  Look at me,” I begged her, my voice catching as my throat closed up on the well of emotion that threatened to drown me. 

     Something in my tone must have broken through because she finally looked at me.  Her dark eyes meeting mine and I hated myself for the hurt and sadness there.  I swore I would make all of that go away.  I would never make her feel like this again.

     “What do you want, Danny?” she asked tiredly, sitting up. 

     What did I want? 

     “You,” I let out in a breath.  Crap.  I can't believe I just said that. 

     Rachel's eyes widened.  “What?” she asked in disbelief.

     I scooted forward on the bed until our knees were touching.  “I've been an ass.  A complete and total ass.  I've hurt you over and over again.  All I can say is, I'm sorry.  I've been blind to what's right in front of me for so damn long.”  My voice was a hushed whisper.  I leaned forward and put my hand around the back of Rachel's neck, tugging her gently toward me.  “I'm so, so sorry.  Can you forgive the dumbest guy on the planet for not realizing that the most perfect girl for him was here all along?” I asked her, staring into her beautiful eyes. 

     She took in a sharp breath.  My fingers pressed into her skin and I wanted desperately to pull her forward that fraction of an inch so I could kiss her.  But not yet.  Not until I heard what she had to say.

     “Danny,” she said in an agonized groan, pulling away from me.  My stomach lurched.  This is what I had been scared of.  Her rejection.   I squeezed my eyes shut, trying not to lose my shit right here.  And by lose my shit, I mean cry like a little baby.

     “Danny,” she said again, this time more forcefully.  I opened my eyes and she was frowning at me.  Never a good sign.  “What do you expect me to say?” she asked me, her voice hurt and angry.  Her face started to flush and I saw the red creeping up her neck.  I knew I was in for it. 

     I opened my mouth to answer her but she cut in.  “How dare you come in here, after everything and lay that crap out like that!  What about Kylie?  What about the millions of times I practically handed myself over only to have you push me away like I didn't fucking matter!” she screeched.  Oh man, she used the f-bomb.  Rachel rarely cussed.  I wondered if it was too late to duck for cover. 

     “Rachel.  I'm...”

     “Sorry?  You're sorry?  Well that's not good enough, Daniel!”  she yelled, jumping to her feet.  My mouth hung open as she started to pace around the room.  She gripped her hands into fists as she let out everything she was feeling.  I could admit I was freaked out.  But I was also perversely turned on by it.  Because she was hot when she was pissed.  There was something seriously wrong with me.

     “I have loved you since I was five, Danny!  Five!  And for the last twelve years, I have had to sit back and watch you date these girls that were never good enough for you.  When all I wanted was for once!  Just once, for you to look at me the way you looked at them!  And now here you are, after all this time...telling me you want me?  And you think I'm just going to jump into your arms and count my lucky stars that you deign me worthy of your attention?  Well tough luck, buddy!  I want more for myself than to be someone's...AFTERTHOUGHT!  I deserve some cloud walking, darn it!”  Her words while started off strong, ended in a quiet kind of confession. 

     Cloud walking?  What the hell was that?

     But then I thought about what she had just told me.  And I knew I had to make this right.  Now.

     I got to my feet and moved until I was standing directly in front of her.  I carefully and ever so slowly put my hands on her shoulders.  “Rachel.  Just listen to me for a second,” I told her, waiting for her to settle down so I knew she was listening.

     Rachel took a deep breath and looked up at me.  Tears coated her lashes and made her big, brown eyes look even larger.  “I have had my head so far up my own ass I couldn't see anything.  Kylie was a mistake.  Every other girl who wasn't
you
was a mistake.   But Rachel, I think I've loved you just as long,” I admitted.  She snorted and shook her head in disbelief.

     “Give me a break.  Sure, you loved me...while you were screwing Kylie, right?” 

     Ouch.  Okay, I deserved that. 

     “I was looking for something.  At first, I thought it was just the sex.  Hell, I'm a guy and I make bad choices where my dick is concerned.  But the truth is, I've never felt that
thing
with Kylie.  Sure, I liked being with her some of the time.  I even thought it might be love.  But looking at it now, with clear eyes, I know that was never the case.  I never once lost sleep at night when she was mad at me.  Yeah, I always tried to make things right, but it more about making my life easier than making her happy.  But I
never
agonized over ways to make her feel better when she was sad.  I never thought of a million ways to make her smile.”  Rachel's eyes were shiny again and I knew it was a matter of time until she was crying again.  So I needed to make this quick.

     “But Rachel, every time you hurt,  I hurt. Particularly, when I'm the cause of it.  I've been an insensitive jerk.  But I need you to know that you are all I can think about.  That you give me freaking butterflies in my stomach.  That when we're together I feel like...”

     “Cloud walking.”  Rachel grinned. 

     “Huh?” I asked, cocking my eyebrow at her. 

     Rachel sniffed and shook her head.  “It's just something my mom said.  You know that feeling when you're on top of the world, like you could walk on the clouds,” she explained.

     I nodded and cupped her face with my hand.  “Cloud walking.  I like that.  And yeah, that's exactly how you make me feel.  Like my feet will never touch the ground.” 

     Rachel's entire body seemed to relax.  Maybe, just maybe she wasn't going to kick me in the balls. 
 

     “
So what do you say?  Should we give this thing between you and me a try?  Just give me a chance.  You're already the best thing in my life...I just want you to be the best thing in my life as my girlfriend.”  I was being super cheesy but I couldn't help it.