Cloud Walking (A Find You in the Dark novella) (3 page)

     “Oh really?  Why is that?” I asked coldly, even though I already knew why.  I wanted him to say it, damn him.

     Daniel's eyes flicked to mine then away again.  I felt the guilt rolling off him and I knew he hated to upset me.  That realization softened me a bit but then I thought about who he was letting me down for and then I got mad. 

     “Uh, well, Kylie and I were thinking of going to see that new wedding movie.  You know, the one with that dude from Twilight,” Daniel muttered.  I barked out a disingenuous laugh.  Really?  He was letting Kylie drag him to a rom-com with a guy from the Twilight movies?  That seemed like a fate worse than death for him.  But then, he deserved it for being such a wimp.

     Daniel frowned.  “What?  It sounds kind of good,” he said defensively and I started laughing even harder.  Maggie was looking at me as though I had gone certifiably crazy.  I tried to calm myself down, snorting through my nose.

     “You're seriously ditching me and Jason Statham for a chick flick with one of the douches from the Twilight movies?  Wow, I hope you have fun, Danny,” I told him, aware that my voice had become frosty.  Even though I knew the blow off was coming, it still hurt.  When would it stop hurting? 

     Daniel swung his legs around and stood up.  “I'm not ditching you, Rach.  I mean, if you want to come, you're more than welcome to,” he offered and I wanted to smack him in the face.  Now see, this is where I wish I had Maggie's sarcastic comebacks.  I wanted to tell him to shove his insincere invitation straight up his perfect ass.  I wanted to tell him I'd rather walk over hot coals then go to a movie theater and watch him make out with his annoying girlfriend all night.

     But my mind went blank.  It always did at the worst times.  So I just gave him a sad sort of grimace.  “Uh, I'll pass,” I replied, screwing the cap back onto the nail polish. 

     I heard Maggie's exaggerated snort in the corner.  “Seriously, Danny?  You're inviting Rachel along for a front row seat to Kylie's tongue in your mouth?  Are you a complete idiot?” she asked and I wanted to hug her.  When I couldn't find the right sort of quip, she had them for me.  That is why I loved her. 

     Daniel's shoulders were tense as he shoved his feet into his sneakers.  “Shit, Mags.  It wouldn't be like that.  I just feel bad...” His words tapered off and my stomach clenched. 

     He felt bad. 

     He was feeling guilty but that didn't stop him from choosing her over me each and every time.  When would I stop being second choice?  Would I ever be number one to the person I cared most about in the world?

     I was sick of feeling like an afterthought.  My dad hadn't thought twice about me when he chose to leave my mom and me when I was five.  My sister, Kaitlyn's dad had done the same.  My mom spent more time working herself to death than being with her family.  And Daniel was forever making everything and anyone more important than me. 

     Wow, if that wasn't a depressing little stream of thought, I didn't know what was.

     Maggie got up and smacked Danny on the back of the head.  “Hey, Mr. Jerk.  Cut it out.  She doesn't need your pity invite.  Go have fun with Kylie.  Rachel and I will be doing our own thing.  So no need to feel guilty,” Maggie said roughly and Daniel's shoulders dropped.  Maggie had a way of cutting to the chase in a way that left you feeling either horrible or strangely relieved.  She had very little time for verbal games, so she chose not to play them.

     Daniel ran a hand over his head and lifted his face to look at me.  “Rach.  It wasn't a pity invite.  I would really like you to come,” he said and his eyes were kind of sad.  Whatever.  He played the sad card too much and I wasn't in the mood.

     I waved my hand.  “Really.  You do your thing.  We'll just see you on Monday,” I said dismissively, wanting him to leave.  Daniel read my thoughts clearly and knew that he was no longer wanted.  Once upon a time, the three of us were inseparable.  Now, it was as though we could barely be in the same room.  My feelings for this boy were becoming almost unmanageable.  They were messing with my heart, my head, and my life. 

     I needed to figure something out before it wrecked everything. 

     Daniel looked from Maggie to me and then grabbed his phone from the desk.  “Okay then.  Well, give me a call this weekend.  Maybe we can grab lunch on Sunday,” he said hopefully.  Maggie patted him on the arm. 

     “Sure, I'll give you a holla,” she reassured him.  I knew he hated weirdness between the three of us.  And it wasn't fair that Maggie was being pulled into the middle of whatever was brewing between Daniel and me. 

     They hugged and then Daniel turned to me.  Normally he would hug me...but now it just didn't feel right.  I lifted my hand in a half sort of wave.  “See ya,” I said nonchalantly.  The skin between Daniel's eyebrows furrowed but he made no move toward me.

     He nodded in my direction and didn't say anything.  “Later, Mags,” he said and left her bedroom.

     My entire body sagged.  Maggie flopped down on her bed.  “Okay, Rachel. This is getting ridiculous,” she remarked but I didn't respond.  We never really addressed my feelings for Daniel.  She was aware of them but it wasn't a normal conversation between the two of us.  It was there, nothing else to say about it.

     But now, even she couldn't deny how strained things were becoming.  But I didn't want to talk about it, so I just shrugged my shoulders.  “It's fine.  It's always fine. Nothing will change,” I said.  Though for once, I didn't believe my words.

Chapter Four   

~Rachel~

     “Rachel, I need you to watch Kat tonight.  I'm picking up an extra shift at the hospital.  Rent's due at the end of the month and we're a little short,” my mom said, poking her head around the door to my bedroom. 

     I bit down on the groan that threatened to swim up from my throat.  Instead, I gave my mother a pained smile.  “Sure thing,” I replied with a nod.  My mom smiled back, also a little painfully.  I knew she felt bad for saddling me with parent duty so much.  But we didn't really have any other options. 

     “Thanks, sweetheart.”  She sounded so tired and I noticed there were a few more wrinkles around her mouth and eyes than had been there before.  My mom wasn't old.  She was only eighteen when she had me.  But being stuck playing single mom to two kids before you're forty will suck your will to live like no other.

     “How's school going?” she asked me.  She still hadn't walked into the room.  I knew she had to leave for work, but was trying to do the good mom bit by acting interested in my life.  But I knew, as well as she did, that she was too tired and too busy to put much effort into it.  So the pretending was seriously unnecessary.

     “Fine,” I answered shortly, giving her another fake smile.  My mom looked relieved that a more in depth conversation wasn't required. 

     “Just throw a pizza in the oven.  Don't forget, Kaitlyn's bedtime is...”

     “9:30. Yeah, I know,” I said.  Her having to tell me was ludicrous.  I knew Kaitlyn's bedtime better than she did, considering I was the one tucking her in most nights and had been since the child was six years old. 

     “Okay then.  See you tomorrow,” my mom said hurriedly, blowing me a kiss.  I could hear her talking to Kaitlyn in the living room over the noise of the television.  I gathered my homework and went out to join my sister. 

     Kaitlyn barely acknowledged me when I sat on the couch.  She was engrossed in iCarly or Victorious, or whatever tween show she was watching.  I pulled my World History book onto my lap and tried to focus on reading the chapter we had for homework.  I was sure we'd have a pop quiz tomorrow and I wanted to make sure I aced it.  Grades were important to me.  I didn't let anything get in the way of me and my 4.0 GPA.

     My phone buzzed on the couch beside me.  Looking down I saw a picture of Danny sticking his tongue out and his eyes crossed flash on the screen.  I couldn't stop my goofy smile.  I had taken that particular picture two months ago at lunch.  And I loved it.  It was the Daniel that I missed most when he was being that
other
Daniel that I didn't like so much.

     Let's see which Daniel I'd be talking to this evening.  Ignoring the phone call wasn't even an option for me.  Of course I'd answer it.  I always answer it.

     “Hey,” I said, making a motion with my hand at my sister to turn the volume down on the TV.  She rolled her eyes at me but did as I asked.  Barely.  I still had a hard time hearing Daniel on the other end.

     “Hey, Rach.  How's it goin'?” Daniel asked, his smooth, deep voice like liquid honey in my ears.  He was using his charming sex voice.  He wanted something.

     “What do you need, Danny?” I asked in annoyance.  Why couldn't he just call me to talk?  Why did it always feel as though having a normal conversation together was impossible anymore? 

     Daniel's chuckle seemed forced.  “Why do you think I need something?  Can't I just call to hear your voice?” he said smoothly and I couldn't help the way my insides bunched up.  If only he really meant that. 

     I sighed.  “Because I know you...and I know you need something.  So just spit it out already,” I said in exasperation.  Irritated with myself for being so swayed by him.  Even more irritated with him for swaying me.

     “Okay, you got me.  Do you have our Chem notes?  We have that huge test tomorrow and I think I left my binder in my locker.”  I leaned over to rifle through my book bag, pulling my Chemistry folder out.  I had already been studying for our test for over a week.  I knew the material inside and out.  Of course, Daniel had procrastinated. 

     “Yeah, I have it.  Do you need help studying?” I found myself offering. 

     “Would you really help me?  Rachel, baby, you are the best!  I'll be there in fifteen.  I'll even bring some Krispy Kreme crullers you love so much,” Daniel said happily.  I sighed.  He had called me baby.  And he was bringing me crullers.  If I didn't have the overwhelming urge to throttle him, I'd be tempted to jump his bones as soon as he showed up.

     Who was I kidding, even though I wanted to throttle him I
still
wanted to molest him.  Very, very badly.

     “Get the chocolate glazed ones,” I told him and he laughed. 

     “Of course.  As if I'd come with anything else.  Be there in a bit,” Daniel said and then hung up.  I was left holding my phone, feeling like an idiot.  I had my own work to do.  So why was I planning to spend my evening helping Daniel with his?  Oh that's right, because where he was concerned, my backbone ceased to exist.

      I heaved myself off the couch and looked over at my sister.  “You hungry?” I asked her.  She gave me a nod, not taking her eyes from the TV.  What sort of childhood was that?  Stuck in front of the television or playing video games?  I hated that our mom never had time to spend with her.  I didn't begrudge my mother the fact that she worked so hard to keep us housed and clothed.  I knew she was exhausted and fed up with the way things were.  I helped out where I could, having found myself a job at the movie store in downtown Davidson so I could afford clothes and stuff for school.

      But there was that part of me that was resentful all the same.  It wasn't my fault that my mom had made poor decisions when it came to the men she let in her life.  But here we were, years later and I was taking care of
her
responsibilities.  I loved Kaitlyn...but I wasn't her mother.  And the fact that I was so often given the unofficial role, was frustrating.

      For the first five years of my life, I remember an active and involved parent.  Mom made cookies, attended parent/teacher conferences, signed me up for little league soccer.  Before my dad took off, we were somewhat of a normal and functional family.

     Then dad had left and Mom met Kaitlyn's father, Samuel.  Samuel was not a nice guy.  I never liked him.  Even in the early days when he tried to butter me up with treats and presents.  There was always something off about him.  And as it turned out, I was right.  He was an abusive prick.  Though he never laid a hand on me, I remember him yelling at Mom a lot.  Their fights were loud and violent, often resulting in broken dishware and holes in the walls.  I knew he had hit my mom.  She tried to cover the bruises, but they were there all the same.  It had gotten worse after Kaitlyn was born and the jerk finally left two years ago.  Six years too late, if you ask me.