Codependent No More Workbook (9 page)

Many different events can help us come to believe that change is possible for us. Hope replaces despair. We see change in others or we begin to see it in ourselves. Some people say that faith means we believe first, and then we can see. But when it comes to changing behaviors that have been lifetime survival behaviors, we often need to see first, before we can believe that change is possible for us.

Some people resist the Higher Power part of Twelve Step programs. But some Steps, including this one, specifically mention God and the words
Higher Power
. They also give ample room for individual belief systems by saying, “God as we understand God.”

In the beginning of the recovery revolution, people said things such as, “Anything, including a doorknob, can be your Higher Power.” A personal relationship with a doorknob wouldn’t change me much. I can’t see myself asking a doorknob for help. The idea was that we’re supposed to stop playing God and understand that there’s a Power greater than us, and not let any negative past ideas or understanding of God or religion hinder our progress.

Twelve Step groups are more than self-help programs. They’re a spiritual recovery process. I haven’t seen one person change significantly without working a spiritual program. A big part of codependency is having an unrealistic relationship with power. Codependents believe they have more power than they do. They often think it’s their job to change and control other people. It’s important that people healing from codependency issues know that there’s a Power greater than ourselves, and we don’t have to do His job.

Due to the pain and abuse many people recovering from codependency have endured, they’ve either lost faith in God or believe that God doesn’t care about them.
If He did, why would He let this happen?
But Twelve Step groups aren’t religious groups. They’re spiritual, and there’s a difference. Part of recovery includes discovering that difference for ourselves.

The primary purpose for each specific group is spelled out in that group’s traditions. For instance, the primary purpose of Al-Anon and Alateen is to “help families and friends of alcoholics recover from the effects of living with the problem drinking of a relative or friend, whether the alcoholic recovers or not.” The primary purpose of Co-Dependents Anonymous, according to the bylaws of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc., is to “carry its message to Co-Dependents who still suffer.”

The list goes on for each meeting or group for particular types of codependency, but never is the primary purpose to convert a member or potential member to any religion. Affiliation with politics, religions, or denominations is prohibited in all the groups’ traditions. On our own time, we’re each free to be involved with whatever religion we choose.

Our job in recovery is to grow in our relationship and understanding of God as we each understand Him. We truly begin to grow when our understanding of our Higher Power turns into a personal relationship with Him, when we know that God is real, and when we feel that He knows and cares about each of us.

Some women who have been abused by their fathers have expressed difficulty turning their wills and lives over to the care of an omnipotent God referred to as a
male father figure.
That’s understandable. To them, a father represents control, abuse, manipulation, and fear. That’s why we have the freedom to understand God for ourselves, and why it’s crucial not to impose our beliefs on anyone else or let anyone impose his or her beliefs on us.

It’s not my job to tell you how to understand your Higher Power. The Steps suggest that we each come to some understanding of God. I’ve yet to hear anyone clearly and concisely explain how, exactly, he or she understands God. Most people at meetings will vigorously tell you what they believe God isn’t. The God of recovery isn’t a God of abuse or revenge. He’s not one who punishes. He loves and forgives us, and hears us whenever we sincerely talk to Him.

That’s good enough for me.

Off and on over the past hundred years, people have written and continue to write about the power of goal setting. That includes visualizing—seeing in our mind what we want to happen. In 1978, Shakti Gawain released her book
Creative Visualization: Use the Power of Your Imagination to Create What You Want in Your Life.
Sports leaders have honed their skills by practicing their particular sport in their mind’s eye for many years.

Although the Second Step says to pray only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry it out, it’s important to set goals too. It’s equally important to let go of our goals and let God work things out in our lives.

“What I regret most about my recovery from codependency is that I didn’t include setting goals for myself, goals that included using my creativity, creating my dreams, and doing meaningful work,” one anonymous recovering woman said.

Many of us believe we don’t deserve to have and achieve our dreams, and that’s sad. It’s easy to keep the bar set low for ourselves in all parts of our life: work, relationships, money.

But this Step conveys two important ideas if we read them carefully. One is that we don’t do the changing ourselves. A Power greater than ourselves—most likely not a doorknob—changes us if we do our part and work the Steps. The other important idea Step Two tells us is that our part is believing.

If we’re going to believe, why not set the bar higher?

I believe in setting goals, and then letting them go. I believe we should be as specific as possible about what we want to happen. “Be careful of asking for what you want. You might get it,” some naysayers warn. I believe that’s an ominous, negative response to what we desire and want.

While I don’t advocate self-will or seeking fame and fortune, I urge you to use goal setting and creative visualization along with Step Two to create a rich, full life for yourself. The athletes who use visualization as part of training agree that there’s little difference between seeing something in our mind and actually having the experience. Test this theory. Imagine how you’d feel if someone you trusted told you that something dreadful happened, and you believed that person. You’d feel exactly the same as you would if it actually happened.

One night when I first began setting goals, I wrote down all my hopes and dreams. When I finished, the thought occurred to me:
If you could have anything you wanted and it wouldn’t be bad or wrong, what would that be?
So I added that, and put everything I wanted on my goal list. Although it might take five, ten, or thirty-five years for some goals to manifest, every goal I wrote on that piece of paper turned into reality. I didn’t have to make things happen. I became clear about what I wanted, and I became willing to pay my dues. Then I turned my goal list and my desires over to my Higher Power, ending my goal sheet with the words
Thy will be done.

Then I continued to show up for life
One day at a time.

If you’re going to go for your dreams, go big. But also go with an equally large amount of humility. Plant the seeds for your dreams by setting and visualizing your goals. Then
Let go and let God
do the growing.

In recovery it’s called
Fake it until we make it,
or
Acting as if.