Codependent No More Workbook (7 page)

Surrendering to the truth hurts; otherwise we wouldn’t need to deny reality as long as so many of us do. But recovery means surrendering to divine timing. We’ll stop lying to ourselves when we’re strong enough to face the truth.

When I began researching and learning about codependency, I had a difficult time understanding the denial part. How could so many intelligent, educated, capable people spend so much of their lives denying reality? Then I found the writings of Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. She identified the five stages of dying that later became known as the five stages of loss and grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I would add two more to the list: guilt and obsession. Much of what causes codependency is people becoming stuck in a stage of grief, and then making that stuck behavior a way of life.

When denial runs our life, it’s because we’re facing the loss of something we’re not prepared to lose. For example, losing our marriage and all the dreams that accompany it is a major loss, not something that comes easy. Facing it can create a lot of grief. It’s normal to want to control the loss, or make whatever’s happening stop taking place. Codependent behaviors are normal, instinctive responses to certain events. Usually those events involve loss. Recovery often means learning to do the opposite of what we think we should do. For instance, instead of trying to make a person stop drinking so we don’t lose our marriage, we learn to let go, detach with love, and take care of ourselves.

It’s natural to want to keep someone we love in our lives. It’s natural to want the people we love to be healthy. We don’t want them to have serious problems. It’s normal to want ourselves to be healthy, and not have a serious illness. But when those things happen and we spend years denying the truth, we lose touch with ourselves and our intuition. We start trying to do the impossible and get caught in a downward spiral.

We each have our own unique definition of unmanageability. It can involve neglecting our true responsibilities, denying our emotions, or blaming someone else for our behaviors. Often when a spouse attempts to control a wife or husband, that person begins neglecting the children. The person with the problem becomes the center of the family’s attention, and the other family members become neglected.

When our life becomes unmanageable, it’s common to feel as though we’re crazy. The first time we work Step One, we can feel so crazy and our lives can appear so unmanageable that anyone could see it. But after we’ve been recovering
for a while, we usually set the bar higher for what unmanageability means. As we become healthier, we become more sensitive to the codependent crazies. It may not take long to identify the lack of peace, the angry outburst, the accusations, blaming, denial, arguments, and the rest of the behaviors that accompany alcoholism, addiction, or other compulsive disorders. We can become so healthy that any loss of serenity and peace becomes more than we’re willing to accept.

The level of unmanageability that’s acceptable depends on our past, how long we’ve been recovering, and how comfortable we’ve become with feeling peaceful. One problem with codependency is that it’s progressive. Things either get better or worse. Codependency can result in hypochondria, physical or emotional illness, even suicide.

We can begin using alcohol or drugs or engage in other compulsive behavior to medicate emotional pain. We may begin spending money compulsively, either trying to buy good feelings or trying to punish the person responsible for paying the bills. Or we may begin overspending at the therapist’s office, expecting him or her to make us better. While therapy can help, our therapist can’t do our work. That’s up to us.

Admitting we can’t control someone or something isn’t an excuse to do nothing to solve problems. We take the First Step when we’ve done all we can reasonably do to solve the problem. Unmanageability sets in when we compulsively do the same things over and over to solve the problem, even though those things don’t work. There’s a line we cross after we’ve tried something that doesn’t work, but we continue to do it anyway. When we cross that line, we move into the codependency zone. We get stuck like a record or CD, compulsively repeating the same behavior. The more the behavior doesn’t work, the harder we try doing it and the crazier we feel. Learn to see the warning signs when that begins to happen. When you feel the codependent crazies, see that yellow light flashing. It means
Alert!
You’re reacting codependently. It’s time to take the First Step.

Some spiritual teachers say that we’re all connected in ways we can’t see and that we’re one with everything in the universe, but not in the codependent, overly attached way. We’re particularly connected to people we love. We’re bonded to them. The First Step can be more difficult the more we love someone. It may feel wrong to let go of someone we care about, or we may think that detaching means we don’t love that person. But that isn’t what detachment or letting go means. Detachment means we’re finally surrendering to the truth. We can’t control the other person. Letting go means we acknowledge that we’re not responsible for the other person. We’re responsible for ourselves.

The First Step is more powerful and potentially healing for everyone than trying to control someone else’s behavior. While control is an illusion, surrendering
and letting go are real. They’re powerful living skills that create healthy and positive consequences instead of unmanageability.

There aren’t any guarantees that if we detach and let go, the person we care about will get sober or otherwise do what we want that person to do. But detaching from people we’re bonded with can and often does create immediate and visible positive results. Other people can feel it when we stop obsessing and trying to control them. That may be when they finally begin to see themselves. Up until then, they may have been so busy reacting to our attempts to control them that they lost sight of what they were doing and how they were hurting themselves. When we stop obsessing, they feel the release.

It’s like cutting the string on a helium balloon. It flies up into the air. We’ve set it free. It can go anywhere the wind blows it. When we let go of someone we’re close to and set them free, they may become frightened. They don’t like being on their own. Playing the game of reacting to us distracted them from what they were doing and gave them a reason to blame us. Now they have to face themselves. Ironically, when we finally cut them loose, it’s not unusual for people to decide of their own free will to do what we’ve spent so much time trying to force them to do.

In a dating situation, where we’ve been obsessing about the other person—will he or she call, does he or she care about me—our obsessive behavior can drive the other person away. When we stop obsessing and learn to be present for ourselves, the other person, and each moment, we’re learning what it really means to love. When we let go, that person may begin pursuing us because we’re no longer chasing them away with our obsessing and controlling gestures.

Letting go with love and detachment begin transformation. The first behavior gives the other person to God’s care. The second behavior means we don’t engage with craziness by interacting with someone’s disease through arguing, denying, or engaging in any behavior that is nonproductive, doesn’t work, and wastes energy.

Even if the other person doesn’t change, we’ll change by practicing these new behaviors. Whatever we’re trying to control is really controlling us. We are the person we set free when we work Step One.

When we’re busy trying to control someone or something, we don’t relax and we’re not present for life. Sometimes we discover that we don’t even want
whatever it is we’ve been so ferociously obsessing about and trying to make happen! We began obsessing, and then it became a habit.

Congratulations. You’re on your way to the top of the mountain and a new life.