Codependent No More Workbook (19 page)
Read Codependent No More Workbook Online
Authors: Melody Beattie
There are four different ways we can make amends:
- A face-to-face apology acknowledging what we did wrong.
- Living amends where we add a change in behavior to a face-to-face apology. We either stop doing what hurt the person or start doing something differently so we’re not neglecting the person. If we continue to hurt someone, a verbal apology won’t mean much.
- Sometimes the person we harmed is dead or we have no idea how to find him or her. Some people may have married and changed their last name. We either don’t know it or forgot it. Some people may have moved and we don’t know how to find them. In these and all situations, pray for guidance. We may be led to write a letter to someone who’s deceased or construct a memorial in that person’s memory. Each situation is unique.
- Another kind of amends involves situations where showing up and apologizing would do more harm than good. The person may be married now, and our presence may upset his or her spouse. Maybe there’s someone we’ve been resenting. If the person didn’t know it, telling him or her would cause unnecessary hurt. In this case we could say a prayer, and in it include an apology. We also stop resenting. Maybe we had an affair, but no one knew we cheated. Bringing up the situation could do more harm than we’ve already done. Instead of making yourself feel better at someone else’s expense, learn to either let go of or live with the guilt. We want to get rid of guilt, but we don’t do it at the expense of somebody else’s feelings or quality of life. Anytime there’s a chance that amends could cause more harm and hurt feelings for others, pray until you’re absolutely clear on the behavior that’s God’s will for you. Talk to someone you trust. Use good sense. You also may not want to tell everyone in your group details of your Fifth Step. Talk to God. Become willing. But take no action at all if someone could be harmed, unless and until you’re certain that the amends you’re planning to make is what you’re meant to do.
Financial amends are a different situation. We may want a separate list for all the people we owe money to, if that’s been a big problem. If we owe someone money, we come up with a clear plan—one we can stick to—and then we begin paying the person or business what we owe and apologize for being overdue. Few people bottom out without owing people money. It may not seem fair that you have to pay debts that an ex-spouse incurred, but you chose to marry that person, and unless you live in a state where legislation protects you, you’re responsible for bills in the marriage, whether it was you who incurred them or your spouse. Cleaning up the damage will make the bill collectors stop calling and will build good credit. Paying bills means taking financial responsibility for ourselves, an important aspect of self-care.
Activity
- Make and review your list of amends. To the best of your ability, indicate what kind of amends is appropriate to make to each person or organization on the list. It doesn’t matter at this point if you’ll actually make amends or not. Indicate if a direct apology is enough or if you need to make a living amends too, and if so, what kind. How? Put question marks by any amends where you’re uncertain if making direct amends would hurt someone else or if you’re confused or uncertain about what to do.
- Make a separate list of your creditors. Contact each one. Set up a plan. Diligently make payments until all bills are paid. Many people get stuck in black-and-white thinking.
If I can’t pay it all,
I’ll pay nothing.
Then nothing gets paid. Begin making payments immediately and regularly. Stick to the plan you made. If the creditor refuses to accept anything except the entire amount or you owe money for taxes, you may need to seek help. Debtors Anonymous is a Twelve Step program for people who perpetually get into debt. Attending meetings there may be an appropriate step to take before you begin your amends. Be careful about agencies that offer help to people in debt. Some are legitimate. Others aren’t. Pray for guidance about all amends on your list. Make no amends until and unless you’re clear.
The Eighth Step doesn’t say that we make a list of all persons we’ve harmed, then walk around feeling guilty about it. We make a list and then, as we review it, we become willing to make amends to everyone whose name is on it. Then as we’re guided, we begin the process of making direct amends.
The word
amends
is close to the word
mend.
That’s what Step Nine does: It mends. We may not be able to mend our relationship with a person, but our actions mend our relationship with ourselves and our Higher Power.
“Making amends terrified me at first,” said one woman, recovering from codependency. “Then, when I began to see how good I felt each time I made one, I began to enjoy the process. Each one gave me a direct jolt of self-esteem.
Sometimes if I experienced a bad day or week, I’d pull out my Eighth Step list and make amends. I knew doing that would help me feel good.”
If you pray for guidance about how to make amends, you’ll eventually get it. If a name of a person or organization pops into your mind while you’re making your list or if you run into someone you’ve forgotten, put the name on your list. If the opportunity is there to make spontaneous amends and it feels right, do it. You may run into someone in your daily life, and whenever you see him or her you feel so guilty you want to run away. That may be a sign that you owe him or her amends. Put the name on the list, even if you’re uncertain what you’ve done wrong. Then pray about it. Answers come to sincere seekers.
There’s no way of knowing how people will respond to our amends. Some may refuse to see or talk to us. Others may be so angry that all they can do is yell. Most people will respond respectfully and with forgiveness. If some don’t, that’s not your problem. We’re powerless over what other people do. We’re cleaning up our past to gain a sense of self-respect and esteem. By doing this Step, we become free to go anywhere without worrying about who we’ll encounter. We earn the right to walk around with our head held high and our heart open.
If the person is so angry with us that he or she becomes abusive, we don’t have to let ourselves be treated badly. This program is based on forgiveness, not punishment and penance. If people use what you’ve done wrong to manipulate you or keep you feeling guilty, that is a game that you can’t win. Don’t play. However, if we owe someone money and that person is angry with us, it’s still our responsibility to pay that person what we owe him or her, but we do not expose ourselves to abuse. Don’t let guilt keep you in a situation where you’re being punished or abused.
Remember that the Step calls for direct amends. We only write a letter or call the person on the telephone when it’s impossible to meet face to face, in person. If that isn’t possible, because the person is in prison or dead, then you can do the next best direct amends action.
Be as concise as possible. Stick to the point. Acknowledge what you did wrong and sincerely apologize for doing it. For living amends, or if you’ve relapsed several times and this isn’t the first time you’ve made amends to this person, the less said the better. Let the person see what you’re doing to change your behavior instead of talking about what you intend to do differently. In some
cases, though, it may be appropriate to let the person know what he or she can reasonably expect.
We don’t grovel, nor do we repeatedly beg for forgiveness if someone refuses to let us off the hook. Also, don’t engage in arguing. By doing so, you’re defeating the purpose of making amends. Thank the person for listening to you, leave, and then follow through with changed behaviors.
Somewhere along the line, something bigger than us kicks in. This is what it says in
Alcoholics Anonymous,
or the Big Book, on pages 83 and 84:
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
On page v of the first edition of the
Co-Dependents Anonymous
book, it flatly states that you can expect a miraculous change in your life by working the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous.
As I make an honest effort to work the Twelve Steps and follow the Twelve Traditions…
- I know a new sense of belonging. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness will disappear.
- I am no longer controlled by my fears. I overcome my fears and act with courage, integrity and dignity.
- I know a new freedom.
- I release myself from worry, guilt and regret about my past and present. I am aware enough not to repeat it.
- I know a new love and acceptance of myself and others. I feel genuinely lovable, loving and loved.
- I learn to see myself as equal to others. My new and renewed relationships are all with equal partners.
- I am capable of developing and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. The need to control and manipulate others will disappear as I learn to trust those who are trustworthy.
- I learn that it is possible to mend—to become more loving, intimate and supportive. I have the choice of communicating with my family in a way which is safe for me and respectful of them.
- I acknowledge that I am a unique and precious creation.
- I no longer need to rely solely on others to provide my sense of worth.
- I trust the guidance I receive from my Higher Power and come to believe in my own capabilities.
- I gradually experience serenity, strength and spiritual growth in my daily life.
These two sets of changes that we can expect to see in ourselves are referred to as
Promises.
Maybe that’s why people who are alcoholic and codependent are called Double Winners. They don’t get only one set of promises. Double Winners get two sets of promises.
“When I was in treatment for chemical dependency, the people in my group used to say—only partially kidding—that
Recovery isn’t any big deal. It just means changing everything about yourself and your life.
I learned that’s mostly true,” said one Double Winner, a member of Al-Anon and Alcoholics Anonymous. “I let go of my old relationships and behaviors. My entire life changed. But it wasn’t the grueling kind of change I thought it would be. I turned into someone I never thought I could be. The Promises really do come true.”