Codependent No More Workbook (18 page)

One afternoon, on the social networking site Facebook, I saw a beautiful prayer written by an anonymous person. I tried for weeks to find the author so I could attribute it to her, but I didn’t have any luck. But although I can’t claim this prayer as mine, I still want you to have it: “God, please show me what Step to work and when to work it.” From this day on, that’s going to be your guide. Meanwhile, take at least a week off to catch your balance and let what happened sink in. Don’t be perfectionistic. It’s not what these Steps ask us to do. The Twelve Step approach is
Progress not perfection.
Don’t move forward too soon, but don’t let too much time pass either before you turn the page in this book and move on to the next lesson.

“In love and dignity,
speak the truth—as we think, feel,
and know it—and it shall set us free.”

—Codependent No More

Suggested reading: chapter 17, “Communication”

STEP EIGHT: Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

STEP NINE: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

—from the TWELVE STEPS OF CO-DEPENDENTS ANONYMOUS

S
tep Eight calls for two actions. One is “made a list.” The other is “became willing.” This Step doesn’t say that we make amends to everyone on our list. But we become willing to do that. It’s about surrendering resistance and developing a humble attitude. Step by Step, we become more closely aligned with our Higher Power’s will. In Step Eight we show that we’ll go to any length to learn to love ourselves and others and to have a healthy, functional life.

Most of us have been willing to stop at nothing to take care of others. This Step challenges us to go that far for ourselves and our spiritual growth. Steps Four through Nine are a series of pairs of Steps that, when properly worked, give us back a clean slate for our lives. Steps Eight and Nine provide the finishing touches.

Steps Four through Nine take us back to the past so we can see what happened to us, what we did to others, and how our past still affects us today. We also look for behaviors we don’t want or need anymore, survival behaviors from our past. These six Steps turn us into an open vessel. They clear away the crud we’ve been carrying around and make space for self-love and self-respect. They create the new person we’re becoming.

The old you, with your quirks and personality, will still be there. God needs individual personalities to create an interesting world. This includes how you dress, your sense of humor—everything that makes you uniquely you. The word
personality
isn’t used here the way it is in the tradition that teaches about
Principles before personalities.
That tradition means you don’t let your dislikes or fondness for certain people interfere with your spiritual growth.

Working the Steps won’t turn you into a robot, an empty shell, or a clone.

Making a list of people you harmed may trigger some justification and rationalization.
I deserved to do that to him or her; that person asked for it. That person treated me worse than I treated her or him. That person hurt me first.
This Step requires letting go of anything that stands in the way of your willingness to make amends to every person you harmed.

Are you willing to clean up your side of the street, regardless of what the other person did? It’s time now to clear away anything that blocks you from taking the high road no matter what other people did, or if they did it first or worse.

Gather the materials from the work you did on Steps Four and Five, buy a notebook that you’ll dedicate to amends, and begin making your list. Ask God to bring to mind any names you need to remember. When you take responsibility for your behavior at this deep, profound level, all the forces in the universe gather
to support you. You’re not in this alone. Pay attention to the names that pop into your mind and the people you run into. Keep your notebook close by throughout the period of time you’re working on your list so you can write names down immediately, before you forget them.

Five of the six “cleaning the slate” Steps refer to our harmful behaviors, each in a slightly different way. But the place they take us to, the ultimate destination, is the people we’ve harmed.

We started by taking an inventory of our morals. Morals include basic rights and wrongs. This would include stealing, lying, cheating, manipulating, seeking revenge, being mean or cruel, and other similar actions. We followed this by telling God, ourselves, and someone else exactly what we had done wrong. If we didn’t get detailed in our Fifth Step, we’ll need to do that now. Whom have we lied to, cheated on, stolen from? Whom did we betray? Have we done something to get even with someone who hurt us? Before, we were looking for behaviors. Now, we’re looking for names.

In Steps Six and Seven, we looked at defects of character and shortcomings, turning them over to God and asking Him to take them. Now, we’re looking for the people, businesses, and other organizations that a lack of morals, a shortcoming, or a defect caused us to directly or indirectly harm. Did we neglect our responsibilities to someone? Maybe we behaved so codependently that we loaned our rent money to someone and then we had to borrow money from someone else to pay our rent. Then we avoided that person when it came time to pay him or her back. Maybe we gave up and stopped paying our bills because we became so depressed. Did we accept paychecks from an employer but go to work and obsess all day and not do our job? That’s stealing.

Sometimes we hurt the people we love most, and that’s more than words to a song. We may have become so obsessed with our husband that we neglected our
children or were cranky with them when they didn’t deserve it. You’ll need your list of behaviors, emotions, and beliefs to help you identify names too—whether or not you used that list to work the Steps.

You can start from the present and work backward. Or start at the beginning of your life and work up to now. Thoughtfully write the name of each person you’ve harmed. Don’t let the codependent guilts get in the way. You may feel responsible for every bad thing that’s ever happened in the world, but that’s codependency. It’s not something you actually did.

Don’t worry if you can’t remember the person’s last name or if you don’t know where someone lives. It may take weeks or months to complete the list of people you hurt depending on your age, how long you behaved codependently, and how codependent you were. Take as much time as you need to do a thorough job.

By now, your hard work has begun paying off. You’re clearer and more connected to God, yourself, and your intuition. You’re growing in self-trust, and you’re also more trusting of the guidance you receive. If you sincerely ask God for help, every name that needs to be on your list will get there when it’s time.