Codependent No More Workbook (15 page)

“With more soul-searching, I discovered an underlying assumption by which I live: I am not good enough. Other beliefs or life themes have included not measuring up to others, not being popular, not being wanted or desired, not being able to do anything right, not ever significantly impacting anything, and being a late bloomer.

“Perhaps if we discover our assumptions or beliefs about ourselves,” Pira said, “we’d have the opportunity to change the undesirable ones.”

She’s correct. You can’t put water in a glass that’s already full. We need to get rid of the old to make room for the new.

By now, you’ve gotten a glimpse that this work may be difficult. It’s easier to suffer if we know it’s for a good cause. There’s an important, crucial reason for doing this work. You’re identifying and getting rid of the old things that hold you back to make room for life to deliver good stuff to you.

One other idea to keep in mind is our impressive ability to justify what we do. By looking clearly and closely at ourselves, we can drop our justifications and truly clean our side of the street.

“I have always thought that one of the big, big deals with the Twelve Steps (which I’ve worked in AA for twenty-one years and in Al-Anon for two) is the ability—or inability—to be honest with myself, especially when it comes to being honest about ’my part,’” said A. J., another woman recovering from codependency. “I’m always amazed by my ability to justify why I do what I do, like when something triggers old emotions and I respond out of proportion. I feel crazy for feeling the way I do.”

Remember, you’re not crazy; you’re codependent. By doing this work, one day your behaviors will make sense to you. Something will click. Behaviors that have baffled you for years, made you feel crazy, or caused you guilt can suddenly make complete sense. When it happens, we forgive ourselves. Don’t try to make this awareness happen.
Let
it happen. That’s what we’re learning to do. Despite all the things we may have done or that other people did to us, we truly can trust God, ourselves, and life.

Think of this as a treasure hunt—and you are the gold.

It will take many sittings to complete a thorough, complete inventory. Create a comfortable space to do your work. Each time, before beginning, say a prayer to your Higher Power asking for guidance and help. Light a candle. Ensure you have privacy and a calm environment so you can hear yourself think. Then fearlessly go searching and make a thorough inventory of you.

It’s easy to see how people, places, and things from our past have harmed us. It’s harder and takes focus to see the good that we’ve gained from our experiences. But there is good, and plenty of it. People from alcoholic or dysfunctional families seem to do better in stressful times than most people, and they can handle hard times and heavy workloads on the job when other people fold. Their pasts have made them stronger and more reliable than other people who haven’t had it as hard.

After we finish our Fourth and Fifth Steps and get all the junk out, we can start seeing ourselves in a new light. We can start looking at our families and our pasts differently. Who’s to say we didn’t get exactly what we needed to make us healers, teachers, or whatever and whoever we’ve become—or who we’re going to be?

You’ll know when you’re finished with your inventory and Steps Four through Nine. You’ll be able to look at your past with peace. People say we can’t change the past, but that’s not true. We can change it by how we perceive it, and whether we use it to become and stay victims, or to show ourselves how strong we are. We don’t diminish or trivialize tragedies such as abuse and other things that no human being should have to go through. The goal of this work is to feel everything we need to feel that we didn’t feel before, and then to release the emotions, forgive other people and ourselves so we can love and respect ourselves, and feel confident in our ability to love other people too.

Be aware that as you do this inventory and look back at your past, you may feel depressed until you go in for your Fifth Step. That’s why it’s important to have the appointment set. Try not to take your feelings too seriously if a lot of difficult emotions come up. It’s like when we clean house—things look worse for a while, because we’ve piled up all the dirt and the mess. We create chaos to make space for order to set in.

If the emotions get too hard to handle, talk to someone while you’re waiting for the date of your Fifth Step. Another one of our shortcomings may be that we don’t ask for the help we need because we don’t want to burden anyone. We think we should be able to handle everything by ourselves, no matter how hard it is or how bad we feel. But if you need support or just an evening out with a friend, ask. Don’t ask from the standpoint of being a victim who needs taking care of. Don’t demand or manipulate. But do ask, as one healthy adult asking another for help.

Step Five is powerful. You’ll receive powerful results if you’re thorough in your work. Many of us, because we don’t believe it’s okay to be who we are, aren’t used to being gut-level honest with ourselves, other people, and God, so we stay trapped in the past.

It’s said that Joan of Arc, before taking her warriors into battle, had them get down on their knees, confess their wrongdoings, and ask God to forgive them. She was an intelligent woman and guided by God. When we’re carrying guilt, we believe we deserve to be punished. She knew her warriors wouldn’t do their best on the battlefields if they went to war with guilt and remorse inside them. They needed forgiveness first.

Look at this as a sacred time in your life when you’re cleansing your heart and soul, getting rid of old emotions, wounds, mistakes, guilt—the things that can hold you back from feeling joy and experiencing success. Be gentle with yourself until the day comes when you go in for your Fifth Step. Then, be as honest as possible. If you’re lucky, the person listening to your Step will help guide you. You can get the very worst, most painful things off your chest, and just let them go—be done with them. If possible, write down the words that person says at the end—especially any good qualities he or she observes in you. You may hang on to these words for the rest of your life. I did. They can be exactly what you need to hear.

After taking your Fifth Step, you may feel many pounds lighter. But some people don’t get an immediate sense of relief. It may also take time for the emotions and guilt to lift. Recovery isn’t the same for everyone. If you don’t feel like a brand-new person the second you’ve finished, it doesn’t mean you did it wrong, or didn’t do it well enough. Give yourself time.

Also, other incidents, emotions, or beliefs you forgot may come up after you do your Fifth Step. Often, these can be important issues that you also need to get off your chest. If that happens, make a follow-up appointment and finish.

Remember, while you’re taking your Fifth Step, that you’re not just telling another person about yourself. You’re telling God and yourself too. When you finish, go someplace where you can be by yourself for some quiet time to talk to God, look at your past, and see yourself with eyes of forgiveness and love. This is who you are, where you’ve been, and what you’ve done. It’s your journey so far.

As one woman said, “Everything—every dirty little detail of my life—was meant to be and can be used for good.”

You’ve just finished one of the hardest, bravest things you will ever be asked to do. Know you’re loved by God. You’re deep into the journey of learning to
love other people and yourself. No matter what happened in your past or what you did to protect yourself, you don’t need survival behaviors anymore. You’re safe now.

A rich journey awaits you. You’ll see and do wonderful things. You’re in the midst of becoming transformed. You’ll still be you, but the gold will shine more, and the rust and flaws will either become a beautiful part of you, you’ll let go of them, or they’ll be turned over, and you’ll use those parts for good. The defects will be turned into assets that help others and ultimately help you.

But it’s not over yet. Just as Steps Four and Five go together, so do Steps Six and Seven. The two pairs couple together. They may not be the stairway to heaven, but they’re the stairway to self-love and love for others. These four Steps—Four, Five, Six, and Seven—are a unit unto themselves. They also go with another couplet, Steps Eight and Nine.

Before you go to sleep the evening after you take your Fifth Step, even though you may be exhausted, you have two more Steps to work.

The action you’ll take is different. Easier. The grueling and hard work is done. But it’s critical that you follow up Step Five with Steps Six and Seven. So drive directly home, or to someplace where it’s quiet and you can be alone. If you have to sleep, eat, or go to work first, then that’s what you must do. But if it’s at all possible, go directly to some place quiet and private, and work the next two Steps.