Codependent No More Workbook (17 page)
Read Codependent No More Workbook Online
Authors: Melody Beattie
It’s time to have a heart-to-heart discussion, but it’s not yet time to talk to God. The first discussion is the one you’re going to have with yourself.
Are you ready to let go of your survival behaviors, your habitual codependent behaviors that you may have made a way of life? Are you ready to let God, in His wisdom and timing, remove your low self-worth? Remember how you told yourself that the reason bad things happened was because you were a bad person? Are you ready to let go of that character defect, to let God take it?
God may not just swoop down and in one moment remove these things. Most likely, you’ll go through experiences that will (1) make you aware of the behavior or defect, (2) help you accept that it’s a behavior you no longer need or want to use, and (3) help you change. Either you will learn how to reverse a negative behavior into a positive quality, or you will be given some options.
Becoming ready to change is a process. This is the true beginning of changing your codependent behaviors.
Are you ready to open your mouth and talk directly? Ready to say who you are and what you want instead of hemming and hawing? Ready to be alone instead of being in a relationship with someone who makes you miserable? Ready to be financially responsible for yourself? Be prepared for how long it takes to become financially responsible. We work toward freedom and self-responsibility. While we may have complained about being controlled and held back by someone we’ve been in a relationship with, it can be convenient to blame someone else for where we’re at and for our misery. It can be scary taking responsibility—true responsibility—for our happiness, our life, our sense of self-fulfillment, and our choices. But what’s scarier is not changing and feeling victimized for the rest of our lives.
Are you ready to truly turn all of you over to your Creator—God as you understand God—and let Him decide what your defects are and what, how, and when they’ll be taken from you?
You’ve worked so hard, come so far. I cannot make this choice for you. But if the answer is yes, or you’re willing to become willing, then, if you can get on your knees—either physically or in spirit—do that. You can say a prayer of your own choosing to take the Seventh Step. Or you can use the following prayer, which I wrote, based on the prayer in
Alcoholics Anonymous.
GOD, I’M WILLING
that you take all of me. I surrender myself to your care—body, mind, and soul—-for however long I’m going to be here. I cannot change myself. I’ve tried for years and made a mess. Your love for me sees past that, and I thank you for that. I thank you for everything that’s taken me from all the pain I’ve been in—the confusion, the lack of clarity—to this place where we’re entering into an active partnership, with you shaping me into who I am to become.
I realize I don’t have to fear that I’ll disappear or lose myself. The truth is, I’ve lost myself in all these past unhealthy relationships. I understand that this is an act of love on your part to help me find myself and discover who I really am. I pray now that you might take all of me—good and bad, defects and strengths—and use me in your service. I humbly ask that you might take my shortcomings and turn me into who you, in your omnipotence and wisdom, want me to become.
I thank you in advance. I also understand that at times this process may not be easy. I do ask for a favor. Sometimes, I don’t understand things. Please be as gentle as possible with me, and show me what I am to do in a way that I understand. Let me feel your loving touch and be assured of your guidance.
Turn me into a warrior and a loving person, someone whom you can use in your kingdom to help others heal and to fulfill your plan for me. I trust you to fill in all the details of how I can best learn what I’m to learn, change what I’m to change, and be of the greatest service to you and others.
I thank you for all you’ve done for me up until now. I thank you in advance for what’s coming. Take self-will and fear from me. Take financial insecurity and the fear that I cannot take care of myself. Help me to see myself a little bit at least the way you see me. Keep me on track. Let my will be aligned with yours, and remove anything that stands between them.
As much as I can, help me let go of my need to control and be in denial. Give me courage to face the truth. Reveal my purpose to me—why I’m here
on earth, what you want me to do, and who you want me to be. More than anything, help me let go of desiring and wanting. Help me become an open channel of love, awareness, and healing for other people, so by my actions they will want to serve you too.
Help me let go of narcissism, vainglory, and seeking to be superior Instead, let me be clear about who is the Master and who is the servant. All the days of my life, help me to remember that I’m not here to acquire things and power, but to be of loving service.
This prayer is just a suggestion for talking to your Higher Power. Use words of your choosing; they may be completely different. But be prepared now. For what you have done is ask God to put you in a refining process, filter out your defects, and let them be replaced by His loving, healing power.
You may be amazed at the lessons that begin—and how quickly they start. Sometimes you may barely catch your breath from one lesson when the next one begins, and the next one will be more challenging and harder. Remember, unnecessary pieces of clay will be removed. You’re being sculpted, masterfully created into a new person.
One warning: It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking your life up until this moment hasn’t mattered. That’s inappropriate thinking. From the first breath you drew at birth until your lungs exhale your last, every moment of your life is important. It matters. Now you’ll begin learning how to make every moment count.
Activity
You may be either energized or absolutely exhausted. What an experience! No matter how many Fourth and Fifth Steps you take, you’ll likely always remember this as your best, your finest—because it is. Carefully put away all papers from your Fifth Step. These are private, for nobody’s eyes but your own. I’ve watched people play games with this, leaving their written Step out so a spouse or parent could see it. That will likely cause pain and is part of a game. If you don’t have a safe place, then burn it. It’s not a bad idea to burn one copy of your Fourth Step while keeping another. (You’ll need it to make your list of amends.) At the beginning of this workbook, I said these Steps are hard work. This is some of the hardest but most rewarding work you’ll ever do. Before you go to bed, please put away all papers concerning your Fourth and Fifth Steps. Choose a place where it’s completely impossible for anyone else to find your papers.
Then get a great night’s sleep. This time, you’ll want to take some time before you dive into the next Step. Don’t push yourself too hard or fast into the next lesson. Make certain you’re feeling renewed and ready to move on. Remember, in the first month after your Fifth Step, something else might come up that you need to get off your chest. If that happens, please take care of yourself accordingly. Set an appointment with a counselor or clergyperson and deal with it.
At the beginning of this lesson, I told you how much I loved these Steps, how grateful I am for them. These two little Steps alone should also be in your pocket or purse, ready to pull out and use on a moment’s notice.
When a problem, a feeling, or an issue comes up that you can’t handle, quickly repeat Steps Six and Seven. Ask God to help you become ready to let go of your anger, fear, “stuckness,” financial instability, indecision, or yearning. Then ask God humbly to take it from you. I can’t think of one problem you can’t use this on. The key and the trick is becoming ready. For some reason, we like clinging to these defects.
Activity
Buy a plain, small notebook. Write Steps Six and Seven in it. Turn to these Steps whenever anything arises—whether it’s your anger, your confusion, your need for direction, or a resentment. It doesn’t have to be a huge problem. God cares about all parts of your life. Then write in the notebook about the issues you use these two Steps on. After identifying a problem, ask God to help you to become entirely ready to have Him remove the shortcoming. Then ask Him to take it from you—to remove it! Stay aware of what happens, for example, if a lesson begins or something else takes place. Do not try to control it. If you’re going to try to do anything, try to surrender more deeply. This notebook can help you fall in love with these two little Steps too.