Codependent No More Workbook (24 page)

Many ways exist to carry the message, according to Twelve Step literature. We can sponsor someone. Sponsorship means we agree to have a special relationship with someone in the program and preferably a member of the same sex. We’ll meet with that person outside meetings and work on issues and problems in greater detail with her or him.

Being a role model is a way to carry the message. That means living a life that stands out as one that others admire and desire for themselves. They want what we have, but it’s not our money, home, or spouse they desire. It’s the way we work our program and our way of life.

We can carry the message by speaking at meetings. Just attending meetings can help others. If someone is ill or in the hospital, we can visit.

We can be of service by helping set up the room where meetings are held, or cleaning up after the meeting finishes. Or we can volunteer to be secretary or treasurer of the group. Sharing our recovery story at meetings is another way we carry the message. Taking your turn and talking about the solution can be particularly helpful. Anyone can go on and on endlessly, complaining about what hurts. While that may be necessary and important for a while, it’s also important in meetings—especially for people recovering from codependency—to share with the group how working a Step solved a problem.

In the first lesson I wrote this, but it bears repeating: The biggest shortcoming of the codependency recovery movement is that codependents frequently don’t take working the Steps as seriously as alcoholics and addicts. They think it’s an option, often because they haven’t been the ones using drugs or drinking. While these Steps are suggested, not mandatory, they’re the vehicle by which we change and grow. If we don’t work them, not much is going to happen. The Promises and spiritual awakenings are for those who work these Steps. I’ve often seen what happens to people who go to meetings but don’t work the Steps. They remain perpetual victims, mostly of themselves and their own behaviors and actions. The Twelve Steps are similar to climbing the mountains in China. If you don’t climb the steps, you don’t get to the temple at the top. You can stand and watch others climb and reach the temple. But you won’t move up unless you climb the steps yourself.

“I’ve seen and had the message carried to me in many ways,” said one woman in Al-Anon. “At the first meeting I attended, I saw other people—and that included some living in and with situations much worse than mine—who were happy, serene, and peaceful. They weren’t being controlled by someone else’s behavior. They were the captain of their own ships. They made it clear that this happened by working the Twelve Steps.”

Another man described the message that he received this way: “I’m a Double Winner. My son’s behavior was out of control and destroying our family life. I learned that I didn’t have to engage in his insanity. I didn’t have to be controlled by his behavior. Most of all, it wasn’t my job to control him.”

“The message that someone carried to me was that I’d become as out of control as the alcoholic,” said one woman, another Double Winner. “If I wanted to find peace, sanity, serenity, and a desire to live, I needed to work two programs. Even though I wasn’t crazy about the idea at first, I needed to work the Steps again, this time on my codependency.”

“I could think, I could feel, I could take care of myself. I could solve my problems and let go of what I couldn’t solve. That’s the message someone carried to me. It changed my life,” another recovering codependent said.

Of all the messages I’ve heard, this is my favorite: “I can detach with love. I can’t control anything with worry. I can trust God, even when I’m not certain I can,” said A. J., a recovering codependent. “And rarely are things as I perceive them.”

We’ll get the message we most need when we need it. When we get out of the way and stop trying to control people and work the Eleventh Step by striving to do God’s will for us, we’ll be the message carrier for others. We give and we get.

These principles show us how God wants us to live, and they help us live that way. Often, religious principles can be confusing, complex, and open to an extremely wide range of interpretation, from behaving codependently to killing others and starting war. That’s not to say there’s anything wrong with religions. They’re beautiful, each one, in its pure form. Unfortunately, people often manipulate the ideas from a beautiful religion into something full of hatred and control.

The principles of the Twelve Steps work well in any area of our lives where we’re having trouble. That’s likely why so many different kinds of Twelve Step groups have begun. From dealing with financial problems to eating disorders, gambling, sexually acting out, having to be in love, suffering from phobias, and excessive fear and anxiety, if these Steps are applied to the problem, they’ll be the solution.

The more we practice these Steps, the easier they become. But I haven’t yet met anyone who works them perfectly. That’s why we’ve been given the slogan Progress not perfection.

All you need to do is your best. Your Higher Power will take care of the rest. Your needs will be met. Your lessons will come to you, when it’s time—one after another. You’re being refined. You’re becoming a new person.

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Brandhagen, Dean. “Addictionz” Web site (www.addictionz.com), a collection of Twelve Step sayings, slogans, Steps, and traditions.

Co-Dependents Anonymous
, First Edition. Denver: CoDA Resource Publishing, 1995.

Gawain, Shakti. Creative Visualization:
Use the Power of Your Imagination to Create What You Want in Your Life
. Novato, CA: Nataraj Publishing, 1978.

Hill, Napoleon.
The Law of Success: The Master Wealth-Builder’s Complete and Original Lesson Plan for Achieving Your Dreams
. New York: Tarcher/Penguin, 2008.

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A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose
. New York: Plume/Penguin, 2006.