Coffin Island (19 page)

“
We don’t care that you’re
pouring blood,” I said.

“
We’re disappointed that
it’s not killing you,” Madison said.

“
I’m not guilty of
anything,” The Red Lady shouted.

“
How do you figure that?” I
asked.

“
It was Professor Coffin’s
plan to kill you,” The Red Lady said.

“
I beg your pardon, you
trollop,” Professor Coffin bellowed.

“
I was just going to execute
it,” The Red Lady said. “How can you blame me for attempting to
kill you?”

“
Don’t kill the messenger
even if the messenger is trying to kill you?” Madison
asked.

“
You have to go up the chain
of command,” The Red Lady said.

“
That’s not the issue,” I
said.

“
We’re taking issue with
your incompetence,” Madison said.

“
You teased us with death,
madam,” Professor Coffin said. “What do you have to say for
yourself, you old tart?”

“
Why don’t we all forget
about it?” The Red Lady asked. “Seeing as I didn’t succeed. How can
you hold it against me?”

“
What’s a murder plot
between friends?” Madison asked.

“
You’re a murderess
yourself,” The Red Lady snarled.

“
Don’t get haughty with me,”
Madison said. “I’ve murdered tougher broads than you.”

“
We’re all guilty here until
proven not innocent,” Professor Coffin said.

“
Let’s place the blame on
somebody else,” The Red Lady suggested.

“
It is certainly not my
fault,” Madison said. “Because if it were my murder plot. I would
have executed it beautifully. You’d be dead.”

“
Only a fool could argue
with that,” I said. “Madison gets off.”

“
Good luck pinning this
murder plot on me,” Professor Coffin grinned. “I just came up with
the idea. It’s not my fault that it took on a life of its
own.”

“
The witchcraft defense,”
Madison shrugged. “I’ll buy that.”

“
It’s sort of my fault,” I
said. “I suppose.”

“
You pulled the short straw,
Booster,” Madison said. “You’re the last man standing in the land
of witchcraft.”

“
He has the height,”
Professor Coffin agreed. “Always convict the tallest man in the
room.”

“
You let me stow away,
Headmaster Booster,” The Red Lady shouted. “You watched me climb
aboard Doctor Fast. I knew this wasn’t my fault. You’re guilty of
letting me be me.”

“
You let this murderous old
hag climb aboard Doctor Fast?” Madison practically shouted. “She
could actually kill us now that we have no powers.”

“
You can’t fault The
Headmaster for permitting you your faults,” Professor Coffin said
evenly.

“
The Headmaster is too
consumed with his own faults to notice anyone else’s,” Madison
said.

“
I hadn’t considered that
distraction but it’s still The Red Lady’s fault,” Professor Coffin
said firmly.

“
How is it my fault?” The
Red Lady demanded.

“
You failed to kill us,
madam,” Professor Coffin said.

“
How do you propose to
rectify that?” I asked.

“
I don’t think that I can
kill anyone until this blood stops,” The Red Lady said.

“
Dereliction of duty,
heretic,” Professor Coffin said.

“
I’m gushing buckets of
blood,” The Red Lady cried.

“
What do you think of the
blood?” I asked.

“
Don’t hold back,” Madison
said.

“
Speak plainly, harlot,”
Professor Coffin said.

“
It should be yours,” The
Red Lady snarled.

“
She shows no remorse,”
Professor Coffin said.

“
I’m not sure how to view
this,” I said.

“
It’s how she views it,”
Madison said.

“
Penny for your thought,
strumpet,” Professor Coffin said.

“
I don’t care that it’s
happening,” The Red Lady said. “I just want it to stop because it’s
annoying.”

“
What are you going to do
when it stops?” Madison asked.

“
I’m going to kill all of
you,” The Red Lady said. “You’ve infuriated me.”

“
You can’t straighten out
the hunchback of Notre Dame,” Professor Coffin said.

“
Otherwise he wouldn’t be a
hunchback,” Madison snapped.

“
He’d be the hatchback of
Notre Dame,” Professor Coffin confirmed.

“
We’re going to have to do
something about this,” I said.

“
This is quite the little
problem,” Professor Coffin agreed.

“
You’ve got a big problem on
your hands,” The Red Lady snarled.

“
I tend to agree,” I
said.

“
Are you saying that we
should kill her before she tries to kill us?” Madison
asked.

“
It’s real death here,” I
said.

“
I’m not going to disagree,”
The Red Lady said.

“
You watch how this viper
behaves,” Professor Coffin said.

“
She is going to reach for
our throats any second,” Madison said.

“
I certainly hope so,”
Professor Coffin said. “I’ve been trying to get her to touch my
hyoid bone for four centuries.”

“
I already told you that I
can’t kill anyone until this blood stops,” The Red Lady snapped.
“The blood has some sort of power over me. Then I’m ripping out
your voice boxes.”

“
She seems to be slowing
down on the blood,” I said.

“
Her pallid color is
returning,” Professor Coffin said. “That rosy flesh was beginning
to concern me.”

“
I think we should kill her
now before she gets any whiter,” Madison said.

“
Bleeds down to empty,” I
said.

“
Only a fool would disagree
with this murder plot,” Professor Coffin said.

“
You’re the fool that
thought of this entire idea,” Madison said.

“
You can’t put a man’s hand
to the flame of his delusional thinking,” Professor Coffin
said.

“
We wouldn’t want to ruin
the insanity defense?” Madison asked.

“
Why go mad if you can’t
acquit yourself?” Professor Coffin asked.

“
It appears that The Red
Lady is done spurting blood,” I said.

“
It wasn’t much of a
punishment for murder,” Madison said. “I’m happy about
that.”

“
Witchcraft has got a cold
heart,” I agreed.

“
That’s why they call it
witchcraft,” Professor Coffin confirmed.

“
A dead old broad is at the
heart of it,” Madison snorted.

“
You didn’t go through it,”
The Red Lady snapped.

“
Murder is a misdemeanor in
this world,” Professor Coffin said. “Watch it with the traffic
violations.”

“
I’m still standing here,”
The Red Lady shouted. “What do you have to say about that? Do you
have any last words?”

Chapter

“
This is quite the
conundrum,” Professor Coffin mused. “We’ve got a bloodless hitch on
our hands.”

“
What’s a human witch
without any blood?” I asked.

“
A zombie witch,” Professor
Coffin said coolly.

“
A womb,” Madison
shrugged.

“
It’s between births,”
Professor Coffin confirmed.

“
I’m going back into the
shipwreck for my cutlass,” The Red Lady said. “Then I’m going to
cut out your gallbladder and throw it to the sharks.”

“
Quite the visual,” I
said.

“
You’ll loose that cheek
when I cut off your cheeks,” The Red Lady snarled.

“
You’re starting to get my
attention,” I said.

“
Your headless torso will be
my toilet,” The Red Lady snarled.

“
You’ve got my full
attention now,” I said.

“
Stop threatening us,”
Madison challenged. “And feed us our livers.”

The Red Lady screamed in frustration.
She climbed back into the shipwreck. She went through a hole in the
side of the hull to get below deck for her overworked cutlass. The
buzzard was rummaging around in the keel by the sounds of it with
whatever creature was in there.

“
Having trouble finding our
cutlass, my dear?” Professor Coffin asked.

“
Don’t worry,” The Red Lady
shouted. “I’ll find it. Then cut out your colon. And pull it over
your head.”

“
A lot of hungry sharks out
there,” Madison said.

“
Why not feed them the
duodenum as an appetizer?” I asked.

“
Your heart is coming out
first, Booster,” The Red Lady shouted.

“
That’s an organ that I
can’t do without,” I said.

“
How do we get this
murderess out of our van dykes,” Professor Coffin growled and
tugged upon his stinky beard.

Professor Coffin was taking it upon
himself to answer the question. He was feeding wet rope into the
holes of the shipwreck. He was peppering it with glass boulders
from the shore. Was this supposed to be our lesson at The Crypt
Island School for Witches? Don’t take a murderess on your ship?
Professor Coffin was actively trying to save us. What to make of
that?

I was thinking that the lesson here was
that Professor Coffin was running our test. The Red Lady was some
element that had failed to test us properly. Or she was just a lose
end that had gone off on her own warpath. Perhaps she was supposed
to kill us to prevent us from getting to the next world. However
why would Professor Coffin attempt to stop that? Maybe he wasn’t
running the test. Or he had gone haywire too. Perhaps the very test
itself had gone haywire. Witchcraft had taken over.

However there were more pressing
concerns such as the serial killer that had just gone active again.
How do you herd a mass murderer? Bring her back into the fold of
civilized society without shedding blood. Some critics might
speculate that it couldn’t be done. I was among their ranks.
Wouldn’t it just be simpler to kill her?

“
Why die peacefully when you
can make a big public bloodbath in front of your intended murder
victims?” Madison asked while helping Professor Coffin with the
rope and the glass boulders. “And then attempt to kill them
again?”

“
Become a zombie of all
things?” I asked while loading glass boulders into the
portholes.

“
We need a burlap bag for
this aged cat,” Professor Coffin said.

“
Hurl her into the emerald
ocean and let witchcraft sort it out,” I said.

“
It’s done a marvelous job
thus far,” Madison laughed.

“
That zombie is monstrous,”
Professor Coffin said while tamping down the glass boulders. “But
she is very attractive to me for reasons that mystify even
me.”

“
You want to date a zombie,”
I said.

“
A witch zombie,” Madison
said. “He wants to date a womb.”

“
My love for that womb is
undying,” Professor Coffin grinned.

“
What better arm candy could
you find for this town,” I said.

“
You should climb in there
with her,” Madison suggested.

“
There is the practical
problem that she wants to kill me,” Professor Coffin said. “It
prevents a proper courtship.”

“
I want to kill you all,”
The Red Lady shouted from inside the hull of the shipwreck. She was
pounding on it to get out. “Let me out so I can kill
you.”

“
You’re staying in there
until we figure out how to cage you on a permanent basis,” I
said.

“
What’s a school without a
few violent bullies?” Professor Coffin asked.

“
I’m looking forward to
dissecting her in science class,” Madison said.

“
Nail her to a board like a
frog,” Professor Coffin suggested. “Spread her legs a
bit.”

“
I wouldn’t be standing on
that glass shoreline when I hack my way out of this shipwreck with
my cutlass,” The Red Lady shouted.

“
Right back at you,” I
said.

“
I may have my way with you
first,” Professor Coffin bellowed. “Forewarned is forearmed,
madam.”

“
You leave us no choice but
to let Professor Coffin pillage you,” Madison snorted.

“
I’m going to be doing the
pillaging,” The Red Lady shouted.

The Red Lady was attempting to hack her
way out of the hull with her cutlass.

“
You’re not doing any
pillaging anytime soon,” I shrugged.

“
We can consider how to
pillage you at our leisure,” Professor Coffin said. “No need to
hurry us.”

“
You’ll be so tired by the
time that you get out,” Madison said. “I’m going to break your
elderly skeleton over my knee like a stick.”