Coffin Island (20 page)

“
Then the pillaging will
commence,” Professor Coffin bellowed.

“
I’m going to stone you to
death,” I said. “That’s just how it’s going to go down if you poke
your head out of that ship.”

“
Old Testament style,”
Madison snorted.

“
We’re a bundle of billets
in this world, old girl,” Professor Coffin bellowed.

“
We’re all kindling for the
pyre?” The Red Lady crowed.

“
The bubbling rum hints at
it,” Madison snorted.

“
What do I have to do to get
out here?” The Red Lady asked. “Promise not to pillage you. That
doesn’t seem fair.”

“
Your word is worthless now
that you are a zombie,” Professor Coffin said.

“
A pirate’s word is
worthless,” Madison said.

“
That’s why we can’t trust
each other,” Professor Coffin said. “We’re two pillagers passing in
the village at night.”

“
It sounds consensual,”
Madison snorted.

“
I feel terrible,” The Red
Lady groaned. “Something really bad is happening to me now. There
also is this very scary creature down here in the hull.”

“
What’s the problem, madam?”
Professor Coffin asked and put his ear to the shipwreck to diagnose
the patient.

“
I stopped bleeding but now
something worse is happening to me,” The Red Lady gasped. “My blood
from the bilge is reentering me!”

“
How do you feel?” Professor
Coffin asked.

“
I feel horrible,” The Red
Lady groaned. “Blood is breaking into my feet like a
thief.”

“
Her blood is reentering
her,” Madison said. “Damn it.”

“
She could still be
in-charge,” I groaned.

I then pounded on the hull of Doctor
Fast in deep frustration. Couldn’t witchcraft cut us a
break?

The creature in the hull of Doctor Fast
pounded back with ferocity. I just ignored it. Didn’t I have enough
on my plate? It seemed like the key to that creature was to flat
out ignore it.

“
She’s still a suspect,”
Madison groaned.

“
That’s humanness entering
you,” Professor Coffin shouted. “I just felt a ping of it myself
through the hull.”

Professor Coffin thought the hideous
pounding of the creature in the hull was a ping of
humanness?

“
It’s worse than The Black
Death,” The Red Lady coughed. “Which of you would like to drown me
now? Someone needs to hold my head under. I can’t stand being
human. I feel terrible. There is also this hideous creature in
here. It demands to be acknowledged.”

Chapter

“
We’re all hitches here
now,” Professor Coffin beamed. “You’re no longer a
womb.”

“I’ve been birthed into this world of
glass?” The Red Lady gasped. “I’m a hitch?”

“
Another human witch,”
Madison groaned. “Aren’t there any real witches left?”

“
My cutlass is offensive to
me,” The Red Lady said. “I can’t even pick it up. The creature in
here is taunting me.”

“
I don’t like the sound of
that,” Professor Coffin frowned. “Who is going to protect us from
No Thing when it finally shows up?”

“
I thought you wanted to go
to glass Alcatraz,” I said.

“
I do,” Professor Coffin
beamed. “But not without a proper fight waged by proxy. I have my
own hide to protect. There is my dignity too.”

“
I don’t think that I can
kill anymore people,” The Red Lady said. “I’m too depressed. The
creature in the hull is really distressing.”

“
Is your conscience
bothering you now that you are human?” I asked.

“
I have a few regrets,” The
Red Lady snuffed.

“
Don’t we all,” Madison
snapped. “Get over your remorse before I get over it for you. Lop
your head off and kick it down the temple stairs like a bag of
garbage.”

“
Or an infant,” Professor
Coffin said. “We used to do that during The Great War to toughen up
the newborns.”

“
Would you do that for me,”
The Red Lady asked shakily.

“
It’s a good thing that the
young don’t murder their elders in this culture,” Professor Coffin
mused. “It’s not in the hitch tradition.”

“
We’ve got to patronize the
old bags in this culture,” I groaned.

“
Youth must suffer,”
Professor Coffin confirmed.

“
It might be time to
modernize,” Madison said.

“
Professor Coffin’s bumbling
has turned us into hitches,” I said.

“
We might need to
reconfigure our standards to a more human level,” Madison
said.

“
We can’t lower ourselves to
that level of savagery,” Professor Coffin growled. “We have hitch
standard to uphold as ambiguous as they might be.”

“
We have to be mindful of
the fact that we are hitches without any standards whatsoever?”
Madison sneered.

“
We just make it up as we
go,” I said.

“
Why else would we be
hitches?” Professor Coffin demanded.

“
I don’t think that hitches
exist,” I said. “I’m not buying into the concept.”

“
How can you be a human
witch?” Madison demanded. “It sounds ludicrous.”

“
They exist in the realm of
the impossible,” Professor Coffin said loftily.

“
Where else would they be
scampering around?” Madison asked.

“
Little gossamer hooves,”
Professor Coffin agreed.

“
We’re just running around
in the vapors like unicorns,” I said.

“
Of course,” Professor
Coffin grinned.

“
Could you stop bickering
amongst yourselves?” The Red Lady asked from inside the shipwreck.
“I’m getting hysterical now that I’m a hitch.”

“
What’s your problem?”
Madison snapped.

“
Why are you so special?” I
asked.

“
Can’t you see that we’ve
got our hands full being hitches ourselves?” Professor Coffin
demanded. “We can’t counsel you too.”

“
We’re too busy dealing with
our own panic,” Madison said.

“
I’m getting a little
anxious,” I agreed. “When is the ruler of this world going to stop
demonstrating all these uncomfortable truths to us?”

“
I’m loosing my mind stuck
here,” Madison said.

“
Patience of the doldrums,
pupils,” Professor Coffin counseled.

“
You brought the doldrums
with you, Professor Coffin,” Madison shouted.

“
How else can you explain
this world of static?” I asked.

“Who wants to kill me now that I am
human?” The Red Lady asked. “I need to be put out of my misery
right now.”

“
I’m too busy meddling in
other people’s lives,” Professor Coffin said.

“
I’m too busy with the
voices in my head,” Madison said.

“
I’m too busy trying to get
us out of here,” I said and tugged on the invisible
leash.

“
Don’t I get a vote on my
own suicide?” The Red Lady asked.

“
You’ve been outvoted,” I
said.

“
Suicide denied,” Professor
Coffin bellowed.

“
Can’t you drown quietly
like a balanced person,” Madison said.

“
I wish I could,” The Red
Lady said. “But the water isn’t rising and my conscience won’t let
me go under.”

“
Not our problem,” I said.
“Get that creature in there to kill you.”

“
He won’t do it,” The Red
Lady pouted. “He enjoys watching me suffer.”

“
Welcome to the doldrums,”
Madison said.

“
We’re hitches,” Professor
Coffin bellowed. “But we’re still witches with impeccable moral
standards of dubious value.”

“
Find some stones for your
pockets,” Madison suggested. “Drown yourself like a talented
woman.”

“
To the lighthouse, madam,”
Professor Coffin bellowed.

“
I object,” The Red Lady
shouted.

“
We haven’t convicted you of
anything yet,” Professor Coffin said. “Have some patience, madam.
This is the doldrums.”

I can’t believe that it’s inside the
hull of a ship in the doldrums with a rude creature in it,” The Red
Lady said. “What sort of maniac thinks of this?”

“
She’s probably not running
the test,” Madison said.

“
This is the worst gallows
that I have ever stood upon,” The Red Lady shouted.

“
I’ve stood on far worse,”
Professor Coffin grinned.

“
You’re going to have to
brave whatever horrors Old Havana in glass holds for you,” I said.
“I’m still the Headmaster.”

“
That’s my sentence,
Headmaster Booster?” The Red Lady sniffed from inside the
shipwreck. “You’re too cruel. The creature is laughing at me
now.”

“
Everyone has to face their
humanness here including that creature that we won’t dignify,”
Madison said.

“
Why should we?” I demanded.
“Nobody is dignifying us.”

“
That creature has to look
its humanness right in the glass peeper,” Professor Coffin said as
he unblocked one of the portholes of the shipwreck. “Come out of
that wreck, madam. Leave the shipwreck to the creature that we
refuse to acknowledge.”

“
You’ve paid your debt to
society,” I said.

“
Just don’t let that damn
creature out,” Madison said.

“
He refuses to come out,”
The Red Lady said.

“
He’s just being contrary
because I’m being contrary,” I said.

“
He won’t acknowledge you
either,” The Red Lady said.

“
We’re in business,” I
declared.

“
Join the human race while
it goes under,” Professor Coffin said.

“
Or just stay in there with
the creature,” I suggested. “I don’t care.”

“
Welcome to the end of the
line,” Madison said.

“
I think we might have
learned something here,” I said.

“
I’d rather go back down
below deck and give drowning another try,” The Red Lady said as she
poked her head out of the porthole like a bird in a birdhouse. Why
wasn’t it nailed to the sun?

“
The Red Lady is the bird in
the hourglass in this world,” I gasped.

“
It helps explain why time
has stopped,” Madison said.

“
She has to come out,” I
said.

“
Will she peck your finger
if you put it in a porthole?” Professor Coffin pondered.

“I refuse to be a cuckoo,” The Red Lady
shouted.

“
There is no escaping the
monkey bird here,” Professor Coffin said. “Come out of that
birdhouse, you monkey bird.”

Chapter

“
Get out my shipwreck,” I
said. “I’ve sentenced you, you monkey bird.”

“
I’m going back below deck,”
The Red Lady pouted. “I don’t like my sentence. And I don’t
appreciate being called a monkey bird.”

“
You’re not supposed to like
your sentence, you big old monkey bird,” Madison
snorted.

“
I want you to kill me,” The
Red Lady snarled.

“
Denied,” I said.

“
You’ll get a lighter
sentence next time,” Professor Coffin bellowed.

“
I’m taking this shipwreck
down to Davy Jones,” The Red Lady said.

“
Why does she get to go to
that hallowed locker?” Professor Coffin demanded.

“
I’m climbing back into the
keel with the creature,” The Red Lady said and went below deck.
“You can’t stop me.”

“
I can pull you out of that
keel anytime I want,” Madison shouted. “I’m feeling downright human
myself.”

“
You aren’t killing yourself
on our watch, madam,” Professor Coffin said. “We’re all carriers of
this blasted humanness now.”

“
Why does she get to go down
with my ship?” I asked.

“
You’re making me do your
dirty work,” The Red Lady shouted from below deck.

“
Somehow drowning in the
emerald ocean does seem like progress,” I said.

“
Should we join her?”
Madison asked.

“
The end of time,” I
mused.

“
Will time sail off?”
Madison asked.

“
Going down with the ship in
spite of the specifics is specific,” Professor Coffin
said.

“
Drowning in this world is
full, final and not magical,” Madison said.

“
Are you trying to sell me
on drowning?” The Red Lady shouted from below deck. “I’ve already
made up my mind.”

“
You’re hemming and hawing,”
Madison snorted.

“
Stop threatening us with
your death, madam,” Professor Coffin bellowed.