College Sex - Philosophy for Everyone: Philosophers With Benefits (17 page)

A second related question is the extent to which friends with benefits relationships are limited to college campuses. Although no one has inves- tigated this, we believe that the answer is most likely no. We suspect that people do not stop all friends with benefits relationships after they grad- uate from college, though opportunities for these liaisons are likely less frequent. It seems likely that recent college graduates are willing to defer long-term relational plans to begin their career trajectory, but still want a stable romantic relationship (and many want to get married). Therefore, there likely comes a point where friends with benefits relationships

become less attractive and consistent with the desired lifestyle. So long as people are willing to eschew long-term romantic relationships to build their career and have a sufficient sample of attractive singles around them, friends with benefits relationships will likely occur off, as well as on, campus. We wouldn’t be at all surprised, however, if friends with benefits relationships are
primarily
a campus-based (i.e., high school and college) phenomenon. Anecdotally, we have heard from high school counselors that friends with benefits relationships exist among high school students.

So,Why have Sex with a Friend?

We have already said that friends with benefits relationships seem to be about casual, recreational sex with “no stings attached.” This appears to be their primary advantage. People wanting to have sex need a partner. But why choose a friend? One likely answer is simply convenience. Friends are frequently in the same social network and go out drinking together, which provides an opportunity for repeated sexual interactions. A friends with benefits partner may represent a sexual “plan B.” Lots of college students go out to a bar (or party, or other event involving the consumption of alcohol) in the hopes of meeting someone to have sex with (casual, relational, or both). But in this typical college life scenario, failing to meet someone means going home alone without sex (or “strik- ing out” in the slang of our youth). With a sexual plan B, even if friends are not together, one can simply drunk dial or text the partner at the end of the night to see if he is interested in sex. If neither friend meets some- one, they have a workable backup plan. Failing to pick someone up at the bar or party does not mean going without recreational sex.

A second advantage is that having a friends with benefits relationship is more likely to lead to sexual success when compared with going out to find a stranger. Particularly if the partners have hooked up before, the odds of a “yes, let’s do it” are better and a refusal is less ego threatening with a friend than with a stranger. That is, a “no” from a friends with benefits partner is likely interpreted as “I’m sleeping” rather than “Yuck, I have no interest in what you got” or “I can do better.”

A final potential advantage of a friends with benefits relationship is perceived safety. Sex can be risky. Unprotected sex can lead to preg- nancy, STDs, date rape, and stalkers (or worse). In many cases, partners

already know and are comfortable with their friends. Therefore, within a friends with benefits relationship, issues of birth control and safe sex can be addressed with more certainty and less awkwardness than with a stranger (assuming, of course, that partners know ahead of time that they are going to have sex and aren’t already drunk). Also, hooking up with a friend rather than a stranger may provide some protection against people with bad intents. Most people probably have confidence that their friend is not going to hurt them, but picking up a stranger while drunk is a con- siderably riskier proposition.

It is important to note that we labeled this potential advantage as
per- ceived
safety. It is hard to know how much of the perceived safety advan- tage of a friends with benefits relationship is real and how much is illusory. For example, if people think, “My friend would not have an STD, so there is no reason not to have safe sex with them,” the perceived relative safety of a friends with benefits relationship is misguided. Moreover, some of Paul’s data suggests that in many cases the first sexual interac- tion between friends was facilitated by the consumption of alcohol and was not planned ahead of time. Decision making in this sort of context (drunken and impulsive) is relatively unlikely to include safe sex.

So, the primary goal of a friends with benefits relationship is supposed to be casual, recreational sex with no strings attached. A major disadvan- tage of friends with benefits relationships, however, is that they can become considerably more complex than the simple no strings attached ideal would suggest. Sexual interaction without romantic feelings may create an irony and a catch. One of the primary downsides of friends with benefits relationships is the worry and, in many cases, reality that one (and only one) partner develops romantic feelings for his or her friend. In Tim’s research, nearly two-thirds of people in friends with benefits relationships shared this concern. This isn’t a great surprise that because the friends know each other well and enjoy each other’s company, the addition of sexual interaction likely brings up desires for something “real.” So, the major irony of friends with benefits relationships is that people have them precisely because they do not want romantic commit- ment with the person, but having sex creates the worry, and justifiably so, that romantic feeling will develop.

Another disadvantage of friends with benefits relationships is that they are not an effective way of establishing romantic relationships. In Tim’s research, only about 10 percent of friends with benefits relationships transi- tion into a boyfriend-girlfriend or some other type of romantic relationship.
5
This percentage may sound low to some readers, but remember, avoiding

TABLE 7.1 What became of the friends with benefits relationship

being romantically involved with the person is the point of friends with benefits relationships. Friends with benefits relationships will likely transi- tion to a romantic relationship only if both partners desire such a shift.

Another disadvantage of friends with benefits relationships is that they can create drama and damage the friendship.This worry is real. If neither partner desires a romantic relationship, the friends with benefits relation- ship might continue, or it might become “weird.”When only one partner desires a romantic relationship, but the other person desires sex but not a romantic entanglement, the situation becomes difficult to negotiate. In Tim’s research, about 25 percent of the people with friends with benefits relationships ended up losing both their friend and the benefits (both sexual and non-sexual) of that friendship.
6
Potential harm to the friend- ship is likely one reason why the most common outcome of friends with benefits relationships in Tim’s research was that the friendship went back to just friends without the benefits. Friends consider their friendship to be more valuable to them than the sexual gratification that they receive. Apparently, finding an alternative sexual partner is easier than finding another friend.The outcomes of friends with benefits relationships in our research are summarized in table 7.1.

Communication in Friends with Benefits Relationships

Given that the point of friends with benefits relationships is sex without romantic attachment and that the most commonly listed disadvantage of friends with benefits relationships is the worry that the other person will become romantically attached, one might think that the friends would just talk about their desires and expectations for the sex and the relationship. Our research, however, suggests that those involved in a friends with ben- efits relationship usually don’t do this. In relationships that might become romantic, the most frequently avoided (i.e., taboo) topic is about the rela- tionship itself.
7
This is true for friends with benefits relationships, too.
8

Another reason why partners might not talk about their friends with benefits relationships ahead of time is that, in most cases, they don’t know it is going to happen. Again, some of Paul’s recent data suggest that in many cases, friends don’t go out to a bar or party with the intention of sleeping with their friend. First-time sex in a friends with benefits relationship isn’t like a first date. Plans for first dates are most times made ahead of time and partners typically have a number of goals (i.e., outcomes such as testing the relational waters or having sex) that they want to reach by going on it. First- time sex in a friends with benefits relationship typically isn’t like that. In many cases, partners don’t know that they are going to have sex on a par- ticular night, let alone sex with a particular friend. In these cases, it is nearly impossible to negotiate the friends with benefits relationship ahead of time because friends don’t know that there is anything to negotiate.

The influence of alcohol is another reason why negotiating the mean- ing of sex might be difficult. Alcohol reduces inhibitions and causes peo- ple to focus on what makes their partner an attractive sexual partner instead of the damage that sexual activity might cause for the friendship. Therefore, while drunk, friends might initiate (perhaps unsafe) sexual activity with a friend that they wouldn’t do when sober. Moreover, alco- hol makes identifying the cause of the behavior more ambiguous (e.g., “I did it because I was really drunk” versus “I did it because I want some- thing more from my friendship”).

Once friends have sex the first time, there might be forces that keep them from directly negotiating the relationship. If partners have not dis- cussed their friendship (including the meaning of the sexual behavior that occurs within it) beforehand, partners might be confused as to whether the sex is (using our distinction) casual or relational. In other words, friends may not know if the sex reflects a budding romantic inter- est or merely sexual desire that just happened to be directed toward the friend. If partners don’t explicitly talk about the relationship (i.e., break the primary communicative taboo), partners appear to determine the meaning of the sexual interaction from other behaviors that partners either do (or do not) perform. For example, the meaning of the sex might be interpreted based on whether the friend calls or texts in the few days following the sex. Do friends engage in non-verbal behaviors that might reflect a romantic relationship (e.g., handholding), particularly in public? Do partners prearrange dyadic events that look like dates (e.g., going to a dinner, movie, or a sporting event)? How do partners act when they are both around other people? Under what conditions do they have sex again (e.g., after alcohol has been consumed)?

Assuming that partners don’t explicitly talk about the role of sex in their friendship, it is not surprising that high levels of uncertainty (and, potentially, discomfort) persist. The lack of explicit negotiation of the friends with benefits relationship, in many cases, is problematic. Across nearly all the relevant studies, there is a strong tendency for friends with benefits relationships to become problematic because one partner develops romantic feelings and a desire for romantic attachment, while the other does not. In such cases, the meanings associated with sex dif- fer across partners. For one person, the sexual interaction reflects growing feelings toward the partner (i.e., it is romantic), but for the other friend, the sex remains casual (i.e., it is sexual gratification with no relational implications). Such a situation is likely to become increas- ingly distressing for both partners and is likely one of the causes why, in many cases, partners lose both the friends and the benefits in the relationship.

The Bottom Line

Friends with benefits relationships are not as simple as no strings attached sex with a friend.Thinking about friends with benefits relationships raises important questions about the meaning of friendship and sex, and of the moral implications of sex, alcohol consumption, and campus lifestyle issues. Perhaps the central issue is one’s views on the idea of casual sex. The idea of sex outside romantic relationships is offensive to some and desirable to others. When moral choices are made while intoxicated, however, decisions are unlikely to be thoughtful.

NOTES

1. Kathleen A. Bogle,
   Hooking Up: Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus
   

   (New York: New York University Press, 2008).
   

2. Melissa A. Bisson and Timothy R. Levine, “Negotiating a Friends with Benefits Relationship,”
   Archives of Sexual Behavior
   38: 66–73; Paul A. Mongeau, J. Williams, C. Shaw, K. Knight, and A. Ramirez, Jr., “Definitions and Diversity of Friends with Benefits Relationships: A Two-Wave, Cross- Region, Study,” unpublished manuscript (under review).
   

3. Bisson and Levine, “Negotiating a Friends with Benefits Relationship.”
   

4. Ibid.
   

5. Ibid.
   

6. Ibid.
   

7. Leslie A. Baxter andWilliamW.Wilmot,“TabooTopics in Close Relationships,”
   

   Journal of Social and Personal Relationships
   2: 253–69.
   

8. Bisson and Levine, “Negotiating a Friends with Benefits Relationship.”
   

KELLI JEAN K. SMITH AND KEL LY MORRISON
1

CHAPTER 8

THE PHILOSOPHY OF FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

What College Students Think They Know