College Sex - Philosophy for Everyone: Philosophers With Benefits (19 page)

Participants’ responses about their same-sex friends’ reactions to being told about the friends with benefits relationship suggested that under- standing, encouragement, and approval from same-sex friends affected the outcome of the relationship. Participants were more likely to still be involved in a friends with benefits relationship if they perceived support from their same-sex friends and less likely to be involved in a friends with benefits relationship if they did not perceive support.

Not everyone thought it was a good idea to tell their same-sex friends about their friends with benefits relationships. Participants’ reasons for not telling their same-sex friends about the relationship fell into four dif- ferent categories, including justifications that it was not their business to know, or “relevance” (47 percent), the concern that that they would suf- fer “personal embarrassment” (13 percent), or “network disapproval” (7 percent), and simply for reasons of “secrecy” (20 percent).

Friends with Benefits Relationships: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Our college years are a time when we are likely to experience many cross- sex friendships. The information from our surveys indicated that friends with benefits relationships are one common approach to cross-sex friend- ships for college undergraduates, and one that is fraught with the dynamics, dilemmas, and emotions common to many romantic relationships. Broadly conceived, the experiences described by the par- ticipants in our study also suggest that college students may approach friends with benefits relationships pragmatically, thinking they know what to expect going into a friends with benefits relationship, only to discover that their knowledge base was flawed. Put differently, one doesn’t truly “know” what it’s like to be in a friends with benefits relationship, with all its consequences, until one experiences a friends with benefits relationship.

Over half of the participants reported experience with friends with benefits relationships, and furthermore, approximately half of those par- ticipants could report on more than one friends with benefits relation- ship. These findings are consistent with other research that has reported the prevalence of friends with benefits relationships on college campus- es.
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While the media and academic research may focus on the sexuality of these types of relationships, the responses from our participants indi- cated that relationship and emotional issues are just as relevant to these types of friendships.

Considering motivations for friends with benefits relationships first, we found that many participants were motivated to enter into their friends with benefits relationships because they specifically did not want romantic relationships, or for relationship avoidance. This finding is inconsistent with previous work on cross-sex friendships that suggested that the addition of sex to a friendship is a stepping stone to a romantic relationship.
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This finding also goes against conventional stereotypes that suggest that men are the “players” and women are seeking commitment. Many participants assumed that friends with benefits relationships are easier because they don’t require the maintenance work that committed relationships do. This finding may be a result of the age of our sample (i.e., college students). One female participant commented about want- ing to have fun but not having enough time to devote to another person. She also mentioned the desire to “get some action” but also wanted to

know who she was getting it from. These sentiments echo a pragmatic approach to relationships, time management, and sexuality.

Yet sex also was a popular motivation for friends with benefits relation- ships. As one female participant stated, “You get the buddy and the booty.” Another commented that sex was a necessary part of life and they and their friends with benefits partner agreed that it would be better to do this than to sleep around. Beyond paralleling the pragmatic approaches described above, these statements highlight an additional gender issue. Our sample was largely female, and many of them described sex as neces- sary but that they wanted it without a commitment. Indeed, over half of the women in this sample could report on one friends with benefits rela- tionship, and many could report on multiple relationships. This suggests that the idea that women associate sex with love may be outdated for contemporary college-aged women. Rather, it seems that some of the women in our sample took a functional, or pragmatic, approach to sex. Certainly, the idea that a friends with benefits relationship is justified because it actually can protect a woman’s reputation is a rather contem- porary and practical twist to sex and relationships. These sentiments also are consistent with what other authors describe as a “permissiveness- with-affection” attitude, or a more accepting attitude about sexuality out- side of marriage but within the confines of a committed relationship. In this case, the committed relationship would be the cross-sex friendship.

In terms of emotional motivations, we found that 17 percent of the responses of participants with friends with benefits relationship experi- ence indicated that these relationships were pursued because they were easier than romantic relationships, that is, they pursued them for rela- tionship simplicity. In particular, several of these accounts described how it was emotionally easier because they didn’t have to deal with jealousy, or they didn’t have to worry about cheating or getting caught cheating. In contrast to the emotional vacation seemingly afforded by friends with benefits relationships were the accounts that described pursuing these relationships in order to feel wanted or connected to someone else.Thus, some participants specifically approached these relationships so that an emotional connection could be experienced. These findings highlight a limitation of this study, which was that the current romantic dating status of the participants was neglected. This issue should be explored in future research because it has implications for the emotional needs of individu- als, as well as issues of fidelity.

The fact that a variety of motivations could be described regarding friends with benefits relationships is consistent with other researchers’

conceptualizations of different types or “flavors” of friends with bene- fits relationships.
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However, it also is possible that these differences in motivations (or flavors) are a product of the timing of the data collec- tion. Specifically, people may experience different aspects of a friends withbenefitsrelationshipoverthecourseoftimeduringtherelation- ship, especially if they are faced with issues they didn’t expect to occur (such as “catching feelings” for their partner, as one of our partici- pants stated.)

Regarding the perceived barriers to friends with benefits relationships, the data paralleled the motivation findings, with the top two most reported reasons for not having friends with benefits relationships being relational issues and emotional consequences. Despite the fact that many friends with benefits relationships begin in order to avoid relationship and commitment hassles, these same problems ultimately seem to emerge. Participants described the discomfort associated with getting too attached, feeling jealous, and the general awkwardness it brings to a friendship. Additionally, they described friendships being “destroyed,” “ruined,” or never being the same again.

Theoretically, our findings support and extend other researchers’ work that suggests that sexual activity can be perceived as an expectancy violation in cross-sex friendships.
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Our results suggest that the emotions aroused during the course of a friends with benefits relationship also may be perceived as a violation of expectations. In other words, while people entered friends with benefits relationships with the expectation that these relationships would be commitment-free and easier for them (compared to romantic relationships), many people who had experi- enced friends with benefits relationships reported falling in love with their friend, experiencing conflict due to the inequity of each other’s feelings, and a host of negative emotions. Thus, one direction for future research on friends with benefits relationships would be to examine over a period time the expectancy violations that occur when these relation- ships originally are established, along with those that occur during the course of the relationship.

The outcome of friends with benefits relationships can also be expect- ancy violations. Several of the participants in this study expressed the belief that friends with benefits relationships are enjoyable while they last, but are destined to fail because one person inevitably develops romantic feelings for the other. Other participants entered friends with benefits relationships believing that they could maintain the relationship successfully, particularly if they established rules that are meant to

minimize the risks associated with this type of relationship. The data suggest that the outcomes of friends with benefits relationships are not always negative. Many participants remained friends after the sexual aspect of the relationship ended. Some reported feeling closer to their partners and some friends with benefits relationships even transitioned into romantic relationships.There were, of course, less positive outcomes as well. One quarter of the participants reported that they were no longer friends with their partners, and several stated that their relationships were worse.These findings suggest that while participants may think that they know what to expect if they establish a friends with benefits relation- ship, the outcomes do not always match their expectations. Future research should include an investigation of the impact of these expect- ancy violations as well.

The vast majority of participants reported that they had told their same-sex friends about their friends with benefits relationship. Several participants stated that their friends approved of the relationship, and some shared their own experiences with friends with benefits relation- ships.This suggests that one’s social network may be a valuable source of information regarding what to expect and how to behave in this type of relationship. Friends who have experience with friends with benefits rela- tionships may provide support and advice that help maintain these rela- tionships. They can discuss the factors that made their relationships successful, as well as the factors that led to problems in the relationship. Friends who have gone through their own ups and downs in friends with benefits relationships may also be able to provide a sympathetic ear to a person who is having difficulties maintaining a friends with benefits rela- tionship and give advice for how to cope with the challenges of maintain- ing this type of relationship. Our data revealed that network approval was positively correlated with continued involvement in friends with benefits relationships, so another avenue for future research is to explore the type of communication that occurs within social networks regarding friends with benefits relationships and to determine what role that communica- tion has in the outcomes of these relationships. Including opposite-sex friends in the analysis of social networks may also reveal interesting infor- mation, as they can provide insight into the opposite sex’s perspective.

In conclusion, the goal of this research was to further our understanding of friends with benefits relationships by exploring personal accounts that described the motivations, barriers, and emotions associated with these relationships. The data revealed the presence of relational, emotional, and sexual motivations and barriers, as well as a broad array of emotional

responses, both positive and negative.The outcomes of these relationships also ranged from positive to negative.The support of their same-sex social network was associated with continued involvement in friends with bene- fits relationships. Friends with benefits relationships are a common dimen- sion of cross-sex friendships, and are perceived in very similar ways between women and men. In particular, some college students seem to take a practical approach to these relationships, with their accounts indi- cating that this, indeed, is one of the things that friends are for.

NOTES

1. This essay is based, in part, on an article published in the
   Western Journal of Communication
   , 69 (January 2005).
   

2. A portion of the information summarized comes from the following two papers: Kelli Jean K. Asada, Mikayla Hughes, and Kelly Morrison, “Motivations and Barriers to Friends with Benefits Relationships,” paper pre- sented at the annual meeting of the International Communication Association, San Diego (May 2003); and Mikayla Hughes, Kelly Morrison, and Kelli Jean
   

   K. Asada, “What’s Love Got To Do With It? Exploring the Maintenance Rules, Love Attitudes, and Network Support on Friends with Benefits Relationships,”
   Western Journal of Communication
   69 (2005): 49–66.
   

3. For example, see Melissa A. Bisson and Timothy R. Levine, “Negotiating a Friends with Benefits Relationship,”
   Archives of Sexual Behavior
   38 (2009): 66–73.
   

4. See Sandra J. Messman, Daniel J. Canary, and Kimberly S. Hause, “Motives to Remain Platonic, Equity, and the Use of Maintenance Strategies in Opposite- Sex Friendships,”
   Journal of Social and Personal Relationships
   17 (2000): 67–94.
   

5. See Jen Williams, Christina Shaw, Paul A. Mongeau, Kendra Knight, and Artemio Ramirez, “Peaches ‘n’ Cream to Rocky Road: Five Flavors of Friends with Benefits Relationships,” paper presented at the annual meeting of the National Communication Association, Chicago (November 2007).
   

6. See Walid A. Afifi and Sandra L. Faulkner, “On Being Just Friends: The Frequency and Impact of Sexual Activity in Cross-Sex Friendships,”
   Journal of Social and Personal Relationships
   17 (2000): 205–22.
   

PA RT III

JUNIOR YEAR

Ethics of College Sex

ANDREW KANIA

CHAPTER 9

A HORNY DILEMMA

Sex and Friendship between Students and Professors Pat and Sam

Few people would think it odd if they saw Pat, a philosophy professor at a small liberal arts college, having lunch in the dining hall with Sam, an under- graduate student in one of Pat’s classes. Many might pause for thought, however, if they saw Pat and Sam having dinner at a fancy restaurant down- town. And if they found out the next day that the couple had gone back to Pat’s place and made love

all night long, most would be scandalized.To be told that it was not a one night stand, that Pat and Sam were in a long-term relationship, would do little to allay most people’s concern. What is it, though, that people find scandalous about sexual relationships between professors and their stu- dents? Are these reasons good reasons, or merely prudish prejudice?

In this essay, I will argue that in confronting these issues we are faced with a dilemma. If we want to condemn sexual relationships between professors and students we must also condemn friendships between them. On the other hand, if we want to allow such friendships, we must condone (some) professor-student sexual relationships. I have two main reasons for this conclusion.The first reason is that the differences between close friendships and sexual relationships are more subtle than most peo- ple think – there is no clear boundary between the two. The second reason is that anything that would concern us about the latter should

concern us about the former. I will argue, further, that though there may be reasons to avoid such relationships, there is nothing about the stu- dent-professor relationship in particular that should lead us to condemn all such relationships.

I should note that my interest here is primarily in the ethics of such relationships, in whether there is anything morally wrong about them. I will not discuss at all whether it is prudent to engage in such a relation- ship for the student or professor, and I touch only briefly at the end on the implications of the moral question for institutional policies.

Who Are We Talking About?

I will be talking only about relationships between undergraduate stu- dents and the faculty who teach them. I suspect that most people who find intimate student-professor relationships problematic find these ones most problematic, for reasons I will return to near the end of this essay. But it may well be that most of the reasons people give against such rela- tionships have even more force in the graduate school setting, given the greater influence professors have over their graduate students’ futures.

Unlike many people who have considered this topic, however, I will not restrict myself to relationships between male professors and female students. In her essay on this topic, Deirdre Golash notes that she adheres

throughout to the male professor-female student example, not merely for simplicity but also because, as a result of social attitudes too well known to require recital, this is by far the most common occasion for a sexual offer. My observations would, I think, apply to other gender combinations, at least insofar as the same imbalance of power obtains.
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I do not adhere to this paradigm because I do not think that Golash’s reasons support it. First, she explicitly mentions “sexual offers” here, but she discusses many other situations throughout her piece, such as friend- ships and loving sexual relationships, and it is not so obvious that all of these are most common between a male professor and female student. I am particularly interested here in comparing friendships and sexual relationships, so it is unnecessarily restrictive to consider only relation- ships between male professors and female students.

Second, though it may be true that most intimate student-professor relationships are between female students and male professors, this might be for reasons other than those “too well known to require recital.” For example, as a result of a pervasively sexist history, most college professors are men. Thus, there may be more male-professor–female-student rela- tionships even if female professors are
more
likely than male professors to enter into relationships with their students. To discuss exclusively male- professor–female-student relationships for this reason is like exclusively using the masculine pronoun to refer to doctors, since most doctors are in fact male. This may reinforce sexism more than anything else.

Things That Are Just Plain Wrong

Some sexual relationships between students and professors are just plain wrong. A few examples will help illustrate what it is to consider the moral- ity of student-professor relationships per se.
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If Pat and Sam enter into a consensual sexual relationship, but one of them thereby cheats on a spouse, the spouse has been betrayed. This betrayal, though, is no better or worse than that of any extramarital affair. If Pat sexually assaults Sam, Pat is to be condemned, just as any sexual assailant is to be condemned. A professor may be open to greater censure than another sexual assailant if he or she uses his or her position of authority over a student to coerce the student’s compliance, though the issues here are difficult since any assault implies coercion. But it is not obvious that the
academic
relationship between assailant and victim

makes the assault worse than it would otherwise be.

Another kind of case that has been discussed by some philosophers is the “blatant sexual offer,” that is, a professor suggesting sex to a student outside the context of even a friendship.
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In such a case the power a professor has over a student will usually transform the “offer” into a case of coercion, but, again, the wrongness of the act does not depend on the fact that we’re con- sidering a student and professor, as opposed to an employer and employee, or any other two people on different sides of a power imbalance.

What I am considering here, then, is not cases like these, where the morality of the act would be unchanged whether or not the people involved were a student and professor. Rather, I am asking whether there is anything morally questionable about relationships between a professor and a student precisely because they are a professor and student.

A more specifically academic kind of case is what was called, when I was a student, “A’s for lays” – the exchange of grades for sex. This is a case that relies on the people involved being a professor and student. Even if you have no moral objection to prostitution, you should condemn such arrangements, for grades are not like money or goods. They func- tion as an objective measure of a student’s academic abilities. To an extent, then, to offer grades for sex (or vice versa) is similar to selling an honor, such as an Academy Award. But given the role grades play in contemporary society, namely, significantly influencing people’s early careers, such arrangements are even worse, since they constitute a seri- ous injustice to other students.