Color of Love (40 page)

On the Friday afternoon that Jason left New York, it rained. A sticky, humid rain that made the city air smelly and thick and gave him an overall feeling of ill humor. He didn’t want to make this trip. He wasn’t ready for it because it had to do with much more than just the sale of a house. It had to do with finally ending a relationship that had produced one child, and a lot of acrimonious feelings. It had to do with repair and forgiveness and letting go. And, Jason hoped, it would finally give him the go-ahead signal for what he knew he wanted to do with the rest of his life.

The rain had stopped by the time he reached Kutztown. By five in the afternoon he was driving through the center of Pine Grove. It was small and charming and slow. It seemed a very different world here than New York, or even Harrisburg, where he and Lisa had both been raised. Jason felt a stranger in such a place. From the local pharmacy he called Lisa to let her know he’d arrived and to give the name of his hotel.

“You don’t have to stay at a hotel,” Lisa said expansively. “You can stay in the extra room. I don’t mind.”

Jason didn’t particularly like that idea either, but it had nothing to do with not wanting to be around Lisa. He hesitated for so long that she made an impatient gesture.

“Look, it really doesn’t matter to me, but you’re going to have to come out tomorrow anyway. The appraiser from the bank is due, as well as a P.E.”

“I don’t want to get in the way, make you uncomfortable.”

Lisa’s laugh was amused. “David has a healthy ego, but he knows why you’re here.”

“I’m not concerned with David’s ego. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

Jason hung up but didn’t let go of the receiver. What was it Leah had said to him this morning? If he got homesick he could always call her to hear a friendly voice. He wanted to. But Jason decided against it. It was early yet. He decided to save Leah’s offer, because before the weekend was over he probably was going to need it.

The modest cape was on an acre of land and set back from the road. Over the years Lisa had added gardening to her repertoire of domestic skills, and the property was beautifully landscaped. Jason pulled into the narrow driveway behind Lisa’s car, although there was another parked along the side of the road out front. As he turned off the engine, he was stunned to see the log swing still attached to a lower branch of an old maple tree. He had put it up himself for Michael twelve years ago.

Jason sat staring at it until he heard the kitchen door open and Lisa step out under the entrance light. He turned his head at the sound, but couldn’t make out her features. The light over the door shone brightly on her blond hair.

“Jason? Why are you just sitting there?”

He decided it was best not to try to answer. He stepped out of the car and got his nylon duffel from the backseat. He walked through the door behind Lisa, feeling very displaced and alien. He wished the weekend was already over. Lisa continued through the kitchen into the sitting room. The house was certainly bigger than his apartment, but to Jason it felt tiny and confined. He’d not spent time here for more than a dozen occasions in about as many years.

A man stood up from the sofa as he entered behind Lisa. She immediately crossed the room and stood next to him.

Jason watched the pairing with amused sarcasm and knew that Lisa had arranged this on purpose. The other man wore aviator-type glasses, was slightly shorter than Jason and thin in an intellectual way.

“I’m David Flanders,” he introduced himself.

Jason dropped his duffel and extended his hand. David’s grip was firm and forthright, and Jason noticed how Lisa gazed up at him with loving attention.

“Nice to meet you,” Jason responded politely.

“David is a pediatrician,” Lisa volunteered proudly.

“And Lisa tells me you’re a—a—”

“Cop,” Jason said smoothly. He glanced sharply at his ex-wife. “Someone has to be.”

“Nine-millimeter?” David asked, pointing at the gun belt Jason still had strapped on.

“Right.”

“Jason, I’ve left something for you to eat. You can take the room in the back.” Lisa retrieved her purse from the coffee table. “David and I had plans for the evening.”

“I guess I won’t have to worry about Lisa’s safety with you around, right?” David joked.

“’Night, Jason,” Lisa said, heading for the front door before Jason could respond for himself.

He remained standing in the center of the room, listening to the sounds of the car disappear down the road. He slowly took off the gun belt, picked up his bag, and headed for the guest room. He walked straight past Michael’s room, where the door was closed. On the outside hanging from the doorknob was a sign that read, “Don’t come in unless you’re carrying a payoff.”

The guest room was stuffy and hot. Jason immediately opened all the windows to admit the cool night air and gentle breeze. He wandered silently around the house, again avoiding Michael’s room but turning on the light to glance into Lisa’s. He stood at the door and looked over the frilly orderliness, the rose and pink and lace of the curtains and comforter. There were framed photos of Michael and David on her bureau. Jason turned out the light and walked into the kitchen. He was tired and not particularly hungry.

He wasn’t surprised that Lisa had no beer and apparently had not thought to get him any. Jason settled for a can of diet soda and went to stand outside the front door to smoke and listen to the peaceful night. He had no feelings one way or the other about Lisa marrying again. She was finally getting the kind of man she thought deserved her. Jason had no doubt that she and David would be happy together.

Jason finished the soda and two cigarettes, waiting until the stars were like specks of white paint against the black ceiling of the sky. Then he wearily made his way to the now cooled back room, where he stripped and lay naked on the bed, wide awake and staring at the walls.

After a while he heard the car return, and a giggly and gently amorous good night followed in the sitting room. The car finally left and Lisa could be heard entering her room and closing the door. It was a very long time before Jason could fall to sleep. He lay for a while, considering that after this weekend he might never see Lisa again. It didn’t bother him. He only knew that the sooner their business was settled, the quicker he could get back home to Leah.

“That’s a lot of money,” Jason said.

“I thought you’d be surprised,” Lisa said with a satisfied smile. “Of course, you could just buy me out and keep the house.”

Jason shook his head. “It’s too small.”

“What difference does that matter? You’re not married. You don’t have kids.”

Jason let the remark go and had the satisfaction of watching Lisa blush. He turned to the lawyer. “Where do you want me to sign?”

“That’s it? Don’t you want to read that, or do you have any questions?”

“No,” Jason said succinctly. He took the papers and, without looking them over, signed them. “I don’t think Lisa is out to cheat me.”

“Well, the house turned out to be a very smart investment. It appreciated almost a hundred and fifty percent.”

Jason’s smile was wry. He wondered if Lisa had learned that from David.

“What are you going to do with your money?” she asked as they left the lawyer’s more than an hour later.

Jason walked her to her car. “I might buy some land and build my own house. I always wanted to do that.”

Lisa shook her head. “Still daydreaming. It’s too bad you don’t have anyone to share the dreams with, Jason. You’re not getting any younger, you know.”

Jason watched her get settled in her seat and put on the safety belt. He stood back with his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. His smile was patient. “I never said there was no one to share my dreams with.”

She shrugged, uninterested. “I’m meeting David for lunch. But we need to make some decisions about Michael’s things,” she said tightly.

“I know. I’ll be back around five. I have something else to take care of first.”

Lisa nodded and reversed out of her parking space.

Jason got back into his own car and found his way back to the road leading to the edge of the county. His hands were getting sweaty and his heart was starting to beat too fast. But Jason forced himself to keep driving, through a wrought iron entrance and along a path bordered by well-cared-for lawns. Up a hill and around a curving corner until he reached the assigned area of his son’s grave. He got out of the car and approached the marker slowly, easily spotting the small gray stone that protruded from the ground. Impatiens had been neatly planted all around it. Jason stood for a long time staring at the spot unable to imagine his son dead and gone forever underneath. He fought against it, but finally gave it up, and let grief have its way. He rubbed briefly at his eyes, as his heart bled and poured out part of his soul.

Jason slowly opened the door, and the heat and musk assailed them both. Lisa coughed. Jason paid no attention to the stale air. His vision was filling with the room and things that had belonged to Michael. The bed was still unmade from that morning. That alone was nearly his undoing again. He turned to Lisa.

“Look, maybe you want me to go through everything first—”

Already she was shaking her head. “I don’t want to look through anything. I—I couldn’t bear it.” She started to cry.

“What do you want to do with everything?”

“Give it away. I don’t care where. I only want Michael’s baby things, the silver set your mother gave him. And the photos.”

Jason steered her out of the room. “You go get some boxes.”

Lisa agreed and went off sniffling to do as she was told. And then Jason simply plowed in, because it wasn’t going to get done otherwise, and the longer it took the more painful it would be. All the books went into a box marked for the local library. All the clothes into another marked for the shelter in town. It was well after nine when they finished and stacked all the boxes in the garage. Lisa was going to have someone pick them up on Monday morning.

She made a light dinner for the two of them, and she and Jason talked about Michael and their lives and what had gone wrong.

Jason shook his head. “I don’t think anything went wrong. It was only meant to be for as long as it lasted. Now you’ll go on with David, and I’ll go on with my life.”

“Alone?” Lisa asked, curious.

Jason smiled. “No, not alone, hopefully.”

“I hope she’s good for you, Jason. I hope she’s what you need.”

“She is,” Jason said confidently, not unaware of the irony that his ex-wife was wishing him luck with a lover who was black, although she obviously didn’t know that. But it had been his tolerance and her lack of it that had contributed to their breakup so many years before.

Jason helped her clean up, and it was also ironic that as they were about to go their separate ways forever, they were their most cooperative and understanding.

Lisa was on the phone with David when Jason left the guest room with his bag and several other items under his arm. Lisa glanced at him in surprise and covered the mouthpiece. “Where are you going?”

“I thought I’d get on the road back to New York.”

“But it’s after ten o’clock at night. Can’t you leave in the morning?”

“No. I’m ready to go home,” Jason said. “Good luck to you and David.”

Lisa watched him with bewilderment and finally acceptance. She smiled sadly at him. “Good-bye, Jason. I hope you find some happiness.”

He nodded briefly. “I will.”

J
ASON GOT HOME AT
about three in the morning, and he was exhausted. He was glad that he’d made the decision to drive back. He was glad, to be in his own space, back in the insanity of New York, which made him feel alive. Back to Leah, who made him feel like a whole man.

Jason dropped the duffel just inside the door. He would deal with that later. But he took the time to carefully place Michael’s well-used hockey stick and his helmet, along with several favorite children’s books, on a wall unit. Other than photographs and his memories, this was all that Jason had left of his son. He’d have to deal with that later, too.

Having the few things in the car with him on the drive back had evoked more memories that had kept Jason company and, mercifully, entertained. For rather than being reminded of the loss of his son, Jason relived all the wonderful triumphant and funny moments when Michael’s very existence had made Jason feel he’d accomplished at least one worthwhile thing in his life.

But for the first time that Jason could recall, as glad as he was to get back to his apartment, the quiet and stillness made him feel overwhelmingly lonely. His self-imposed isolation was no longer a protective measure which he deliberately perpetuated so that he could stay focused on his job. Now it just seemed pointless. Joe had Nora and often said he thanked God for her, Lisa now had David … he had Leah. Just the thought was enough to energize him for several moments of instant euphoria, until it quickly burned itself out in the more powerful stimulus of being bone weary and emotionally drained. He wanted to call Leah so badly. To let her know he was back. He picked up the phone, stared at it, put it down. It was the middle of the night. He could wait a few more hours.

Jason lay down on his bed. He thought of having one more cigarette, maybe even making a small drink. But he never made a decision because he fell to sleep fully clothed.

When Jason heard the lock turn on his apartment door, it startled him out of sleep. For a moment, he didn’t know where he was as he also tried to remember where he’d put his gun, if this was an intruder. But the fog cleared quickly from his brain, and he rolled over as Leah stepped quietly into the room. He forced his eyes open and saw her silently regarding him with a beautiful smile on her face.

He’d never been so glad to see anyone in his life.

Leah put down her purse and keys. She kicked off her summer pumps and approached the bed. Already Jason was struggling up when she suddenly climbed onto the bed, straddling his waist and thighs to sit on his lap. He put his arms around her back and she looped her arms around his neck.