Commitments (29 page)

'them back up the narrow line of soft, dark hair that bisected his front. Where the line flared, her fingers followed until each palm covered a small, hard nipple, Then Sabrina was the one to be distracted, because the slightest pressure of Derek's hands had arched her toward him and his mouth was opening over her breast. The barrier of her shirt enhanced the feeling as his tongue dabbed her nipple to hardness. Propping her forearms on his shoulders, she closed her eyes in pleasure. He continued for several minutes. But when both 293 nipples were taut and her breath was coming less steadily, he set her back and said hoarsely, ''s ready.' It took her a minute of lingering delight to realize what he was saying. She opened her eyes to send him a look of pleading, which he answered with a gentle kiss. To make up for what he'd done, he helped her undress. Moments later, she was settled in the crook of his shoulder in the warm, swirling water. She gave a soft sigh of Page 106

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

contentment, but other than that neither of lem. spoke. They simply surrendered to the warmth d let the water massage their entwined limbs.

"Sabrina?'Derek asked after a while. '?' ''s Nicky?' At first she didn't respond. Then, with a sad sigh this time, she gave a one-shouldered shrug. ' change?' She shook her head. ''t want to talk about it?' ' now. It hurts. I don't want to hurt right now."

"You made the right decision.' ' it hurts anyway.' He drew her in a little closer, offering whatever silent comfort he could. Several minutes later, he said, ' think you've done a great job with this place.' She twitched her nose against his chest. ''re just saying that to make me feel better.' ' I do that? I ' don't know. Would you?' '. I really like it.', '?' she asked cautiously. '-huh.1

And he meant it. The inside of the farmhouse was simply done, clean with newly stuccoed 294 and polished wood floors, warm with area rugs '

native artwork. I don't have much furniture.' You hav what you need sofa and chairs in the living roorn, bed in the bedroom, a few dressers and desks.' He paused, then tried to sound casual when he said, ' a completed guest room. Why is the guest room the most finished in the house?' She heard something behind his. attempt at casualness that made her bit back a smile. ' you worried?' He considered denying it, but only for an instant. '/ he said gruffly. ' haven't waited all this time for you, only to sleep in a guest bedroom.' She cupped the water and sent it rippling higher on his chest. ' to worry. It's for my guests.' ''t I a guest?' '.' ' am I? Her smile was soft, shy, innocent. ' one. Lover.' He liked her answer as much as he liked her softness, her shyness, her innocence. Sliding an arm beneath her knees, he shifted her until she lay across his lap. With his upper arm bracing her head, he kissed her, then asked, ' why is the guest room all done up?' ' my brother has taken to visiting.' ' come?"

"Beats me/ she said. ''s like he's looking for family after all these years.' . ' he has your parents. He lives a lot closer to them than to you.' ''s not the same. There's something here. I'm not sure I can explain, but he likes this place. He doesn't do a lot, just kind of sits and thinks and asks me 295 questions about what I was thinking and feeling when we were growing up.' ' do you tell him?' ' I was wishing our family was like other families. That I wanted everyone to be attentive and warm and close.' ' still want that.' She hesitated for an instant before acknowledging it with a nod. ' you tell him thatv , have., Vhat does he say? ' I'm no different from him, or my mother or my father. But they're so lonely, Derek. Each one in his way., '

are you/ Derek said very softly. She held his gaze for a minute, then closed her eyes and turned into his body. She didn't feel lonely. When Derek was with her she felt that she could dream again. She knew that it was an illusion, that he had designs on his life and that some of them frightened her, but she felt she'd earned an illusion or two. ' love you/ he whispered. ' want that/ she whispered back. Tipping her chin up, he kissed her in a way that left little doubt as to his sincerity, and by the time he was done, his hands were on her body, working with the gentle pulse of the water to give her pleasure. But the pleasure wasn't only hers. It was Derek's too. The way she sighed when he caressed her breasts, the tiny moan she let out when he traced the outline of her bottom, the small feline sounds she made when he found the special heat between her legs - all heightened his own arousal to such an extent that while she was still 296 throbbing in climax he lifted her over him and arched deeply into his own release. Some time later, when their bodies had calmed, they Climbed from the tub, wrapped themselves in large terry bath sheets and stumbled to Sabrina's bed, where they shed the towels, climbed under the covers and fell asleep in each other's arms. By the time they awoke, it was dark and too late to go to the market. Not that either of them was sorry. They didn't feel like getting dressed, and it turned out that Sabrina had food in the house after all. That is awful/ she decided as she opened an envelope of Page 107

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

dried soup. Derek had already put the prescribed amounts of milk and water in a pan. ' so awful/ he argued, taking the envelope from her and adding its contents to the liquids. ' like cream of broccoli soup. And besides, if you bought it, you must have been planning on eating it yourself, so why is it so terrible if I have some?' ' you deserve better. And because I, should have been prepared.' He set the pan on the stove, lit the gas under it, then turned and took her by theshoulders.

"If anyone's at fault here, it's me. I didn't say when I was coming. I didn't say if I was coming, so there was no reason for you to stock up."

"It occurred to me to buy food, it really did. But first the kitchen wasn't ready, and then I was afraid.' '?, ' if I gave a party and no one carne.' He rotated his thumbs. Not even the thick terry of her robe could hide the delicacy of her bones. That delicacy was only part of what inspired his gentleness, 297 when he asked, Is that why you don't have a room set up for-Nicky? I She swallowed hard, but she didn't avoid his eyes. '. I wanted you to come, so I was superstitious about making preparations. With Nicky, it's different. I'm not sure I want She couldn't finish. The thought was so cruel. But Derek saw it differently. ''re not sure you want all that work again. It's understandable, Sabrina. Nothing to be ashamed of.' Tut he's my son. I love him. There are times when I'm torn to bits, when the anguish of not having him is as bad as the anguish of having him. I thought about decorating a room for him. I even pictured how I'd do it. Then I thought about seeing that room day in, day out, and I didn't think I could take it. I try - I She swallowed again, and her eyes were growing moist. '

try not to think about Nicky too much. When I do, I go nowhere. I have to move on in ni@y life.' Derek took her under his arm and held her close while he stirred the soup. ' you want to have another child?,

"I couldn't.' '?' '. I couldn't go through another pregnancy knowing what happened.' He hesitated for just a minute before saying, ' didn't use anything, Sabrina.' ''s okay. I have an IUD.' He gave the soup another stir, then another. Then he said, ' you were to have a second child, it could be totally different.' ' it could be the same.' ' the doctors say that?' When she didn't answer, 298 prodded.

"Did they give you odds against it happening again?' '.' ' are they? ' slim/ she said in a small voice, then rushed on, ' that's irrelevant. Even if the odds were a million to one, I couldn't risk it." Derek felt saddened. Not only did he believe that Sabrina was made to be a mother, but he had images from time to time of her mothering a child of his. They were fleeting images. He hadn't given much thought In the past to having children, and his future was too murky for him to dwell on it now. But those fleeting images brought him a strange, unexpected sense of peace. Riding on the tails of that peace, he gave the soup a last stir, gave her shoulders a squeeze and turned toward the refrigerator. The master suite was on the ground floor at the back of the house. It actually consisted of three smaller rooms that had been added on after the original farmhouse had been built, but Sabrina had had the walls broken down and the cathedral ceiling exposed. The room looked out over the woods and-was Iii by two large skylights through which, on a clear night, moonlight poured. Moonlight was pouring in this night, but that wasn't what kept Sabrina and Derek awake. It was each other and the fact that they were together. The slightest movement of one caused the other to stir. There was surprise, occasional alarm then reassurance. A kiss led to A touch, which led to a caress, which often led to something far hotter. Then again, there were times when they simply lay in each other's arms and talked. ' you enjoy living 299 up here?' he asked in a tone compatible with the quiet of the night.

"Uh-huh. I try to get back to New York once a month, but I feel better here.' ' in what way?' Tess'pressured. New York is such'a doing Page 108

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

city. When I'm there, I feel inadequate.' ''s bullshit, y'know. You have no reason to feel inadequate.' ' I do. I'm leading an unproductive life.' ' wouldn't call what you've spent the last two months doing to this farmhouse unproductive.' ' know what I mean. And anyway, life is calmer here than in New York. I like it this way.' '

don't mind the isolation?' ' don't feel isolated. At least, no more so than I did in New York. I keep in touch with a few friends by phone, and Maura pops in sometimes.' He took a playful bite of her chin. '

guest for the guest room?' '. She wants me to write your story. I keep telling her that I'm working on you, but I don't think I'm doing a very good job of that, either.' She took a quick breath. ', why do you want, to know about Lloyd Ballantine?' '/he whispered against her earlobe. ' now.' ' when?' '.' The next morning - late, late morning - Derek opened up a bit. ' always wanted to be able to do this. When I was a kid, breakfast in bed seemed the ultimate luxury.'. Tucking the sheet across her breasts, Sabrina reached for a cracker.

"I'll bet you dreamed of something better than Saltines and jam.' 300

"Hey, we have a cheese omelet here.' '. One egg and two slices of cheese, and most of that is stuck to the plate.' ' this is a luxury. Where I came from, you didn't nsk getting crumbs on the sheets. Crumbs brought ants, so my mom said, and since we already had plenty of cockroaches - ' ' had cockroaches on Fifth Avenue/ Sabrina said as she handed him a cracker neatly spread with jam. ' did you have them?"

"Not on Fifth Avenue, not even in New York.' He downed the cracker in a single bite. ' lived in a little town about forty minutes out of Philadelphia. I can't say,'we lived on the wrong side of the tracks, because there weren't any tracks. The whole town was pretty depressed. We had a tiny little two-bedroom place that wasn't worth the money it would have taken to make it livable, but it was the nicest house in the neighborhood. My mother did what she could, but my father usually bet away what money he earned before he got home.' Tviat did he do for a living?' Leaning against the bed's brass headboard with the sheet draped loosely over his 4ips, Derek had a sudden panicky urge to change the subject. Getting into his father's job was getting into the really dirty stuff, and he didn't want to do that. He felt at home in Sabrina's farmhouse. He felt at home with Sabrina. She made him feel that he was worthy of what she offered. But he owed her the truth. ' father was the brains behind one of the biggest loan sharks in Phillie. He set up deals, saw them enforced. He would have been a wealthy man, himself, if he hadn't had a compulsion to gamble.' He frowned at the folds of the sheet. ' mother suffered. She was 301 a principled woman to the point of being obsessed, while my father was loose as a goose and twice as dirty. God only knows what they saw in each other.' ' attract?"

"The thing was, they didn't attract.' ' must have at some point. They made you.' He snorted. ''ve often wondered if it was rape. The only sounds I heard coming from my parents' room at night were unpleasant ones. They argued a lot.' ' he beat her?' '. I'm not sure he could have. She was nearly as tall as he was, and she was physically strong. I know/ he said in such a way that Sabrina understood that he'd felt the brunt of his mother's physical strength more than once. ' my father wasn't like that, anyway. He wasn't one to get his hands dirty. When it came to delivering messages that loan payments weren't being made on time, he had other people do the ugly stuff. I

"Then why - ' closed her mouth on the question, but Derek could easily follow the direction of her thoughts. ' was he killed? He was killed because he got too smart for his britches. Or maybe too greedy. Or too desperate. He'd done time for being an accessory to murder. He Page 109

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

was feeling pretty low, and he didn't like that. He decided his life would be improved if he took a bigger cut in the loan payments, and he thought he could do it without his boss knowing.' He paused, and when he spoke again, his voice was strained. ' Padilla used to run the money with him. He was a punk kid, a bodyguard. At some point he figured that he stood to gain more by snitching on my dad than by sticking by him, and he was probably right. Money is 302 power, and my dad couldn't hold money any longer than it took to reach the nearest racetrack.' ' why did they have to kill him?' ' set an example.' ' old were you?" Tifteen.' ' you know all this then?' 10h, yeah. in a neighborhood like ours, you didn't miss much, and what you missed, someone else made sure to fill you in on.' His eyes reflected that remem-bered pain. '

was no model child. People took pleasure in telling me why.' '?" 11kifinm ? ' think about Joey Padilla a lot, don't you?' Derek scuffed up a bunch of wet leaves. He and Sabrina were walking through the afternoon woods. Tall evergreens sheltered them from the fine rain that fell. '. I think about him., ' much older than you was he?"

"About eight years.' ' he have a family?' ' told me he had a wife afid two kids. ' he have a job?' ', he was a mechanic. Unofficially, he was moving drugs. And he drank a lot.' Vhat was he doing in the parking lot that night? Why was he the one to call you? Was it an honest coincidence?' Derek nudged her hips with, his own, an easy thing to do since they were sharing a poncho. ''re full of questions.' ' before, at Parkersville, you were going to tell 303