Complete Poems and Plays (12 page)

What about that poker game in Bordeaux?

Yes Miss Dorrance you get Sam

To tell about that poker game in Bordeaux.

DUSTY
:
Do you know London well, Mr. Krumpacker?

KLIPSTEIN
:
No we never been here before

KRUMPACKER
:
We hit this town last night for the first time

KLIPSTEIN
:
And I certainly hope it won’t be the last time.

DORIS
:
You like London, Mr. Klipstein?

KRUMPACKER
:
Do we like London? do we like London!

Do we like London!! Eh what Klip?

KLIPSTEIN
:
Say, Miss — er — uh — London’s swell.

We like London fine.

KRUMPACKER
:
                      Perfectly slick.

DUSTY
:
Why don’t you come and live here then?

KLIPSTEIN
:
Well, no, Miss — er — you haven’t quite got it

(I’m afraid I didn’t quite catch your name —

But I’m very pleased to meet you all the same) —

London’s a little too gay for us

Yes I’ll say a little too gay.

KRUMPACKER
:
Yes London’s a little too gay for us

Don’t think I mean anything
coarse
—

But I’m afraid we couldn’t stand the pace.

What about it Klip?

KLIPSTEIN
:
                            You said it, Krum.

London’s a slick place, London’s a swell place,

London’s a fine place to come on a visit —

KRUMPACKER
:
Specially when you got a real live Britisher

A guy like Sam to show you around.

Sam of course is at
home
in London,

And he’s promised to show us around.

     
SWEENEY.
WAUCHOPE.
HORSFALL. KLIPSTEIN.

KRUMPACKER. SWARTS.
SNOW. DORIS.
DUSTY.

SWEENEY
:
                             I’ll carry you off

To a cannibal isle.

DORIS
:
You’ll be the cannibal!

SWEENEY
:
You’ll be the missionary!

You’ll be my little seven stone missionary!

I’ll gobble you up. I’ll be the cannibal.

DORIS
:
You’ll carry me off? To a cannibal isle?

SWEENEY
:
I’ll be the cannibal.

DORIS
:
                                    I’ll be the missionary.

I’ll convert you!

SWEENEY
:
                              I’ll convert
you
!

Into a stew.

A nice little, white little, missionary stew.

DORIS
:
You wouldn’t eat me!

SWEENEY
:
                              Yes I’d eat you!

In a nice little, white little, soft little, tender little,

Juicy little, right little, missionary stew.

You see this egg

You see this egg

Well that’s life on a crocodile isle.

There’s no telephones

There’s no gramophones

There’s no motor cars

No two-seaters, no six-seaters,

No Citroën, no Rolls-Royce.

Nothing to eat but the fruit as it grows.

Nothing to see but the palmtrees one way

And the sea the other way,

Nothing to hear but the sound of the surf.

Nothing at all but three things

DORIS
:
                                    What things?

S
WEENEY
:
Birth, and copulation and death.

That’s all, that’s all, that’s all, that’s all,

Birth, and copulation, and death.

DORIS
:
I’d be bored.

SWEENEY
:
                              You’d be bored.

Birth, and copulation, and death.

DORIS
:
I’d be bored.

SWEENEY
:
                              You’d be bored.

Birth, and copulation, and death.

That’s all the facts when you come to brass tacks:

Birth, and copulation, and death.

I’ve been born, and once is enough.

You don’t remember, but I remember,

Once is enough.

DORIS
:
I don’t like eggs; I never liked eggs;

And I don’t like life on your crocodile isle. 

DORIS
:
That’s not life, that’s no life

Why I’d just as soon be dead.

SWEENEY
:
That’s what life is. Just is

DORIS
:
                                    What is?

What’s that life is?

S
WEENEY
:
                                Life is death.

I knew a man once did a girl in —

DORIS
:
Oh Mr. Sweeney, please don’t talk,

I cut the cards before you came

And I drew the coffin

SWARTS
:
                               
You
drew the coffin?

DORIS
:
I drew the COFFIN very last card.

I don’t care for such conversation

A woman runs a terrible risk.

SNOW
:
Let Mr. Sweeney continue his story.

I assure you, Sir, we are very interested.

SWEENEY
:
I knew a man once did a girl in.

Any man might do a girl in

Any man has to, needs to, wants to

Once in a lifetime, do a girl in

Well he kept her there in a bath

With a gallon of lysol in a bath

SWARTS
:
These fellows always get pinched in the end.

SNOW
:
Excuse me, they don’t all get pinched in the end.

What about them bones on Epsom Heath?

I seen that in the papers

You seen it in the papers

They
don’t
all get pinched in the end.

DORIS
:
A woman runs a terrible risk.

SNOW
:
Let Mr. Sweeney continue his story.

SWEENEY
:
This one didn’t get pinched in the end

But that’s another story too.

This went on for a couple of months

Nobody came

And nobody went

But he took in the milk and he paid the rent.

SWARTS
:
What did he do?

All that time, what did he do?

SWEENEY
:
What did he do! what did he do?

That don’t apply.

Talk to live men about what they do.

He used to come and see me sometimes

I’d give him a drink and cheer him up.

DORIS
:
Cheer him up?

DUSTY
:
                                    Cheer him up?

S
WEENEY
:
Well here again that don’t apply

But I’ve gotta use words when I talk to you.

But here’s what I was going to say.

He didn’t know if he was alive

and the girl was dead

He didn’t know if the girl was alive

and he was dead

He didn’t know if they were both alive

or both were dead

If he was alive then the milkman wasn’t

and the rent-collector wasn’t

And if they were alive then he was dead.

There wasn’t any joint

There wasn’t any joint

For when you’re alone

When you’re alone like he was alone

You’re either or neither

I tell you again it don’t apply

Death or life or life or death

Death is life and life is death

I gotta use words when I talk to you

But if you understand or if you don’t

That’s nothing to me and nothing to you

We all gotta do what we gotta do

We’re gona sit here and drink this booze

We’re gona sit here and have a tune

We’re gona stay and we’re gona go

And somebody’s gotta pay the rent

DORIS
:
                                    I know who

SWEENEY
:
But that’s nothing to me and nothing to you.