Confessions of a Backup Dancer (20 page)

“HOW could you let this happen?” she screamed. “I trusted you with her last night. it was my understanding that you would not leave her side. you knew it was the night before the biggest show of the tour, the biggest show of darcy's life, yet you managed to get my daughter drunk in a bar? in front of industry people? what are you thinking?”

I thought about fighting back, defending myself. I thought about asking her what she was doing in that back banquette while her own daughter was abusing alcohol and inviting photographs of her panties, but I knew that would go nowhere. I just said, “I'm sorry.”

she barked at me. “SORRY doesn't really cut it right now does it? Just be glad it was a blind item with no names. Oh, and I've granted an interview to the paper, in which I name you, k.k. kimball, as a bad influence on darcy. you are the one who got her drunk. they're running the item tomorrow. we're at least going to get some extra press out of this situation. when this tour is over, you are finished. I mean completely finished.

and with that she bolted, slamming the door behind her. great, I thought, she's probably off to the Today Show to rant about how the press is unfair to her daughter. (who, in the meantime, is still in my bed, sleeping and sweating at the same time. pretty. luckily I closed the door to the bedroom before darla could see her.) I leaned against the door, hoping she was gone.

before I could exhale, Darla began pounding on the door again. I could barely open it when her face pushed itself into the crack and hissed, “and if you DARE record another duet with my daughter, if you even think about it, I will personally see to it that you leave the tour and never record music in this town or any other town again in your life. I am darcy's one and only duet partner. NOT you. I am a singer. YOU are a BACKUP DANCER. stay out of the way. do I make myself clear?”

I wanted to spit back “I don't care i hate that stupid song we wrote together! it's a joke! it's almost as bad as yours” but I just nodded and closed the door. she pounded again, yelling, “and get her coat back, pronto!” but I didn't open it. I couldn't take any more. I mean it wasn't even seven a.m.

now tito and probably my mother are going to see darla's story in the papers and they'll think I'm spending the summer lushed out on a cross-country scorpion-bowl tour. ugh.

how did this happen to me? how did I become the fall girl? it was bad enough that they blamed that whole darcy barnes transvestite look-alike contest fiasco on me, now I have to take the heat for darcy's immature liver. I need a latte.

I can't believe it's not even 7 in the morning yet. I'm hung over and I'm horrified.

thank god I'm K.K. right now and not Kelly. I'm not sure I'd be able to deal.

To:
Tito_T

From:
kaykay4real

Date:
Friday July 26

Time:
7:05
AM

Subject:
Wasn't me

You are still asleep. but I want you to know that no matter what kind of gossip you read online or hear on access Hollywood today, it wasn't me. I love you. help!

K.K.

there was just another knock on the door. it was jesse this time. “Where's darcy?”

she's asleep, I said. goodbye.

he stuck his hand out, blocking the door. “wait, is she asleep? or passed out?”

“what do you think?” I go. now get away.

Passed out? he said, perfect! let me in. he was grinning.

Get … the … fuck … out … of … here! I screamed, slamming the door and dead bolting it. he banged on the door and yelled “well … what are YOU doing? want to hang out?” I ignored him.

If only rashid was here right now. he'd know how to deal. er, actually no he wouldn't. but at least he'd know what to say. sigh. Maybe he wouldn't even know that. but I can't call him anyway. It's 7:10
AM
and normal people just aren't up yet.
omigod I just remembered, our new york show is TONIGHT. this is, according to everyone, the big one. Madison Square Garden. it's where Madonna shot her HBO special and everything. anyone willing to add $29.95 to their cable bill will see our show.

and it's my responsibility to drag the star of the show out of her hangover.

I think I'll let her sleep for now. lemme go make sure she's still breathing. I wonder if I have any gum.

FRIDAY JULY 26

RIHGA ROYAL HOTEL, 10:25
AM

Outfit:
I dug around and found evan's Insane Clown Posse tee for good luck.

Fortune:
Who said life is fair?

miraculously I fell back asleep after that encounter with darla. What can I say, life with Regis and Kelly just didn't hold my attention.

but just a couple of minutes ago Eileen called and woke me up.

“ok k.k. I mean Kelly don't talk, just listen. here's the deal. I left the show this morning. I'm sorry this is so sudden but there was no other way around it. darla decided it would be best if I left the tour immediately. I suppose she's right. I mean that's not the kind of press we want to get for darcy. so it's probably best that I go, even though it's not really my fault. it'll make it easier on you all. and I mean why hang around if you're not really wanted right? so here's the scoop. I overheard darla talking on her cell phone … I don't know who she was talking to … but she was talking about figuring out a way to deal with ‘the k.k. issue,' now I'm not sure what the exact k.k. issue is or anything but she said it doesn't sound good. I think you should watch your back for the next little bit. I don't think she would do anything that would mess up the show, so you're probably safe and won't get fired or anything, but this is darla we're talking
about so it really could go either way. besides she fired me immediately after realizing I was listening to her conversation so there's that, too. so, um, I'm leaving tonight for LA. sorry I have to miss the big show. hey by the way don dezer gave me the heads-up on a new gig … i'm going to manage the FlyGirls2K on the Wayans Brothers' ‘Big Pimpin' on UPN Comedy Hour.' want to join the crew when the tour is up? it's a great gig—pretty much how J.Lo got her start you know.”

I found myself saying “um, ok” before realizing that actually, no, I don't ever want to be a FlyGirl2K on the new Big Pimpin' Comedy Hour. EVER. oh yeah and remembering that I have much more horrifying things to worry about than ending up a FlyGirl2K. Like Darla.

Eileen could probably tell I didn't know what to say. “ok, ok, I better go. I don't want you getting in trouble for talking to me ok good luck k.k. I mean Kelly. I still have your email address i'll be in touch ok? hang in there be strong and keep up the realness ok?”

oh man, what have I gotten myself into?

To:
kaykay4real

From:
Tito_T

Date:
Friday July 26

Time:
10:05
AM

Subject:
Cutie Patootie

You know I only believe what you tell me, sweetie. And you know I'm you're biggest fan. By the way Evan and your
mom are going to come over here to watch your pay-per-view special. He called and asked if he could. How cute is that? Teet

I was like my MOM is going over to Tito's just to watch me? that's weird.

FRIDAY JULY 26

DINER

NEW YORK CITY, 4:55
PM

Outfit:
faded jeans, yellow wifebeater, aviators

Mood:
I've never felt like this so I'm not sure what to call it. it's not good, though.

I didn't think things could go from bad to worse until they did. well actually they got better for a couple of minutes.

I poked my head into the bedroom, saw darcy facedown on the mattress, spread-eagled. no dignity. anyway I thought about checking to see if she was breathing then changed my mind, scrawled a note on a page ripped out of the room service menu (it said “stay in bed, sleepyhead” cause that's what she told me her dad used to say to her on Christmas morning), and stuck the note up to the TV screen. I figured she'd definitely see it there.

then I called rashid's room. “are you up. I need you,” I said. he goes, “lobby, 10 minutes.”

we met downstairs. we walked over to the hazy, hot concrete plaza in front of the Ziegfeld theater down the block, got iced coffee from the guy selling bagels and stuff there, and grabbed a bench. It was still morning, but it already felt like pea soup outside.

I told him the whole story or at least, all the parts I
knew. he just kept laughing. I was yelling at him, all, this is NOT funny! and everything but he was like the HELL it isn't! this is too funny! I mean, are you kidding me? psycho darla plotting to undermine a backup dancer? calling the newspaper to rant about a BLIND ITEM? it sucks about eileen and everything but come on this is too funny. I was like shut up! it wouldn't be so funny if it was YOU and he goes, “actually, I think laughing at it is the only way I could really handle it” and then he gave me the sweetest biggest hug ever and goes, you can handle it, Kelly. none of this is real. remember that. you, however, are real.

I laid my head down in his lap and stared up at him. I felt my keys drop out of my pocket and heard them hit the concrete beneath us.

I go, yeah, it is pretty funny isn't it. and then I started laughing a little. and then laughing harder. and rashid was cracking up right along with me.

Then he stood up and started imitating darla, stroking an imaginary Pekinese and shooting me his rendition of the LOOK. I could barely breathe I was laughing so hard. iced coffee shot out of my nose.

He put his hands around my waist, pulled me toward him, and goes, “your turn.”

So I belted out an amazingly accurate, “Do I make myself CLEAR?!” at the top of my lungs. And I started to crack up. But when I looked up at his face to see his reaction, I realized he wasn't looking at me. His face
had gone gray and he was looking over my head, behind me.

I turned my head and saw darla standing about 10 yards away, hands on hips, staring. and she had the LOOK on. She walked, slowly, right up to us. Ignoring rashid, she just kept focused on me.

After staring at me for what seemed like an eternity, she goes, “Where is my daughter?”

I didn't say a word. rashid crouched down, reached under the bench, found my room key, and gave it to darla.

she headed back toward the hotel. rashid gave me one last hug, whispered, Let me see if I can chill her out, then chased up 54th Street after darla.

I sat down on the bench and sucked on my iced coffee. I looked at my watch. 11:18
AM
. Most days I wouldn't have even been awake yet. But this day is already ruined. I suppose I should have gone up to my room to face darla and make sure darcy was cool. but I didn't. I couldn't. I couldn't picture that tactic working out very well. and I guess I didn't care that much about it either.

besides I knew that I didn't really feel sorry, and apologizing when you don't feel sorry totally sucks.

So I decided to bolt. And wander around the city for hours and hours. At some point it occurred to me that it was my first trip to new york. And that it was exactly the way everyone describes it. Thousands and thousands of people, yet very lonely.
after hours and hours of wandering I went back to the Rihga. unfortunately, everyone (including me, according to the woman cleaning my room) had checked out already (we're supposed to stay somewhere in long island this weekend).

that's why I'm sitting here at this diner. thank god I had $22 on me. and thank god grilled cheese tastes the same no matter where you go.

wow, I'm really broke. what the hell am I going to do about money? I have to get back to the show. I need that check. evan needs it.

ok, it's 5 after 5. I wonder if they're doing sound checks yet?