Conflicted (The Existing Series Book 2) (6 page)

She moved closer to me on the couch until our legs touched. Reaching up, her fingers grazed my cheek sending chills through my body.

“I will always love you, Weston. Never doubt that. Please don’t hate me for leaving. I know I don’t have the right to ask you that, but I need to know you won’t so I can make it through all of this. I never wanted this to happen. I wanted us to work through it all and make it out on top. I always pictured a bigger family, but that just wasn’t in the cards. I know I have no right to ask anything else from you, but please let my daughter know that her mommy loved her and that it killed her to go. When she gets older, I’d love it if you told her the good qualities about me. Tell her that I didn’t want to go but had to go. Promise me these two things, I’m begging you.”

I didn’t know what to say. Confusion seeped through my brain as I tried to understand what the hell had happened from the moment she walked into the door until now. I looked into the depths of her eyes, but they revealed nothing. I wanted to promise her, but I didn’t know if I could keep it when she walked out that door for the second time.

“Why do I need to promise you this? Why can’t you just tell me why you feel the need to leave and we can work through it? You don’t have to leave her, Kenzie.” I didn’t know why I pleaded with her, but I had to try at least. For Grace’s sake.

“Don’t ask me to stay. Please. I’d do it if I could, but just know that I can’t stay. I’d love to be here with you to watch Grace grow into the amazing woman that I know she’ll be.” At the mention of our daughter’s future, one lone tear escaped from her eye and rolled down her cheek.

Something screamed at me to do anything to make her stay, only I knew she wouldn’t listen. This woman was more stubborn than anyone I knew. Once she made up her mind, there was no changing it. So I did the one thing I shouldn’t do. The one thing I knew could possibly be a lie.

I stood and grabbed her hand to pull her up with me. When she stood right in front of me, I placed both hands on either side of her face and made her look me in the eyes for what I was about to say.

“I don’t know what’s going on with you. What you’re doing isn’t the woman I know. I also know that you’ve made up your mind and won’t change it. I’m pissed as hell that you’re doing this to Grace. I can understand you doing this to me, but never her. Every part of me wants to beg you to stay if only for her, but that won’t work. So I’ll do the one thing I shouldn’t. I promise you those two things. I won’t hate you only because I could never hate the one person who’s given me the greatest gift any man could ever receive. I’ll tell our daughter about you and omit the bad until she’s old enough to understand it. That’s about the best I can do. Because I won’t lie to her once she’s old enough to know the truth of this situation. I just don’t get why this has to be so final. Why you can’t just come back when you handle whatever it is that’s causing you to leave. I won’t push you for answers, only because I know you’re hiding it for a reason. Just know I won’t ever forgive you for doing this. You didn’t have to see the heartbreak in Grace’s eyes or the anxiety that she’s experienced with your absence. I hope you have a great life, Kenzie.”

I looked into her eyes for a few moments longer and watched the tears threaten to escape. I let out a sigh and dropped my hands, turning around to face the wall that held all of our happy times. I couldn’t look at her any longer. I couldn’t bear to see the pain in her eyes and not show an ounce of mine. I’d barely held it together when I said my final peace. I also couldn’t watch her walk away.

She touched my shoulder causing me to flinch away, but she placed her hand back in the same spot. She walked closer to me and wrapped her arms around my waist, her head resting against my thin white t-shirt.

The wetness soon followed and her grip grew tighter on my body. Only I didn’t react. Couldn’t move or attempt to console her. My anger grew with each passing second as I realized just how final this step she made was.

The girl I followed to college. The woman who freely gave her virginity to me and I cherished for the past ten years. The mother of my daughter stood behind me and broke down a little further, but I couldn’t get past the pain and the hurt. The thought of all that we were losing, what Grace was losing, was the only thing crossing my mind. The only part of this entire situation I could process was the fact that the woman who carried my daughter was walking away from her and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to stop her.

She sniffled a few more times and stepped back, her touch now physically gone, but the heat of it still lingered on my back, underneath my shoulder blades where her head just rested.

She let out a sigh, and I heard her backing away from me. The sound of her footsteps echoed inside of my head. Each one getting louder than the last. When she reached the door, she paused briefly and the last words she spoke were, “Goodbye.”

The second the door shut quietly behind her I stalked over to the kitchen counter and reached into the cabinet to grab what I knew was another bad idea. Only I needed something to numb the pain. Numb the realization that I was officially a single father and my daughter no longer had a mother in her life.

I twisted the cap off of the bottle, letting it fly across the room and brought it to my lips. One swig turned into five more as the amber liquid eased down the back of my throat, leaving a burning sensation. Only I welcomed the burn. Welcomed any other pain than the one that ripped my heart into a thousand pieces.

Taking one final sip, I pulled the bottle from my lips and launched it across the room. The shattering sound echoed off of the walls, the tiny shards of glass hitting the floor in different directions. Those tiny shards represented the pieces of my heart that would never be put back together again. She’d officially broken it even further tonight if that was even possible.

I thought there was room for hope. That there’d be a light at the end of the tunnel. Only she’d taken that away with the finalization of what she delivered tonight. Leaving here was the perfect solution. The sooner that happened the better. Grace and I needed to make our peace and move forward to find our new happiness. It’s what we deserved. What she deserved, and I wouldn’t settle until I found it.

A
fter my pity
party last night, I cleaned up all the glass and remainder of bourbon that was in the bottle and started packing. I couldn’t let my little girl down and until I’d packed up everything and had us settled back in Nelson County I wouldn’t rest. Instead of letting the rage consume me, it fueled me to get everything organized for the move. I thought I could be out within the month, but after last night there was no way I could stay here that long. No way I could allow Grace to remain here any longer than she had to. So at the crack of dawn this morning I made myself get out of bed and work on making this apartment just a memory. I’d called my dad when I knew he’d be awake and got everything situated to have the trucks and trailers that I knew he’d have no problem providing here next weekend. One week and we’d be done with this place and back where we belonged. Seven days and I could breathe again. Figure out how to move on with my life.

This morning I informed my boss at the shop of my plans in leaving. It wouldn’t be any time soon, but in the near enough future and I thought it’d be wise to tell him so we could find and properly train the replacement if necessary. The commute wouldn’t kill me until I could get things situated with my own business and it’d give me the cash flow that I’d need to take care of Grace.

We’d gotten in our fair share of inspections and oil changes this morning, nothing too serious which suited me just fine. I needed to remain busy and the steadiness of these little repairs helped me keep my mind from shifting to the turmoil that my life had become.

I was leaning over the car with my head under the hood to check the fluids when the bell at the front door sounded. I hated to have to stop since I was almost done, but the owner had to step out and the other guy that worked here was on his lunch break. After I had tightened the cap on the windshield washer fluid, I picked up the towel that I’d laid on the side of the vehicle to rid my hands of the grease that marked my skin.

Without giving it much thought, I set out to see what the customer who entered wanted to fit in. To my surprise when I walked through the door the man that I’d seen only a week ago stood in the waiting area of the office space.

Andrew.

The man who wasn’t supposed to be here.

The man who Magdalena had grieved over in my dream.

My palms became sweaty as to what he’d be here for, but I reined in my nerves and finished walking into the office.

Clearing my throat was the only way I could gain his attention. At the sound, he looked up from the magazine that he was holding and when he’d seen that it was me he put it down and walked over to the counter.

“What can I do for you today?” I asked as I walked behind the counter.

Quickly, I looked away and went to the task of opening up our computer system to book an appointment if he needed one.

“Do you remember me?” he nervously asked.

“I do. Andrew right?”

“That’d be correct. Look, I know this is awkward, but I needed to come by and see you. To thank you,” Andrew replied.

“There’s no reason to thank me. I just did what any decent person would do when you see a woman with a flat tire on the side of the road and offered to help,” I revealed as I looked up from the computer and over to where he stood mere inches away.

“It’s not about the tire,” he whispered and looked around nervously. There’s no way he’s going to say what I think he is. I’m the crazy one here that dreamed in depth about someone I had just met.

“Come again?” I didn’t need this today. I wanted to get things finished up here so that I could go home to pack yet again.

“The things you said to her to bring her back to the living. Whatever they were. I feel the need to thank you. I came home from the store to a frantic as hell wife thinking I’d died. That our son had died. Seeing her like that broke me inside. The pain that she’d thought she’d endured and even now a week later she still has trouble believing that we’re alive. I’m going to go out on a limb here and hope you know what I’m referring to,” he confessed.

I knew all too well what he was referring to. Only I didn’t know how to feel about his revelation. If I should be thankful I’m not the only crazy person or if I should get my head examined one more time to be sure that what happened had actually happened. Or not happened depending on how you looked at it. The more I thought about it, the crazier I felt. Only the feelings that I felt, that I still feel, linger in the recesses of my mind. How being in her presence made me want to live. Made me want to be a better person. I just didn’t know how he’d react to knowing all of this.

All I could do was nod as I continued to ponder on the remnants of the dream that we’d both apparently shared.

“She was too scared to come inside. She’s waiting for my signal that it’s okay to come in here. I don’t even begin to understand what you both experienced, but if it has her wanting to live, wanting to do more than just skate through life, I’m all for it. I love my wife that much. She’ll probably explain it better than I am right now. So if it’s okay with you, I’ll tell her to come inside. If it’s not, I’ll walk out that door and you’ll never have to worry about us again.”

The thought of never seeing her again pulled my mind in a direction that I didn’t want to think about let alone experience. When I figured it was a dream, I felt as if I’d lost my best friend. Now knowing that she’s right outside, that her husband was willing to accept this crazy notion of a friendship, had me wanting to jump for joy. Only I knew I needed to play it cool for everyone’s sake. My emotions were all over the place at the moment with Kenzie leaving, and I longed for normalcy. Whatever that entailed. If this crazy friendship was the new normal, I’d welcome it with open arms. If only for the mere fact that Grace loved her in our dream and she deserved to have as many people in her corner to help her get through the insanity that had become our life.

He cleared his throat and brought me out of my rapid thoughts. I turned to face him and blinked past the fast approaching craziness. He probably thought I was insane.

“Sorry about that. I got lost in thought there for a minute. There’s nothing to thank me for honestly. When I woke up a week ago I thought I had lost my mind. And now with you here telling me all this it all seems so crazy. Even crazier than I’d conjured it up in my mind. You can tell her she can come inside. Just let me take about ten minutes to finish checking over this car, and I’ll be right back,” I stated as I started to move toward the back of the office.

Without looking back, I headed for the confines of the bay. Ten minutes would fly by, but it’d give me some reprieve. A moment to collect my thoughts and try to piece together the bigger part of the insanity that my life was quickly approaching.

I walked over to the car and felt a calm pass over me. There was just something about being under the hood of a car that put me at ease. Something about figuring out the complexity of a problem that filled my urge to solve puzzles. But the main reason I loved what I did was feeling the power surge to life behind an engine. Feeling the grease roll between my fingers as I brought a beast to life.

And just like that the oil change was finished. I hadn’t even completed a full thought process and I’d changed the oil filter and added the new oil. After I checked all the components one last time, I shut the hood. Only I hadn’t wanted the task at hand to be done just yet. That meant having to face Magdalena. She wasn’t what scared me. It was what she wanted out of the whole situation.

I walked over to the sink at the back of the bay and soaped up my hands. While I scrubbed my hands and forearms with the degreasing soap, I heard the office door ding and then the door leading out to the bays opened moments later.

“Weston, you know there are people waiting for you out front right?” Louie, the other mechanic questioned.

“Yeah, I just wanted to finish up this oil change really quick before the customer came back from his meeting. You all good if I go take my lunch now? There are two more cars in line for servicing. The work orders are printed and hanging on the carousel,” I instructed as I rinsed off my hands and grabbed some paper towels to dry them off.

“You go on ahead. I got these two while you’re out,” he reassured.

Without being able to stall any longer, I reluctantly walked toward my awaiting guests.

Uncertainty rolled through me the closer I got to the office door. Before I pulled the door open, I shut my eyes and took a couple deep breaths to calm my nerves.

There’s nothing to be nervous about.

I repeated these words to myself while I focused on breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth. After I took the third deep breath, I shook off the nervous energy and walked through the door.

Andrew sat on the chair by the door, but as I looked around I noticed that Magdalena hadn’t entered the space, or if she had she’d left.

As if he sensed my confusion, he told me that she was still in the car.

“I don’t know how you feel about all of this, but I’m about to walk across the street to get some lunch from the sandwich shop. You guys can join me if you’d like. It’ll be more private over there anyway,” I replied, in hopes that he understood my underlying need to get away from here while we discussed everything.

“Sure. That’ll be no problem at all. I’m starving anyway. I’m sure Magdalena and Liam are as well,” he stated as he stood and walked over to the door.

Before I could comment on the fact that their son was with them, he opened the door and walked toward their vehicle while I followed behind him.

When she saw her husband approaching the SUV, she opened the door and got out. She went to the back and opened the passenger side door and moments later a very energetic toddler emerged. The moment she put him on the ground he began dancing around and talking a mile a minute. Only she took it all in stride and never once wavered in her reaction to the toddler’s excited energy. She spoke to him and encouraged his behavior all the while holding onto his hand so he didn’t stray too far.

She bent to speak to him and when she looked over and pointed at me I stopped my movements. I couldn’t make out what she said and I didn’t want to frighten him by just walking up to him and his parents’. Andrew walked over beside her and swooped him into his arms; the giggle that escaped him caused me to let out one of my own. That sound was music to any parent’s ears. Once she made sure that Andrew had a hold of Liam, she walked over to me, stopping mere inches in front of me.

“Hey, Weston,” she replied as she rubbed her hands back and forth. The air was chilly and the wind only made the cold worse. The only thing protecting me from the elements was the coveralls that I had on and the beanie on my head.

“Hey, Magdalena,” I whispered back as I looked to the ground.

This was more awkward than I thought it would be.

My stomach growled suddenly causing us both to laugh and break the awkward silence that loomed between us.

“It sounds like someone needs to eat soon,” she joked.

“Yeah, I haven’t eaten since early this morning. The place that I told Andrew about is just right across the street. If you want to head over there, we can have a quiet and warm place to talk,” I suggested.

“Sounds like a plan,” she replied as she turned and took in the buildings across the street. Once she spotted the sandwich shop, she walked over to where her husband and son stood and gestured for them to follow her.

We all waited for the road to clear and ran across the street before another car approached in either direction. Liam thought it was hilarious that he got to bounce up and down on Andrew’s side, causing all of us to laugh in return. Only my laughter was for nervous reasons. I didn’t know what to expect. What either of them wanted out of this. All I knew was that seeing her was so strange, yet felt just like home at the same time.

In the dream, I gravitated toward Magdalena with this need to protect her. Make her feel safe and want to experience life. Just like I had as I watched all three of them before me. Only I didn’t remember feeling that way when we’d initially met. I knew people had insane dreams where they woke up confused, angry, sad, or even terrified. Only this dream spanned over months and involved many different scenarios. None of which would probably ever make sense.

We made it to the door of the small sandwich shop and quickly went inside so that we could get out of the cold. The inside was small with a homey feel. There were only a handful of tables and the counter displayed cakes and muffins that I knew for a fact Sam made fresh every morning. There was also a salad and soup bar off to the right of the counter.

They stared at the menu while I instantly knew what I wanted. It hardly ever changed from day to day.

“I’ll have the turkey club on wheat with a side of fries and a sweet tea, Sam. And whatever they’re having,” I replied as I grinned up at her.

“Is it ever going to change, Weston? I swear you’re going to turn into a piece of turkey lunch meat one of these days,” she joked as she walked over and poured my drink.

After she brought the beverage back, she looked over to Andrew, Magdalena, and Liam with a strange look in her eye. Instantly, I prayed that the Sam I’d grown to know over the years wouldn’t react to the newcomers the way she usually did. Interrogation was her strong suit. That and nosiness.

“What can I get y’all?” she asked as she waited for them to place their order.

“We’ll have two of the same thing he ordered and a grilled cheese for the little guy,” Andrew ordered.

She rang it all up, and I hurriedly handed over the amount. I invited them to lunch, therefore I paid. It was how I was raised.

“You didn’t have to do that, but thank you,” Andrew replied, apparently knowing just why I’d done what I did.

A few minutes later, Sam had all of our food on two trays and handed them across the counter to Magdalena and me, while Andrew still held Liam in his arms. Only he wasn’t as cheerful as he was moments ago. He had his thumb in his mouth and his head leaned onto his father’s shoulder. I knew that look all too well. He was getting tired. He had the same telltale signs that Grace displayed when she was getting tuckered out.