CONVICTION (INTERFERENCE) (10 page)

“Because you never told me.”

“I guess I thought you could see it, feel it. I thought it was implied.” I was shaking now, worried that I had scared him off. “It’s okay if you don’t feel that way about…me.” 

He didn’t say anything for a few minutes. He just stared at me. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and said, “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I really thought you knew. I’m sorry if I shocked you.” I looked down and then started to head toward my car, hoping…praying he’d follow. 

He reached out his hand and grabbed my arm gently, but firmly, and turned me back to face him. When I refused to look at him, he gently cupped my chin in his hand and lifted my face up to look at him. There were tears in my eyes and I tried to blink them away, but they managed to escape anyway. He reached out and gently wiped them away with his thumb and said, “Rebecca, you did shock me. You surprised the hell out of me. I just never dreamed you’d say it…first.”

“What?” I asked, the tears more prevalent now.

“I love you, too. More than anything.”

I was so relieved. My legs turned to jelly and suddenly I found myself wrapped in his arms, holding onto him for support.

It was the first and only physical contact we’d shared, other than the few, brief, failed attempts I’d made at hand-holding. I know it was me that initiated the hug, but I think he knew I needed it, so he allowed it…for a minute, anyway. But it wasn’t long before he pulled away and led me to my car.

I thought for sure that now that we’d both confessed our
mutual love for each other, he’d
ease up on his strict rule of ‘never laying a hand on me.’ I was wrong!

Mom…and Uncle Brent?

“Mom, how old were you when…I mean, when did you know…?” I stuttered and stammered and couldn’t get the sentence out. I needed advice, and since my best friend had pretty much avoided any conversation that even involved Shane, I knew I had to look elsewhere for help. And,
elsewhere
was standing in the kitchen doing dishes.

“What are you asking, Rebecca?” she asked, turning to look at me from the sink.

I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t bring myself to ask my mother about her and my father’s love life. “Nothing, never mind.”

“Honey, what’s bothering you?”

“Nothing.”

“Something’s bothering you. It’s been bothering you for a while now. What is it? Are you still nervous about your valedictorian speech? It’s perfect!”

“I’m nervous, yes, but, I told you, it’s nothing. Goodnight.” I headed upstairs to my room to get ready for bed.

I did my nightly rituals, slipped into my nightgown and climbed into bed and sighed. I had just spent another wonderful, but extremely frustrating evening with Shane. I loved spending time with him. I loved him. But, he’d been my boyfriend for over four months now, and he hadn’t even so much as kissed me. I know he felt guilty about the girl from his past, but we loved each other and I, for one, needed to express it…physically. But, he refused all of my advances, gently reminding me that we agreed to wait until I was at least 18. I reminded him that I didn’t agree to that rule, but he was steadfast in his convictions, and all of my pleading fell on deaf ears.

My mother knocked on my door a few minutes later. “Becca,
Honey, are you still awake?”

I sat up, “Yeah, Mom. What’s up?”

“That’s what I want to know,” she said, sitting down beside me on my bed. “You seem so worried or upset about something. If it’s not your speech, then what is it? You’re graduating high school in three days. You should be having the time of your life right now, but you don’t seem…happy.”

“I’m happy! I’m very happy.”

She brushed my hair back from my face. “Okay, maybe happy not’s the right word. You’ve been very happy since you started dating Shane. But, something is definitely bothering you. You started to ask me something downstairs. What was it?”

I blushed, remembering the fleeting moment when I started to ask my mother when she and my dad first had sex. I looked down, not sure how to get out of this one.

“Honey, whatever it is, you can tell me. You can tell me anything.”

“It was nothing, really. I just…” I couldn’t do it.

“Rebecca, Honey, are you pregnant?” she closed her eyes and I could see she was having a difficult time not crossing herself in prayer. She was silently praying she was wrong…which, of course, she was.

“No! Trust me, you’re way off!”

I could see her breathing returning to normal and I know she silently gave thanks to God that she wasn’t going to be a grandmother just yet. “Okay, good. I’m sorry, it’s just, well you’ve been so distant lately. Is everything alright with you and Shane? You didn’t break up with him, did you?”

“Do you think I’d be this calm if I broke up with my boyfriend? Mom, I love Shane…and before you tell me I’m too young to know what love is…”

“I wasn’t going to tell you that. I see how you two look at each other. I know you love each other. So, what’s bothering you?”

“If I ask you something, will you try not to read more into it than there is?”

“I can try.”

I took a deep breath. “How long did you and daddy date before…I mean, did you wait…until you were married?”

She thought about it for a minute and said, “Yes. We waited…until our wedding night.”

“Oh. Okay. How long did you date before you got married?”

“Not quite a year. We were just friends at first.” She smiled and patted my hand. “What’s this about, Honey? Is Shane pressuring you?”

“I wish!” I said it before I could stop myself.

“What does that mean?”

“Nothing. No, he’s not pressuring me. He um, he wants to wait…until I’m at least 18,” I admitted to my mother.

“And, I’m guessing you don’t want to wait?”

I thought about it for a minute and said, “Would it be terrible if I said no?” I blushed again and looked down and played with a piece of thread on my bedspread.

“Rebecca, it’s not wrong to want to have a physical relationship with someone you love. Not that I’m pushing you into it, mind you. I just want what’s best for you.”

“Shane’s what’s best for me. I love him, and I know he loves me. It’s just…I feel like whenever I talk to him about it, he shuts me out. It’s like, he doesn’t want me…that way.”

“Oh Honey, I’m sure that’s not it. He’s very protective of you. Maybe he just doesn’t think you’re ready, yet. Or, maybe he’s not ready. Maybe he’s never…”

I looked up at her with eyes that said she was wrong about that one.

“Oh, I see. Well, maybe he’s just waiting for the right time.”

“Wow, I thought you’d be angry with me. It’s just, well, I love him…and, I know we should wait, but I guess I’m not as strong as you. He’s driving me crazy. ”

“Honey, I’m going to tell you something no one else knows…well, besides your father…and your uncle.” She took a deep breath and said, “Before I dated your father, I dated…Uncle Brent.”

“What?  No way!”

“Yes, I did. In fact, that’s how I met your father…through Brent. Brent was so handsome…gorgeous, really.”

“EW!  Gross!”

“I’ll show you pictures of him when he was young, you’d be surprised. He’s changed…a lot. But, back then…I found him very hard to resist.” She took a deep breath and said, “In fact, I found him so hard to resist, that I didn’t.”

“What?”

“I slept with your Uncle Brent. It was long before your father and I started dating.  It was just one night…and honestly, I regret it. But not because I wasn’t married to him, but because I knew that I didn’t really love him, I just loved the thought of him. He was a ‘bad boy,’ or so I thought, and I just couldn’t help myself. Do you understand?”

“Not really,” I said, seeing a whole new side to my mother.

“He was very attractive, but, as you know, he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed.  It was lust Rebecca, not love. So, when you’re father and I started dating, I told myself that I was going to wait to get to know him before we…became intimate. But, I fell in love with him so fast and so hard, that I didn’t want to wait. But, you know your father, and when he gets something in his mind, there’s no changing it. He refused to touch me until our wedding night…and I’m sure you don’t want to hear this, but, he was worth the wait.”

“Double EW!”

She smiled and said, “Nevertheless, my point is, that even though your father gives Shane a hard time, they’re alike in a lot of ways. Give him time, Honey. Trust me, it’ll be worth the wait.”

“You and…Uncle Brent?” I was still reeling from that bit of news.

She laughed and left the room for a minute, promising to quickly return. She sat back down on the side of the bed and handed me a picture. 

“Is that…?”

“I told you, he was gorgeous.”

“Wow, I would have never guessed in a million years that was him.” I handed the picture back to her and said, “Well, he may have been gorgeous back then, but you still got the better brother. Dad’s great, and I’m happy to say he’s certainly aged much better than Uncle Brent.”

“Definitely. So, did I help you at all?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Honey, give him time. I told you…it’ll be worth the wait. And, with Shane, you get the best of both brothers rolled into one. Looks and brains.”

I smiled at her. “I know, that’s what makes him so hard to resist. It wouldn’t be so bad if he’d just show me some affection.”

“He’s very affectionate. He’s always doing little things for you, fussing over you…”

“That’s not what I mean. He’s always considerate and he does do nice things for me but…”

“But, what?”             

“He won’t hug me or hold my hand…”

“Some guys just don’t feel comfortable showing that kind of affection around other people or in public.”

“Mom, he won’t do it in private, either.” I looked down. “He hasn’t even…kissed me yet.”

“What?”

“It’s true…not once.”

“How can that be? You’ve been going out for months now. Surely you’ve at least kissed…”

I shook my head. “He won’t touch me…at all.”

“Oh, well, that does seem…strange. And, it doesn’t make any sense. I know he loves you. I can see it in his eyes. They follow you everywhere. Why wouldn’t he…?”

I knew it was my turn to be honest with her. “Mom, remember the night that Shane told you and daddy why he went to Juvenile Hall for two years?”

“Yeah, he stole some alcohol and then a car.”

“That’s not all he did. But, if I tell you, you have to promise not to tell Daddy.”

“I’ll promise if you promise not to tell him that I thought Brent was the better looking brother,” she grinned.

“Deal.”

“Okay?” she said, waiting.

“After he stole the car, he went to a girls’ house; a girl that had a huge crush on him. He was drunk…very drunk, and her parents weren’t home…and he um, he…”

“He forced himself on her?” she said.

I nodded. “He can’t forgive himself. She was only 14, and I know it eats at him every day.  He won’t let it go, even though he paid his dues.”

“Well, that would be hard for anyone to handle.”

“Please don’t tell Daddy. Shane would never hurt me…or anyone else, ever. He hasn’t touched a drop of alcohol since that night, and he’s made amends…”

“I know, Honey. It’s okay. I know Shane’s a good person. And, I’m sure the alcohol had a lot to do with it. But, it was still a terrible thing to do.”

“He said she forgave him and refused to call the police, but he couldn’t live with the guilt and turned himself in.”

“Something tells me he’s punished himself far worse than anything they could have done to him in Juvenile Hall.”

“He punishes himself every day. I can’t get him t
o see reason. He feels so guilty about what he did, that it’s getting in the way of…us.”

“You’re going to just have to be patient with him.”

“I’m tired of being patient. I want him to kiss me!” I admitted and then blushed bright red.

She couldn’t suppress her laughter, which only fueled my fire. “MOM, it’s not funny!”

“Honey,” she said, trying to regain her composure. “I’m not laughing at you, but don’t you know that you have all the power?”

“What?”

“He’s a man.”

“Believe me, I’ve noticed,” I said dejectedly, missing her point.

“Honey, I’m sure he thinks that if he gets too close to you, then he’s going to hurt you, like he hurt her.”

“I know that.”

“Yes, but what you don’t realize, is that once you get past that barrier, he’s going to forget about her…and all he’ll see is you. He loves you.”

“But, how do I get past the barrier?”

“You can’t reason with him, because he’s dead set against a physical relationship until you’re 18. He truly believes that’s what’s best for you. You’re going to have to convince him otherwise.”