Authors: Melyssa Winchester
“Impossible, they don’t make a cleaner strong enough to mask that.”
I can tell with how close they sound that they’re behind us but I refuse to turn around in order to confirm it. Their words get to me though. I’ve managed to avoid seeing them this week, so having them here now brings everything to the surface. It’s like I’m back in that bathroom all over again.
My heart starts racing and I breathe in and out, timing myself, in an effort to calm down before Tristan figures out something’s going on. He’s used to things happening with me, but usually Mom is with us. We’re on our own now.
“How about you shut up?”
“Tristan, don’t. You know Mom hates you saying that word.” I
whisper the minute I realize that it was him answering them back.
“Oh look, the retard can talk after all.”
Well I could before you had to call attention to it.
I think the minute Charlotte says the words.
“She sounds like a mouse, doesn’t she, Ames?”
“Yeah, she does. A stupid mouse though.”
I can’t let them see that they’re getting to me. If I do, I know what’s going to happen and tonight I’m determined to not let it get that far. I knew this might happen
, so now I just have to suck it up and deal with it. I can’t let my fear win.
“Stop talking about yourself.” Tristan snaps again, his eyes never shifting from their vantage point on the field. Whatever the reason is for why he’s doing this, he’s not giving them the satisfaction of looking at them. He’s six and he’s stronger then I am.
“I feel bad for Kayden, I mean he gave his jacket to her and all she’s gonna do is piss all over it.”
Charlotte’s comment gets to me despite all of my attempts not to let it. Anytime someone brings up my accidents, I always react, even though I don’t want to. I can feel the tears building up in the corner of my eyes and the pounding of my heart in my head, loud as ever. If I don’t get out of here or get control of it soon, I’m going to make her words a reality.
I stand, grab hold of Tristan’s hand, whispering to him that I need to get out of there and he instantly starts walking, pulling me with him. He might not entirely get what autism is or why it makes me the way I am, but he does get that it’s causing me pain and just like he said at home, he’s protecting me.
“Hey, Isabelle!”
I hear Amy call out before we’re able to get away. “You think Kayden really likes you, but he doesn’t. You were his choice. He’s been playing you the entire time.”
There’s a crushing weight on my chest as she speaks, but before I can get out of there I feel Tristan’
s hand slide out of my own. Before I know it, he’s walking toward both girls. Raising his leg, I watch as he stomps down hard on Amy’s foot before turning to Charlotte and kicking her in the knee. It might not be the right way to deal with things, but as they both react, I can’t help feeling a little proud of him.
“Stupid girls.” He says
before coming back and sliding his hand in mine again. “Let’s call Mommy. I wanna go home now.”
Kayden
There is something seriously wrong with this picture.
We won the game, I’ve talked to a total of three different scouts for various schools, I’m riding the biggest high of my life and she’s nowhere to be found. Not only that, but she hasn’t been here the entire time and I should know. I
checked every single time I was brought in off the field.
No Isabelle. No Tristan.
I knew asking her to do this for me was huge and I sort of figured she might not make it the entire time considering that a football game can be overwhelming, but she didn’t even make it through half of it. It’s like I talked to her and she disappeared.
I saw the looks I got when I pulled her close to me earlier. I also saw the reaction when I placed my lips to hers. None of these idiots understand it, so they’re sitting th
ere judging it. It’s like we’re some weird kind of reality show to these people and I can’t stand it. If I wasn’t trying to stay calm for her, I would have said something to every single one of them for the shit they were whispering and the looks they were throwing our way.
You never really think about what people go through until you’re thrown into i
t. I did a lot of things believing that the impact would be worth it when I picked on people, but I never gave much thought to how the actual person being picked on feels. I get it now. Hell, I see it because I’m getting it too.
People are way too ignorant and I should know because I was the same way. If I can learn to be different though, can’t they? Is change really that scary?
I have no idea what this means, her not being here, but I’m not gonna spend the night walking all over the field looking for her or waiting for her to come back and find me. No, I’m going to her and I’m gonna find out once and for all what made her run. If it’s because it was too much, I can handle that, but if something else happened then I need to know so I can deal with it.
If no one else is gonna stick up for this girl then I’m going to do it and I honestly don’t care what it means for me in the long term. I would rather be
a total nobody at school, kicked completely off the team if it means I can change the way things have been here from day one. Something has to give and if they aren’t gonna do anything on their own, I’m gonna change it myself.
It’s only when I pull up in front of her house twen
ty minutes later that the doubt starts creeping in.
Am I the reason she left? Is being with me too hard for her and she
’s finally realizing she can’t handle it?
I make my way to her door, watching my feet as I place one foot in front of the other, each one leading me one step closer to what’s waiting behind that door. Will she be the one to answer or will it be her mom? Will they be happy to see me or just want me to get as far away from her as possible?
Before I can even raise my hand to knock, the door slides open and the light from inside spills out into the darkness, bringing a shadow across me from the person inside.
As my eyes a
djust to the lights, I see it’s Isabelle and the look on her face tells me everything I need to know. There are dried tear marks on her cheeks and the brightness I’d seen only a few hours before is completely wiped out. Her lips that for the past week have been frozen in a permanent raised position are mirroring her eyes as they’re completely straight and displaying no real emotion at all.
Seeing her this way makes my worst fear
s a reality.
“Belle…”
She shakes her head at me, something she hasn’t done in weeks and I swallow the lump in my throat. She’s shaking her head because she doesn’t want to talk to me. It hurts.
I watch as she moves away from the door and I wonder if I should follow her, but before I can move my foot in the direction she just disappeared into, she’s back and this time she’s got her phone with her. The problem with this is that I left my phone in the car, which means anything she says, I won’t get.
“My phone’s in the car. So whatever you wanna say, I won’t see.”
She slides her phone across to me and the minute our hands connect as I take it from her, she flinches and backs up. Whatever happened tonight while I was playing has done a lot more damage then I realized. It’s almost as if we’re right back where we were weeks ago. I don’t like it.
I need to find a way to fix it.
You need to go.
“I’m not going anywhere, Isabelle. Not until you tell me what’s going on.”
I hand the phone back out to her and she grabs it, but this time she positions her hands differently somehow because we don’t touch. She doesn’t have a clue of course, but not touching her is ripping me apart inside. I want to be able to touch her. I have never felt so lost in my life.
I know everything now. Amy told me. I know it was all a game to you, Kayden. You don’t have to act anymore.
“Wait, what?” I question as I read her words over a couple of times. “Amy told you what?”
Before she can type a response, another shadow enters the doorway and looking up; I see it’s her mom. As much as I don’t want to deal with an adult right now, only wanting Isabelle to tell me what happened, I realize that she might be the only person that can get me the answers.
“Isabelle, go inside, Tristan wants you.”
She nods her head and just like that, she’s gone and I’m completely alone. It’s something I haven’t felt since the day my mom left. I hate that there’s anything with Isabelle that I can compare to that woman. They’re nothing alike, but there’s no denying that the minute she vanished, I felt empty, just the way I did then.
“What happened?” I manage to choke out. “Everything was fine before the game.”
“I think deep down you know what happened tonight, Kayden. People happened.”
“What does she mean by
‘I know it was all a game’
?”
“Tristan told me that a couple of the girls said some things to her about you.”
She doesn’t need to say anything else. I know exactly what girls said things and the minute I get back to the school I’d handle it. Amy and Charlotte have pissed me off for the last time. First though, I need to make sure that everyone here knows the truth. I can’t stand them believing that I was lying or playing them. It wasn’t like that at all.
“It’s not true.”
“Well honey, I know that and deep down I think Isabelle might know it too, but you have to realize how hearing those kinds of things is for her. She might not be able to say the words, Kayden, but my daughter cares very deeply for you.”
Shit. Now I feel even worse. I could easily tell that she liked me, her smile told me that, but the way her mom
sounds now, it’s something more. Something that I thought I was the only one feeling.
“Tell me how to fix this.”
“I’m not sure that you can right now. Isabelle needs time. I believe that you’re sincere, but when the majority of the people she comes across are not that way, it’s hard for her to see it the same way I do. I can talk with her and do my best to get her to go to the dance, but for now, I think you need to do as she asked of you.”
“You want me to leave?” I ask, already knowing it’s the last thing I want to do.
“For now, I think it would be best if you did. Go to the dance, Kayden.”
“I’m not sure I want to leave her when she’s like this, especially since it’s about me.”
“I know, but it’s something that she needs. Like I said, I’ll talk to her and do my best to get her there. You can handle it from there, but if you continue standing here now, I’m afraid that nothing I say will get through.”
I have to do what she’s asking because the last thing I want is to make anything harder for Isabelle, but I don’t like it. Leaving her seems
so wrong and I’m tired of doing everything wrong. I should never have let her go when we were kids. I should have kept her close to me so that this pain didn’t exist now.
It really is my fault. Amy and Charlotte did this because of me.
“Okay…I’ll go, but, Mrs. R?”
“Yes?”
I know what I’m about to say, but before I can form the words, I stop myself. No, I can’t say this as a message passed along. It needs to come from me.
“Just tell her I’ll see her there.”
As she says goodnight and shuts the door behind me, I don’t make a move to turn and go. I know that I need to do what I’ve been told, but I still can’t shake the feeling that me leaving right now is only going to make it worse. I need to talk to her and explain that those girls are full of shit. I need to tell her that they couldn’t be more wrong.
Most of all, I need to tell her what I should have told her days ago.
I love her.
Belle
I can’t believe I’m doing this.
The last thing I wanted to do after what happened at the game is come to this stupid dance, but as always, my mom said all the right things and well, here I am.
There was this moment when I saw Kayden walking up the driveway that I wanted to open the door, run to him, have him hold me and never let go. I thought that being in his arms could erase everything that Amy and Charlotte said. That everything could just go back to the way it was before I agreed to go.
It can’t though.
When I opened the door before he had the chance to knock, I told him to leave. It’s better this way, not only for me, but for him too. There’s a part of me that knows Amy was lying to me about him, but it doesn’t change how wrong we are for each other. We might make each other happy, but that’s bound to wear off sometime and its better we stop now instead of waiting until both of us are in too deep.
He deserves to be with a girl that he doesn’t have to constantly worry about. He should be with one that doesn’t have accidents when she’s under pressure and one that doesn’t cry every second. Most of all, he deserves a girl that can really give him everything he needs with no fear. She will be able to talk to him, laugh at his stupid jokes and constantly challenge him to be better.
He deserves someone I can never be.
I know I’m not defective the way people believe. This isn’t about me thinking I’m less than other people. It’s about me wanting to do the right thing by this boy that I love so much. I need to let him go now, even if it breaks me in the process.
When I told my mom all of this, she didn’t agree with me, but because she a
lways lets me make my own decisions, she backed down easily. The only thing she didn’t back down on, was me coming to the dance.
She feels that I owe it to myself to go through with this, considering how much work we put into making sure I could. The dress and shoes bought, her prepared to do my makeup and hair for me. We had it all planned out for days and she felt that turning my back on it now, would become a regret later on.
I couldn’t disagree with it, so that’s why I’m here. It’s the reason I’ve got makeup on for the first time and why I’m wearing a smile that even I can’t believe in.
I’m determined for this to be a night to remember, but more than that, I’m determined to see it through for her. She took pictures before she drove me here and I really want this to be something she can look back
on and be pleased with. It really is because of her and her never say die attitude with me that I’m even standing here now. She deserves this moment even more than I do.
As I make my way into the school and down the hall toward the gym, I can feel the eyes on me but this time, I don’t hear the name calling that usually comes along with it. I don’t hear anyt
hing actually. Usually, there’s always a whisper, along with the traditional name calling, but this time, it’s just silence.
When I ge
t there, I see the doors are open and the dance has already started. There are couples clinging to each other in the middle of the room, as well as groups of friends standing in clusters on the sidelines. There are lights hanging from the ceiling and they seem to be casting blue stars below. There are banners and streamers hanging in all four corners and I’m struck by just how beautiful it looks.
It’s like this room was made for someone like me. The lighting isn’t bright, which calms me. While there are a lot of different things happening at one time, I’m okay with it because nothing is moving fast. It’s all far away from me. The sensory overload that I normally feel just isn’t there.
This really is a dream come true. For the first time, I feel like a normal girl.
A movement catches my eye on the right side of the room and as I
turn and look out, I see him. Standing alone, looking like he wants to be anywhere but here, is Kayden. He’s scowling and it makes me sad. This is supposed to be his night. He won his game. He should be in the middle of the room, dancing and having a good time. Not like this.
His hair is completely slicked back, the normal dirty blonde shade, looking almost black under the starry lights. He’s rocking back and forth on his feet, his standard black boots sticking out from the tuxedo he’s wearing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him dressed like
this before, but it’s another reason I’m glad I came. If anything, I want to remember Kayden like this, even if after tonight we no longer see each other.
He looks beautiful.
As I try and will myself forward, I feel an arm brush across my back and I freeze. With Kayden all the way on the other side of the room, it’s not his familiar touch that’s with me now, but I do know that whoever it is, I don’t want it.
“You came.”
Dillon.
I nod and as I look up, I see him smiling at me. I know that things have been different the last couple of weeks and that he’s b
een better, but I’m not sure I trust his smile. It’s probably because of Kayden, but nothing about this feels right.
“I heard about earlier, Isabelle. I’m sorry that they said that shit to you.”
Of course he knows what happened. I bet Amy couldn’t wait to run and tell him all about it. Making the autistic girl cry and run from them must have gotten a lot of laughs. I played right into their hands just the way they wanted me too, even if the look in Dillon’s eyes says differently.
“Will you dance with me?” he asks and I flinch at the sound of his voice, something he picks up on because he speaks again. “Belle, you can trust me.”
If I want to do what I promised my mom, then it’s gotta start now. As much as I don’t want Dillon to be the one I’m dancing with, it’s just the way it has to be. Letting him take me by the hand and lead me to the dance floor, I swallow down the trickle of fear that’s rising to the surface. I focus on the guy leading me, until we’re in the middle of the room and he’s resting my arms around his neck as the music starts.
I’m still filled with an uneasy feeling and it’s obvious to Dillon in how frigid I’m standing. It’s when he leans in and speaks tha
t I finally let it go.
“Don’
t let them get to you, Isabelle. Just focus on me. I’ll get you through it.”
Kayden
After leaving Isabelle’s, I did what her mom said and went home. I showered, dressed, making sure I looked exactly the way I wanted to look when I thought I’d be picking her up. I did everything that way, so that if she did show, she would see that I’m alright.
I must have been standing here like this for a half hour or more, finally reaching a point where I gave up believing she would show. I lost the smile and reverted back to the way I’ve always been. Something happened when I finally stopped faking it. I actually felt alright. Not perfect or the way I wanted to be, but at least I wasn’t feeling completely empty anymore.
I’m not sure what happened, but one second, I’m standing in the corner, my face angled down toward my boots and suddenly it’s like there’s this pull inside me to look up. I catch a bit of a breeze pass by, thinking that someone ran by me, but when I look up, I start to see what the breeze was all about. It was a sign.
Standing in the doorway, in a dress that looks like it was ripped straight out of a fairy-tale, is Isabelle. Her hair tied back and out of her face, except for two bits hanging down on either side, falling into her cheeks. Her dress is strapless and light blue, the top tight to her body, yet for some reason glowing under the lights above us. The rest falls away from her and as her eyes catch mine, it hits me exactly who she looks like. With the way her hair sits and the way her dress shapes around her, she looks like Cinderella.
She’s breathtaking.
Shaking myself to stop from staring, I start to move forward, but before I can even take two steps in her direction, I see him. Dillon comes up from behind her and I watch as his lips move and she responds with a nod. I can’t make out what they’re saying, but considering she doesn’t seem eager to get away, it isn’t anything bad.
It’s only when she places her hand in his that my blood starts to run hot. I’m reminded of the day in the locker room when I told him she was mine. Seeing her moving across the floor with him, ties me up in knots. It’s not supposed to be him leading her to the dance floor. It’s supposed to be me.
The knot tightens as he wraps her arms around his neck and she leans into his body as they sway to the music. It’s no longer just my blood boiling over now, but my head too. I can feel the urge to rip her away from him driving me and I fight it. As much as I want to act like a Neanderthal right now and take my girl back, I can’t do that. I have to let this play itself out.
“Amy’s gonna kill her.”
Great. Apparently
standing here focusing on them, left me open for people to start conversations.
“Screw off, Charlotte.”
“Way to be a total asshole, Kayden.”
“You know it. Now go away.”
“You know what Kay? Screw you! A couple months ago, you couldn’t get enough of me, but now, all because of some retard in an ugly dress, you treat me like I’ve got some disease. I don’t, you know, she does.”
I’m against hitting girls. That’s not to say I’ve ne
ver purposely knocked into someone before in the hall, hell, I did it to Isabelle a lot, but never actually come right out and hit a chick. I’m getting dangerously close to that point right now. Charlotte is seriously pissing me off.
“You really wanna know what yo
u were, Char? A fucking distraction, that’s it. You’re like every other girl in this school, shallow and bitchy. Sure, your chest distracted me for awhile, but like most toys, it got boring.”
“Asshole.” She seethes at me under her breath and I laugh. She really thinks calling me that is gonna wound me. She’s as stupid as she looks.
“Run along, Char. Amy must be going out of her mind, not having you there to follow her around like the dog you are.”
It’s harsh and I know it, but it has the desired effect. She turns on her heel after I catch her rolling her eyes and stalks off, leaving me alone again.
The song is changing now, to one with a heavier beat and I watch Isabelle and Dillon. When they make no move to get off the dance floor, even going so far as to start dancing to the song, I know I’ve had as much as I can take. I’m not sure what his game is, but if it’s turning me inside out so I become the jealous asshole, he’s succeeding.
I have never wanted to kick someone’s ass so much in my life.
She smiles at him as he spins her around and everything shifts inside of me. Up until twenty four hours ago, I thought I was the only person in the world that could make her smile like that. Now I’m seeing the truth. Apparently Dillon can too.
My worst fears are coming true.
I’m losing her.
Belle
I’m not sure how it happened, but I’m actually having fun.
As Dillon swings me around again, letting m
e dance around him, I’m smiling and laughing and having the time of my life.
When he told me to ignor
e everyone around us, I did as he said and everything seemed to get lighter. I kept my eyes locked on him or at least his chest and now as it’s a new song, I’m doing the same again. I focus on his smile and how amazing dancing this way really is.
There’s a set of eyes I can’t entirely block out though and after one particular spin, I catch them and they seem to be the complete opposite of what I’m sure is evident in my own. Where I’m happy, he seems damaged, hurt even, and I can’t help but feel that I’m the reason why.
When Dillon asked me to dance, I was so sure he was doing it for Kayden that it didn’t even occur to me that maybe he was acting on his own. With the scowl on his face now, it all makes sense. I don’t stop dancing though. I don’t go to him the way I want to. I just do the one thing that’s always been so hard to do with him. I look away.
As much
as I want to believe that Amy is lying, I can’t. There’s this part of my brain that keeps going over every single thing that’s happened with us and it just seems to bring more truth to what she said. When you spend a long time doing things to someone, not so nice things, why would you change it unless you were playing a game with them?
That’s where confusion sets in. I can replay every second of our time together. The way it felt when he kiss
ed me, the struggle he had asking me out and the way his eyes always go soft and tender whenever he’s around me. Is it possible to fake that sort of thing? I know actors do it because there would never be any movies if they didn’t, but away from the cameras and the insanity, can a real, living, breathing person do that sort of thing?
“Oh no! I’m losing her.” Dillon calls across to me and I grin as we continue dancing. He could have easily made fun of me for what I did, but instead he cracked a joke. As off as he makes me feel most times, it’s obvious he’s not the same guy as before.
Neither is Kayden.
The song ends as I banish all
thoughts of Kayden from my head and Dillon leads me off the dance floor and over to where the drinks and food are set up. I’m not sure if he realizes it or not, but I’m not going to be able to eat anything that’s set out in front of us.