Authors: Melyssa Winchester
“If I didn’t see it with my own freaking eyes, I wouldn’t believe it. Kayden Walker,
the king of Wexfield High, cuddling with the retard.”
I’ve been e
xpecting this. With the way I pulled her to me and dragged her up the stairs, it’s inevitable.
“If you know what’s good for you, you’ll shut your mouth right now.”
“Or what, Walker? You gonna go postal on my face again?”
“It crosse
d my mind,” I snap as I take in the group of people around me. “Wonder if this time your girlfriend will come to your rescue.”
Tim moves toward me, but the minute his eyes lock on mine, the urge to fight building, he takes a step back. It’s good to know that at least on
e of these jackasses is smarter then he looks.
“I don’t know what’s gotten into you man, but you better snap out of it. People are talking and it’s not good for you if it keeps up.”
If I didn’t want to knock the smile off his face so bad, his words might have gotten to me. I know exactly how it works here. I know it will only take one or two more times of me being seen with Isabelle for everything I’ve achieved here to come falling down around me. The thing is though, I just don’t care. They can take their little clique and shove it.
“Awe, Dill
. I didn’t know you cared.”
“Man, the girl’s really gotten to
you hasn’t she? You’re willing to throw away everything for some stupid girl that can’t even talk to you.”
I ignore everything he says because I don’t think I’m ready to admit to myself, let alone them, that there actually might be some truth in it. I’m just trying to do the right thing, it’s that simple.
“Just leave her alone Dillon. You want someone to harass, you’ve got a whole school full of people. She’s off limits.”
I watch as he
seems to consider my words, a first for him considering how idiotic he can be. Just as I’m about to push my way around them and head to my locker, he speaks and the minute he does, I know that the peace I thought I might have been able to broker, isn’t going to be happening anytime soon.
It’s going
to get a hell of a lot worse.
“You want me to leave her alone, then you’ve gotta pick someone to take her place. You want us to believe you don’t have a thing for this girl, well here’s your chance.”
Belle
“Isabelle, I don’t think he’s coming. I’m sorry.”
I want to turn and tell her thanks for pointing out the obvious, but even if I could say the words, I still wouldn’t. With the way she’s looking at me right now, her eyes full of the same pitied expression I see every day, I just want to get as far away from her as possible and enjoy what’s left of my lunch.
By the time class let out at 11:15, I’d completely given up on trying to calm myself. It was easy for the first little while to forget about Kayden and his promise of coming back for me, but the more time that went by, the harder it was to ignore. I started sweating first and then my heart started racing and no amount of movement or other coping mechanisms seemed to help.
When Ms. Taylor said that we could go, I took my sweet time. If he was outside the door waiting for me then I was gonna make him wait as long as possible, even if it got him in trouble. As it turns out, the time I wasted didn’t seem to matter because he didn’t show anyway.
I don’t know why it bothers me that he’s not here. I guess I hoped that the look of determination I saw in his eyes this morning was true and he would be different in some way. That he wouldn’t be the same Kayden I’ve known him to be for the last eight years. He would be better somehow.
With a quick glance down at my watch, a pink Hello Kitty one Tristan picked out for me, I realize that I’ve wasted twenty minutes of an hour long lunch waiting for him to show up. I’d be lucky now if I even had enough time to inhale my food before having to go to my afternoon classes.
“It’s okay Ms. Taylor; I sort of figured he wouldn’t anyway.”
“If you want
, you can come to the lounge with me and have your lunch. It’s just me and a bunch of stuffy teachers, but at least you’d have some quiet.”
It’s not the first time I’ve done what she’s offering me. Wh
en things become too much, certain teachers will offer up their small sanctuary in order for me to get control of myself. At least they do unless I’m too far gone and they have to call my mom to come get me. As tempting as it is to take her up on it now, I won’t. I told her the truth a minute ago. I expected this, so I’m more than okay dealing with it on my own.
“Tha
nks, but I’ll just go eat at my locker.”
“If that’s what you want, dear.
” She answers, again the pity written all over her face as she looks me over. “But if you have any issues, you know where to come.”
Little does sh
e realize, that’s all I am, one big ball of complicated issues.
I’ve almost made it down the stairs and to my locker without being made fun of when it hits me. The way t
hings were earlier isn’t happening now. There are students spread out all over the place, but none of them were even looking in my general direction, much less at me. Was it really going to be that easy? Have they moved on already?
It wasn’t until I turned the corner to where my locker is that I see the reason why things have been so quiet. On the stretch of lockers directly across from my own
, I see Tim, Dillon and Kayden and they’re surrounding someone I know. In fact it’s someone that was in class with me only a few minutes ago.
Eric Carmen is new to Wexfield
. He has Asperger’s, which is how he ended up in Ms. Taylor’s class. We’re the same, yet different. He’s a year younger than me, but with the way the class works, we’re there for the same help so we all go through it together, regardless of our age.
He’s completely pressed up against the locker
s and there’s a frightened look in his wide eyes that I recognize instantly. It’s the same look I was wearing when this all happened to me.
Keeping my head down, I make my way to my locker as quietly as possible, not wanting to alert them any sooner to my presence. Swirling the numbers
on my lock around, I tune everything else out and focus on the voices, their venom all directed at the only other person in the school that actually understood what it was like to be me.
“What’s with the stutter, Eric?
D-D-D-Do we scare you?” Kayden mocks before laughing. “Are you gonna be like your girlfriend and piss your pants?”
The second
the words come out, my entire chest seizes up and I find it hard to breathe. Of all the people to say that, I really didn’t expect it to be him. Tim and Dillon yes, but with the way he’d been with me this morning, I thought Kayden would’ve been different. Guess he hasn’t changed after all.
“Y-Y-You shouldn’t t-t-talk about Isa-belle that way.” Eric stutters, which makes my heart break. Even with these th
ree surrounding him, breathing down his neck, he’s still trying to stick up for me.
Eric’s better than me. I couldn’t even open my mouth, let alone do what he did.
“Look at this guy Kay; he’s got some balls talking back to us!” Dillon says and my blood runs cold. I know what’s going to happen now. It’s the same thing that always happens when someone stands up to them, but can’t follow up. Eric’s gonna pay for it. “You know what that means, don’t ya Eric?”
The smooth way he asks the question gets to me. I can’t let this happen, not to Eric. I might
only end up making things worse, but I have to do something. Someone has to stand up to them. I didn’t do it yesterday because I’d been scared, but hearing the way they’re all going at him and laughing at his stutter, I’m not scared.
I’m just angry.
“STOP!” I scream, surprising myself with the forceful sound of the word.
All three guys turn ar
ound, their eyes locking on me, Dillon smirking the minute he sees me.
“Awe, the retard c
an speak after all.” He laughs as he shifts his elbow into Kayden’s side. “Why didn’t you tell me she could yell? I could definitely get used to hearing her scream my name if it sounds like that.”
There’s a moment while we’re all standing there, none of us moving or even looking away from each other, where I see what looks like a flash of rage pass through Kayden’s eyes. Just as quickly as it appears though, it’s gone and
I start to think I imagined it. There’s no way this guy that had been so nice this morning, actually gave a crap about me now. I’m just a retard to him, same as I’ve always been.
“Come on man, this is about Eric, not her.” Kayden replies, turning his back on me and focusing again on the scared boy that’s still frozen up against the lockers.
Not sure where it comes from, but not willing to stop and let whatever they’re about to do happen, I start walking toward them, pushing myself in between Tim and Kayden until I’m standing directly in front of Eric.
“Let’s go.” I say, my voice coming out in a whisper. I hold out my hand to him, kind of like Kayden had done with me the day before and I prepare myself for the fight that’s about to happen once I feel him take it.
“What do you think you’re doing retard? You’re not going anywhere with him. He’s ours.”
I want so badly to tell him what an as
shole he is, but the words won’t come. Whatever surge of strength I had to get me to this point is gone and I’m back to being the mute they all believe me to be. It doesn’t change the fact that I can still move though, so I push my body forward. Before I can get around Dillon, he steps in front of me. With as big a guy as he is, I know there’s no sense trying to get around him. He’s like a brick wall.
“Please let us go.” Eric pleads. He’s scared of saying something to make it worse and I d
on’t blame him. Dillon has always been a hot head and there’s no telling what he’ll do if we try anything he doesn’t want us to.
When his words seem to have no effect, I turn and look at Kayden. I know it’s a long shot, but he was nice to me once. If we want to get out of here without having a repeat of yesterday, he is literally my only hope. Problem is, the minute my eyes lock on his, h
e doesn’t make a move to help. He just smiles and it’s not the way he did in the car with me. It’s worse.
“Get out of here, Belle. Dillon’s righ
t, this is between us and Eric. No one wants to get pissed on today.”
Eric’s hand slides out of mine and as I turn back to him, I see sadness in his eyes. He feels bad for me. He knows how it makes me feel and by releasing me, he’s giving me an out. Before I can force the words up to stop them, Tim rushes at Eric and grabs him, throwing him over his shoulder so fast, I almost don’t catch it. By the time I blink, they’re all running off down the hall away from me.
It’s watching them running away from me; becoming small shadows in the hall the farther away they go that I realize it. I’m really as helpless and pathetic as they all think I am and now one of the only people in the school that has ever been nice to me is paying for it.
Kayden
I am the world’s biggest chump.
When Dillon said he would leave her alone if I chose someone else in her place, I didn’t even hesitate, I took the bait. As long as she was protected from them, from me, it was the right call. Except, it wasn’t the right call and now I’m being forced to watch as this Eric kid is repeatedly slammed into the stall door because he doesn’t have what Tim and Dillon want.
What went down a couple of minutes ago is why they’re so angry. Dillon didn’t like that she screamed at him to stop,
especially when he spends all his time referring to her as the deaf mute, but it’s not as if I’ve done anything to stop him. In fact, with everything that just happened, I only made it worse.
I saw the look in her eyes when she wanted to get Eric out of there. She really thought that tur
ning to me would give them the out they deserved. Even after everything I’ve said about her over the years and how I left things when we were kids, she still thinks I’m better than I am.
This happening to Eric, I hate it. I know who he is and what he means to her. He’s
the only kid here that gives her the time of day. They’re in the same class and I can tell by the way she is with him that he’s earned her trust. I want to stand up and say something right now, but these guys won’t listen to me. Even if they did and by some bit of luck they let the guy go, they would only turn it back around on her the next day. It’s how we work.
Bailing on her was such a dick move
, but necessary if I want to keep her safe. I’m still not exactly sure why I’m going out of my way for this girl; I just know I can’t let her go through what she did yesterday. She deserves better than that. Hell, we all do. I know she told me earlier she didn’t want me to come back for her, so she probably didn’t even care that I hadn’t shown up, but it still didn’t help me feel like any less of an ass.
I’m really
no better than my brother, my mother and even my dead beat father. None of us could ever keep our word. I suppose it’s the Walker family trait. It’s not exactly the one thing I’m looking forward to being known for, but it’s the way it has to be.
“The deal was
, I’d leave your little girlfriend alone if you picked the next target and got involved. Seems to me that Tim and I are doing all the work. What’s up with that, K?”
I absolutely loathe when people call me K. The last person that did it got their face smashed into a locker. It’s irrational I know, but my mom used to call me that and ever since she split, it’s been a sore thing for me. I already want to p
ound the shit out of Dillon; calling me K is just making me homicidal.
“I’m letting you guys have your fun first, and don’t cal
l me, K.”
It’s already too late wh
en I realize I didn’t refute the girlfriend comment. Sometimes being a hot head can be a real pain in the ass. Just like expected, Dillon catches what I didn’t.
“Not even gonna try to deny the other stuff huh?”
“Watch it man, spending so much time around that girl, he’s probably all hormonal and shit.” Tim jokes, making me want to beat the hell out of them and bail on this whole thing.
Except, I don’t. I never do.
“I picked him, didn’t I? So do whatever you’re gonna do so we can get on with this. It’s boring.”
“I gotta admit, it was kinda
fun hearing her yell at us over this guy. Maybe she likes him. Looks like you got some competition Kayden.”
I catch the way he says my name dif
ferently and I can’t help smiling. He might be the big man here, but he knew his place against me. I guess yesterday taught him something after all.
“He’s as much of a loser as she is. Figure they’re a match made in heaven.”
Even I have a hard time stomaching the way the words come out. I have no problem accepting that I’m a total jerk, trust me, I’ve earned it over the last eight years or so, but the words now, they feel so wrong.
Tim turns to Eric and he’s got this sick looking grin on h
is face. I know what’s coming. It’s something I’ve done before. Putting fear into people isn’t enough for us. It’s like going physical, we’re getting the complete rush of it all and I flinch and turn as Tim’s fist lands square in Eric’s gut. Yeah, this really doesn’t do a damn thing for me anymore.
I find myself wanting to find Isabelle. The way it felt yesterday in the car, before I had to go and turn it all to s
hit was nice. She’s not the only one that doesn’t smile. I mean, when you don’t have a reason to do it; it’s not that shocking when it doesn’t happen, but with her it did, more than once. Hell, the girl even managed to make me laugh.
Right now I want nothing more than to laugh again because I can’t take watching Eric’s face as he crumples to the f
loor like a wet rag. The sound coming from him reminds me of the way Isabelle sounded yesterday before I got her out. It’s another reminder of how wrong this is.
They’re all just wounded animals and we’re here putting them out of their misery.
“Let’s get out of here. Amy’s been talking about some surprise she has for me and well, we all know about Amy and her surprises.”
The way Dillon talks about his girlfriend is revolting, but it’s not something I haven’t heard a million times before. Shit, the girl used to be mine before she was his and I wasn’t any better. Though to my credit, I wasn’t vulgar around her. I was just disconnected.
I have to keep up with what Dillon wants from me. It’s the only way I can make sure she stays safe. I can’t walk into another situation with her like I did yesterday; I don’t think I have it in me.
That’s when it hits me.
I can’t deny it anymore. What she thinks, what she’s feeling, understanding her, it all matters to me and it’s because of one seemingly simple fact.
I like her.
Belle
Six.
That’s how many times I tried to open my mouth today, trying to let teachers know what I’d been a part of earlier. Six times that I failed at it because the minute my mouth opened, the words wouldn’t form.
This shouldn’t be all that surprising, but it is. This isn’t about my own comfort level anymore. This isn’t about social awkwardness or autism, though I’m pretty sure if I could tal
k to my mom about this, that’s exactly what she would say it is. No, this isn’t about me at all. I need to do the right thing by Eric, even if with the way he’s acting as I pass him in the halls tells me otherwise.
He won’t look at me or at
least he tries not to. He caught my eye in the hall twice and both times, he looked down and shuffled away from me. Maybe he knows that he’s taken my place and he hates me for it. Either way, I don’t like it.
It’s no surprise with the way things keep happening that I think I’m better off dead.
My mom would have an easier time because it would be her and Tristan and he’s normal. She’d be able to get out and enjoy herself more, instead of always worrying about what I need. She wouldn’t have to run to my rescue. Hell, she’d be able to date again and finally move on from my dad. I know she wants that, but her support of me stops her every time.
If I was gone, Eric would still be floating unde
r the radar. They didn’t pick on the special needs kids. It’s only since what happened with me that they’ve started. I could save the world a whole lot of trouble if I just went home, took a bunch of pills and went to sleep forever.
Just as I see the bus rounding the corner, I hear my name being called. Turning fro
m side to side slowly, I see where the voice is coming from and just who it belongs to.
It’s Kayden and he’s jogging toward me. I hate that I have nowhere to run. That I have to stand here and wait for him to reach me because even though the bus is here
and it’s super close, it’s not close enough. I really don’t want anything to do with him, so what he’s doing running toward me makes no sense.
“I need to talk to you…” he says, his voice winded as he finally reaches me.
I shake my head. I don’t need words to let him know just how much I don’t want to talk to him right now. I’m sure I can get my point across loud and clear with the look on my face and the slight movement of my head. Even if I didn’t have troubles speaking, I still wouldn’t want to say a word to him.
“Please?” h
e pleads and there’s this part of me, my heart maybe that seems taken by the way his voice sounds but my mind won’t let me fall for it.
I shake my head again and he lowers his eyes away from mine, hurt by my response. It’s confusing to me. I’ve read books
about guys that act the way Kayden is. He’s like Jekyll and Hyde and I wasn’t a big fan when I read it. I’m definitely not liking the up and down of it in real life.
“Let me drive you home Isabelle,” he states rather than asks, which just bothers me even more. “Please? I’ll take you right there, no stops.”
I want to ask him why he wants to drive me home. What he could possibly have to say to me that he hasn’t already said. I want to ask why he sounds so sad every time he says please, but before I can even make an attempt at it, the bus pulls up and Eric is running up behind us.
Saying yes to Kayden is
easy and I don’t want it to be. I can’t figure out why he gets to me when I know deep inside I’m upset with him. Why do I have to keep seeing him as the boy I used to play with instead of the mean guy he really is?
Eric makes his way around us and up onto the bus without even so much as a look back in my direction
and that’s when I make my decision. I’m pretty sure it’s wrong, but since it’s already like I’ve lost the only friend I ever had, I’ve got nothing left to lose.
I look between him and the door of the bus one final time
before stepping back and motioning at Ronnie, my regular bus driver. I point toward Kayden. He nods his head and I turn, waiting for what comes next.
“You’re going to come with me?”
I nod and the strangest thing happens. He smiles at me and it’s even brighter than the ones he did the day before. It’s like he’s relieved, as his shoulders, which had been sagging only seconds before lift up again. There’s a fluttering in my stomach noticing it and I have no idea what it means. Why does his happiness seem so important to me?
“Thank you.” He says and waits for me to start walking before following closely behind. I stop as soon as we reach his car and before I know it, he’s running into the back of me. I stumble and end up flat across the hood. He reaches out to catch me and again he’s right behind me, but before either one of us can move, we hear the voice
s from the other side of the parking lot.
“Tap it hard, Kayden!”
“I knew she was easy!”
“Make her scream like earlier.”
I didn’t recognize the first two, but Dillon’s came through loud and clear. My heart begins to race and I can feel my head getting fuzzy. I don’t like the sound of his voice, especially when it’s raised the way it is now. People think I’m stupid, but I know exactly what they’re hinting at with their words and it makes me sick inside.
Kayden slides his arms around my stomach and lifts me back off the hood and before I can pull away from him, I feel his breath against the back of my neck.
“Ignore them.”
That’s e
asy for him to say. Tomorrow he’ll have jokes thrown at him, but he won’t have sick things said about the way we just were. That’s all for me. I knew going with him was the wrong move but it’s even worse now. I almost wish he’d never helped me out yesterday.
This time he unlocks the car from my side and makes sure I’m completely in and comfortable before shutting the door behind me. I can’t help thinki
ng its sweet, but the minute I think it, my stomach turns over and I feel sick. I don’t want to think any of this is sweet. He’s still the same guy he was earlier, even if he is taking pity on the special kid.
I’m so lost in my thoughts I don’t even realize he’s in the car with me until he slams his door shut and bangs his hands on the steering wheel.
I startle and realizing his mistake, he sighs.
“I’m sorry. I don’t think.
” He leans over and I catch a glimpse of his bare skin as the shirt he’s wearing rides up. Finding whatever it is he’s looking for, he turns back around. “This time, I want to be prepared.”
Looking at his hands as they’re held out in front of me, I see what he’s talking about. There’s a notebook, complete with what looks like a gel pen attached and though I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know this, it’s my favorite color.
The thought that went into this small gesture gets to me. My hands are shaking under the force of it, as I reach out and accept the olive branch he’s giving me. My fingers graze over his and I jump back from the sharp tingle that climbs up through my hand as I do it.
What is going on with me?
Pushing the reaction out of my head, I slide the pen off, open the book and start writing. When I’m finished I slide it across, careful to keep all contact to a minimum. I don’t know what caused that sensation a minute ago, but it feels weird, so I don’t want to repeat it.