She looked away. “But I let him back in. I let him back in my house, knowing who he was. Trench is not staying there; I wouldn’t let him stay over. And I told him not to come back—not that I haven’t said that before. But I can’t figure out why I even let him in, why I let him touch me, again. He didn’t scare me, Miz Ida. I scared myself.
“And then there’s Todd. God knows that he is a good man. And, Miz Ida, I can’t even tell you that I stay away from him and keep him away from me because I don’t love him. I love Todd. But I don’t understand why, or what is going on in my life. Even when I don’t mean to push him away, I push him away. But, I keep thinking if I don’t get this together soon, I’m going to lose my husband. Todd is going to get tired of waiting for me.”
Michelle looked at Miz Ida. “I sound like an old, whiny stereo don’t I?”
“No, you sound like a woman who has been thinking. You sound like a woman with a lot on her mind.”
“Well, you’re right, Miz Ida. I have been thinking. I been thinking about Todd and Trench. I been thinking about my job. Miz Ida, things have been going so good at my job. Me and that lady, Tonya, that I been telling you about—things have been working out so much better between us.
“She told me that I’ve been helping her be a better person. She’s saved—good and saved Miz Ida—and she’s tell me that I’m helping her. I never had
anybody
ever tell me that.” She laid her hand over her heart and her voice sounded as though she could not believe what she was saying. “I’ve always been somebody’s hurt. I’ve never been anybody’s help before.”
Michelle shook her head. “Then something crazy happened. It was just like in the Bible, Miz Ida.”
Ida listened as Michelle told the story about Mrs. Judson and about her overhearing the conversation in the restaurant.
“She thought we were tricking her. But it couldn’t have been nobody but the Lord. But now she’s mad at us. She is threatening to fire both of us. How can we defend ourselves against something that the Lord did? Now that things seem to be working good, it looks like I might not even have a job. How can God let it be so good on one hand, and so bad on the other?”
Michelle held Miz Ida’s hand and laid her head back on the couch. “But one thing I know for sure is that God is real. Not that I doubted He was real. You know that, Miz Ida. But I could see Him, so strong, working to speak to me this time. When the thing happened with Mrs. Judson, I knew He wasn’t just trying to speak to her, He was speaking to me. All these years, I never had the Lord speak to me that way. It makes me wonder why He wasn’t speaking to me before.”
Ida patted the younger woman’s hand. “He was speaking before, Michelle. Your heart just wasn’t ready to listen. When you were a girl and your mother was lost, God situated you in a building where the three of us could meet. When you were heartbroken and away at school, feeling like you weren’t worth a red cent, God sent Todd into your life. That boy loved you with a supernatural love. Now that he’s a man, he still does. God was in that; you just weren’t ready to see it. Think of all the things He brought you through—abuse, drugs, and prostitution. Baby, just think how many people never make it out of that alive. God was in your getting delivered and coming out; you just couldn’t see it.
“If you really sit back and think about it, God’s been working for you and trying to tell you that He loves you all along. You were just so hurt and brokenhearted you couldn’t accept His love. Most of the time we don’t recognize God because He just doesn’t look like what we expected. I’ll bet when you were a little girl and you were looking for God to send someone to help you, you were looking for a superhero in a cape or a big policeman with a gun. The last thing you probably expected was a little black woman with gray hair in some funny-looking clothes.”
Michelle laughed, “You were dressed funny, Miz Ida, the first time you came to our door.”
“See what I mean? And when you were a young lady, after being used by men and after selling yourself to men, the last thing you expected was for the Lord to send you a man to rescue you.”
Michelle raised her head from the couch. “Miz Ida, I never thought about it that way. But you’re right. I never expected a man to try to help me. I think I’ve always been waiting for Todd to show his true self, to turn around and hurt me and use me like the other men in my life did. I didn’t expect God to send a man to rescue me.”
Miz Ida squeezed Michelle’s hand. “When the Lord came, people didn’t believe it was Him because He didn’t look like what they expected. Nothing has changed. And something else—that woman at your job, is she about your mother’s age?”
A strange expression came over Michelle’s face. “I hadn’t thought of it that way, Miz Ida. I never expected God to send me help from someone who was like a mother, either.”
“And you know, Michelle, something just came to me. God said where two or three gather in His name, He would be there in the midst of it.
11
God talks to us when we’re alone, but He speaks in a different way when we sit or gather with other people. You and that lady Tonya were in that restaurant talking, and one of the things You were doing was lifting up the name of Jesus. When you were in Mrs. Judson’s office, His name got lifted again. It seems like to me that He was in the midst of you, and that He was doing what He promised—opening His arms to draw you near to Him.”
Michelle sat up on the couch. “So what do I do now, Miz Ida? I don’t know how to fix all this. I don’t know if I
can
fix it.”
Miz Ida looked calm. “Well, baby, you know the hotline is always open. God knows us. When we are angry or rebellious, when our hearts are hard, we can’t hear His voice. But He’s always there waiting for us with open arms. If we need wisdom, all we have to do is ask. He’ll teach us just like he taught David. Listen to this.” Miz Ida grabbed her Bible off the table. She adjusted her eyeglasses on her nose. “Let me see, now, I think it’s Psalm Twenty-five. Yes, here it is.” She began to read at verse four.
Show me your ways, O L
ORD
,
teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.
Miz Ida lowered the book. “David was praying the same thing, thousands of years ago that you are praying today. God listened to him then, and He listens to you now. David needed the same thing you need then that you need now—the answer to a life or death question. All he was saying was ‘Lord, help me to tell the good from the bad. I can’t figure it out myself. Make it clear to me when it’s You speaking and moving in my life, Lord. All I can trust and count on is You.’” She handed Michelle the Bible. “You read for a minute.”
Remember, O L
ORD
, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O L
ORD
.
Miz Ida closed her eyes and nodded. “That’s right, Michelle. It’s like David and you were going through the same thing. He was saying ‘Lord, forget about my past all the things I did wrong. But when you think of me, Lord, think about love and mercy—don’t think of what I did wrong, just think of how much you love me.’ And don’t you know that it’s like that with parents? Your children can do wrong, but when you look on them sometimes all you can think about is love.” She tapped Michelle on the shoulder. “Read that other little bit to me, baby.”
Good and upright is the L
ORD
;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.
12
“Isn’t that something, Michelle? It just does something to me to think that thousands of years ago someone prayed the prayer that is still perfect for us today!”
She put her arm around Michelle. “Don’t you worry about a thing, honey. God has done major surgery on your wounded heart. Now He is renewing your mind. You keep praying in your heart. You keep the Lord with you. When you feel like you about to step wrong, you remember that I’m sitting here praying—and no matter what, God is with you.”
Miz Ida smiled, slapped her knee, and then squeezed Michelle’s arm. “If you could feel coming what I feel coming, honey, you would want to get up and dance with me. Girl, get ready, get ready, get ready! You keep watching, you keep believing, and you keep praying. Something good is about to come!”
W
hen Miz Ida answered the phone, it was Michelle. She was laughing to beat the band. She couldn’t stop laughing long enough to say hello. “What is wrong with you, girl?”
“Nothing, Miz Ida. I just had to call and tell you.” Michelle was still laughing. “You know me and Tonya been meeting for lunch, and I told you about that man Shadrach? Well, we took some extra time and went to lunch at the train station today.” Michelle sounded as though she could hardly catch her breath.
What on earth had gotten into the child? Miz Ida couldn’t help smiling. Whatever was going on with Michelle was contagious.
“When we got back, I wanted to call you so bad! But you know I’m trying to cut down on the calls at work. It was all I could do to hold it until I got home. I just have to tell you what happened . . .”
Michelle, Tonya, and Shadrach decided to meet for lunch outside of the building. Sometimes it’s good, Shadrach said, to go somewhere different, and to try a little something new.
The restaurant was inside the old train station. Walking inside the station was like walking into a palace. The ceiling arched way above their heads and was covered with paintings of people, intricate plaster shapes, and gold detailing. Michelle, Shadrach, and Tonya, like all the people, restaurants, and shops around them, were swallowed inside of the structure. The design was so elaborate that they wondered amongst themselves how regular people like them could have dreamed dreams and birthed visions so divine.
They found a restaurant on an upper floor, closer to the ceiling, where they could watch people beneath them come and go. It was good, Shadrach said, to keep changing perspective.
There waiters were dressed in white coats with gold buttons and they wore crisply pleated black pants. The light—soft and diffused—came from antique-looking wall sconces. The wallpaper was an elaborate pattern of what looked to be red velvet and gold.
One of the waiters, a young Hispanic man with his hair combed like Rudolph Valentino, walked by and winked at Michelle. She looked at Shadrach and Tonya. “I think I’ve decided. I’m giving up men.”
Shadrach laughed first. “Shoot, girl, what you talking about?”
“I’m talking about giving up men. You know, I just can’t figure it out—I can’t get the man thing together. So I figured the best way is to just let it alone.”
Shadrach pretended to be offended. “So, the brothers are responsible? The brothers got to suffer?”
Michelle looked across the table. “You know what, I really don’t want to talk about me. I want to talk about this new ’do our girl is sporting.”
Tonya patted her hair. “You like it?”
“Girl, when you walked in today, I barely recognized you. I thought we had a new sister in the office.” She laughed. “When you said change, you meant change. Tonya, girl, with a hairdo like that, you can take your place among the
divalicious
!”
Tonya blushed. “The divalicious? What are the divalicious?” She laughed.
“Yeah, what are—who are—the divalicious?” Shadrach turned in his seat.
“Well, you know nowadays everybody and her mama is a diva. It’s diva this and diva that. The divalicious are the best of the best, the diva of divas. The diva-licious are the most luscious and delicious of divas. You know, the sister with the biggest hats, the biggest hair, the baddest suit—whatever the woman is working, she’s working it to the ‘-est degree’! That makes her diva-
licious
!”
Shadrach shook his head. “I’ve heard it all now. Where did you come up with something like that?”
Michelle laughed. “I told you I was giving up men. A sister has a lot of time on her hands.”
Shadrach leaned closer to the wall. “Please don’t let that word get out anywhere. I’m going to choke you, Michelle, if I hear it again out of anybody’s mouth because I will know where it came from.”
Tonya patted her hair. “So, you really think I’m divalicious?”
Shadrach groaned. “I signed up to be a coach. I didn’t sign up for this.”
Michelle ignored him. “Girl, ain’t no doubt about it. The bun is dead.” Michelle began to sing softly to the tune of “Ding Dong! The Witch Is Dead!”
Hey, yo! The bun is dead.
Which old bun?
Tonya’s bun.
Hey, yo! The killer bun is dead!
Shadrach leaned away from her and stared. “What is into you today, girl?”
Michelle waved him away and smiled at Tonya. “Girl, you got to celebrate when stuff in your life that has been holding you back is now dead. That bun had you in bondage—or
bun-dage
—for years. We got to sing it away so it won’t try to come back!”
She stood up and started lifting and lowering her arms and legs like she was performing in a Broadway play.
Shadrach pulled at the edge of her jacket. “Girl, sit down! People are looking at you like you are crazy! They’re going to kick us out of here.”
Tonya was laughing so hard she started snorting.
Michelle refused to sit down. “These people don’t know me. What do I care what they think? Sometimes, you got to make your own party. My sister is coming out! The girl is divalicious and the bun is dead! If they can’t get with that, if they’re too dried up and dead to join the party, they should have stayed home.”
She waved her arms and started singing again. The waiter passed by; instead of winking, he just lowered his head. Michelle sang louder.
Hey-yo! The bun is dead!
Which old bun?
Tonya’s bun!
Hey-yo! Tonya’s bun is dead!
She grabbed Tonya’s hand. “Come on and sing it with me!”