Authors: Barbara Elsborg
Calum sighed. “You were fourteen. He should have said no.”
Jasper kneaded down the sides of Calum’s spine. “I was very persuasive and I feel the guilt of that even now.”
“He should have said no.” Calum turned to look at him.
“He did. I ignored him. Christ, I don’t know what had got into me that day. Desperation maybe. I unzipped him, took his cock in my mouth and made him mine.”
Calum’s Adam’s apple rose and fell. “He could have stopped you.”
Jasper nodded. “You’re right, but it must have been like a dream come true for him. A fantasy he might have jacked off to but never imagined acting on. Sex with one of his pupils. So did I create a monster? Would he have ever thought of touching Ben if I hadn’t encouraged him to touch me in the first place? See why I feel guilty? The consequences are that I never, ever make the first move on a guy.”
“I don’t remember throwing myself at you.” Calum leaned back so his head rested on Jasper’s shoulder.
“I said you were perfect for me. We collided head-on.” Jasper snuggled tighter to Calum’s back and swept his arms round to hug him. His fingers brushing the scars from the lion attack. It was a reminder of how close Calum had been to death.
He could feel Calum’s heart pounding under his palm, the rapid rise and fall of his chest, the tension in his body. Jasper kissed Calum’s neck and waited.
“I got a fucking erection and I came.” Calum rushed out the words.
Jasper held him close because he understood what Calum had just confessed. The tension evaporated and Calum shrank in his arms.
“I must have wanted it, right?” Calum whispered.
“Of course not. It means nothing that you came.”
“Don’t talk crap.”
Jasper hugged him tighter as Calum tried to move away.
“They got me on my back. One guy sat behind me, his thighs pinning down my arms, holding my legs up while the other guy fucked me and I not only got an erection, I fucking came all over my chest.”
All the tension flooded back and it was like holding a piece of stone. Jasper swallowed hard. “You think that means you must have enjoyed it?”
“I fucking didn’t enjoy it, but other people would think that, wouldn’t they? That’s what they’d have said if I’d reported it.”
“Listen,” Jasper whispered in his ear. “Ejaculation is not the same as orgasm. It’s an involuntary physiological reaction. They wanted you to come because they knew you’d be ashamed and at the same time it lessened their guilt. It doesn’t mean you wanted to be raped or that you enjoyed it. Just because you were aroused does not mean you consented.”
Jasper felt the tension sliding from Calum, but he didn’t loosen his grip.
“I couldn’t tell anyone,” Calum muttered.
“I know.”
“We’re supposed be able to protect ourselves.”
He sounded like a little kid, not a grown man, and Jasper’s heart ached for what had happened to him. “Not against two guys, and it seems to me there’s no right or wrong in keeping quiet. I get why you said nothing, why a lot of rape victims keep quiet. Talking about it somehow makes you the victim you tried not to be. You can’t know how family and friends will react, or the police, or what the bloody bastard rapists would claim. But one thing’s certain, you have to stop thinking that in some way you wanted it, or you’ll never get over what happened.”
Calum dragged Jasper’s arm up to his mouth. “I didn’t even freak out,” he mumbled into his wrist.
“Because most guys wouldn’t. I bet you were calm and composed afterward, maybe a bit subdued. It’s the way men cope, but you’ve buried the issue in shifting sands. You’re still struggling.”
“How come you know so much?”
“I read the back of cereal packets.”
Calum sighed. “I want you to top me, I’m just worried I’ll freak out or…”
“Or what?”
“Not get hard,” Calum blurted.
Jasper kissed his neck. “You don’t think I wouldn’t understand?”
“It’s not you I’m worried about. I did try once to let someone top me. My head filled with flashes of what happened before, what they did and said, and my cock stayed limp. I swore I’d never let myself feel that helpless again and now I’m frightened how I’ll react with you because I don’t want—”
“It’s okay,” Jasper whispered. He pulled Calum back so he lay flat on the bed and then settled next to him. “I can wait.”
“But—”
Jasper put his finger over Calum’s lips. “When it’s right. I would never push this. I will never hurt you.”
“Hold me,” Calum whispered.
“Always.”
That was the sound of my heart breaking.
Calum woke with a jolt, for a moment disorientated. When he realized he was alone in the bed, his heart thumped.
Is it over already? Fuck, I shouldn’t have told him.
He turned and his cheek landed on a piece of paper.
You looked so peaceful, I thought I’d let you sleep. Breakfast downstairs when you’re ready.
Calum exhaled. He levered himself out of bed, stretched and took in what he’d been too distracted to notice last night. Jasper’s bedroom was…stark. Light wood furniture, light brown carpet, cream drapes. But the bronze of the pair of them sat on the top of a chest of drawers on an eye line with the bed. Calum’s bag lay in the corner, the clothes he’d discarded last night, neatly piled on top. Calum thought of the clutter in his bedroom and gulped.
The bathroom was tiled floor to ceiling, the showerhead above a place where the floor dipped, a circular drain in the center. The towels hung in a regimented line on a sail-shaped set of chrome rails. It was hard to believe anyone had ever used the room.
A hot shower revived Calum’s spirits and he pulled on boxers and jeans before he went barefoot down the stairs. More pale paint on the walls, the same carpet everywhere. He heard Jasper hiss “Shit” and pushed open a door at the end of the hall to find him crouched down in the kitchen. Calum smiled. Here was the mess, pans and packets all over the counters, egg all over the floor.
“Morning,” Calum said.
Jasper stood and growled. “You look good enough to eat. And that’s just as well because I’m not sure breakfast will be edible.” He pulled Calum into his arms and kissed him. “Yep, definitely good enough to eat.”
Calum laughed and pulled away. “What are you trying to do here?”
Jasper sighed. “I nipped out to buy the sort of things you served on the ranch. I thought I’d better have a practice first. The results are in the bin.”
“What were you trying to cook?”
“Toast.”
Calum laughed.
“Eggs, bacon, pancakes. Who knew it was so hard to crack an egg without breaking the yoke?”
“Want me to do it?” Calum asked.
“You can cook?”
“I can do breakfast.”
Jasper stepped aside. “Be my guest. I’ll clean up the mess.”
Calum kind of liked that Jasper wasn’t perfect, though it did occur to him that this might have been deliberate. When he caught sight of the burned eggs in the trash can, he changed his mind.
“Is there anything you’re desperate to do today?” Jasper asked.
“Nothing I’m desperate to do.”
Except fuck you.
“Good.” Jasper came up behind him.
Calum shivered when Jasper’s hands slid over his chest. The feel of Jasper’s breath hitting his neck made his cock stir.
“Oh God, I can’t believe you’re here,” Jasper whispered. “I think that had to be the best surprise of my life.”
Calum chuckled. “Set two places and get me a couple of plates.”
“Yes, chef.”
Jasper chattered away as Calum cooked and he sensed Jasper’s anxiety, as if he was afraid to leave a gap in the conversation.
Christ, is this going to sit between us like a sheet of toughened glass?
Maybe he’d be better to drag Jasper upstairs and tell him to go ahead and fuck him.
Calum put the food on the table and Jasper groaned as he stared at the plate. “Oh God, it looks delicious. I can’t tell you how excited I am. Well, I probably don’t need to. I haven’t shut up, have I? I want to take you everywhere and show you everything. London is a fantastic city—well, if you ignore the traffic and crowds. But not just London, the UK’s stunning too. Admittedly not the open plains—oh shut up, Jasper.”
Maybe it wasn’t anxiety, just excitement, and it was infectious.
By the time they were dressed and ready to leave the house, Calum was buzzing too. Jasper had told him to put on the oldest things he’d brought, which wasn’t a problem, but Calum couldn’t help laughing at Jasper’s version of old.
“You look as though you’re going to dine with the Queen,” Calum said.
“Hey, I’ve left off my tie.”
Calum sniggered.
“Bring your coat. We’ll be doing this outside.”
Jasper carried a bag out to the car and put it in the trunk.
“Where are we going?” Calum asked.
“Surprise.”
Two hours later, after they’d passed through a village called Camber, they paid to park in a small lot, and Jasper led Calum up a sandy track. As they reached the top, Calum’s jaw dropped. Ahead stretched a line of undulating dunes, followed by an expanse of flat sand and then water.
The sea.
“Christ,” Calum whispered.
He took a deep breath. The air smelled different—fresh, untainted, salty. A cloud hid the sun and the color of the sea changed from dark blue to dull gray. Calum looked up. Not the wide blue skies of Wyoming, but there was a lot of blue up there.
Jasper slung his arm over Calum’s shoulder. He didn’t say anything and Calum was glad. He wanted to drink this in—the water, the sand, the wind. It calmed him somehow. How could he worry about things when there was a vastness like this to drown his concerns?
“Thank you,” Calum whispered.
“Have you seen the sea before?”
“Not for real. Are we going to swim?”
“You can. I’ve got more sense. It’ll be freezing.” Jasper glanced at his watch. “We should have time to get to the surf. Come on.”
He ran down the sand dunes and Calum whooped and followed. Once the sand turned hard underfoot, the going was easier and he ran alongside Jasper until they reached the water. Jasper was breathing heavily.
“You okay?” Calum asked. “Don’t tell me you forgot your inhaler.”
“In my pocket. I’m fine.”
Calum jumped back as a wave rushed toward his feet. He turned to Jasper. “I really want to go in.”
“Christ, in October? It’s freezing. It’s freezing in July as well, for that matter.”
Calum moved back to where the sea couldn’t reach and took off his coat.
“Oh fuck.” Jasper groaned.
Calum shivered as he pulled off his shirt. The wind bit just as hard as in Wyoming. He wrapped all his clothes and his shoes in his coat and beamed as Jasper grumbled at his side and did the same. They stood there shivering in their boxers, Jasper’s teeth chattering.
“We going to go in naked?” Calum asked.
“We’d get arrested. Not that there’d be anything to see. My cock has shrunk to the size of a peapod and my balls have retreated to the back of my kidneys.”
“Come on, then.”
“After you. I only need to delay two seconds and you’ll be running back out screaming.”
Calum held out his hand.
“Bugger,” Jasper said and took it.
Jasper had been wrong about the two seconds, Calum thought. One just about did it.
Fuck, it’s cold.
But once he’d started, he wasn’t going to give up. He dragged Jasper through the waves, both of them yelping as the water got deeper until they stood up to their waists.
“Oh God, I’ve lost the feeling in my toes,” Jasper moaned.
“My cock’s whimpering.”
“Let’s get out.”
“Not until we’ve swum.”
“Oh Christ.” Jasper threw himself forward into the waves and emerged swearing. “Jesus fucking Christ, it’s freezing.” He swam a little way and then turned to look at Calum who hadn’t moved. The marks the mountain lion had made on his upper chest looked white in the cold. “Get in here.”
“It’s too cold. I’m getting out,” Calum said.
Jasper stood up and Calum gulped. Water glistened on Jasper’s chest, his nipples tight peaks. He looked frozen.
“Get in here,” Jasper called.
“Don’t think so.”
Jasper growled when Calum waded as fast as he could toward the beach and he raced after him, roaring. He caught Calum by his knees and brought him down in the surf. Calum came up spitting water.
“Now fucking swim, you little shit,” Jasper barked.
Ten strokes before Calum gave in. More than Jasper thought he’d manage. They bounded out of the water, laughing, and shook themselves like dogs.
Several people were heading onto the beach with a trailer, so Jasper put on Calum’s coat to slip out of his wet boxers and pull on his jeans. By the time they were dressed, Calum’s lips were blue. Jasper wanted to kiss him and warm him up, but with others around, he wasn’t sure how Calum would feel about that.