The next few days fell into a dismal pattern. In between caring for
Vina
, Lily made herself useful by fetching water and helping prepare meals. Her body moved, yet her thoughts remained fixed on her daughter, who, in spite of Crag’s careful ministering of herbs, showed no signs of improvement.
One afternoon, Lily stood by the well, a bucket full of water beside her, and stared up at the cloudy winter sky. What had happened to her life? It seemed like so long ago that she’d lived in a prospering village with a husband she cared for and a healthy child. Hers had been an arranged marriage. She and her husband had grown up together and had gotten along well. He was a decent man who paid attention to her and
Vina
. Lily missed his laughter and his kindness. She missed sharing meals with him and walking in the field behind the home he’d built. Though she had never experienced that weak-kneed attraction so many women described feeling for their lovers, Lily had liked her husband. And he’d liked her.
Her thoughts were interrupted as Crag stopped by the well to fill one of his own buckets. Outside of the dim longhouse, he looked even paler. His eyes were shadowed beneath, and part of his lower lip was still swollen from the whack he’d taken several days before. For the first time, Lily realized how tired he looked. She scarcely saw him sleep, and knew he had little time to eat. It seemed as soon as he picked up a bit of food, someone called for him, either a villager or one of the Knights. Not that everyone didn’t work hard. The healthiest people were still rebuilding the destroyed houses and barns, and the Knights hunted and trained diligently to prepare for any future attacks. Sir Wood made his rounds along with Crag, but he also traveled between the settlements of
Tanek
and was able to leave the longhouse for several hours a day. Crag seemed tied to it.
“Why have you chosen to become a Knight?” Lily asked.
His blue eyes turned to her, surprised. For a moment, she thought what a lovely shape and color his eyes were. If he cleaned up and got some sun, he’d be rather attractive. His lips twisted in a sarcastic smile. “Glamorous life, isn’t it?”
“It seemed that way.”
He looked down at his bucket. “It’s the uniforms.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Is that all?”
“No. Just my attempt at a bad joke.”
They stepped aside as others approached the well.
“You don’t have to answer,” she said. “It’s really none of my business.”
“Two and a half years ago, I was fighting in a village that was rescued from
Zaltanian
rule by the Ruby Order. I was a warrior, but when I looked at those Knights, I saw men who didn’t fight for any particular land or for profit. They fought for the oppressed. They healed everyone who needed help,
Zaltanians
included. To me, that kind of aid was unheard of. I was sick of killing. I wanted to save lives instead of take them. I wanted people to look at me like they looked at those Knights. Sounds selfish, doesn’t it?”
Lily shrugged. “In a way, but not the part about saving lives. The instinct to lend aid isn’t at all selfish.”
“I was wrong about everything. Since I’ve begun my training, I haven’t escaped killing. I see just as much – more. Except now it’s worse. Now I’m not fighting back. I’m cleaning up. There’s no glory to Knighthood.”
“But you’re saving lives.”
“Am I?” His cool eyes stared into hers. “You see what it’s like here. We need more supplies. We need more help. Rebuilding is too slow and people are piling in too fast.”
“If everything is so hopeless, then why don’t you leave?”
“I don’t know,” he murmured. “I guess because eventually, once I’m Knighted, I’ll request to be placed where I can do the most good.”
“And where is that?”
“In battle.”
“I thought that’s what you were trying to get away from? Haven’t there been enough battles?”
“I’m a good fighter, or at least I was. I haven’t picked up a sword in months. There’s been no time.”
“You’re not a good healer?” She was almost afraid to ask that question, after the conversation she’d overheard between him and Sir Wood several nights ago.
He glanced at her but didn’t reply.
“How bad can you be, if you’re in charge of this place by yourself?”
“Sir Wood—”
“Is not here as much as you are.”
He paused outside the longhouse and asked, “Where is your husband? Fighting?”
“He’s dead.”
Crag nodded. “So you’re alone with… ” He thought for a moment, and this time she let him search for her daughter’s name. “
Vina
?”
“Yes.”
He pushed open the door, and let Lily pass through first. Before she took back
Vina
from Coral, she glanced over her shoulder at Crag. His back was to her, and firelight danced off his gray tunic as he stooped beside a crippled old man. She wondered if he had a family somewhere, a wife and children. What did they think of his leaving them to pursue Knighthood?
Living in
Tanek
, she could understand his frustration and disillusionment. Still, she would have thought a man who aspired to Knighthood would somehow possess more nobility than an average person. Yet Crag was just a man. Still, part of her rebelled against the notion that he had fears and desires like everyone else. Once his service was complete, he was to be a Knight of the Ruby Order. He’d don the black uniform, and people would look up to him. They’d expect him to defend the weak and lend aid where it was required. He would be expected to do all that, a man who “disliked working with babies” and who kicked buckets of water when someone called him to fix their stitches. He’d be summoned to fight, this man who hadn’t picked up a sword in months.
Crag might have been disillusioned, but not nearly as much as Lily was.
After seeing to
Vina
, Lily asked Coral if she needed help baking bread for that evening.
“It would help if you could get more flour from the storage house.” Coral grinned, holding up her hands and forearms coated with bread dough. “I’m a little stuck.”
“Be glad to. Just keep an eye on
Vina
for me.”
As Lily walked way, she realized she had no idea where the storage house was. Since arriving in
Tanek
, she’d rarely left the longhouse except to haul water. She was about to turn back and ask Coral when she noticed Crag standing in the doorway, inhaling fresh air. Suddenly it struck her how much alike they were, both trapped in misery from which death was the only escape.
She approached him, and his gaze instantly fell upon her.
“Where’s the storage house?” she asked. “We need more flour.”
“I’ll help you. Those sacks are heavy.”
“I know you’re busy—“
“I have a moment of peace, and I’ll take any chance I can get for clean air.”
Together they left the longhouse and walked across the frigid ground toward a shed at the end of the settlement.
Crag opened the door, and they stepped inside. Lily glanced at the collection of sacks and barrels, grains and salted meat.
“At least we won’t starve,” she said.
“That’s one good thing,” he muttered. “Flour’s this way.”
While he reached for one of the sacks, she stood on tiptoe to slide a box on a top shelf to a less dangerous position and stumbled into Crag.
He caught her, steadying her against his chest. “Are you all right?”
She nodded, tilting her face up to his. Her breath caught in her throat. It might have been a trick of the light in the dim shed, or perhaps it was spending so many months without the touch of another human being, aside from her infant daughter, but her body tingled when Crag’s gaze held hers.
“I’m fine,” she murmured.
“Are you?”
“What…what do you mean?”
“Are any of us fine in this place?” His dull eyes suddenly looked wild – or desperate. Even that spark of light in their depths rendered them as beautiful as polished sapphires.
She swallowed, knowing she should leave. His fingers gripped her upper arms, not enough to hurt, but enough that she’d have to make a conscious effort to pull away. Would he let her go? Of course he would. Did she want him to? She’d disliked him from the first, but there was no denying the kinship they shared.
“I miss life before the war,” she whispered, tears clogging her throat. She swallowed them. Crying was of no use.
“I don’t know what it’s like not to be at war.” His brow furrowed. “There was always some battle, some skirmish, some…bloodshed. I’ve been fighting since I could hold a sword.”
“I remember what it’s like to live in peace, to walk without fear. I remember what it’s like to wake up and do something because I enjoy it, whether it be a walk in the field or picking flowers. By the Spirit, sometimes I just wish I could escape. I wish I could—“
“Do something for myself.” He released her and paced, his fists clenched. “Have a moment unclouded by other people’s pain and my own anger.”
Without thinking, she grasped his arm. His head snapped toward her. They stood so close she noticed the pulse beating in his throat, saw the fine lines about his eyes and the weary shadows beneath. Still, his eyes shone with a burst of yearning she understood all too well.
He cupped her cheek, and before Lily could stop herself, she stood on tiptoe as he bent and covered her mouth with his. The kiss was tentative at first, but when she didn’t pull away, his tongue slipped between her lips. Hers reached out to meet it, stroking and tasting. Crag took her face in his hands as he explored every moist corner of her mouth. His callused hands stroked her cheeks and forehead with such gentleness Lily felt near tears again. It had been so long since she’d been held and caressed. The only man she’d ever known had been her husband, and while she enjoyed his touches, something in the way Crag stroked and kissed her made her heart catch fire. Her entire body felt weak, yet she slipped her arms around him and clung to him like a sailor clings to a mast during a storm. She needed contact that much.
For a moment, she wondered why he kissed her. Was he just a man desperate for sex, or was he a human being in need of comfort, just like her? Maybe that in itself was a lie. She wanted sex, not just as a form of release, but as a way to rebel against whatever power had sent her life tumbling down the path to hell.
Go on. Take away my happiness,
her mind shrieked.
You can’t crush my desires completely!
Lily closed her eyes, enjoying the softness of his lips and tongue and the roughness of his beard against her skin. She ran her fingertips down his blade-sharp cheekbones. She gripped his shoulders, relishing the hardness of his lean muscles beneath his tunic. Beneath her palms, his chest felt so solid and strong. In spite of his slimness, he was such a tall, big-boned man.
His hands opened against her back and swept down to her buttocks. He cupped the fleshy globes and squeezed gently. Lily moaned when his lips moved to the tender flesh behind her ear. He nipped her lobe and kissed her neck, his beard tickling until she shivered. One of his hands caressed her breasts through her rough woolen gown before he slid it down her shoulders, baring her nipples. The cool air as well as her arousal stirred them to hard peaks. Crag sat on a barrel and tugged her between his knees so his mouth was level with her breasts. Capturing one nipple in his lips, he laved it with his tongue.
“Oh!” Lily mewled, clutching his head close. His fingertips caressed the flesh beneath her breasts while he sucked one nipple, then the other.
Lily’s pulse raced and her breathing grew ragged. Wetness seeped between her legs. Crag tugged up her dress, his large hands roaming over her outer thighs and hips. While one hand grasped her buttocks, his other dipped between her legs, gathering moisture. His wet fingers circled her clit, and that alone sent her over the edge. She gasped and clung to him, her hips thrusting against his rapidly stroking hand.
As she leaned against him, catching her breath, she slid her hands downward, grasping his tunic and yanking it up. She found the waist of his trousers and unknotted his rope belt.
“Lily…” he began then his voice trailed off when she wrapped her hand around his cock. It felt hard and warm. Her finger traced veins and the smooth head. Moisture leaked from the eye, and she smeared it along the underside with one fingertip while her opposite hand grasped his sac and squeezed. He groaned, his arms tightening around her.
Lily touched her lips to his neck, feeling his pulse throb. As she pumped his cock and kneaded his sac, his breathing quickened. She doubled her motions, stretching her thumb to caress his slick cock head as she continued rubbing the shaft. He grew harder and bigger in her palm and he panted.
As she guided his cock to her aching pussy, his hands covered hers. For a moment she thought he might stop, but he grasped her bottom and tugged her onto his lap, burying himself to the hilt inside her.
Lily gasped and clutched his shoulders, raising herself so his cock nearly left her, then dropping back down so he filled her again. She rode him fast and hard, clinging to him, her face buried in his neck.
Another orgasm built inside her, tingling, tightening, until she burst. As she throbbed around his cock, he stood, his hands still clutching her buttocks and holding her close. He walked several steps without ever slipping from her pussy and pressed her to the wall. Keeping his knees bent, he drove into her so rapidly she thought he’d come in an instant. His movements continued, extending her orgasm and pushing her towards another. It was slower in coming, but it wound so tightly she knew when it happened, it would be shattering. She only hoped he could sustain the wicked pace until she reached her climax. He seemed to have no intention of stopping. His mouth covered hers in a probing kiss, his tongue thrusting in time with his hips. Lily gasped, running her fingers through the sweaty hair at his temples. His body felt so hot, but so did her own.