Crash and Burn (Daddy's Girls 0.5) (2 page)

Whew, it’s over, the semester from hell now behind me. My grades aren’t what they should be, but I passed. Do grades really matter anymore? No one is left to care.

My parents are gone. The car accident happened seven months ago. My professors, taking pity on me, allowed me to take my exams late and from home. My grades were enough to get me by during the blur of events. Getting by is all I’ve managed to do in everything.

After the joint memorial service, my summer was spent selling businesses, meetings with my attorney, and adjusting to life alone; while trying desperately to cling to what once was. I wanted time to stop. No, that’s a lie, I wanted time to rewind. I wanted to stop my parents from going to that last car show. Another trophy was won, all while two lives were lost. It wasn’t their fault the truck driver was drunk and got behind the wheel of his vehicle. They were doing what they loved. Now, I’m left behind, alone. If they would’ve skipped this one, they would still be with me.

For days, weeks really, I called my mom’s phone just to hear her voicemail message. I slept in my dad’s t-shirts for the longest time. At first they kept the nightmares at bay, but not anymore. Day by day, the pain from my loss becomes greater. There is no light coming through the window; darkness engulfs me. The loss is too deep to see any way out. I don’t need the pain to go away; I need my parents.

Yes, I’m an adult by legal standards, but, at nineteen, I still need guidance. I’m a sophomore in college. I spent last year with not a care in the world. This year, I have no direction and no one to help me tunnel through the challenges of adulthood. I share an apartment with my best friend, Maggie. She’s a constant reminder of what I’ve lost, even though she doesn’t mean to be.

Maggie has been my best friend since we met in high school. Our parents became friends and now they are the closest thing to family I have left. My grandparents died when I was younger, and my aunts and uncles were never close with my parents. Maggie and the entire Lawson family have been amazing in helping me navigate the many facets of estate inheritance. I don’t know what I would do without them. They are a painful reminder of my own parents, but there is no way I could’ve done any of this without their support. I wouldn’t have returned to Charlotte and gone back to school if it wasn’t for their encouragement. I have enough money for my lifetime. If I budget and don’t frivolously spend, I don’t need to work or have an education. The settlement from the drunk drivers company took care of that. Alas, the Lawson’s begged me to follow through with my goals, as if my parents were still here. They are watching over me still, so they say, and would want to see me succeed.

Well, mom and dad, I survived my first full semester without you. I’m drowning in my despair, and there is no desire within me to reach for a life preserver.

Of course, every college student here is celebrating the end of another semester; Maggie included. She recently started dating someone, but they aren’t exclusive. He seems nice enough. I’m happy for her. It’s sad, but, really, I’m happy she’s out of my hair. Tonight, she’s staying at his place for a party. Here I am in our apartment, snuggled into our couch; silent reflection is on my evening agenda.

Maggie means well, but I have no desire to go out and have a good time. How can I have a good time? My parents can’t have a good time anymore. How can I find reasons to smile? There are no more smiles left for my mom and dad. How can I move on? They can’t move on. Unless you have faced a loss like mine, you can’t tell me how to pick up the pieces of my life. How is someone supposed to pick up the pieces in their life, when the two people who created that life are gone? There are no pieces of my life without my parents. They made me. They loved me. They raised me. They are me. How do I go on without that?

My phone rings bringing me out of my reverie. Looking at the caller ID, I shrug. Get your shit together Dina, if you don’t answer in the right tone, Harrison will see right through you.

“Hello.” I answer, with a strong but failed attempt at chipper.

“Hey, Dina, how’s it going baby girl?”

“Good, Harrison. Today was the last day of finals. How are you?” I reply trying not to sound so desolate.

“Things have been busy. Sorry I haven’t called much this week. They have us on the work up for the next deployment.”

“It’s okay. Mags and I know you are getting ready to leave. We’ve both been studying, so not much time to think about who has or hasn’t called.” I lied. There may not have been thoughts about who has or hasn’t called, but there has been plenty of time for me to drown in my sorrows. And I have noticed. Harrison may be Maggie’s big brother in blood, but he’s my big brother in heart. His calls are the only thing that snaps me out of my absence in life.

“You okay, D? You sound worse tonight then you have in a while.”

“I’m getting by. Trying to learn how to cope.” I answer in all honesty. I’d like to learn to function without the ever present sense of loneliness covering me.

“Seriously, Dina, you have to get out some. Life goes on, even when we don’t want it to. Being depressed is understandable, but hiding in your apartment isn’t going to bring your parents back. I love you, Dina, like my sister. The hand you’ve been dealt sucks, but it is what it is, baby girl. This isn’t what your parents would want for you.”

I sigh, the tears prickling behind my eyes. “I know, Harrison. You’re right. I don’t know how to go on though.”

“Baby steps, one day at a time. We are all worried about you Dina. While I’m in the sandbox, you gotta be strong. I can’t be worried about you, I have to focus. I can’t call much, as you know, but email me every day Dina. Every single fucking day, I need to know you are getting by. I’ll respond as often as I can. I gotta go muster for formation. Love you and talk soon okay.”

With that, I give a quick goodbye and let his words sink in. Life goes on even when we don’t want it to.

Maggie and I went home to the coast, for the holidays. First, we went through the sendoff for Harrison. He’s an active duty Marine and currently deployed for the fourth time. I hope what people say is true. If my parents are watching over me, they know I can’t lose Harrison too. They will keep him safe if they can.

Christmas without my parents sucked. Maggie wanted to be back in Charlotte to ring in the New Year with Alex, her current boy toy; so we came back to Charlotte. I don’t care where we are, the holidays will never be the same for me again. Maggie walks in the living room, distracting me from my holiday thoughts.

“You’re sure you don’t want to come? Callen offered to let you sleep in his bed; you could drink without worrying over a ride home.”

“No thanks Mags. I don’t know Callen, I wouldn’t be comfortable. That was sweet of him to offer though,” I reply.

“Well, if you would come out tonight, you can meet him. He’s Alex’s roommate and he’s hot. It would be fun and a change of pace for you,” Maggie says in a pleading tone.

“Always the match maker, you are. I doubt very seriously Callen would find me much fun. Go have a good time Mags. I love you to pieces. Now, go see your man and start your New Year right.” I say, not wanting to think of dating; not wanting to think of doing anything really.

Maggie leaves and I’m back to my quiet solitude. We live on a third floor apartment. Feeling suddenly trapped in my confines, I step out onto our balcony.

It’s a starry night, as I look out to the twinkly sky. Fireworks are on display off in the distance. It’s almost time to ring in the New Year.
A time for new beginnings
, my mom would always say. Oh, momma, how do I start a New Year without you? I sigh.

When I first moved to Charlotte for college, momma said.
“Dina, if you get lonely look up to the sky. Study the clouds, study the stars and know no matter the distance I’m looking at the same sky as you. I see the same clouds, the same stars, and I’m thinking of you. We are together, connected always.”

Well, momma, I’m lonely. I’m looking at the stars. Can you see the same stars, momma? Are you really watching over me? People always say this, but is it true? Are you still always with me? Is the connection the same, even with you gone? I close my eyes as I allow my tears to fall freely. For the first time since their death, I find consolation.

More fireworks blast in the distance, bringing me out of my state of solace. Looking inside the apartment, I take a glance at the clock, as it announces the arrival of the New Year. The year I begin life without my parents.

January fades into February. I’m going through the motions, physically, but emotionally I feel some better. I’m lost, I’m broken, but I have a will to go on. Harrison was right, life keeps moving, even when we try to stand still. No one calls or comes by anymore, outside of Maggie and her family. My friends didn’t know how to help me. They certainly didn’t know how to deal with me. They are gone now, and that’s okay. People come into your life for a reason. Some for a small moment, some for a season, and those few precious ones come along and stay for a lifetime. Maggie is a precious lifelong friend, this I know. Her family, having always been like my own family, is now all I have left. Maggie’s parents will visit again soon. Harrison emails when he can, and I stay true to my commitment, emailing him daily. Cory, Maggie’s other brother, is busy with his life in Raleigh but he does check in from time to time.

Funny, I’m beginning to feel ready to go out. Maggie seems to have given up on me though. She’s no longer pestering me to meet this Callen person, or inviting me out for much of anything. Although I’m ready to go out, the lack of pressure from her is a welcomed reprieve.