Exhausted, Cree lay back against her pillows and turned away from him as she spoke, “I’ve been doing that since the day we met. I need to learn to stand on my own two feet.”
“You don’t have to do this on your own. I’m
here
.”
Desperation was evident in her voice. “Cameron, I
need
to do this on my own. Even before all of this…I was feeling lost. I need to find out who I am. I’m numb and empty on the inside. I need to find my own strength.” She exhaled as she whispered, “And, for the record, I don’t blame you for anything. None of this is your fault.”
He didn’t believe her for a second. Otherwise, why would she push him away? Frustrated that she was closing herself off to him, Cameron knew he needed to think of something quick. His mind just wasn’t working fast enough, he started to speak. “Cree…”
Cameron was interrupted when Dr. Levinson came into the room. “Mrs. Jacobs?” She smiled warmly. “I bet you’re ready to get out of here?”
The tension in the air was thick. She looked between Cree and Cameron. “Is everything okay? Should I come back later?”
Cree shook her head no. “I’m ready.”
She turned to Cameron. “Dr. Jacobs, I’ll need to examine your wife privately. Can you please step out for a few minutes?”
Her timing couldn’t have been worse. He wanted to tell her no. Instead, he pressed his lips together in a firm line as if thinking it over. He answered, “I’ll go find your grandfather.”
*****
Cameron was drowning. He hoped and prayed Mr. Watson could help him convince Cree that she was making a mistake and that she belonged with him. She had to know they needed to work through this together.
He found him sitting in the waiting room. His head was thrown back, and his eyes were covered by his hand. Cameron gently touched his shoulder. “Pa Pa?” He’d fallen to sleep.
He sat up quickly. “Is Cree alright?”
Cameron smiled weakly. “She’s okay at least physically.”
Mr. Watson rolled his neck and shoulders. “I must have fallen to sleep.”
“I could check to see if there’s an extra bed for you to rest for a while.”
“Thanks but I’m fine right here.”
Cameron sat down next to him. “Cree doesn’t want me to come with her.”
The pain was written all over his face. He loved Cameron like a son, and this was going to be one of the toughest challenges they would ever have to face. “She told me.”
“I can’t just let her leave? I don’t know what to do.”
He put his heavy hand on Cameron’s shoulder. “You won’t want to hear this, but you have to give her some space and time to figure things out.”
Words were difficult to form. “I can’t let her go. I just don’t know if I can do that…I love her too much.”
“And, she loves you just as much or more. For now, you’ll have to trust that.”
Cameron leaned forward. He placed his elbows on his knees while rocking back and forth. “So, you’re saying in a matter of hours, I have to let the love of my life walk out of my life?”
“I’m saying, Cree feels she needs some space. I know this is hard for you too. But, son, if you try to hold on too tightly, she’s going to slip through your fingers anyway.”
In the end, Cameron knew Mr. Watson was right. Knowing what he needed to do for Cree, hurt like hell. It felt as if someone had ripped him in two. He’d always been able to get her to see his side of things, but this time Cree wasn’t giving him any choices. None. Cameron didn’t know how to deal with being in this position.
He felt helpless and hated it. But for her sake, Cameron would put her needs before his own and let the woman who’d occupied his every thought since he was in the tenth grade go for now.
Cree had spent the last week holed up in her old bedroom at her grandfather’s with the blinds closed. The room fit her mood. It was dark until someone opened the blinds or turned on a light. She preferred the darkness.
She lay in bed wrapped in her mother’s old green and yellow comforter staring up at the ceiling. Her mother loved that blanket. She wished she was here to tell her everything was going to be okay. Cancer sucked. Right now so did life.
Cree squinted in the darkness as she focused on a water spot that had seeped through from a leak in the roof.
Thinking about nothing.
It was better that way. To think about anything would usher in too many painful emotions about everything. Exhausted couldn’t even begin to describe how she was feeling.
She didn’t want to close her eyes for fear of what she might see. She didn’t want to open them either for fear of what stood in front of her. It was like an endless road that went on for miles with nothing on either side of her and nothing in front of her. Cree didn’t know where she was going or what she was doing. Instead, she sat and gazed out into nothingness hoping her mind would remain blank.
Her eyes adjusted to the darkness, and as she slowly looked around the room it was like a time warp back to her teen years. A time when life was simple, and the possibilities seemed endless. There were posters of all her favorite designers and models on the walls with a smattering of her favorite groups sprinkled throughout. Back then, she’d thought maybe she’d be a fashion designer. But, that was a long time ago.
Since she’d been home, Cree had barely gotten out of bed to take a shower or eat. Her clothes were starting to fit a little more loosely than before. She didn’t care. Her hair was a mess too. It was all over the place. Cree just didn’t have the energy to braid it up. She blinked…once…twice…three times until three quick taps on her door caught her attention.
When it opened light shown through from behind the door and hurt her eyes. Cree put her hands up to try and block it out.
A familiar voice spoke. “Your grandfather told me you were in here.” It was Melody.
Cree’s voice was dead. “I’m not up for company.” She hadn’t seen or talked to Melody since she and David dropped her and her grandfather off at home two weeks ago.
Melody ignored her and went over to the window. Not only did she open the blinds that let in even more sunlight, but she opened the windows too. It was way too stuffy in the room. “Yeah, I heard. Lucky for you, I’m not company. Let’s get some fresh air and sunlight circulating in here.”
Cree squeezed her eyes shut. “Agh! Melody that hurts.” She attempted to pull the covers over her head.
“Only for a little while until your eyes adjust. Now, come on. Let’s get you up, showered and dressed.”
“I don’t feel like going anywhere. I’m not ready.”
Melody looked at Cree and could barely recognize her. Her hair was smashed to her head, she had deep, dark circles underneath her eyes, and she’d lost a considerable amount of weight. Melody could tell by how small her face had become.
“You’ll never be ready if you don’t get up and face the world. If no one else has the guts to do it, I’m done allowing you to give in to despair!”
Cree screamed at her. “Get out of my room Melody! You don’t get to tell me when or how to get over my grief! A piece of your soul wasn’t taken away from you.”
It was time for some tough love, Melody put her hands on her hips. “You’re right. I wasn’t violated the way you were. But, you’re letting that bastard win by wasting away in this room. That ends today, Cree. Now…get your ass up and get in the shower! You can do it on your own, or I’ll throw you in there. The choice is yours.”
Cree could tell by the firm set of Melody’s mouth that she was serious. After a few moments of a silent stare down, Cree finally threw the covers off of her body and got out of her bed.
Melody was alarmed at what she saw. Cree’s sleeper bottoms were barely staying up on her. It was painfully obvious; she hadn’t been eating.
Cree wrapped her arms around her frail body. “Don’t look at me like that.”
Melody softened her face. “I’m looking at you like I’m worried. We’re all worried about you Cree. You’re stronger than this.” Her voice came out in a strangled whisper as her eyes filled with tears. “
Fight dammit.
Fight
.”
Cree did her best to swallow back her tears. She couldn’t respond. Instead she went into her bathroom and turned on the shower.
Melody passed the bathroom doorway. “I’ll see if Pa Pa can make you some chicken noodle soup while you’re in the shower. And, wash your hair. It’s a mess. But, I’ll help you with it after you get out.”
*****
Two hours later, Cree had showered and was wearing a fresh pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt. They sat outside on the porch as Melody made sure she ate some of her grandfather’s homemade chicken noodle soup while she put Bantu knots in her hair.
Begrudgingly, Cree had to admit she did feel better.
Melody didn’t want to talk about anything too heavy. She wasn’t sure Cree could handle it just yet, but she had to mention Cameron. Melody had been keeping him at bay since they brought Cree back. If she didn’t call him soon, he was going to show up at her door.
“Cameron’s been calling me and everybody else like crazy asking about you. He says you’re not answering his calls. Cree, he’s worried sick just like the rest of us.”
Cree exhaled. “I know. But, I just can’t deal with him and my issues at the same time.”
“He wants to help you deal. And, it seems to me like you’re not dealing with
any
issues. You’ve been hiding in your room. Have you made an appointment with that doctor? Maybe she can help.”
She spoke quietly. “No, not yet.”
“You should probably do that and soon. I’m not trying to tell you what to do, but…”
Cree turned around to give her a skeptical look.
Melody ignored her. “You might want to call him. If nothing else just to let him know how you’re doing. Otherwise, he’s going to be down here trying to haul you back to New York.”
“That would be a waste of his time because I’m not going back to New York.”
Melody’s hands stilled in her hair. “Like…ever? That’s a pretty big decision. What about Cameron?”
Cree sat on the porch with her knees pulled to her chest and her arms wrapped around them while Melody combed her hair. “Mel…I don’t want to sound harsh, but I’ve spent all of my adult life worrying about Cameron’s wants and needs. I’ve devoted so much time to making sure he was okay that I forgot about me. Somewhere, in all of it, I’ve lost myself. I don’t know who I am or what I want. I need to figure that out before I can even begin to think about our relationship.”
Hesitantly, Melody spoke. “I can understand you need some time to figure things out but he loves you. And, you love him. You shouldn’t shut him out.”
Matter-of-factly Cree stated, “Cameron’s life is in New York. Mine is here. I don’t know how you can reconcile the two.”
*****
A couple of weeks later, Cree was sitting in her grandfather’s living room with her feet curled underneath her. She was going through the Jackson University course catalog. Cree had dropped by the campus’ administrative offices on her way home from visiting with Dr. Laurel.
Melody had been right. Cameron walked through her grandfather’s door, calling her name. “Cree?”
She looked up somewhat surprised to see him, but not really. He had that same look on his face as he did the first time they’d met except he looked tired. That pulled at her heartstrings, transporting her back in time.
Cree had been running late for class and couldn’t find her math book in her locker.
After she’d found it, Cree shut the door, and Cameron was standing on the other side with a super sexy grin on his face. His sea blue eyes sparkled.
He rubbed the back of his neck and asked for directions to his biology class.
“Hi. I’m Cameron Jacobs, and I was hoping you could help me.” He turned on that megawatt smile. “I’m kind of new here and I think I’ve gotten myself a little turned around.”
Cree returned his smile with one of her own, and it took his breath away. “I’m Creandra Watson, but everyone calls me Cree. Who are you looking for?”
He looked down at his schedule. “Mr. Botnick’s biology class.”
Good looking and smart. What a rare combination. Seldom did the guys at her school instantly make her heart race, but Cameron had been an exception. It probably wouldn’t matter since he most likely wasn’t into girls like her. “Hmm…you’re in his class huh? Must be pretty smart.”
“And you’re beautiful. Is there a boyfriend who might be pissed that you’re walking me to class?” Cameron had never been this forward with a girl before.
Shocked, Cree stopped mid-stride to look into his face to see if he was joking.
Cameron mistook it for being offended. “I’m sorry. Sometimes my thoughts slip out before I have a chance to rein them in. I didn’t mean to offend you.”
She started walking again. “No…no. You didn’t offend me; I just wasn’t sure if you were serious or not.”
His easy smile returned. “Nope. I wasn’t kidding. How about that boyfriend? He wouldn’t be on the wrestling team or a linebacker for the football team would he? It would suck to get beat up on my first day of school here.”
“You’re a pretty athletic looking guy. I’m sure you wouldn’t have to worry about that. Anyway, here’s your class.”
“He’s a lucky dude.”
Cree peered over her shoulder as she walked away. “I don’t have a boyfriend.”
“Why won’t you take my calls?” His voice brought her back to the present. It had been almost a month since the last time she’d seen him. Just like that moment in high school, he still took her breath away, but unlike then, when he pursued her relentlessly, Cree had to be strong.
Breathlessly she spoke. “What are you doing here?”
He drank in the sight of her unable to pull his eyes away. “What was I supposed to do after we talked, and you told me you weren’t coming back to New York? I’m here to convince you to change your mind.”
“Cameron, that’s not going to happen.”